Being automatically referred to as 'Mrs' on the basis of .. what?!

[Tailsyflugbun]

To expect a telephone receptionist to not assume I am married?!

Btw, I never even correct anyone but there’s a split second when I feel a weird sensation of not being who they think they’re addressing when this happens. Or if it’s miss, feeling like I’m seen as not having properly moved into adult life because I haven’t married. It’s a micro aggression.

The issue in the UK is that Mrs as a shortened form of Mistress has become the title used for a married woman so it's not the equivalent of Madame in France or Frau in Germany. Assuming someone is Mrs is daft.

I'd rather be addressed as Firstname Surname and am fine with just my firstname being used. It's not over-familiar, it's my name! What is over-familiar is the automatic shortening of someone's name without checking they're okay with it.

We should have a title for all adult women like the French do.

I think Ms has never caught on as it feels so clunky to say loud. It just feels wrong.

It works on forms but not spoken.

Maybe we could agree Mrs is for all women like Mr.

Or adopt Madam.

Basically we haven't resolved the genuine issue for women in the UK on this so poor old receptionists are going to continue to upset women.

@worriedmummyofboys

Going by your username and your post above, you’re perfectly happy to define and identify yourself by your relationship to males. Good for you. However, I am not and neither are very many other women.

Bravo @sammylady37.

I think most of this is just unimaginative and dull witted people who can’t wrap their head around the idea that not everyone lives in a totally hetero-normative setup.

I had a bloke turn up at my house last week to deliver something (heavy). The first thing he said was: “Where is your husband?”

I wasn’t getting into my relationship status (divorced but in long term, non cohabiting relationship), with him so I just shrugged.

He kept on and on: “Where are your men and boys? Father? Son” Etc.

He seemed incapable of processing the information that a woman might live on her own and be able to function without constant oversight and supervision by men.

It was a little thing and he was unusually old fashioned but it was instructive to me that this could still happen.

I am married but use my maiden name and when I'm called Mrs Maiden name it's very very weird as I think they're speaking to my mother.

@OldTinHat

It's just an assumption. Is it worth getting riled? I was out shopping with a friend yesterday and a shop assistant made some joke about 'careful what you say in front of your wife'. Neither of us even acknowledged it. It's really not worth getting upset about.

I think context is everything and I think my situation is an example of everyday sexism. It's so woven into society that that is precisely the reason why some people don't get my point. That's not a criticism.

Assuming the person you are with is your wife is less about sexism and more about that person's attitudes to relationships generally I think. Perhaps the shop assistant him or her self would only go shopping with their spouse and so assumes everyone else does the same.

I can't get annoyed at this sort of thing. But I guess being in a same sex relationship I get these kinds of assumptions made all the time but regarding my husband or the kids dad

As an example, I was called by track and trace today regarding my sons positive covid test. I was asked for details of everyone in the home. I said, it's just the two kids and both parents. He then went on to say "so can I get your details and then dads"

I can't get worked up, the vast majority of parents are a mum and dad. I did obviously correct him and give my wife's details but not in a pissed off way.

Therefore, in my mind, both Miss and Mrs are incorrect. Therefore I might as well go the whole hog and let them get it wildly incorrect. I will therefore be introducing myself as "Doctor" from now on

Try it. The one thing that tells me a lot about how titles are judged is the absolute switch in attitude when a man asks “is it Miss or Mrs” and you reply that it’s Dr.

Honestly it’s so obvious. They go from talking to a woman to realising the middle aged person they’ve been patronising ever so slightly because they assumed their head were full of curtains and children, might actually be cleverer than them.

I hate Ms or the worse Mx Abolish them both and just call people by their names hello sarah rather than hello ms smith

@LargeYorkshirePuddingAndGravy

I can't get annoyed at this sort of thing. But I guess being in a same sex relationship I get these kinds of assumptions made all the time but regarding my husband or the kids dad

As an example, I was called by track and trace today regarding my sons positive covid test. I was asked for details of everyone in the home. I said, it's just the two kids and both parents. He then went on to say "so can I get your details and then dads"

I can't get worked up, the vast majority of parents are a mum and dad. I did obviously correct him and give my wife's details but not in a pissed off way.

Your post reminds me of the old trick about 'draw a picture of a scientist' (and most people draw a man).

Good that you don't get riled, but things do need to change all the same.

The guy did apologise and said he shouldn't have made the assumption which is a start because they don't usually apologise at all.

I'd much prefer all women over 18 were mrs and I think this is becoming more common. The theory behind Ms I'd hood but I don't like the sound. I just use Mrs wherever there is an option despite being single.

@LargeYorkshirePuddingAndGravy

The guy did apologise and said he shouldn't have made the assumption which is a start because they don't usually apologise at all.

Good - I know your personal life shouldn't have to be a 'teaching moment' but progress comes one painful step at a time.

I wouldn’t even use Mrs if I was married.
I much prefer Ms.

I got a letter to “Mrs [ex’s last name]” the other day from the company that does maintenance on the house I rent. Thought that was a bit odd, seeing as we were never married and he’s been off the tenancy for a year! I should call them to fix that but it seems so minor. I’ll do it if they send another one.

I resent these norms. Can I use 'The Queen of Sheba' instead ?!

@Mumoblue

I wouldn’t even use Mrs if I was married. I much prefer Ms.

I got a letter to “Mrs [ex’s last name]” the other day from the company that does maintenance on the house I rent. Thought that was a bit odd, seeing as we were never married and he’s been off the tenancy for a year! I should call them to fix that but it seems so minor. I’ll do it if they send another one.

If you wanted to get very technical about it, you could say that you are illegally opening mail that isn't addressed to you, but to a person that doesn't even exist (perhaps, at a push, ex's mum)?

FFS, though, it does seem incredibly wearisome that here we are, in the 21st century, still asking nicely to be called by our ACTUAL NAMES and not some shit that somebody made up because it suits them...

I hate Ms. Not because I don't think it's a good thing to have a title for women which does not state marital status - I do. But because it's a stupid word with no vowel in it and people never seem to know if it's pronounced Mzzzzz or Miz (which sounds too like Miss anyway).

I also don't really understand why it's any more offensive to guess that someone is married than it is to guess they're not married. There is nothing inherently insulting about being married or unmarried.

I'm a Mrs. I'm quite a lot more of a feminist now than I was when I chose to become Mrs

I once had to visit a podiatrist. It was a private clinic and lots of, ahem, older ladies were clients. The podiatrist, a woman, asked me if I was Miss, Mrs or Other. I said, just call me (my first name). She was surprised. She said, "most of my clients insist on me using their titles".

I'm Mrs (husband's name) but if my marriage were to end I'd take Ms and choose a different surname again. My grandmother had an unusual maiden name and always fascinated me. It died out when she married my grandad (1940s, a different age). It's worth considering.

I got a letter to “Mrs [ex’s last name]” the other day from the company that does maintenance on the house I rent. Thought that was a bit odd, seeing as we were never married and he’s been off the tenancy for a year! I should call them to fix that but it seems so minor. I’ll do it if they send another one

Lots of things seem minor, but sum up to put women in their place.

Like my car insurance. I had my car insurance with one company. In my name. Only my name. They were doing a multi-car discount so I switched DH’s car on to my policy.

Guess who all the emails go to now, and who all letters are addressed to? Yep, DH.

Holidays too. I can research, book and pay for a holiday, only for DH to automatically be put as lead passenger.

Women are still seen as secondary to the males in their lives.

@AffIt

Hah. I didn’t even read the name until after I’d opened it, to be honest. It had the company logo on the front so I knew it was from them, and I live by myself.

Though ex’s last name is one that’s commonly confused for another (think like Smitt/Smith). While we were still together I was waiting for a package to be delivered and when it came the delivery man said “Are you Mrs. [Wrong ex’s last name]?”

Had a bit of a “Yeah, but, no, but, yeah” moment there.

Mrs Miss Ms are all abbreviations of the same word, 'Mistress', which as been used since the 16th cent - maybe before - as a title of RESPECT for a woman.

It's not sexist ast all.

see here:
www.cam.ac.uk/research/news/mistress-miss-mrs-or-ms-untangling-the-shifting-history-of-titles

There is no legal difference - even today - between any of those titles. Married or not, if you're an adult woman you can call yourself whichever you prefer. Or you can call yourself Mx, if you prefer that.

As others have said, the sooner we copy the French and use one title - they have Madame - for all adult women, the better. The sad thing is that we used to have that, but now 'Mistress' has changed its meaning and become devalued.

Honestly you need to let it go.
The women herself probably wasn’t married. I really don’t understand why this would offend you so much.

I remember asking my work colleague a question about her husband and she got very offended as they aren’t married - she was in her 60s and they’d been together for over 40 years. I was unmarried myself so her reaction was completely OTT.

I guess some people just love to be offended.
Don’t be that person.

@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea

I'm married and go by Ms as I don't think it should matter what my martial status is.

Why do people hate ms? I never knew people were opposed to this?

I don't like it because to me it just sound silly.

I am a Mrs and want to be called that.

To hear 'Is that Mrs ButtockUp?' Wouldn't bother me at all, I'd just reply 'It's Miss ButtockUp, actually' and then they would apologise and we'd move on.

If Mr ButtockUp had signed up for things and a phone call came through asking to speak to Mr ButtockUp, I'd say either he's here or not.
Often they will say, 'Oh, is that Mrs ButtockUp, then?'

I'd usually say 'yes.'

I get why you might be het up but if I wasn't married, I really couldn't be arsed to launch into a feminist diatribe about titles , societal assumptions, or anything to do with terms of address.

Cold callers don't need blather about 'who do you think I am.'
They're just trying to get through the day, as politely as they can, given that the majority of couples are , actually, married.