New parents being too sensitive

[vicprice88]

I had a very close knit group of friends and I was the only one in the group with children until one of my friends fell pregnant with the baby due in December (same sex couple, friends with both).

Normally I'll mention my children's birthday's coming up but I have no expectation of them as child-free people to do anything beyond mention it in the whatsapp group or pass on good wishes.

This year nobody remarked at all on my DS birthday and a couple of days later I mentioned in the WhatsApp group that I was slightly hurt that nobody said anything. One of the mums to be responded that 'we have more important things on our mind just now' and the group chat is now dead in the water, nobody has posted since then.

I have since individually messaged them and thought things were fine. I had bought some gifts for the baby just as I had seen things I knew they would really like and put them away in the cupboard.

I had an evening out with one of our mutual friends in December and remarked that our friends due date had passed, was there any talk of inducing her? She hesitated and said that she thought there was maybe talk of something and then she panicked and said 'I'm so sorry, he was born last week and they asked me not to tell you'. Mum and baby are both healthy and all went well. Our mutual friend told me his name.

I hesitated slightly over this but wrapped up the gifts and sent them along with a congratulations card in the post (they live quite nearby but it didn't feel right to drop by). A few days after it would have been received, both messaged me thanking me for the lovely gifts and said it was kind of me.

They don't use social media and I haven't seen any photos. A week or so later I asked my friend of 17 years how her partner was getting along post birth and she sent me a message along the lines of 'I can't believe you're trying to pretend everything is normal after you had a tantrum over us forgetting DS birthday. You hardly ever asked after partner during pregnancy and then you send a gift as if everything is fine?".

Things will still be hectic and emotions all over the place for both of them so what is the sensible course of action here?

@aSofaNearYou

It is all a bit much though. Does this apply to people you become friends with who already have children? What about people with adult children? Do you have to remember theirs as well? What about friend’s partner’s birthdays? What is the cut off. How well do you have to know someone before you put these dates into your phone calendar? Too soon and it could be a bit suffocating.

I agree. I message my close friends on their birthdays but I certainly don't remember the birthday's of their family members or people I know less well, I'd only really say happy birthday if they'd said or posted something about it that invited comment.

Tbf, that's what I got from the op. They're close enough to be in a friends group and have a group chat, and she casually brought it up beforehand.

Now, I wouldn't go around hassling people if they forget, but their response was really rude, and actually upsetting. Imagine being a parent and your friend of 17yrs implying your child's birthday isn't important? Bit shit, even if you're annoyed by the text.

Quite surprised that people aren't talking about the friends' response, they sound unpleasant really.

Quite surprised that people aren't talking about the friends' response, they sound unpleasant really

The friends sound like they are trying to distance themselves from the Op.
I suspect there have been other instances and they dont need the drama when they have a new baby.

*Tbf, that's what I got from the op. They're close enough to be in a friends group and have a group chat, and she casually brought it up beforehand.

Now, I wouldn't go around hassling people if they forget, but their response was really rude, and actually upsetting. Imagine being a parent and your friend of 17yrs implying your child's birthday isn't important? Bit shit, even if you're annoyed by the text.

Quite surprised that people aren't talking about the friends' response, they sound unpleasant really.*

I couldn't get from the OP whether she did mention it beforehand or not. She said she normally did but not whether she did this time. But in any case, I do agree that the friends response was rude and they come across worse in this than OP. I think it's quite likely they were also (somewhat unreasonably in my book) miffed that friends including OP weren't showing enough interest in their pregnancy, and were overly bristled by OPs comment as a result. It would have been hypocritical in their eyes, which doesn't excuse it but may explain it. Their reaction was definitely worse than hers.

I just also don't really feel that you should be upset if friends don't remember your family members birthdays.

Life's too short for this kind of petty nonsense. And this is emanating from all members of this group. I'll say for you that at least you expressed your displeasure directly (albeit I'd have saved my breath over something so minor), rather than using the silly, cloak-and-dagger, passive aggressive responses 'but don't tell Vic, shhh!' responses they've resorted to. All very childish and silly.

Sounds as though this friendship has probably run its course.

Do you want to keep your friendship? If yes maybe say sorry for upsetting them. If no forget this and move on, yea your were OTT to bring up the lack of bday wishes but they are being OTT in their response!

It sounds like THEY are the ones having a tantrum

@Flocon

I know everyone has a lot on just now but I'm a wee bit hurt that nobody remembered to pass on birthday wishes this year' I wouldn't be happy getting that tbh.

OP has every right to simply & politely state that she feels hurt about something. There's nothing wrong with that. So if you 'wouldn't be happy' getting it, then that's on you

@Cocomarine

You know if you hadn’t ticked them off, probably there’d have been:

• ooooh hope you had a lovely time!
• can’t believe he’s 7 already!
• oh I’m useless, I totally forgot, sorry!

We all have enough bother in our lives without being told off by friends.

How is stating that something hurt you to your friends 'telling them off?!'

'went to the new cinema in town to see the new Disney film for DS birthday on Thursday- highly recommend both the film and the cinema! I know everyone has a lot on just now but I'm a wee bit hurt that nobody remembered to pass on birthday wishes this year'

What an eye roll. You must have a very privileged life of this is something that hurt... honestly yes they sound completely sensitive but if someone wrote that about me in a group chat whilst I was pregnant/having a baby I'd tell them to get a grip.
In a group chat so everyone can flock around you... grow up ... if you'd mentioned the cinema and just not said how 'hurt' you were, they'd probably have been a bit better towards you.

It sounds like you're all super-sensitive. Christ, I'm always forgetting my friends' kids' birthdays. No-one has a strop about it or expect presents from anyone outside family anyway.

I think you're think the one being oversensitive over it unless there is another backstory that you've fallen out in the past with them. It was kind of you to send a present but just let it go. And let them get on with enjoying their new baby.

[quote MaudieandMe]**@vicprice88

I had an evening out with one of our mutual friends in December and remarked that our friends due date had passed, was there any talk of inducing her? She hesitated and said that she thought there was maybe talk of something and then she panicked and said 'I'm so sorry, he was born last week and they asked me not to tell you'. Mum and baby are both healthy and all went well. Our mutual friend told me his name.

What a shitty attitude these new parents have. The directive about not telling you the baby had been born was incredibly childish and self centred and the sort of response you’d expect from a group of 10yr olds, not grown adult women.

I think you need to step away from this toxic group and move on and find some new grown up friends. Of course you can tell Real friends when you’re feeling disappointed about something without them getting arsey. That’s the point of a good friendship. To support each other when you’re feeling low.

Sounds like they just want a superficial friendship, like an Instagram equivalent. [/quote]
THIS THIS THIS!!!!!!!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

@vicprice88 Honestly, ignore the nasty vitriol you've had here. Decent people think like this ⬆️

@heyitsthistle

I'm with you, OP. I'd be really upset if my friends didn't wish my DD's happy birthday. I held a party for my eldest in December, but one of my oldest and closest friends said she couldn't make it because it was NYE and she was planning to start drinking from midday. That really upset me. I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to bring it up with your friends, a testament to how close your friendship is.

Them not telling you about the birth of their child, and more specifically, asking your mutual friend not to tell you. What the actual fuck! Massive overreaction on their behalf. I'd say that's a friendship-destroying offence. Holy crap. I'm sorry.

This is the most bonkers message I've seen in a while. Honestly, your daughters birthday is important to you, the other parent and perhaps your families. It is not important to pretty much anyone else because the have their own lives, and frankly kids birthday parties are tedious as fuck

@vicprice88

I think I've had enough of a response here, I'm clearly the devil incarnate for expression hurt feelings to close friends.

Thank you all for your input but I'd appreciate no more comments on this thread.

OP I don’t see what you’ve done wrong at all. Maybe you shouldn’t have called them out of forgetting your DS’s birthday but that’s such a small thing. Whenever a close enough friend has s baby, I add their birthday to my calendar. No effort at all and they a happy birthday for their DC. If takes seconds.

Please step back from the friendship s bit, if you can. The new parents will come to their senses at some point, surely.
It’s really rubbish of them asking others not to tell you their DC had been born. That’s really low of them. Sounds like they withheld the news to punish you. White distasteful to put your mutual friends in that position tbh.

Im glad to see some semi normal responses here but kind of shocked by all the nasty ones. This is why Im so wary of friendship groups, women seem to be out to get each other too often.

@Norgie

I'm baffled as to why you think your child's birthday is important to anyone else.

This!

I’d expect my friends to remember my birthday. Mum friends ie my child’s friends mother who is also my friend to remember my child’s birthday. Friends who socialise with me are not expected to remember my child’s birthday.

Do you not go to birthday parties or anything then? I know my childrens friends birthdays because I plan for them by buying gifts. I have them in my phone calendar.
They tend to forget the date of mine but know the month and usually ask me near the time to confirm the date.

I had assumed most people do this 🤷🏻‍♀️

@thisplaceisweird

It is hard to remember friends’ children’s birthdays. It’s even harder to care to remember friends’ children’s birthdays.

You just don't sound very nice. Everyone has a calendar in their phone. Put it in, set up as recurring annually, send a quick whatsapp.
If you can't even do this you really must not like them.

Do people not remember things like their friends anniversaries, to text them when they have a job interview, to pass on condolences etc? People on mumsnet really seem to resent having friends.

That’s me you’re calling not very nice.

My friends have over fifty children between them. I’d be sending happy birthday little Tarquinius WhatsApps every five minutes.

I say happy birthday to children who I see for their birthdays. Nobody gives a shit that I don’t send messages to those I don’t. If a friend mentioned they were doing something for their child’s birthday, I’d say I hope it went well.

I don’t need random posters on mumsnet to tell me whether I am nice or not. And no, I don’t send happy anniversary messages. My friends don’t send me them either. That isn’t how we judge our friendships.

I think they are massively over reacting too, especially after you’ve sent some gifts. Maybe you could apologise on the group chat, say you were feeling particularly sensitive and you hope it doesn’t spoil your friendships as you really value their friendship - something like that. Or give them some time, new mum hormones and all that!

DOES ANYBODY ACTUALLY KNOW THE MEANING OF PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE??!

sorry for the caps, I felt I had to shout that one out. People seem to love throwing that one around.

Plus, you're all mean. Just mean people. Well, the ones tearing OP down. Do you really, truly think that hiding a baby's birth is proportional response to her one, misguided (direct, not passive aggressive) comment? Really???!

@CautiousOptimist11

DOES ANYBODY ACTUALLY KNOW THE MEANING OF PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE??!

sorry for the caps, I felt I had to shout that one out. People seem to love throwing that one around.

Plus, you're all mean. Just mean people. Well, the ones tearing OP down. Do you really, truly think that hiding a baby's birth is proportional response to her one, misguided (direct, not passive aggressive) comment? Really???!

Louder for the people at the back please claps

I just cannot get over how people are skimming over how bloody WEIRD it is that they wanted to hide the birth of their child from a friend of 17 years (!!) because they were basically in a big huff.

These are grown ups, who are now parents. I am honestly gobsmacked more people think sending a message to tell someone you're hurt is worse than this.

I think there’s fault on both sides.

I’ve have been hurt if I’d got that message from you. I don’t remember friends kids birthdays. I barely remember my own grown up kids’ birthdays.

I don’t do the wife work of calendars and reminders and don’t forget to text Susan and wish her wee Johnny a happy birthday.

leave her , give her space .When she is fine she would come back

I am honestly gobsmacked more people think sending a message to tell someone you're hurt is worse than this.

Does anybody actually think their response wasn't worse, though? Rather than there just being a spot of hypocrisy going on when it comes to the subject of sensitivity?

@aSofaNearYou

I am honestly gobsmacked more people think sending a message to tell someone you're hurt is worse than this.

Does anybody actually think their response wasn't worse, though? Rather than there just being a spot of hypocrisy going on when it comes to the subject of sensitivity?

'Difficult, needy, rude, controlling, selfish...'

Bonkers really, but i suppose it's a slow Sunday.