New parents being too sensitive

[vicprice88]

I had a very close knit group of friends and I was the only one in the group with children until one of my friends fell pregnant with the baby due in December (same sex couple, friends with both).

Normally I'll mention my children's birthday's coming up but I have no expectation of them as child-free people to do anything beyond mention it in the whatsapp group or pass on good wishes.

This year nobody remarked at all on my DS birthday and a couple of days later I mentioned in the WhatsApp group that I was slightly hurt that nobody said anything. One of the mums to be responded that 'we have more important things on our mind just now' and the group chat is now dead in the water, nobody has posted since then.

I have since individually messaged them and thought things were fine. I had bought some gifts for the baby just as I had seen things I knew they would really like and put them away in the cupboard.

I had an evening out with one of our mutual friends in December and remarked that our friends due date had passed, was there any talk of inducing her? She hesitated and said that she thought there was maybe talk of something and then she panicked and said 'I'm so sorry, he was born last week and they asked me not to tell you'. Mum and baby are both healthy and all went well. Our mutual friend told me his name.

I hesitated slightly over this but wrapped up the gifts and sent them along with a congratulations card in the post (they live quite nearby but it didn't feel right to drop by). A few days after it would have been received, both messaged me thanking me for the lovely gifts and said it was kind of me.

They don't use social media and I haven't seen any photos. A week or so later I asked my friend of 17 years how her partner was getting along post birth and she sent me a message along the lines of 'I can't believe you're trying to pretend everything is normal after you had a tantrum over us forgetting DS birthday. You hardly ever asked after partner during pregnancy and then you send a gift as if everything is fine?".

Things will still be hectic and emotions all over the place for both of them so what is the sensible course of action here?

@vicprice88

I think I've had enough of a response here, I'm clearly the devil incarnate for expression hurt feelings to close friends.

Thank you all for your input but I'd appreciate no more comments on this thread.

So you're the dramatic one clearly, also this is a forum you don't get to call the shots about people commenting.

I await the deletion messages saying "op is concerned that this may be identified, so we've agreed to take it down".

@LovedayCL

I think it sounds like you’re all being over sensitive. However, when I’ve had friends that send messages like the one about the birthday, it made me feel really anxious and as though I’m not up to their definition of friendship standard, eventually I start feeling as though that friendship is an ‘unexploded bomb.’ Basically I know that the person isn’t thinking the best of me and our friendship, but rather looking for where, based on their values, I’ve been substandard. They assume they’re being a ‘good friend’ based on their arbitrary values but mine are irrelevant. I don’t care if someone forgets my child’s birthday or doesn’t phone within a set time, that’s not how I measure relationships. They’re usually people who like to proactively describe themselves as ‘good friends’ and not consider how other people then feel.

In the past I would have been really careful with friends like that, always making sure I did the things that mattered to them, regular contact, checking in on important dates, organising things. But there’s little joy in that for me. It’s basically minding the bomb carefully.

These days I just let the bomb explode, I was always going to be deemed substandard at some point and so neither of our needs were being met.

Absolutely this.

People who send messages like OPs are basically using their emotional reactions to try to coerce people into giving them what they want, for fear of encountering a future such reaction: ' Minding the bomb' is an excellent description, that I am sure anyone who has had the misfortune to be in what is, essentially, a very manipulative friendship where you get 'rewarded' for good behaviour and 'punished' for bad behaviour, will recognise.

Given the reaction of the couple having the baby, I very much doubt this was the first time OP has used this tactic and suspect this was just the final in a very long line of straws.

💐 you’ve done nothing wrong OP

"Minding the bomb" is a great description.

I had my toddlers birthday this weekend and I just can’t wrap my head around having expected my friends to remember it- including those with whom I discussed plans in the last week. And we are Good friends who meet and dine and shop.

So bizarre.

And about the “no more comments please” what are the chances OP has written to Mumsnet and this thread will be “deleted by OP’s request as it is causing her some real life issues/OP has privacy concerns”?

If they are a same sex couple, they might want longer than normal in privacy. But, I really don't know.

Thinking about this a lot and I feel like both parties got hurt and both parties reacted-
One party (OP) reacted by communicating (albeit childishly on a group chat) and the other party (new parents) reacted by asking people not to communicate with OP who theyve known for 17 years about the birth of their child because they were annoyed.
I can't help but think OPs response was more reasonable, at least she communicated to the people involved instead of behind their backs.
Tbh I think it's all a load of drama that could have been avoided but I think in this case the other party was more childish.

OP I can see where you are coming from, in all honesty the “birth” and nth birthday of a child are two very different sets of emotions.

You can’t blindside your friends with remembering every iteration of people’s calendars.

I would walk the humble road, give your head a wobble and try restore harmony among the group if this is shared feelings

The others in the group overreacted somewhat to your outburst, sadly two wrongs don’t make a right.

If your friends had forgotten “your” birthday due to a pending arrival then yes I would be miffed and slighted, but completely understanding this year..

Your children need only care about birthday wishes from school friends and family (maybe godparents) and one or two close friends.

I actually like it when I have friends that don’t remember every occasion and event in my life. It means I get a pass too and then when we do speak, it’s because we want to.

I would never complain to my friends about them missing my child’s birthday, but if I was on the receiving end of a message like that I wouldn’t get upset and blacklist the friend either. I’d probably just apologise and think nothing more of it, especially with a very old friend.

I think they’ve behaved really badly tbh - it’s a mega overreaction. But what can you do. Just ignore them - if they want to patch things up they will. If they don’t then at least you know they were never good friends anyway.

I don't have dc. Some of my friends do. I have a rough idea ie I could figure out the month their children were born but I couldn't tell you the date. Unless your friends were prompted that the birthday was a couple of days away, I don't think that any ill intent was meant by not saying happy birthday although I can understand why you would be a bit upset or disappointed nevertheless.

The new parents seem quite stressed. If you meet up as part of a group and really need to make amends id just send a message and apologise if it cane across badly, you were a bit disappointed at the time but you don't want to lose their friendship over it. You would love to see them soon and meet the little one?

It is hard to remember friends’ children’s birthdays. It’s even harder to care to remember friends’ children’s birthdays.

You just don't sound very nice. Everyone has a calendar in their phone. Put it in, set up as recurring annually, send a quick whatsapp.
If you can't even do this you really must not like them.

Do people not remember things like their friends anniversaries, to text them when they have a job interview, to pass on condolences etc? People on mumsnet really seem to resent having friends.

@thisplaceisweird

It is hard to remember friends’ children’s birthdays. It’s even harder to care to remember friends’ children’s birthdays.

You just don't sound very nice. Everyone has a calendar in their phone. Put it in, set up as recurring annually, send a quick whatsapp.
If you can't even do this you really must not like them.

Do people not remember things like their friends anniversaries, to text them when they have a job interview, to pass on condolences etc? People on mumsnet really seem to resent having friends.

Loads of friends, but no I don't do all that stuff.

Love 'minding the bomb'!

Nope, not a bomb minder. As I've got older I've had so many more things I 'should' remember - the date of friends' parents as well as their birthdays, the dates of miscarriages and due dates of babies that should have been born.

Those dates are mine (or my friends) to mark - to celebrate and/or grieve as needed. If we all had to remember every single event for each of our friends, there would be about 3 days in the year that didn't mean something.

Celebrate new life but not the passing of each year for children. That's something you celebrate with friends.

And no I really don't put death dates of my friend's loved ones in my calendar @thisplaceisweird. How ghoulish!

I'm also appreciating the bomb metaphor. Very true. Don't be a bomb.

@Clymene

And no I really don't put death dates of my friend's loved ones in my calendar *@thisplaceisweird*. How ghoulish!

Jeeze no. Neither do I. Not because it's ghoulish but because I don't do anniversaries of sad things.

I didn't even know the date that my husband died. I was in a parallel universe when he was dying and probably couldn't even have told you the month. I only know when it's the anniversary because one of my DDs posts a photo of him on her FB page.
I don't expect anyone to contact me on that date, and if they did, though I'd appreciate that they meant well, I don't think I'd want it.

My brother and sister in law forgot my DC birthday one year - they had a lot going on. Brother remembered a week later and apologised. I said don’t worry you have a lot on. He sent a card and money quickly. I wouldn’t have dreamed of mentioning it even if he hadn’t remembered later.
You never know what is happening in other peoples lives - what if your friends had just had bad news of some kind?

@ToykotoLosAngeles

I don't think you understand what TALK DIRECTLY means.

Talk to the person in a straightforward manner, as in face to face or by telephone on a 1:1 basis.

Not using a group chat to air your dirty linen and post passive aggressive comments trying to score silly points.

Messaging should be used for arranging things or making a quick comment n a photo etc.

Proper friends arrange to meet or phone each other occasionally, otherwise where's the actual friendship?

[quote MaudieandMe]@ToykotoLosAngeles

I don't think you understand what TALK DIRECTLY means.

Talk to the person in a straightforward manner, as in face to face or by telephone on a 1:1 basis.

Not using a group chat to air your dirty linen and post passive aggressive comments trying to score silly points.

Messaging should be used for arranging things or making a quick comment n a photo etc.

Proper friends arrange to meet or phone each other occasionally, otherwise where's the actual friendship?

[/quote]
What in the blue fuck are you talking about? You stuck up for my friend who was the one posting the passive aggressive comments about how disappointing we all were, like the OP did, and then called me a bitch when I said that we were glad when she dropped us!

@thisplaceisweird

It is hard to remember friends’ children’s birthdays. It’s even harder to care to remember friends’ children’s birthdays.

You just don't sound very nice. Everyone has a calendar in their phone. Put it in, set up as recurring annually, send a quick whatsapp.
If you can't even do this you really must not like them.

Do people not remember things like their friends anniversaries, to text them when they have a job interview, to pass on condolences etc? People on mumsnet really seem to resent having friends.

I get everything you say, but actually in real life, I don't bother to post birthday wishes to everyone whose name appears on Facebook. If you matter to me, I will have sent you a cardboard card via snail-mail, and if love you, I will have put a carefully chosen stamp on the envelope. Social media is making people unnecessarily precious.

And actually said friend was fine in person and would wait until afterwards to "tell us off" via group Whatsapp.

Both parties are being dramatic

@thisplaceisweird

It is hard to remember friends’ children’s birthdays. It’s even harder to care to remember friends’ children’s birthdays.

You just don't sound very nice. Everyone has a calendar in their phone. Put it in, set up as recurring annually, send a quick whatsapp.
If you can't even do this you really must not like them.

Do people not remember things like their friends anniversaries, to text them when they have a job interview, to pass on condolences etc? People on mumsnet really seem to resent having friends.

It is all a bit much though. Does this apply to people you become friends with who already have children? What about people with adult children? Do you have to remember theirs as well? What about friend’s partner’s birthdays? What is the cut off. How well do you have to know someone before you put these dates into your phone calendar? Too soon and it could be a bit suffocating.

It is all a bit much though. Does this apply to people you become friends with who already have children? What about people with adult children? Do you have to remember theirs as well? What about friend’s partner’s birthdays? What is the cut off. How well do you have to know someone before you put these dates into your phone calendar? Too soon and it could be a bit suffocating.

I agree. I message my close friends on their birthdays but I certainly don't remember the birthday's of their family members or people I know less well, I'd only really say happy birthday if they'd said or posted something about it that invited comment.