New parents being too sensitive

[vicprice88]

I had a very close knit group of friends and I was the only one in the group with children until one of my friends fell pregnant with the baby due in December (same sex couple, friends with both).

Normally I'll mention my children's birthday's coming up but I have no expectation of them as child-free people to do anything beyond mention it in the whatsapp group or pass on good wishes.

This year nobody remarked at all on my DS birthday and a couple of days later I mentioned in the WhatsApp group that I was slightly hurt that nobody said anything. One of the mums to be responded that 'we have more important things on our mind just now' and the group chat is now dead in the water, nobody has posted since then.

I have since individually messaged them and thought things were fine. I had bought some gifts for the baby just as I had seen things I knew they would really like and put them away in the cupboard.

I had an evening out with one of our mutual friends in December and remarked that our friends due date had passed, was there any talk of inducing her? She hesitated and said that she thought there was maybe talk of something and then she panicked and said 'I'm so sorry, he was born last week and they asked me not to tell you'. Mum and baby are both healthy and all went well. Our mutual friend told me his name.

I hesitated slightly over this but wrapped up the gifts and sent them along with a congratulations card in the post (they live quite nearby but it didn't feel right to drop by). A few days after it would have been received, both messaged me thanking me for the lovely gifts and said it was kind of me.

They don't use social media and I haven't seen any photos. A week or so later I asked my friend of 17 years how her partner was getting along post birth and she sent me a message along the lines of 'I can't believe you're trying to pretend everything is normal after you had a tantrum over us forgetting DS birthday. You hardly ever asked after partner during pregnancy and then you send a gift as if everything is fine?".

Things will still be hectic and emotions all over the place for both of them so what is the sensible course of action here?

[rarge]

It really doesn't. Potentially upsetting someone for no reason? It's like the troll hunting thing- it's an anonymous forum, you're never going to have full knowledge. It's really not worth it.

[ChiefWiggumsBoy]

So according to a lot of people, the best course of action when someone says they’re a bit upset about something, is not to apologise and just say you forgot or something (in a close group of friends!), it’s to leave a snippy comment, cut off that person and clearly start an new group chat. Then when the only person in this group who is behaving like an adult contacts you, you have a go at that person, throwing untrue accusations at them?!

They have behaved spitefully and the rest of @vicprice88 friends have as well, as they’re clearly not sticking up for her.

What an absolute storm in a teacup to start this off. Grown adults acting like petty children.

YANBU to feel incredibly hurt by this. I hope your friends settle down once the baby is a bit older and reflect somewhat on their behaviour.

[aSofaNearYou]

So according to a lot of people, the best course of action when someone says they’re a bit upset about something, is not to apologise and just say you forgot or something (in a close group of friends!), it’s to leave a snippy comment, cut off that person and clearly start an new group chat. Then when the only person in this group who is behaving like an adult contacts you, you have a go at that person, throwing untrue accusations at them?!

Hmm I don't think it's reasonable to cut them off and start a campaign about it, but I also don't think it's unreasonable to not apologise and say you forgot and to be miffed about OPs message. I think many would find it distasteful.

[ChiefWiggumsBoy]

This goes a long way past ‘miffed’ come on.

In a group of close friends, you wouldn’t just say something like “oh god I’m so sorry I completely forgot - glad you had a nice time together”? It didn’t have to be more than that, and they could have included their own rebuke in there about having more important stuff to think about.

Surely an adult, with a good friend, if they find a comment like OP’s ‘distasteful’ wouldn’t essentially cut that person out?! One does not equate to the other IMO.

[aSofaNearYou]

@ChiefWiggumsBoy

This goes a long way past ‘miffed’ come on.

In a group of close friends, you wouldn’t just say something like “oh god I’m so sorry I completely forgot - glad you had a nice time together”? It didn’t have to be more than that, and they could have included their own rebuke in there about having more important stuff to think about.

Surely an adult, with a good friend, if they find a comment like OP’s ‘distasteful’ wouldn’t essentially cut that person out?! One does not equate to the other IMO.

Look I'm not disagreeing with you. But it's not all or nothing. I don't think their reaction was proportional but I also think they were within their rights to be annoyed by OPs comment and to not apologise profusely to her for forgetting.

I'm not excusing their overreaction, I never have.

[Sportslady44]

YOUR OWN FAULT.
lesson 1 never moan on a group or facebook where it can be taken the wrong way and there is no voice to voice contact or emotion.

Talk to people.

Lesson 2. Dont moan and pick holes in people anyway because once you go down that road it will affect the frienship.

Once you start picking people up on stuff they do it back to you now you are finding out.

Keep quiet it dosent matter about your sons birthday in the grand scheme of things and now you are in a mess and having to ask everyones opinions on a forum. Was it worth it.

[ddl1]

On further reflection:

(1) I would guess that what originally happened is that the OP was messaging everyone in the group with a general complaint about everyone, and that the friend misinterpreted it as that the OP was reproaching her personally and copying in everyone else, and that is why she was so upset.

(2) How trustworthy is the mutual friend? It occurs to me that maybe she is making mischief between the OP and the new mother, and whipping each of them up against the other. For example, maybe the new mother asked the mutual friend not to tell anyone else in the WhatsApp group at that time , and that the mutual friend presented this to the OP as specific to her. She might also have invented or exaggerated something that the OP said about the new mother, and passed in on to her, which might explain the latter's delayed outburst. I may be utterly wrong, but such things do happen.

[Lavender24]

I wouldn't have bothered bringing it up that no one mentioned your DC's birthday. I only remember my friends' kids' birthdays because they post about it on fb.

However their reaction is way OTT and I think they've been quite horrible. And deliberately asking a mutual friend not to tell you their baby has been born is nute. Were they going to pretend she was still pregnant forever? I'd have a think about whether you even still want to be friends.

[Holskey]

@rarge and others who are confused about the negative impressions posters have formed of the OP, the OP's final post spoke volumes to me:

I think I've had enough of a response here, I'm clearly the devil incarnate for expression hurt feelings to close friends.

Thank you all for your input but I'd appreciate no more comments on this thread.

Exaggerated, self-pitying, juvenile, passive aggressive. When you try to make sense of what might have gone wrong, it's easy to add this to the original message (which admonished everyone in the group for what to them and many here is not an offence) and conclude that OP is probably high maintenance. That would better explain the friends cutting her off in such a seemingly OTT way.

[rarge]

[quote Holskey]@rarge and others who are confused about the negative impressions posters have formed of the OP, the OP's final post spoke volumes to me:

I think I've had enough of a response here, I'm clearly the devil incarnate for expression hurt feelings to close friends.

Thank you all for your input but I'd appreciate no more comments on this thread.

Exaggerated, self-pitying, juvenile, passive aggressive. When you try to make sense of what might have gone wrong, it's easy to add this to the original message (which admonished everyone in the group for what to them and many here is not an offence) and conclude that OP is probably high maintenance. That would better explain the friends cutting her off in such a seemingly OTT way.[/quote]

I think given some of the OTT responses to the op, it's fair that she wouldn't come back and may even be upset. Very easy for some to talk behind the anonymity of the internet but they wouldn't respond the op like this in real life.

Let's remember, yes, op exaggerated and nobody said 'devil incarnate' but she's not insulted or actually been rude to anyone. So what?

[saraclara]

Yes, the friend hiding the birth of her baby from OP and making the other friends complicit, is pretty shitty stuff.

But the reason that this thread has gone wrong for OP, is there in the title. New parents being over-sensitive when her message, which started this all off was massively over-sensitive.

Where a pot calls the kettle black, it's not going to get a lot of sympathy.

[YukoandHiro]

God, who has got the time or energy to remember anyone else's child's birthday? You're being unreasonable about that OP. But they have behaved very oddly in return too. Either there's something you don't know about going on (child or parent illness or something) or you're a ridiculously high maintenance group of friends

[tiktokontheclock]

In the nicest way, I really wouldn't care if someone forgot my DD's bday. She's my DD, not theirs! Similarly, they're behaving oddly.

[LovedayCL]

@FranklyMyBeer

It's sometimes hard to accept that your children really don't mean as much to.anyone else as they do to you.

I actually (genuinely) think this is an illuminating remark.

Firstly, your children won’t mean as much to other people as you, that’s entirely expected. But - conflating birthday wishes with caring might be an issue. Some people will show they care in that way, but others will not, and I don’t think it’s directly correlated to how much they care.

I do try to make an effort with these things for people that do value it, but as I commented earlier, I’m careful with it. If I’m going to be judged on it when I don’t, vs just something that’s makes them feel nice (based on their values) when I do then we’re not compatible as friends. Then I’m back to ‘minding the bomb’, and I’m not good at that. It always explodes and usually takes a whole friendship group with it.

[Spooked102]

I wouldn’t have sent the gifts they sound like arseholes could have easily been cleared up with a sorry been very busy hope he had a lovely birthday

[Somethingsnappy]

Although I can see why your comment may have irritated your friends, their reaction is ridiculous! Hard to fathom it. I'd rethink that friendship.

[Whatiswrongwithmyknee]

My friends and I barely every remember each other's kids birthdays and that is not a problem for anyone. As you get more and more kids in your friendship group it would be a task and a half to send a whatsapp message to every single person when their child has a birthday. I think this is an odd expectation TBH.

But more importantly - whatsapp or any other snippet communication is absolutely never, ever the place to discuss a grievance and to do so makes you look highly passive aggressive (whether that is true or not). I think this might be the last straw tbh and I think perhaps you have wanted to discuss other 'failings' via whatsapp? Is that the reason for such a strong reaction from your friends?

[Whatiswrongwithmyknee]

I'd not have apologised btw if I was your friend as to do so would set up an expectation that for the rest of time I will text you when any of your children have a birthday and I am absolutely not willing to do that.

[ManicPixie]

'went to the new cinema in town to see the new Disney film for DS birthday on Thursday- highly recommend both the film and the cinema! I know everyone has a lot on just now but I'm a wee bit hurt that nobody remembered to pass on birthday wishes this year'


Bit silly to write that. No-one’s obliged to remember a friend’s child’s birthday and you immediately put them on the back foot.

[ddl1]

But - conflating birthday wishes with caring might be an issue. Some people will show they care in that way, but others will not, and I don’t think it’s directly correlated to how much they care.

I agree on that. Especially if one is not in the sort of relationship with the children where one might expect to give them presents or attend their parties or at least send cards, and the concern is about acknowledging the children's birthday to the parents.

The best sort of caring is IMO shown all year round, not on a birthday specifically,

[LovedayCL]

I agree @ddl1 and I think, even if not intentional, judging how good a friend is, based on this type of thing, can sometimes be, or construed to be, about the person doing the judging’s perception of themselves as a ‘good friend.’ Meaning ‘I do all these tasks because I’m a good friend and people do these tasks for men because I’m a good friend’ - and when that doesn’t happen or can upset that perception.

[LovedayCL]

for me not for men!

[Vloggamamma]

@Spooked102

I wouldn’t have sent the gifts they sound like arseholes could have easily been cleared up with a sorry been very busy hope he had a lovely birthday

Totally agree - they sound so self involved."We have other things on our mind" and then hushing up the baby's birth. I'm sorry but I would let them to it - they seem to be getting some kind of a kick out of being bitchy to you and by the sounds of it they've been bitching to your mutual friends if they were sworn to secrecy about the birth. Time for a new group. Join other mom and baby groups etc. People change, people move on , it's just life IMHO. I had a good friend that I met in Uni - we;d been on holidays etc. The last holiday we were on she just dropped me afterwards never visited me again or contacted me. I tried to keep in touch and then said sod it I don't need to chase after this friendship if you could call it that after the way she left it. Onwards and upwards my dear I say.

[KPS13]

@vicprice88 I'm stunned at some of the comments here!

I understand that we're only getting one version of events but from what I've read, I feel like you're being bullied for saying you felt upset they hadn't wished your child a happy birthday.

I'm in a similar friendship group and we know on a child's birthday you remember and say happy birthday! Doesn't have to be gifts with bells and whistles but just a gesture to acknowledge their special day. It's kind, respectful and takes less than a second.

I agree with other comments - I do think they have started a WhatsApp group without you.

I also think telling other people not to tell you they'd had a baby is really a step below the mark. Unforgivable in fact. You'll never be able to get that time back or that special moment which is really sad.

I think you've held yourself very well in this situation - you'd said your piece, you've considered it may have been wrong timing and after everything you still followed up with a gift. You were the ADULT in this situation. I'd now take a step back now and let them make the next move as whatever you do now will likely cause friction - especially with hormones running high. Unfortunately you're in a situation where you can't win so let them make the move

I can't help but wonder if they'd already speculated that your nose might be pushed out of joint when another in the group conceived? And when you reacted maybe that was all the ammo they needed?