New parents being too sensitive

[vicprice88]

I had a very close knit group of friends and I was the only one in the group with children until one of my friends fell pregnant with the baby due in December (same sex couple, friends with both).

Normally I'll mention my children's birthday's coming up but I have no expectation of them as child-free people to do anything beyond mention it in the whatsapp group or pass on good wishes.

This year nobody remarked at all on my DS birthday and a couple of days later I mentioned in the WhatsApp group that I was slightly hurt that nobody said anything. One of the mums to be responded that 'we have more important things on our mind just now' and the group chat is now dead in the water, nobody has posted since then.

I have since individually messaged them and thought things were fine. I had bought some gifts for the baby just as I had seen things I knew they would really like and put them away in the cupboard.

I had an evening out with one of our mutual friends in December and remarked that our friends due date had passed, was there any talk of inducing her? She hesitated and said that she thought there was maybe talk of something and then she panicked and said 'I'm so sorry, he was born last week and they asked me not to tell you'. Mum and baby are both healthy and all went well. Our mutual friend told me his name.

I hesitated slightly over this but wrapped up the gifts and sent them along with a congratulations card in the post (they live quite nearby but it didn't feel right to drop by). A few days after it would have been received, both messaged me thanking me for the lovely gifts and said it was kind of me.

They don't use social media and I haven't seen any photos. A week or so later I asked my friend of 17 years how her partner was getting along post birth and she sent me a message along the lines of 'I can't believe you're trying to pretend everything is normal after you had a tantrum over us forgetting DS birthday. You hardly ever asked after partner during pregnancy and then you send a gift as if everything is fine?".

Things will still be hectic and emotions all over the place for both of them so what is the sensible course of action here?

Difficult.
If I had read your message I would have thought precious first born narcissism and eye-rolled to my partner.
I then would have been entirely two-faced and whatsapped OMG so sorry. Blame it on baby brain (or other excuse), glad he had a nice day x Balloon and kiss emojis, job done.
They called you out on it instead. Bit petty but, then again, you could have avoided the situation in the first place.
If there was no contact between that last message and the birth, despite you knowing due date been and gone, you have proven their point.
But you all sound like you need a chill-pill. Babies, kids and their birthdays aren't all that, no matter how long you have known each other.
Also, if they are on here - and as new mums they might be, this thread castigating them in public will go down like a lead balloon.

@Flocon

I know everyone has a lot on just now but I'm a wee bit hurt that nobody remembered to pass on birthday wishes this year' I wouldn't be happy getting that tbh.

Same. Guilt tripping and shaming is low. Your friend was due to give birth so she really did have more important things on.

I love my friends but, unless they have a party, I have no idea about their childrens’ birthdays.

I think perhaps you've been a bit over sensitive, with the birthday thing. But I don't think you deserve some of the replies here. Some of the reaching people are doing is hilarious.

However, your friends do sound ridiculous. I cannot imagine having a child, and one of my first thoughts to be "but don't tell such and such!"... who the hell can be bothered to be so childish. They're not the first to get pregnant and have kids, and they'll not be the last. I'm sure in time they'll realise that.

Are you going to reply to them? Tbh I'd probably say you didn't mean to upset them, however you were just being honest about being hurt, and how you now realise it may not have been an appropriate time or place to raise this.

Leave the ball in their court and hopefully they'll realise they're being childish.

I don’t think you deserve the character assassination you’ve been given here.

Sure your initial message was a bit passive aggressive and misjudged, but none of us are perfect.

Your friends are behaving pretty twatishly - Id be understanding to an extent as first babies do send most people a bit loopy - but I’d probably just leave them to it!

@MistyFrequencies

Your last message reinforces my initial thought that you're hard work. You posted on AIBU then play victim when (some, not all) people tell you you are being unreasonable.

Drama. Drama. Drama. From everyone. I tend to agree with this post upthread.

I can't see anything wrong with your message. I certainly wouldn't be offended by that.

My guess is that either something else is going on, or that these are not truly friends. I would post on WhatsApp that you're sorry if you've somehow caused offense to anyone, but you don't know what you did to cause this and that you'd like to continue being friends. Unless they respond positively, I think you'll have to write them off as ex-friends.

If any of your friends are on Mumsnet this is all quite identifying. It would certainly give them something to talk about in their new WhatsApp group.

What's the point of them remembering his birthday? They're your friends, not his.

You should have just sucked it up op, your message was polite but it wasn’t as subtle as perhaps you meant it to be, you got people’s backs up and they got defensive. If I had to guess, they’ve probably made another whatsapp group without you on.

They also sound a bit questionable, and maybe they’re over sensitivities unfortunately just happened at the same time as yours, they might also be the sorts of people who just can’t admit to being in the wrong.

Hmm. Personally I wouldn’t have mentioned the birthday thing because for me it wouldn’t really bother me enough to, but equally I wouldn’t be offended if someone text me to say that, I’d just apologise and move on so I think everyone is being a bit precious really. I will also say, just because they said all was well with the pregnancy dosent mean it was. My go to with everyone during mine was everything was fine,but actually I was in and out of inpatient stays with pre eclampsia and my liver starting to go. It was less stressful not having to explain and also face up to the fact everything wasn’t ok. I think with covid too it was much much easier to cover up things for people that were going wrong so that possibility is there. In fact, they could have family issues not pregnancy related at all you just don’t know.
I guess you just have to decide if the friendships are worth the trouble but if it was me I’d try to smooth things over at a later stage and give some space for now!

@Flocon

I know everyone has a lot on just now but I'm a wee bit hurt that nobody remembered to pass on birthday wishes this year' I wouldn't be happy getting that tbh.

I’m hopeless at remembering birthdays! I’d probably have said sorry, then completely forgotten again until I hurt you by forgetting again the next year, OP.

Did you say you’d mentioned it before the event though? If you mentioned it before on the WhatsApp group, and nobody responded at all, then it sounds like the whole WhatsApp group is in a severe stage of decline as nobody can be bothered.

Your message was unpleasant and touchy. Nothing good could have come from it. If you had just sent the first part about the cinema then chances are someone would then have said something nice about his birthday. Adding the second bit could only lead to people being pissed off or defensive. That said, she sounds equally ridiculous in holding onto a grudge about it.
If you really want to make friends, ring her and apologise for the remark. Say you were being over sensitive and that you're sorry to have upset her in turn. If she then continues to be funny about it, drop it.

I'm sorry, but I can't even begin to imagine publicly castigating people for forgetting my children's birthday. I would not expect them to remember in the first place, and even if they did, unless I have invited them to said child's birthday do, why on earth would I expect them to mark the day at all?

Hell, I would only expect my friends to mark MY birthday if I have specifically told them it is my birthday and invited them to some sort of birthday do.

You were rude to send that message. They feel you admonished them for demanding a level of interest from them that you were not showing TO them. I imagine there is history of them feeling that you are demanding of how they treat them ( I had a friend who would send messages like yours and then feign lack of comprehension as to why they would piss anyone off, as she tried so hard to word them nicely - note that she is a former friend ).

They've had enough of the passive-aggressive control implied in your message and they have decided to cut you out.

Learn from this and move on.

@vicprice88

The purpose was that I was hurt and it's been a close friendship group for a long time where I thought we were able to discuss things like that. We've always been fairly open about issues and it's never been a particularly dramatic or high maintenance group.

As I said, as the only member of the group with children (until now) I expect very little from my friends regarding my kids.

I don't believe this group has never been dramatic and high maintenance before and now there are 2 incidents in one go

You were sensitive, they over reacted

Apologise and move on

Apologies, I’d missed that six pages had appeared between my page 1 comments and here, and that OP asked for no more comments.

Never mind, OP. Mumsnet can be harsh, especially AIBU.

I think you have to accept that the friendship with the new parents is probably over. Try and maintain friendships with the others on a one to one basis but don't discuss the new parents, however much you might want to know how things are going.

They do sound worse than you OP to still be so offended by it, but I do agree with others, you all sound sensitive. I would never have sent the message about being hurt, that is quite a sensitive thing to do.

@thisplaceisweird

They don't sound like particularly good friends. My friends all said happy birthday to my dog last week even they have a lot of personal stuff going on. It's not hard to send a text.

They sound quite mad, but presumably, you'd (somehow) reminded them, with a straight face, that Fido's birthday was approaching? Rather than tell everyone after Fido had cried himself to sleep over the absence of human birthday texts that you were sad and disappointed in them?

Do you really want to be running after these people for the next few years only to realise they’re not worth it?

Ignore them all now and concentrate on those who value you.

I know everyone has a lot on just now but I'm a wee bit hurt that nobody remembered to pass on birthday wishes this year

Honestly, I would just have removed you from the group for a comment like this. NOBODY cares about kids birthdays ESPECIALLY when they have no kids themselves. If they had not said Happy Birthday to you that would be different but to expect them to flood the group chat with birthday greeting for your child is ridiculous.

It was totally ridiculous of you expecting your friends to make a fuss of your child’s birthday. You sound very high maintenance.

@Iwonderwhatsnext

Often times when we feel upset or annoyed with others it is revealing unmet emotional needs of ours

I wonder if there's some anxiety about not being the only one in the group with children anymore, or OPs own children not being in the baby phase the new parents are about to experience, and this is something from the death throes of that situation. A bit of desperation that their own children won't lose importance/attention as they get older and time moves on.

Just a completely unsolicited, random guess!

It's all a lot of drama!

You didn't need to mention that they'd forgotten the birthday, had you just said we went to the cinema for DS birthday, they'd probably my have said, oh goodness we forgot, sorry happy belated birthday.

But you stopped that.

If you want it sorted arrange to meet for a coffee and chat, messages are no good for this type of thing.

OP just go round cap in hand and apologise for having your head up your arse. If they then continue to block you out then they’re not worth it.

FWIW other peoples kids birthdays aren’t my biggest concern. If I do happen to remember your child’s birthday then you are lucky.

@BrambleRoses

This is in no way aimed at you personally but I would say as a general point that a group chat is the absolute worst place to bring up not being happy about something. People feel (understandably imo) defensive when admonished in public.

I think this may be why they’ve reacted in the way that they have - I’m not saying it’s right but they seem to have taken it personally.

This.

Even if you felt you were being reasonable at the time, accusing someone of something in a group chat is essentially bullying behaviour.