New parents being too sensitive

[vicprice88]

I had a very close knit group of friends and I was the only one in the group with children until one of my friends fell pregnant with the baby due in December (same sex couple, friends with both).

Normally I'll mention my children's birthday's coming up but I have no expectation of them as child-free people to do anything beyond mention it in the whatsapp group or pass on good wishes.

This year nobody remarked at all on my DS birthday and a couple of days later I mentioned in the WhatsApp group that I was slightly hurt that nobody said anything. One of the mums to be responded that 'we have more important things on our mind just now' and the group chat is now dead in the water, nobody has posted since then.

I have since individually messaged them and thought things were fine. I had bought some gifts for the baby just as I had seen things I knew they would really like and put them away in the cupboard.

I had an evening out with one of our mutual friends in December and remarked that our friends due date had passed, was there any talk of inducing her? She hesitated and said that she thought there was maybe talk of something and then she panicked and said 'I'm so sorry, he was born last week and they asked me not to tell you'. Mum and baby are both healthy and all went well. Our mutual friend told me his name.

I hesitated slightly over this but wrapped up the gifts and sent them along with a congratulations card in the post (they live quite nearby but it didn't feel right to drop by). A few days after it would have been received, both messaged me thanking me for the lovely gifts and said it was kind of me.

They don't use social media and I haven't seen any photos. A week or so later I asked my friend of 17 years how her partner was getting along post birth and she sent me a message along the lines of 'I can't believe you're trying to pretend everything is normal after you had a tantrum over us forgetting DS birthday. You hardly ever asked after partner during pregnancy and then you send a gift as if everything is fine?".

Things will still be hectic and emotions all over the place for both of them so what is the sensible course of action here?

[pizz]

Sorry- these are things aimed at the op, so I think it's fair to say she got a hard time. One of the things I dislike about Mumsnet. One person makes a negative post, then everyone else sees it as the green light to dig in (undeservedly).

[Focus126]

@Whatafustercluck

I think you've had some unkind responses here op. Being hurt about your ds's birthday being forgotten and raising it on a group chat probably wasn't your finest moment.

However, all of this fallout from your 'friends' as a result, excluding you from news about a birth? Massive overreaction on their part. I can only go by what you've said here, that there's no other back story, you asked after her etc and your group message was as described. But to me it sounds like they may not be the friends you thought they were. If I'd had a tiff over nothing/ very little (and that's all it is) with a friend who later bought me a lovely gift, there's no way I'd carry things on.

This.

[SallyGoLucky]

@pizz

Sorry- these are things aimed at the op, so I think it's fair to say she got a hard time. One of the things I dislike about Mumsnet. One person makes a negative post, then everyone else sees it as the green light to dig in (undeservedly).

100% agree.

Some of the comments directed at OP had me going back to reread her original post to check incase I'd missed some vital part where she'd done/said something horrifically offensive!

[percypigwig]

@pizz

Sorry- these are things aimed at the op, so I think it's fair to say she got a hard time. One of the things I dislike about Mumsnet. One person makes a negative post, then everyone else sees it as the green light to dig in (undeservedly).

What pizz said

[ButtockUp]

@Poptart4

There has to be something more to this, maybe something your not aware of? Their reaction is extremely over the top otherwise. I mean not wanting you to know the baby had been born is ridiculous.

Could you ask your mutual friends if they know anything?

Also since the whatsapp group has gone dead, I'd be wondering if they set up a new one without you.

Exactly this.

OP, I think, somehow, you might have dropped a bit of a social media bomb . The fact that you were dropped from the birth news and that someone told you that you weren't to be told something, speaks volumes.

Personally, I'd back away. I think that another WhatsApp group has been made , behind your back.

I truly feel for you . 💐

[DirtyDancing]

To be very frank, and it's taken me a few years and lots of friends missing my DCs birthdays to realise- they are just not going to be that bothered about your kids birthday. Honestly, it's someone else's child.. your child doesn't read WhatsApp and isn't on the group. Why does it matter if they wish them happy birthday or not.

To say you are hurt over it.. it's really completely OTT.

[GrettaGreen]

I would be livid about getting a 'gift' through the post after being given a ticking off and then no other contact in between either apologising or asking how I was to try and move past it. I see that as rather calculated actually.

[GrettaGreen]

And to add it sounds more likely that they said to the others when they were discussing your passive aggressive message "let's see how long it takes her to bother messaging how the pregnacy/birth goes" rather than some mass conspiracy.

[ivykaty44]

I’d see a gift as a peace gesture or olive branch

They’ve decided to it’s neither - which gives you the message loud and clear they are no longer friends

[thisplaceisweird]

I must live in a fantasy land because my mom's best friends text me on my birthday and I make a fuss of all of my close friends kids on their birthdays. It's lovely, why not??
Before anyone says anything, yes I have my own kids, full time job, busy life etc.

[aSofaNearYou]

@thisplaceisweird

I must live in a fantasy land because my mom's best friends text me on my birthday and I make a fuss of all of my close friends kids on their birthdays. It's lovely, why not??
Before anyone says anything, yes I have my own kids, full time job, busy life etc.

Yes why not, but also it's too far to be upset with people who DON'T do this. Most don't.

[priszilla]

@DirtyDancing

To be very frank, and it's taken me a few years and lots of friends missing my DCs birthdays to realise- they are just not going to be that bothered about your kids birthday. Honestly, it's someone else's child.. your child doesn't read WhatsApp and isn't on the group. Why does it matter if they wish them happy birthday or not.

To say you are hurt over it.. it's really completely OTT.

Another one who stopped reading halfway down the original post

[StEval]

just cannot get over how people are skimming over how bloody WEIRD it is that they wanted to hide the birth of their child from a friend of 17 years (!!) because they were basically in a big huff.

Given the Ops behaviour on the thread I read it that they were finally stepping away.
Which sounds pretty sensible to me.

[FranklyMyBeer]

It's sometimes hard to accept that your children really don't mean as much to.anyone else as they do to you.

[rarge]

How do some of you manage to maintain friendships off your willing to sacrifice a 17 year friendship over something so minor? I do not buy it at all.

[SallyGoLucky]

@StEval

just cannot get over how people are skimming over how bloody WEIRD it is that they wanted to hide the birth of their child from a friend of 17 years (!!) because they were basically in a big huff.

Given the Ops behaviour on the thread I read it that they were finally stepping away.
Which sounds pretty sensible to me.

I'm all for stepping away from toxic environments, 100%.

But please, can you explain what exactly this behaviour was that was so bad?

I really don't see how sending a message to say you're a bit hurt, to people you've known for 17 years, is that bad. She states she's checked in throughout the pregnancy, she also mentions how she's spoken to these ppl after this situation too.. so it's not like she just stopped speaking to them because they didn't say happy birthday. But although her friends were replying to her privately, they were then telling others they didn't want her to know about the birth - to me, that's where the toxic behaviour lies. It's two faced, and childish.

I don't agree with the message the OP sent. But sounds to me like she's the least toxic in this situation.

[notanothertakeaway]

This is in no way aimed at you personally but I would say as a general point that a group chat is the absolute worst place to bring up not being happy about something. People feel (understandably imo) defensive when admonished in public

I agree with this from @BrambleRoses

[toastofthetown]

@rarge

How do some of you manage to maintain friendships off your willing to sacrifice a 17 year friendship over something so minor? I do not buy it at all.

What a lot of people are considering is that the birthday text was more likely the straw that broke the camel’s back rather than an isolated event. We only have the OP’s story so obviously everything said is sympathetic to her but to me it seems unlikely that 1) in the context of an otherwise happy friendship one text (however ill judged) would cause a friendship to break to the point that they are hiding the birth of their child and 2) if the friends are the unreasonable ones everyone in the group has splintered with them and not reached out to OP. The both could be true of course, but to me it seems more likely that if the couple were posting this from their perspective it would be a very different thread.

[rarge]

@rarge

I'm not sure the straw that broke the camels back theory is a reasonable conclusion to make. We don't have all the information so let's make up a massive backstory? I'm not sure about that one.

[rarge]

Wait I just tagged myself @toastofthetown
😂

[SoupDragon]

[quote rarge]@rarge

I'm not sure the straw that broke the camels back theory is a reasonable conclusion to make. We don't have all the information so let's make up a massive backstory? I'm not sure about that one. [/quote]
It's not about making up a massive back story, it's about accepting that this might not be the whole story given the strangeness of the reactions all round.

[ShinyHappyPoster]

I don't think they 'hid' the birth. It seems that because of the earlier fall-out, they wanted to control how and when OP was given the information.
And it seems OP hadn't contacted them or checked in with them since birthday-gate because she asked a friend about the induction- not the parents-to-be.

[Lunde]

On the face of it this reads like a high school social media spat with teenagers flouncing right and left over perceived slights.

On the other hand I wonder if the dynamic of the group has been changing in recent months and that you have not been sensitive to that change and this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

In this group you have been the only one with kids. However, other group members were preparing for the birth of a longed for IVF child, during a pandemic and possible last minute complications. They must have been under immense stress but, into this atmosphere, you sort of blundered in and scolded them for the lack of social media likes for your child's birthday, an event that they were not even invited to while they may have been suffering enormous anxiety over their baby. It must have seemed a bit "what about meeeeeeee" and almost like attention seeking sibling jealousy.

[rarge]

@SoupDragon

I'd rather give the op the benefit of the doubt than pile on someone who may not deserve it. Only a few people mentioned the straw/camel. Most were just piling on for the sake of it, it looks like.

[SoupDragon]

[quote rarge]@SoupDragon

I'd rather give the op the benefit of the doubt than pile on someone who may not deserve it. Only a few people mentioned the straw/camel. Most were just piling on for the sake of it, it looks like. [/quote]
The other side deserves the benefit of the doubt too 🤷🏻‍♀️