Not to pay?

[Pritty]

Me and DH have separate finances. I went through a really horrible time in a previous relationship financially, I won't go into all the details here but I can't bear the thought of my finances being tied to someone else ever again or not having access to money when I need it.

I'm a saver, my husband isn't. But with both contribute equally to the household so I don't concern myself with it in the main.

After the last two years with Covid I wanted to treat my son to a holiday this summer. He'd be just 4 by the time it comes around so not in school yet. Found something relatively cheap and have been speaking to DH about it.

Here's the AIBU...

My husband has a child from a previous relationship who is my step child and obviously my son's half sibling.

My husband basically wants to go in the summer holidays all together but the only way to afford this is for me to use the savings I have accumulated to do so.

It wouldn't wipe them out but it would be a big chunk of it, more than I'm comfortable with. DH would be able to contribute some but not all of the additional cost.

Adding two more people and going in the summer holidays makes the holiday triple the price (and admittedly it's a different dynamic than I'd hoped for).

DH argument is that we are a family and it shouldn't matter to me if I have to spend some of my money on his older son.

And yes it's Disney Paris

Will your 10 year old DSS even want to go to Disney?
My DS had definitely grown out of Disney by the time he was 10.

@BaronessBomburst

Will your 10 year old DSS even want to go to Disney? My DS had definitely grown out of Disney by the time he was 10.

Really? My parents took my brother and I to Florida when we were about 14/16 and we loved it.

@Pritty

The stepchild should definitely go

So it would be really unreasonable for me to just want to take DS by myself?

It's not unreasonable for you to take one of the DC on holiday, I often did it with one of my DS, but it is unreasonable to go to Disney with just one. However, it's unreasonable for your DH to expect you to pay for his DS. If he wants to go with his DS then he should be paying for him and his children, this would mean all his costs, your DSS and half your DS (whether this is in school hols or not!).

But I think the real issue here is that you don't want to take DSS on holiday with you rather than the money issue

It’s really not the main issue

So many posters here trying to blame the op, rather than the feckless husband, the comment about whatever happened to united families is shameful. It’s really saying that women should step up and care and provide for step kids when th fathers don’t.

If this guy wants to take his son to Disney land then he needs to find the means to do so, not ask the stepmother to provide for them.

To previous posters saying it is unreasonable for OP to only take one child to Disney - no its not! It would be unreasonable for the Dad to only take one of his children to Disney - but it is perfectly reasonable for OP to only take her child. If this was reversed and Dad was saying that he only wanted to take his first child there would be a resounding chorus of how this would be fine and that he should be doing special things with only that child. Step parents can't win!

I think it would be shitty for the sibling to see his brother go to Disneyland tbf. I'd probably tell DH you will pay but he has to pay you back to top your savings up again

I don't think YABU. I'd tell DH that this holiday will be just you and DS and that you can all do a holiday next year for all 4 of you, but he has to save up for him and DSS to go. If he doesn't, they don't go.
Yeah it sucks for DSS that he misses out, but that's his father's fault, not yours.

@AryaStarkWolf

I think it would be shitty for the sibling to see his brother go to Disneyland tbf. I'd probably tell DH you will pay but he has to pay you back to top your savings up again

He might well not do that though. It wouldn't be a risk I would take for the sake of someone else's kid wanting to go. That's the blunt reality.

He might well not do that though. It wouldn't be a risk I would take for the sake of someone else's kid wanting to go. That's the blunt reality.

The way you've phrased all that makes it sound like these are two strangers and not her husband and stepson, if her husband is the type to lie to her and catch her for money then she's got a lot bigger issues tbh

Reading through the OPs posts, it seems to me like it's not really about the money anyway but not wanting her stepson to go (and possibly her husband as well)

Of course it's about the money.

It seems to me that OP has been burnt financially in the past and it's important to her to have savings. Bringing DSS and the DH would take her savings away ( and surely no-one believes that her DH would pay her back) and makes the holiday more expensive as it would need to be during school holidays.

OP seems pretty ambivalent about DH and DSS joining on future holidays.

@AryaStarkWolf

He might well not do that though. It wouldn't be a risk I would take for the sake of someone else's kid wanting to go. That's the blunt reality.

The way you've phrased all that makes it sound like these are two strangers and not her husband and stepson, if her husband is the type to lie to her and catch her for money then she's got a lot bigger issues tbh

Reading through the OPs posts, it seems to me like it's not really about the money anyway but not wanting her stepson to go (and possibly her husband as well)

They aren't random people, but that doesn't mean I'd want to risk my savings to treat them.

He has made it clear he doesn't see why she wouldn't happily pay for it herself, so it's not really a stretch to imagine he might not prioritise paying her back. And she obviously does have issues around trusting him with money, because they have seperate finances.

I don't see any evidence it's more about not wanting them to go, tbh, though I don't think that would be the end of the world.

@AryaStarkWolf

I think it would be shitty for the sibling to see his brother go to Disneyland tbf. I'd probably tell DH you will pay but he has to pay you back to top your savings up again

Presumably the step sibling gets to go on holidays with his own mother?

I don't think there is anything at all wrong with going on holiday with just your DS - I would (and have) go with my youngest (olders not adults), sometimes because I am off at different time to DH to cover the holidays and sometimes because its a nice dynamic spending one to one time together.

I don't understand the horror of some posters about going away without your DH...

Saying that it depends why he's not invited....if solely because he can't afford it you could offer to pay his half for now on the proviso that he pays you back out of the money he usually spends instead of saves. I would also suggests he sets up a savings account for such things in the future.

If you just want one to one time with your DS before he starts school then I would not even mention the money.

Presumably the step sibling gets to go on holidays with his own mother?

Sure but it's not a like for like situation is it? SS is part of OPs family, her son isn't part of SS's mothers family.

I don't know, seems like an odd set up to me, If I was planning to take my kid/kids to Disneyland it's something I would have spoken about to my husband and if he wanted to come as well he would have saved along with me. The whole situation just seems strange to me but each to their own I guess

They aren't random people, but that doesn't mean I'd want to risk my savings to treat them.

Fair enough, I wouldn't consider giving me DH money a risk but every couple is different I suppose

I'm against the curve but I think you and your DS should go. Divorced but even when we were together Ex would take older children to legoland/ Italy/Ireland. I stayed home with the youger two (twins) as there was no holiday for me in there :) Always tried to make time for one on one bonding time with individual children. I'd encourage your DH and his spendy ways to have some boys trips with his DS and that way it'll all balance out.

My ex also has spendy ways. No maintenance for two months but the dc have a new xbox at his place so thats all right then

@AryaStarkWolf

They aren't random people, but that doesn't mean I'd want to risk my savings to treat them.

Fair enough, I wouldn't consider giving me DH money a risk but every couple is different I suppose

Me neither, but I would if OPs DH was my partner.

No YANBU. Go and I hope you have a great time. There will be other stuff the 4 of you can do and if your DH was that arsed about his son going, well he has had 10 years to take him and not done so. It's not like it's new, or a secret place no one else knew about.

Some points

Disney is emotive

I can imagine a 10yo being upset about his little brother going.

A 3/4yo wont remember it

Disney is something generally done as a family, rather than part of a family - even my teens would jump at the chance

If your primary objective is 1:1 with ds you should prob go somewhere else and save Disney until your ds is older and your h can afford to pay for him and SS

Or your dh could ask his parents for money. Plenty of grandparents subsidise holidays.

In this situation, I think your DP should pay for himself and his older son. Not out of your savings. Unless you want to pay for DP to go as a birthday present or something. You personally shouldn't be paying for the older child. I'd give him a couple of days to think it over and how/if he can afford it, then book.

For those who think it is unreasonable on the grounds that it is unfair for one sibling to go and not the other, and the sibling not going would be upset, would it be OK for SS's mum to take him to Disney without OP's child?
Yes, OP's child might be upset big brother went and they didn't, but no one would expect SS's mum to take both kids.

@Scout2016

For those who think it is unreasonable on the grounds that it is unfair for one sibling to go and not the other, and the sibling not going would be upset, would it be OK for SS's mum to take him to Disney without OP's child? Yes, OP's child might be upset big brother went and they didn't, but no one would expect SS's mum to take both kids.

I already answered this a few posts back but the OP's son isn't part of her SS's mothers family but the OP and her son are part of the SS's so it's not really a like for like comparison.

@Scout2016

For those who think it is unreasonable on the grounds that it is unfair for one sibling to go and not the other, and the sibling not going would be upset, would it be OK for SS's mum to take him to Disney without OP's child? Yes, OP's child might be upset big brother went and they didn't, but no one would expect SS's mum to take both kids.

It isn't the same situation.

Dss is part of two family units - his dm's and his df's family. So if op goes to disney without him they would be excluding a member of their family unit.

Ds is part of one family unit, so if another family unit he is not part of goes to disney it is not hurtful in the same way.

This isn't as much about dss having the experience of going to disney, it is more about him not having the experience of being excluded from a family he has a right to feel part of.

Of course the op shouldn't have to pay for her dss, bit the op should be more active towards planning such holidays as part of a family so her dss can be included, rather than pretending members of an interdependent family unit are financially depend of each other.

@Stompythedinosaur and @AryaStarkWolf yes, I can see your points about family units and SS feeling left out.

The issue is the money. With money situation as it is, it sounds sensible for each parent to pay for themselves and their child.