Not to pay?

[Pritty]

Me and DH have separate finances. I went through a really horrible time in a previous relationship financially, I won't go into all the details here but I can't bear the thought of my finances being tied to someone else ever again or not having access to money when I need it.

I'm a saver, my husband isn't. But with both contribute equally to the household so I don't concern myself with it in the main.

After the last two years with Covid I wanted to treat my son to a holiday this summer. He'd be just 4 by the time it comes around so not in school yet. Found something relatively cheap and have been speaking to DH about it.

Here's the AIBU...

My husband has a child from a previous relationship who is my step child and obviously my son's half sibling.

My husband basically wants to go in the summer holidays all together but the only way to afford this is for me to use the savings I have accumulated to do so.

It wouldn't wipe them out but it would be a big chunk of it, more than I'm comfortable with. DH would be able to contribute some but not all of the additional cost.

Adding two more people and going in the summer holidays makes the holiday triple the price (and admittedly it's a different dynamic than I'd hoped for).

DH argument is that we are a family and it shouldn't matter to me if I have to spend some of my money on his older son.

And yes it's Disney Paris

Go on, be a devil

I get why you want to go with out you step son. You are allowed to spend time with YOUR son on your own.

As ypu have separate finances. Tell you dh you can't afford to go in the holidays.

If he was really bothered about taking his child he would have planned and saved for it he now just wants to piggy back on to your idea

Similarly your dss' mum can take him.

Suggest that you plan to go again next year and dh needs to start saving for it. See how bothered he is then!!

@Nocutenamesleft

Oh gosh.

So if my step mother had a child and took that child whilst me and my dad were left at home. I’d be so so so sad. Especially Disney land.

Oh gosh. It reminds me of a time when something similar happened and I basically never got over it. My problem. But me and my step mother hate each other.

I'm sorry you felt that way. But with all due respect, why the hell should your step mother not get to do one on one things with her own child sometimes?

I think if you feel that strongly about it there was clearly other issues between you that just that.

Just tell your husband that you are going to book it soon. If he wants to go with his older son then he needs to let you have the money for the two of them before then. He would also need to pay half of what your youngest son's holiday costs.

OP why is it you’ve posted in the first place?

Ooh how exciting! It’s time for THAT line,

Most have said YBU, mainly for the fact it’s Disney in this scenario if it was a weekend away, Cornwall etc then not as big a deal but posters are telling you it’s unfair because kids dream of going here. It’s baffling me why you can’t/won’t see this, which is why I ask why you’ve posted confused

I think it’s poll results that are probably baffling you given most haven’t said she’s being unreasonable at all.

The only point I’d make about destination to the OP is that she’d be better looking for a deal and heading to Florida rather than Paris.

Looking at it from the financial side, why not set up a specific joint holiday account with DH that is contributed equally to afford this holiday for the 4 of you?

My 3 (half) brothers have all been to America several times with their parents. I have also been on holidays with them and my dad and step mum and without them with my mum and step dad. I don't feel hard done by when my dad went away with my brothers without me as I also went away with my mum etc etc
Children with separated parents can't go on all the holidays all of the time! Go away with ds. I took dd before she started school and it was magical and not too busy. The last day was a Saturday and it was HEAVING! I bet the school holidays are too.

I hope you and DS have a really great time on holiday together, OP.

As for your husband, perhaps he should be a little more financially responsible in future and organise his finances, as you have, to take his child on holiday as you have and not just try to piggyback on your plans and expect you to pay for the pleasure once he has squandered his own money. 🌹

I couldn't imagine going to Disney and not expecting my hubby to.come and not including his son. I would speak to our hubby and say yes but that he needs to start paying a monthly amount before and after to pay for half. You will make amazing memories and your son will ask later where dad is.

Go with your son alone and have a great time.

If DH wants to go and bring his son then he can pay for both of them plus the additional cost on what you will have to pay to go during school holidays.

What if @Pritty was to subsidise her husband's woeful lack of saving and book for her him and the 2 dc and dss's mum then turns round and says no dss isn't going as she wants to be the one to take him?

OP,

I think it is perfectly reasonable to go away with your son.

Your selfish husband spends his money on himself and now wants you to spend your savings on his child.

Ridiculous.
Do not take this on board.

He should try being less selfish and perhaps he could afford to take his son on holidays.

You are already paying for one of his children to go on holiday but that is not enough.

Never share accounts with him.

He sounds like a complete waster.

@Pritty

And admittedly whilst the money is the "main" issue. I would just love to go DS and I.

If your DH came up with the money (hypothetically) would you have an issue with all 4 of you going?

I believe YNBU regarding you paying for it all but your comment above makes it seem you would have an issue with them going regardless if he had the finances

I'm torn. On the one hand I get that you want to do something lovely for your DS but Disneyland is a big thing and personally I'd want to go as a family (even if that's only the three of you; after all SS goes away with his mother - has he already been with her?)

I understand that you want to go before DS starts school but I feel like you're excluding your husband and making it about the nice things DS does with mummy and the less nice things he gets to do with his dad.

I do think your DH has to step up and pay for his share and if he wants SS to come along too, then he has to contribute for him too.

100% DH pays for his child and half of uplift of cost for you and ds due to going during school holidays!

OP, I'm bemused by the comments you're getting about taking your son on holiday alone without his dad (and step-siblings). The things people seem to think are outrageous on here never stop amazing me!

I took toddler DS to the South West Coast last summer for a few days without his dad. We had a lovely time the two of us and then it was lovely to see Daddy when we got back. I had no idea this was such a no-no in some people's books.

I suppose my mum going on holiday for a week when I was 8 and leaving us at home with Dad was an awful thing for her to do. How dare she have a holiday without the rest of the family! Or my Dad a couple of years later, leaving us with Mum. Or Mum and I going together and leaving Dad and brother to do whatever at home. We're a horrible family, obviously, because we don't holiday TOGETHER.

Riii-ight.

@Flocon

Absolutely no way should he be expecting you to pay for his child when your finances are separate. If he wants to go away he should pay for his child and half of your shared child really.

This. I think it would be unfair to say the other child can't come. BUT you have separate finances so he needs to fund the cost difference between the trip you had planned and the one he wants you to take to accommodate the step child. To expect you to fund that is ridiculous.

Personally I think that it is fine to go on your own with your child. You can't always do things around the step child - that child has "two" family's and as such will do things at different times with each of their parents. And it is up to their parents (not you) to ensure that they do things with their child. Obviously, if you were going in the school holidays and your husband was going you should take your step child - but your husband should be the one paying the extra cost.
Also, to everyone saying that you've got another child/knew what you were signing up for - I've seen it too many times that if the relationship breaks down the step parent is left never being able to see that child again as they aren't anything to do with them according to their parents 🤷 seems like the step parent can't win!

@Vgbeat

I couldn't imagine going to Disney and not expecting my hubby to.come and not including his son. I would speak to our hubby and say yes but that he needs to start paying a monthly amount before and after to pay for half. You will make amazing memories and your son will ask later where dad is.

And if he says no, I expect you to pay for it all? Or promises to save but doesn't after OP has already paid for booking?

Of course you shouldn't pay for DH and your step-child. You have separate finances and this is obviously and undeniably exactly the sort of thing that people who save sensibly can more easily afford than people who don't save and fritter their money away. Your DH chooses not to save but doesn't want the consequence of that which is that he has no savings, so wants to use yours. Nope. Absolutely not. It would be financial abuse for him to push for that.

Of course it would be a totally different matter if all your finances were pooled, and you corporately agreed that a certain amount would go into savings but the savings just happened to be in your name. But that isn't what has happened here.

I'm sorry you felt that way. But with all due respect, why the hell should your step mother not get to do one on one things with her own child sometimes?

Absolutely. There’s nothing wrong with stepmums going off doing lovely things with their own children. I find it really sad that people begrudge that time, especially in cases where the dad can’t be bothered doing stuff or can’t be bothered saving.

I think what grates the most with this though is FH doesn't want to save his money - fine. But then he wants the benefits of having savings through me. Not okay imo.

While I 100% understand this the more I think about it the more I think the step child aspect is confusing things. If you had two children together, one in school, I still think it would be shit for your husband to expect you to use your savings to pay for a family holiday unless that's what you've been saving them for or you offer.

I'd say you're happy to use the savings but you want to be reimbursed so he's contributed half by the time he's paid you back. Nothing to do with the step child aspect

I also think YANBU to want to go away just the two of you (you and your DC) but can you compromise and go somewhere else?

I'd say you're happy to use the savings but you want to be reimbursed so he's contributed half by the time he's paid you back. Nothing to do with the step child aspect

This is a huge risk, though. He may not pay her back, he obviously doesn't think he should need to.

I know this isn't the point of the thread at all but what is so special about Disney Land?
Quite a few posts saying a week in Cornwall is fine, but since it's DL that changes everything.
It's not like in DLs T&Cs they specify you MUST travel there as a full family unit. Disney Land doesn't care.

What about Alton towers? Can op take her child to splash landings? Or Legoland? Or on a trip to Paris but not visit Disney Land just the Eiffel Tower and the museums?

Why are women supposed to be the fixers for all these "helpless" men.

As a DM who's DD has a SM I would be kicking off royally at the thought of SM having to foot the bill of my ex being a knob and woefully unprepared or putting pressure on her to pay for DD to go on holiday. That's 100% his job.

I would tell her that too and my ex. But I think my DD sm is far to good for my ex and know the value she brings to my DD life. Some people seem to think that a SM or SP need to make up for my marriage breaking down. Crackers.