Not to pay?

[Pritty]

Me and DH have separate finances. I went through a really horrible time in a previous relationship financially, I won't go into all the details here but I can't bear the thought of my finances being tied to someone else ever again or not having access to money when I need it.

I'm a saver, my husband isn't. But with both contribute equally to the household so I don't concern myself with it in the main.

After the last two years with Covid I wanted to treat my son to a holiday this summer. He'd be just 4 by the time it comes around so not in school yet. Found something relatively cheap and have been speaking to DH about it.

Here's the AIBU...

My husband has a child from a previous relationship who is my step child and obviously my son's half sibling.

My husband basically wants to go in the summer holidays all together but the only way to afford this is for me to use the savings I have accumulated to do so.

It wouldn't wipe them out but it would be a big chunk of it, more than I'm comfortable with. DH would be able to contribute some but not all of the additional cost.

Adding two more people and going in the summer holidays makes the holiday triple the price (and admittedly it's a different dynamic than I'd hoped for).

DH argument is that we are a family and it shouldn't matter to me if I have to spend some of my money on his older son.

And yes it's Disney Paris

[Pritty]

@Boozeless

Feel sorry for SS. You took on a buy one get one free situation when you married DH. If you weren't prepared to love his child as your own you shouldn't have married someone with a child. It would be incredibly mean to leave SS out of this dream holiday.

I don't know why you posted tbh.

How do you be "prepared to love someone like X". You don't tell yourself to love someone, you either do or you don't.

I am very fond of my SS but no I don't love him like my son, that's just a fact, not a decision I have chosen to make. It just is. Same with any other child that's not my son.

It's so unrealistic to expect people to love their partners or spouses children exactly like their own. I'm sure it does happen but I suspect mostly it does not.

[Fairylightsongs]

I’m shocked at sone of these answers. Your husband can’t be arsed coming on holiday most of the time, spunks his own money and now wants you to pay to take him and his kid to Disney land?

Tell him to do one. What a selfish man.

[Pritty]

@Maggie178

How would you feel if you're husband saved up and only took your step son on holiday to somewhere your son would love to go?

My son is my husband's child in the same way my SS is so why do you think it's comparable?

Surely the best comparison would be if SS's mother took him away somewhere my son would love to go. In which case how could I possibly feel anything about it?

And no I wouldn't care if DH took SS somewhere alone, providing he found the time to have quality time with our son too doing something he likes that's fine.

[aSofaNearYou]

@Boozeless

Feel sorry for SS. You took on a buy one get one free situation when you married DH. If you weren't prepared to love his child as your own you shouldn't have married someone with a child. It would be incredibly mean to leave SS out of this dream holiday.

I don't know why you posted tbh.

I don't know why you posted either.

🙄

[rookiemere]

OP I would book the holiday you want with DS. It's a lot cheaper outside school holidays and prices will go up now there is a bit more certainty around foreign travel.

Going forward I'd say to DH that if he wants joint family holidays you need to set up a joint savings account with each putting equal in every month ( technically he should put more in because of DSS, but maybe keep it straight split for now) so there is money in the pot for next year. Of course to get a Disneyland Paris type trip in the school holidays that's going to need to be a sizeable monthly amount, I'd say minimum £200 per month.

If he's on board with that then great, if not then continue with the separate holidays, although it will get a bit trickier not to look one sided once both DCs are off in the school holidays.

[ILoveYou3000]

@Maggie178

How would you feel if you're husband saved up and only took your step son on holiday to somewhere your son would love to go?

Totally different situation, as both children are his so he should treat them equally. The boys each have one mother, both of those mothers should be allowed to spend time, treat, holiday with their own son.

Also, where does it say the SS desperately wants to go to Disney?

Some of the faux shock and outrage at families doing things separately is ridiculous. Most families I know with more than one child, particularly with large age gaps, do things apart as well as together, including holidays. I know of one family (mum, dad, 2 boys,1 girl). Mum and daughter love sun and have a fortnight in Caribbean every year just the two of them. Dad and boys don't but they go skiing, just the three of them.

My own family in 2019, I took my eldest on a city break for a long weekend, just the two of us. My OH took number 2 (who's actually his stepson) snowboarding for a week. He also often takes the kids (not all) on camping weekends. We've (he and I) taken the two little ones (ours) to Peppa Pig world and stayed over, leaving the big kids home with grandma, and had intended to do Disneyland Paris in 2020, for exactly same reason as OP. We've also done the reverse with a weekend at Alton Towers for the older ones.

[Isntisironic1]

@Maggie178

How would you feel if you're husband saved up and only took your step son on holiday to somewhere your son would love to go?

You should rephrase that to how would you feel if your husband saved up and took SS and DS away somewhere. Tbh I think op would be 2 things…shocked that her husband managed to save and grateful that the cost of DS and DH holiday wasn’t falling to her to pay for.

Some of these comments
🤦‍♀️

[Sartre]

Just you and DS is fine, if your DH was also going then his DS would have to go too.

[Helendee]

What happened to united families where the needs of all the children are prioritised for a few, short years?!

[Horst]

If it’s just you and ds going it’s fine.

If your dh is going then SS should come too but dh should fully pay the extra it would cost to bring ss and the extra you’d have to pay due to holiday timings.

Ss isn’t missing out because his dad isn’t going anyway it’s a trip for op her ds and her friend and friends child. Dh was never invited and just got his panties in a twist about the location.

[ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff]

@Helendee

What happened to united families where the needs of all the children are prioritised for a few, short years?!

The husband should prioritise saving a reasonable amount so that he can ensure both his sons get to go on holidays.

[WildFlowerBees]

Other peoples perspective is really interesting to read, some however can't seem to read what the op has actually written and now ss is missing out on a 'dream' holiday 🙄 SS probably won't even care 'where's X and X dad?' 'They've gone away for a few days back soon' no need for some to make a huge drama out of it.

Why must all step mothers be branded awful people because they don't feel the same way about their step kids as their own kids? The age old argument of you knew what you were getting into is absolute bollocks and only non step parents seem to trot this line out.

I hope you have a lovely few days away with your ds op, it's great to have 1-1 time when you're all so busy.

[aSofaNearYou]

@Helendee

What happened to united families where the needs of all the children are prioritised for a few, short years?!

They became more complicated than that when people decided to seperate from their other parent, thus making themselves the sole person responsible for doing that in any subsequent relationships. Problems arise when they fight against that instead of just doing what they should for their kids themselves.

[Sexnotgender]

@Helendee

What happened to united families where the needs of all the children are prioritised for a few, short years?!

That’s perhaps a question for the husband who just squanders all his money on himself rather than being a fucking adult and paying his way for both his kids. But no sure, blame the woman 🙄

[timeisnotaline]

I would just book it. I’d look around, point to 10 things dh has bought with his extra money, and say these are your choices and this is my choice. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. I’d love to go on a family holiday but you’d need to save for half, and this needs booking in the next fortnight. I don’t book my holidays then say it’s not fair if you don’t buy me a with your money just because you have one.

[cupofdecaf]

I'd take your DS on your own. Just leave your DH and if he complains say he owes you half of your DS costs.
If you're married you realise those savings of yours would be half his on divorce. It might be worth think of how you protect yourself and your son from his reckless finances.

[HollowTalk]

The problem is that your husband likes to spend his money and you like to save and then he doesn't like it when you have the money to go to Disneyland. He can't have it both ways. He needs to grow up.

[thinkfast]

4 people in school holidays is expensive.

Given the age difference between the 2 children, they won't want to go on the same rides.

If it were me, I'd go with DS outside of school holidays and tell DH he should take SS during school holidays, as you'd probably do different things during the day while there anyway.

DH can pay for the trip with SS himself.

[DrinkFeckArseBrick]

I dont think the issue here is the holiday. I think the issue is that you have different attitude to finances. It's reasonable for your husband to want his kids to come if you can easily afford it as a family. But you cant, it's not family finances, it's your money. Assuming that is that your husband could have afforded it if he had wanted to, and that he is not a lower earner and spending his cash on child support - if that's the case then it seems a shame that he can never take his kids on holiday. But if he earns enough to do so and is just spending his money on random shit like hobbies and entertainment etc then I'd say no, he could have chosen to spend the money on holidays with his kids but he has actively chosen to spend his money on himself then wants you to spend your money on his kids. That's not on.

I think this is a wider issue around finances that you're going to have to resolve at some point, I know you have separate finances but if you have any joint things you spend on at all, this issue is going to keep coming up...you're married so your money is a shared asset and it's not really fair that he spends all his and then has a claim on half of yours

[aSofaNearYou]

and that he is not a lower earner and spending his cash on child support - if that's the case then it seems a shame that he can never take his kids on holiday.

If he's spending his money on childcare for their shared child, yes, but if it's going on child support for the SC that's still not OPs problem to fix.

[Sh05]

The simple answer is if your husband wants to come along with your ds then he stumps up the cash.
So stepsons ticket, his own and half of your joint child's.
As he doesn't have the money he either borrows or like everyone else learns to save!

[Honeypickle]

You and your DS this year, the four of you next year (when your DH has saved up for it). Simple!

[RantyAunty]

I can't believe some of these answers.

Of course just go with you son.

If your DH wants him and DSS to participate with things, DH is going to have to stop spending all his extra money on himself and think of someone else for a change. He and his ex can come up with the money for DSS.

[ProudAlly]

@Pritty

I think you need to reevaluate your savings and have a shared savings pot even if nothing else is shared.

He's a spender not a saver. It would only be me saving in a joint pot. I'd rather not be the only one saving but it still be seen as "joint". Been there and it ended horribly.

What does he spend on? If he spends all his money on himself and you & DS don't benefit then fair enough, but if he spends on things for the home, things for DS, then that's a bit different. But I think the real issue here is that you don't want to take DSS on holiday with you rather than the money issue

[Sexnotgender]

Can you say to him, you’d really like stepson to come next time. Set up a savings account and say you’ll match what he saves.

Make him put his money where his mouth is.