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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult children coming on holiday- who pays?

192 replies

autienotnaughty · 24/01/2022 07:34

So we have two adult children (early twenties) and one younger child (under ten). One dc works full time the other is at uni and works part time. We want to do a week abroad this year but can not afford to pay for adult children too. It's our first holiday abroad in a number of years. Last 7 years have all been uk in cottages/caravans and we have always paid for everything. I've not spoke to dc yet but I want to invite them but ask them to pay their own flight /hotel I'm aiming around £500 pp then maybe ask for a contribution towards food but us pay the majority. Drinks (alcohol) just get our own. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
autienotnaughty · 24/01/2022 11:23

@Noisyneighneigh

That was a working class question with middle class answers.
Yes we are working class 😊
OP posts:
emmathedilemma · 24/01/2022 11:24

At that age the only reason to go on a family holiday is because it’s free.
This 100%!!

Cubit · 24/01/2022 11:25

@MsChatterbox

At the end of the day you can't afford a holiday abroad for everyone. It needs to be a discussion. Would they like to come abroad with you and pay. Or would they prefer to stay in the UK and have you pay.
This is a good idea. I didn't go on holiday with my parents at their ages, I was offered, but declined - I spent the money going places with friends instead. If it's affordable, maybe a token contribution like £100 towards each would be fair, then they make up the rest.
Mo1911 · 24/01/2022 11:27

I have three 20 somethings and always pay for them. It's not that we're well off but we do try to save for these things as they're important. I'm sure mine would pay if we asked but we're their parents so really feel that we want to pay for them.

Binthescales · 24/01/2022 11:31

You're not unreasonable not to pay for them but also don't expect them to come.

£500 is a hell of a lot of money and I know I would have preferred to go away with my friends than my parents at that age!

Essentially they're paying for their own holiday so it's not a matter of a family holiday and a contribution to food. Have you factored in the fact they wouldn't want to do XYZ, they wouldn't want to eat XYZ? I would think it's more realistic to say Dad and I want to go abroad, obviously we'd have to take DS would you want to come but we won't be able to afford to pay for you. Rather than I'm planning a family holiday for us all - it'll be at least £600 including food. That's quite a stretch for students.

Binthescales · 24/01/2022 11:33

@emmathedilemma

At that age the only reason to go on a family holiday is because it’s free. This 100%!!
This completely.

Sharing a bed in Spain with my elder sister as she kicked me in her sleep stopped being fun when I was about eight. If I had had to have paid for the privilege it would have been paying NOT to go.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 24/01/2022 11:35

I have 3 adult children-one still at Uni and others early 20's and yes we do pay for them to come on holiday with us.

We love having them and can afford it.
They are just starting out and pretty skint.

We are take the tunnel and have hired a house so it is not a huge additional expense.

FacebookPhotos · 24/01/2022 11:35

If it were me, I'd pay for the younger child fully (obviously), and I'd pay flights / accommodation for the student but expect they they cover their own spending money (including meals / alcohol). An adult working full time should be paying completely for themselves.

Binthescales · 24/01/2022 11:40

@FacebookPhotos

If it were me, I'd pay for the younger child fully (obviously), and I'd pay flights / accommodation for the student but expect they they cover their own spending money (including meals / alcohol). An adult working full time should be paying completely for themselves.
It's a bit harsh to invite your child on a holiday and not even treat them to a few meals/drinks.
Soontobe60 · 24/01/2022 11:41

Many years ago, me, dh and dd2 (14) went to Thailand. We told DD1 (22) she was more than welcome but would have to pay for her own flight. She chose not to come. I wish I’d paid for her, but if I’d had to, we wouldn’t have been able to afford to go. (the same year she went to Barbados with her father, he paid!).
More recently, me and dh went to USA. DD2 (now 24) wanted to come with her boyfriend. They paid for their own flights, we paid hire car and hotel accommodation. We shared meal costs.

Allsorts1 · 24/01/2022 11:45

I think you’re better off just going on the holiday with you and the younger DC if needed. I definitely wouldn’t have wanted to holiday with my parents over the age of 20 - far too busy doing holidays with friends.

ChoiceMummy · 24/01/2022 11:45

Given this is your holiday, your location and hotel choices etc and the fact that for 7 years you've not gone overseas and now they're older you opt to/sort of have the means, I think that your elder two could well take this badly to be expected to stump up £500. I only spent £850 for myself and child to have 10 days in Spain, with breakfast and dinner included, albeit precovid, and obviously all my choices.

I think that you should be trying to supplement more of the costs or look at less expensive school holidays/venues.

LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee · 24/01/2022 11:48

It is not really fair to ask them to pay but have no choice about the destination, accommodation and dates. Even just the fact that it has to be term time will cost them a lot for no benefit to them.
I would just do a cheaper holiday and pay for everybody.

I have some bias though, both my parents and ILs pay for us when they invite us to join them on holidays (DH and I are in our 40s with 2 kids).

velvet24 · 24/01/2022 11:58

Id pay for them if i waned them to come but suggest they bring own spending money

1winterblues · 24/01/2022 12:02

My parents have paid for some holidays for my and my siblings and partners and grandchildren when they have wanted us to all come. It means a lot for them to spend time with us all.

As an adult I think where you want them to come you pay otherwise you offer them a choice

RB68 · 24/01/2022 12:04

The one that is still a student and pt I would perhaps offer to pay half or pay for flights and accom and everything else up to them

theDudesmummy · 24/01/2022 12:05

Adult children at uni, we pay for them in full.

blubberyboo · 24/01/2022 12:07

You should be upfront at start that you are booking a holiday and they are welcome to come if they want to pay. Don’t just book it and then land that on them later.
You also should be fully prepared for them to decline and go away with their mates instead

MichelleScarn · 24/01/2022 12:08

Would you expect them to join you every meal time/activity too, would you be upset if they wanted to go out to clubs/pubs at night, and this disturbed you/younger dc?

Fink · 24/01/2022 12:17

It just depends on the family dynamics and how much spare cash each person has.

We're all adults with our own children, but my parents still pay for the accommodation if we holiday together and we would each pay for our own transport within our nuclear family. But that's just our family, I wouldn't expect others to do exactly the same, whatever works for you.

Original poster
autienotnaughty · 24/01/2022 12:40

It's interesting because thinking about it I would say each of us have roughly the same disposable income. Obviously we earn more but have higher out going student earns least but has virtually no outgoings.

OP posts:
JustUseTheDoorSanta · 24/01/2022 12:51

If you want a family holiday then it's better to cut your cloth according to what you can afford; asking a student to pay is pretty rude given that you know they can't. If flights are £500 each that's £1500 just for the 3 of you. You'd really get much more getting a UK cottage and enjoying time together, or organising a bunch of trips out for the 5 to enjoy time together. "Abroad" isn't immediately magical, it's just places slightly further away.

MrsKDB · 24/01/2022 12:56

In our families the parents always pay because they are the wealthiest generation. I have friends where they are now wealthier than their parents, in which case they would pay. So I’m going to say it totally depends! All you can do is offer and be prepared for them to decline.

Fink · 24/01/2022 13:01

@MrsKDB

In our families the parents always pay because they are the wealthiest generation. I have friends where they are now wealthier than their parents, in which case they would pay. So I’m going to say it totally depends! All you can do is offer and be prepared for them to decline.
Whereas in our family my parents always pay for the accommodation even though at least two of my siblings earn more than them (siblings also have higher outgoings than parents but I have no idea who has more disposable income). It's just how my parents like it. Just depends on the individual family.
Original poster
autienotnaughty · 24/01/2022 14:35

@JustUseTheDoorSanta

If you want a family holiday then it's better to cut your cloth according to what you can afford; asking a student to pay is pretty rude given that you know they can't. If flights are £500 each that's £1500 just for the 3 of you. You'd really get much more getting a UK cottage and enjoying time together, or organising a bunch of trips out for the 5 to enjoy time together. "Abroad" isn't immediately magical, it's just places slightly further away.
I never said she couldn't afford it. And £500 is flights and accommodation
OP posts: