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Original poster

New parents being too sensitive

299 replies

vicprice88 · 23/01/2022 12:59

I had a very close knit group of friends and I was the only one in the group with children until one of my friends fell pregnant with the baby due in December (same sex couple, friends with both).

Normally I'll mention my children's birthday's coming up but I have no expectation of them as child-free people to do anything beyond mention it in the whatsapp group or pass on good wishes.

This year nobody remarked at all on my DS birthday and a couple of days later I mentioned in the WhatsApp group that I was slightly hurt that nobody said anything. One of the mums to be responded that 'we have more important things on our mind just now' and the group chat is now dead in the water, nobody has posted since then.

I have since individually messaged them and thought things were fine. I had bought some gifts for the baby just as I had seen things I knew they would really like and put them away in the cupboard.

I had an evening out with one of our mutual friends in December and remarked that our friends due date had passed, was there any talk of inducing her? She hesitated and said that she thought there was maybe talk of something and then she panicked and said 'I'm so sorry, he was born last week and they asked me not to tell you'. Mum and baby are both healthy and all went well. Our mutual friend told me his name.

I hesitated slightly over this but wrapped up the gifts and sent them along with a congratulations card in the post (they live quite nearby but it didn't feel right to drop by). A few days after it would have been received, both messaged me thanking me for the lovely gifts and said it was kind of me.

They don't use social media and I haven't seen any photos. A week or so later I asked my friend of 17 years how her partner was getting along post birth and she sent me a message along the lines of 'I can't believe you're trying to pretend everything is normal after you had a tantrum over us forgetting DS birthday. You hardly ever asked after partner during pregnancy and then you send a gift as if everything is fine?".

Things will still be hectic and emotions all over the place for both of them so what is the sensible course of action here?

OP posts:
Grida · 23/01/2022 16:26

It wouldn’t occur to me to remember a friend’s child’s birthday unless I was invited to their birthday party. I would never guess anyone would be upset by this. I would be bound to unconsciously upset you in some other unknown way so I may just decide to drift away from the friendship. Most people don’t like being ticked off, especially when they haven’t done anything wrong.

Ozanj · 23/01/2022 16:34

How old are you all? Seems like this friend probably never cared about your kids while she was the childless but then expected you to consider her when she finally got pregnant. Best thing you can do is drop her. Someone who doesn’t acknowledge your kids is not a good friend - I say this as someone who went through ten years of infertility treatments and muted social media as a result but would still never have cut off my friends’ kids like this. She’s selfish and a drama queen.

GiveMeNovocain · 23/01/2022 16:36

I don't remember my friends' birthdays let alone their kids. I don't expect them to remember mine. If it's a dealbreaker that's fine. They can end the friendship. That's exactly what your message would have done. We wouldn't be friends anymore. I certainly wouldn't want presents or contact after it.

Dentistlakes · 23/01/2022 16:36

Tbh I would move on and not bother contacting them again. They sound like they want to drag this out and make it into more than it is. You sent a gift on good faith and they clearly resent you, so I wouldn’t bother perusing it.

owlsanctuarydate · 23/01/2022 16:37

@vicprice88

I think I've had enough of a response here, I'm clearly the devil incarnate for expression hurt feelings to close friends.

Thank you all for your input but I'd appreciate no more comments on this thread.

Gosh, you really have a thing about dictating what people are and aren't allowed to say, don't you?

Nobody is going to remember your kid's birthday, OP. It's just not something most adults outside the immediate family care much about.

BrambleRoses · 23/01/2022 16:39

Oh come on @owlsanctuarydate, I agree that the OP should not have brought up the forgotten birthday on a group chat but I really totally understand her not wanting forty pages tearing her to shreds!

mediciempire · 23/01/2022 16:41

your first text was silly but it didn't warrant the reaction they've received. they sound like bitches hiding the birth from you when you've been friends for 17 years!

CrimbleCrumble1 · 23/01/2022 16:41

I’d have just posted a message saying you had a nice time at the cinema for your DS’s birthday and then they would have probably messaged back saying happy birthday to your DS. No drama.
A friends DC’s birthday isn’t really a thing.

Nanny0gg · 23/01/2022 16:43

@vicprice88

The purpose was that I was hurt and it's been a close friendship group for a long time where I thought we were able to discuss things like that. We've always been fairly open about issues and it's never been a particularly dramatic or high maintenance group.

As I said, as the only member of the group with children (until now) I expect very little from my friends regarding my kids.

Would you have said that about your DS birthday if you were all out at the pub together?

I wouldn't appreciate a public telling-off.

I've been friends with a couple of people for 35+ years. Unless one our kids was invited to another's birthday we have never commented.

Nanny0gg · 23/01/2022 16:44

@BrambleRoses

Oh come on *@owlsanctuarydate*, I agree that the OP should not have brought up the forgotten birthday on a group chat but I really totally understand her not wanting forty pages tearing her to shreds!
She really needs to learn what happens when you pass comments in 'public' then.
Cubit · 23/01/2022 16:46

Sorry OP but 😬 you sounded a little precious with the message, but with your subsequent posts, I can really see where your friends are coming from.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 23/01/2022 16:50

@MaudieandMe

*You said her posts made the group chat awkward/silent for weeks on end.

Did you ever tell her that her comments upset you or did you just withdraw from communicating with her?

Not being prepared to TALK to the person directly and raising your concerns like grown adults is frankly, being bitchy. It’s the same as giving someone the silent treatment and sulking.*

You really think it would be better for friend, let's call her D, if we all piled on?

D: C, I am really disappointed you gave my ticket to your friend F, I can't stand her. You didn't check with me first.
C: Apologies D, you did say I could give the ticket away.

And then 6 more of us chime in saying that actuall we agree with C? Screenshotting where she'd said "Please let someone else use my ticket?"

Raising individual gripes on group chats is bullying and she actually probably deserved pulling up on it, but I think leaving the people concerned to sort it is more considerate.

And then, of course it's awkward for a while. Someone has to bite the bullet and say "So, how is everyone?".

MissAmbrosia · 23/01/2022 16:51

It was a hugely passive aggressive statement so I can understand why it killed the chat stone dead. Best thing is to apologise for having your head up your own arse and ask if there are new cute baby pics to see.

Ohbedhowimissyou · 23/01/2022 16:51

When they replied with, "all they were going through" could it be that it wasn't just about the physical side of pregnancy but what was going on around them?

Remember, they were due to have a baby right when another strain of Covid had arrived.

They could have been petrified about what that could mean for the labour/hospital stay etc. In December the news was terrifying and included things about midwife shortages due to the new variety and potentially the army having to come in to help!
Giving birth during a pandemic is scary. There have been so many rule changes over the last two years for giving birth. Maybe they were consumed with these worries and then got your message and it seemed like strange timing?

Fhjutftjvddww · 23/01/2022 16:54

First rule - no one else cares about other people’s DC birthdays. I am sorry but that is how it is. I suggest you reset your expectations.

Dochas1211 · 23/01/2022 16:56

I think they’re reaction was over the top but your message was rude and unnecessary. I consider myself a very good friend to my close group. I always remember their birthdays and get thoughtful gifts but I couldn’t tell you when their children birthdays are. Roughly the month but otherwise no. They text in saying X is 2 today or whatever and I say great happy birthday to X/he looks great/hope you had a great day/can’t believe he’s two etc etc.

I think that’s enough effort to make. Unless it’s a special birthday for them down the line (16th/18th)

LovedayCL · 23/01/2022 16:57

I think it sounds like you’re all being over sensitive. However, when I’ve had friends that send messages like the one about the birthday, it made me feel really anxious and as though I’m not up to their definition of friendship standard, eventually I start feeling as though that friendship is an ‘unexploded bomb.’ Basically I know that the person isn’t thinking the best of me and our friendship, but rather looking for where, based on their values, I’ve been substandard. They assume they’re being a ‘good friend’ based on their arbitrary values but mine are irrelevant. I don’t care if someone forgets my child’s birthday or doesn’t phone within a set time, that’s not how I measure relationships. They’re usually people who like to proactively describe themselves as ‘good friends’ and not consider how other people then feel.

In the past I would have been really careful with friends like that, always making sure I did the things that mattered to them, regular contact, checking in on important dates, organising things. But there’s little joy in that for me. It’s basically minding the bomb carefully.

These days I just let the bomb explode, I was always going to be deemed substandard at some point and so neither of our needs were being met.

diddl · 23/01/2022 16:57

@MissAmbrosia

It was a hugely passive aggressive statement so I can understand why it killed the chat stone dead. Best thing is to apologise for having your head up your own arse and ask if there are new cute baby pics to see.
I'm not sure that the new parents are interested in being friends any more.

That said, Op, did you ever apologise for your ridiculousness about your kid's bday?

LovedayCL · 23/01/2022 16:58

Basically, if someone describes themselves as a ‘good friend’, I run for the hills now Grin

Tsuni · 23/01/2022 16:58

Bit grabby of them to only remember they were upset at you AFTER you’d bought them gifts.

ivykaty44 · 23/01/2022 16:59

You hardly ever asked after partner during pregnancy and then you send a gift as if everything is fine

pot kettle

so its not ok for you to mention that no on said about ds birthday, but they feel its ok to mention your lack of messages after they rebuffed you with they have more important things on their minds than a Childs birthday...

sound as if they are very self centred - do you really want to be friends with them?

Thhhhheeeeelong · 23/01/2022 17:00

I think you being upset about no one mentioning your child birthday is a bit much to be honest. I would think my friends are bonkers if they did this to me especially while I'm preparing for my own child's arrival. I think you need to acknowledge that you made a bad call and apologise for being a bit precious.

pizz · 23/01/2022 17:06

You're friends sound mean, they really could've just said they're bust rather than ' more important things', plus not mentioning the birth, THEN having the nerve to be rude after receiving a gift?

YANBU!!

Tsuni · 23/01/2022 17:06

@vicprice88

I think I've had enough of a response here, I'm clearly the devil incarnate for expression hurt feelings to close friends.

Thank you all for your input but I'd appreciate no more comments on this thread.

Good grief, grow up. Not every comment is a character assassination. Plenty of people gave you honest feedback or suggestions. This is very controlling and immature of you.
BABAHOTEL · 23/01/2022 17:07

@Tsuni

Bit grabby of them to only remember they were upset at you AFTER you’d bought them gifts.
They'd asked people to not tell the OP that the baby was born, they were upset long before they received the gifts.