Not to pay?

[Pritty]

Me and DH have separate finances. I went through a really horrible time in a previous relationship financially, I won't go into all the details here but I can't bear the thought of my finances being tied to someone else ever again or not having access to money when I need it.

I'm a saver, my husband isn't. But with both contribute equally to the household so I don't concern myself with it in the main.

After the last two years with Covid I wanted to treat my son to a holiday this summer. He'd be just 4 by the time it comes around so not in school yet. Found something relatively cheap and have been speaking to DH about it.

Here's the AIBU...

My husband has a child from a previous relationship who is my step child and obviously my son's half sibling.

My husband basically wants to go in the summer holidays all together but the only way to afford this is for me to use the savings I have accumulated to do so.

It wouldn't wipe them out but it would be a big chunk of it, more than I'm comfortable with. DH would be able to contribute some but not all of the additional cost.

Adding two more people and going in the summer holidays makes the holiday triple the price (and admittedly it's a different dynamic than I'd hoped for).

DH argument is that we are a family and it shouldn't matter to me if I have to spend some of my money on his older son.

And yes it's Disney Paris

[RealBecca]

yanbu. The selfish pig wants to spend his money and then spend yours. He would rather spend his money on himself than his child but heaven forbid someone else does.

[RealBecca]

I'd be apoplectic.

[ElegantlyTouched]

I'd be considering this relationship. It's not healthy that he considers his money to be his alone and yours to be family money. Ask him how he's going to fund the extra cost, since you can afford x, and the new arrangements will cost 3x. Your savings are not the answer.

[LaPufalina]

Another vote for going with your DS.

If he's set on going, I'd prob give him a chance to get a 0% credit card or similar so you don't have to foot the bill upfront, and i agree with the 62.5% proportion, but would also make the point that it would cost you £X in term time, but £Y in the holidays.

[Starseeking]

Your DH has got some front; not saving any money, then claiming all of yours is family savings so he and his DS can join the holiday!

If I were you, I'd go with my DS alone (you are saving your DH half the cost of DS by paying in full yourself), and enjoy my holiday!

[Overtherails]

I think that all you can do is present him with facts. "DD and I are going. If you and DSS want to come then you need to pay £X by Y date. If you want joint family finances going forward that's fine- I'll be keeping my savings up until now, and we can set up a joint savings account and I'll match whatever you put in it."

[OneMoreTimeBaby]

Just take your little one, it's a different treat, I took mine when he was that age, a 10 year old would be bored. Get his dad to take him to to a theme park here and go on the big rides that your little one can't. They both get a treat. Then encourage your husband to save for the next holiday as both DC will be at school and like you say costs are significantly higher in school holidays.

[1AngelicFruitCake]

I personally think it’s not ok for him to expect you to save and then benefit from that when he’s not saving. If you and your son go for a week in Cornwall (as you say) that’s fair enough, although it seems a shame for your son that he’s not getting to go on holiday with his parents when you are a couple/a family. Your SS presumably will get holidays with his mum so it isn’t fair your son should Miss out.
However, Disneyland is pretty special. I don’t understand why you don’t talk as a couple and plan a holiday together? You seem to be on completely different pages about how to bring up your son.

[TheChemicalMother]

A theme park is really hard work when they are not of an age to go in the same rides. They won’t want to do the same things. You will spend all day in different queues. Or waste a lot of time.

[AcrossthePond55]

As far as how SS will feel, that's not on OP either. He's old enough to be told the truth; "Well SS, I'm sorry you aren't coming but your dad didn't save up the money to take you. Maybe he will another time". Put the blame square where it belongs, on his father.

It's also a painful but valuable lesson for children to learn that sometimes we just don't get to do what we want. I was about the same age as SS when I had cousins I was very close to who went to Tahiti. Would I have liked to go? Sure, but I was old enough to understand that my uncle and aunt weren't obliged to take me and that my own parents could never have afforded it.

[Cornishclio]

You just say to SS and DH that as your DS is not in school you go out of term which is cheaper then say to DH that you go as a family next year or year after in school hols with both children who will then be 5 and 9 or 6 and 10 so may be able to do same rides. DH has a year or more to save too.

[Phobiaphobic]

@Newestname002

I hope you and DS have a really great time on holiday together, OP.

As for your husband, perhaps he should be a little more financially responsible in future and organise his finances, as you have, to take his child on holiday as you have and not just try to piggyback on your plans and expect you to pay for the pleasure once he has squandered his own money. 🌹

Yup.

[Vanderpump]

Take your wee one away and enjoy, if DH had been so keen on his DS going to Disney then he should have taken him himself

[Pritty]

Thank you all.

I'd ideally like to book it asap which is why it wouldn't work him saving up between now and then. I don't want to leave it to the last minute.

Although me and a friend have actually been discussing the possibility of the Disney cruise instead so not 100% sure what we're doing yet.

I think I'll likely end up going with DS alone and then tell him if he wants to go back as a family next year then he can start saving now.

[Boozeless]

Feel sorry for SS. You took on a buy one get one free situation when you married DH. If you weren't prepared to love his child as your own you shouldn't have married someone with a child. It would be incredibly mean to leave SS out of this dream holiday.

I don't know why you posted tbh.

[DifficultBloodyWoman]

@Pritty

The stepchild should definitely go

So it would be really unreasonable for me to just want to take DS by myself?

No. Not unreasonable.

Keep in mind the age differences. If you have two 4 year olds, it would be mean to treat one and not the other (in which case DH should pay, not you) but a 4 year old and an 8 year old (or older) will not enjoy the same things at Disney. In fact, they won’t even be able to go on the majority of the rides together.

Go alone!

[HomeTheatreSystem]

I think I'll likely end up going with DS alone and then tell him if he wants to go back as a family next year then he can start saving now.

Definitely this OP, even though you know he probably won't bother. Your step son is being let down by his flaky dad, not you. Not your responsibility to compensate for his inability to manage his finances!

[BuanoKubiamVej]

@DifficultBloodyWoman Keep in mind the age differences. {...} a 4 year old and an 8 year old (or older) will not enjoy the same things at Disney. In fact, they won’t even be able to go on the majority of the rides together.

This is a really good point - if DH and DSS did come you would hardly see eachother anyway as you and your DC and him and hus would be in totally different parts of the park the whole time. Makes it even more sensible for you to stick to the original plan.

[ThePrionOne]

I think it’s quite reasonable to take him on your own, especially if that’s a normal dynamic in your family. The fact that DH can’t afford to take his own son, now you’ve decided to do something he fancies doing is not your problem.

If he wants to take his son on his own, presumably you’d be accepting of that.

Will you then go on a family holiday together in the school holidays? I bet DH will expect you to pay half, despite the fact that he’s bringing an extra child.

[Maggie178]

How would you feel if you're husband saved up and only took your step son on holiday to somewhere your son would love to go?

[lboogy]

I don't think you're doing anything wrong OP. If your DH can't afford to pay for his child to go on holiday then that's on him and his ex.

I've been on holiday with just my D.C. w/o dh. Admittedly we are married with no step children involved

[ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff]

@Maggie178

How would you feel if you're husband saved up and only took your step son on holiday to somewhere your son would love to go?

That doesn't compare as both children are biologically his so would be pretty shitty. The SS isn't the OP's.

I don't see that you're doing anything wrong either (but MN hated stepmums). The SS is g your husband's responsinity along with him mum. If they want him to go they pay for him. If you want to take your own child away paid for by you then that's fine too.

[ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff]

*responsibility

[LethargicActress]

@Boozeless

Feel sorry for SS. You took on a buy one get one free situation when you married DH. If you weren't prepared to love his child as your own you shouldn't have married someone with a child. It would be incredibly mean to leave SS out of this dream holiday.

I don't know why you posted tbh.

He’s not being ‘left out’, because his Dad isn’t going either.

It isn’t a dream holiday either, it’s a few days at Disneyland Paris. It’s just a theme park where a pre schooler and a much older child are going to want to do completely different things.

If OP was taking her child to Disney World in Florida, where there would be much more that the whole family could enjoy together, you’d have a point on the dream holiday, but she isn’t.

[Just10moreminutesplease]

It would be hugely unreasonable for your husband to go to Disneyland without his older son. But that’s not what you’re planning.

I can’t see a problem with you taking your child on your own.