New parents being too sensitive

[vicprice88]

I had a very close knit group of friends and I was the only one in the group with children until one of my friends fell pregnant with the baby due in December (same sex couple, friends with both).

Normally I'll mention my children's birthday's coming up but I have no expectation of them as child-free people to do anything beyond mention it in the whatsapp group or pass on good wishes.

This year nobody remarked at all on my DS birthday and a couple of days later I mentioned in the WhatsApp group that I was slightly hurt that nobody said anything. One of the mums to be responded that 'we have more important things on our mind just now' and the group chat is now dead in the water, nobody has posted since then.

I have since individually messaged them and thought things were fine. I had bought some gifts for the baby just as I had seen things I knew they would really like and put them away in the cupboard.

I had an evening out with one of our mutual friends in December and remarked that our friends due date had passed, was there any talk of inducing her? She hesitated and said that she thought there was maybe talk of something and then she panicked and said 'I'm so sorry, he was born last week and they asked me not to tell you'. Mum and baby are both healthy and all went well. Our mutual friend told me his name.

I hesitated slightly over this but wrapped up the gifts and sent them along with a congratulations card in the post (they live quite nearby but it didn't feel right to drop by). A few days after it would have been received, both messaged me thanking me for the lovely gifts and said it was kind of me.

They don't use social media and I haven't seen any photos. A week or so later I asked my friend of 17 years how her partner was getting along post birth and she sent me a message along the lines of 'I can't believe you're trying to pretend everything is normal after you had a tantrum over us forgetting DS birthday. You hardly ever asked after partner during pregnancy and then you send a gift as if everything is fine?".

Things will still be hectic and emotions all over the place for both of them so what is the sensible course of action here?

[RoseGoldEagle]

Agree with others that it sounds like there was something else going on with the pregnancy or with her partner maybe. Presumably you didn’t know about anything- but I think it’s always a good idea to be careful before criticising other people for what you perceive as not making enough effort (in this case not acknowledging your DS’s birthday), as it’s possible you’ve done similar in their eyes (maybe she felt you hadn’t asked enough about her pregnancy, and she might have felt that was thoughtless, it’s hard to know.)

Honestly, I have friends that sometimes remember my kids birthdays and sometimes don’t, but they’re brilliant friends and I know they have a lot going on in their lives, I just wouldn’t dream of making a thing out of them forgetting.

[Cocomarine]

Honestly, I’d have rolled my eyes at that message! Somebody else’s child’s birthday… I care about my friends, but I don’t remember all the birthdays and I’m certainly not putting them in a diary somewhere as yet another thing to do. I’d have thought you were a bit precious to use a group text for that. I certainly wouldn’t have held any grudge over it! But I would have thought that you were a bit wrapped up in your world on that one.

[Flocon]

It's like something my manager would say when we've forgotten to do something minor becuase we have a really heavy workload on. It sounds like you're telling them off.

If you'd not said anything you probably would have got some "oh hope he had a nice day" or something like that.

[vicprice88]

The purpose was that I was hurt and it's been a close friendship group for a long time where I thought we were able to discuss things like that. We've always been fairly open about issues and it's never been a particularly dramatic or high maintenance group.

As I said, as the only member of the group with children (until now) I expect very little from my friends regarding my kids.

[PearPickingPorky]

I think k you're all a bit sensitive and almost waiting for one another to 'trip up'.

[FFSFFSFFS]

Are you including yourself in the parents being too sensitive in your title??

Because you should….I would be very annoyed at being told off for not remembering someone’s son’s birthday

[Cocomarine]

For context - even my siblings send, “shit - it was X’s birthday last week wasn’t it?! Happy belated birthday from a shit aunt ☺️“. Nobody cares. How much we care about each other and our respective children isn’t measured that way.

[Pegasussnail]

I don't really get it but it sounds like they don't want you involved in their life.
Is there more that happened before the birthday message?

[Flocon]

As I said, as the only member of the group with children (until now) I expect very little from my friends regarding my kids. expecting someone to send birthday wishes for son for you to pass on is a bit much to expect tbh

[Elasmotherium]

OP you started this with your passive aggressive message about your DCs birthday.

There's obviously much more to your behaviour since one of this group of supposedly close friends actively didn't want you to know she had given birth!

Perhaps a bit of self reflection might be in order?

[Cocomarine]

You know if you hadn’t ticked them off, probably there’d have been:

• ooooh hope you had a lovely time!
  
• can’t believe he’s 7 already!
  
• oh I’m useless, I totally forgot, sorry!
  

We all have enough bother in our lives without being told off by friends.

[Barbie222]

There's no way I would have solicited birthday wishes for my children on a group chat. I can't see how that message you've quoted could have gone down well in any way! I think you come across as difficult and needy, sorry. I imagine they've moved the chat away from you on the back of it all

[Catflapkitkat]

Talk about an over reaction, it does sound odd and what's with dragging other people into - telling people not to tell you their baby has arrived. You made a comment and THEY had the tantrum.

I would step back now - they are going to be those parents who have it harder, their child is more precious than anyone else. You may get a royal summons for the new king's first birthday, just bide your time.

[vicprice88]

@Pegasussnail

I don't really get it but it sounds like they don't want you involved in their life.
Is there more that happened before the birthday message?

No, absolutely nothing on my side.

I'm willing to accept that I was being sensitive about my DS birthday but I tend to be hyper organised and have a birthday diary to make sure I keep track of everyone- I think it's nice to be thought of. I realise not everyone is the same.

[Poptart4]

There has to be something more to this, maybe something your not aware of? Their reaction is extremely over the top otherwise. I mean not wanting you to know the baby had been born is ridiculous.

Could you ask your mutual friends if they know anything?

Also since the whatsapp group has gone dead, I'd be wondering if they set up a new one without you.

[Nidan2Sandan]

I would have found you sending that message incredibly rude and condescending.

It's not their responsibility to remember your kids birthdays. I dont expect it from any of my friends.

You have a serious amount of grovelling to do if you want to save this friendship. I suggest you start indulging in some humble pie and apologise for coming across as rude.

[girlmom21]

@vicprice88

The purpose was that I was hurt and it's been a close friendship group for a long time where I thought we were able to discuss things like that. We've always been fairly open about issues and it's never been a particularly dramatic or high maintenance group.

As I said, as the only member of the group with children (until now) I expect very little from my friends regarding my kids.

And now they're hurt but you're saying you're right to be hurt and they're wrong.

Their child is as important to them as yours is to you and they're upset by your lack of interest.

It's exactly the same

[guardiansofthegalaxychocs]

Realistically I have incredibly close friends who I don’t know when their children’s birthdays are and vice versa. If I message to say what we were up to they would send best wishes via message and that’s the max.

The only people who I expect to remember (but certainly wouldn’t complain to them off when they have sometimes forgotten!) are godparents.

However, they also were OTT. I would have been narked but just apologised and got over it quietly if I got your message.

There’s fault on both sides here.

[Flocon]

@Cocomarine

You know if you hadn’t ticked them off, probably there’d have been:

• ooooh hope you had a lovely time!
• can’t believe he’s 7 already!
• oh I’m useless, I totally forgot, sorry!

We all have enough bother in our lives without being told off by friends.

I agree. These aren't missbehaved children or employees they are your so called friends.

[vicprice88]

@Catflapkitkat

Talk about an over reaction, it does sound odd and what's with dragging other people into - telling people not to tell you their baby has arrived. You made a comment and THEY had the tantrum.

I would step back now - they are going to be those parents who have it harder, their child is more precious than anyone else. You may get a royal summons for the new king's first birthday, just bide your time.

Well this is the thing. It feels like a bit of a double standard for them to expect me to check in often on the progress of their unborn child (which I did!) and never mention my existing ones.

[HollowTalk]

I think you could have said you'd been to the cinema for his birthday and then they would presumably have wished him a happy birthday.

I'm sorry but I think they have another WhatsApp group.

The women with the baby need to be filling their heads with kind and lovely thoughts right now rather than feeling spiteful and angry.

[Flocon]

I'm willing to accept that I was being sensitive about my DS birthday but I tend to be hyper organised and have a birthday diary to make sure I keep track of everyone- I think it's nice to be thought of. I realise not everyone is the same. right and if for some reason you forgot or missed someone off would you expect to be told off for it

[vicprice88]

@HollowTalk

I think you could have said you'd been to the cinema for his birthday and then they would presumably have wished him a happy birthday.

I'm sorry but I think they have another WhatsApp group.

The women with the baby need to be filling their heads with kind and lovely thoughts right now rather than feeling spiteful and angry.

Well this is the thing, I thought we had moved past it. I sent them congratulations, they both send back polite and kind messages and then a couple of weeks later one of them just snapped.

[Caughtavibe]

I know everyone has a lot on just now but I'm a wee bit hurt that nobody remembered to pass on birthday wishes this year

I was incredibly hurt that 4 friends forgot my birthday, two years on I still feel miffed but I wouldn’t ever dream of bringing it up. People have other stuff going on in their lives all the time, I always make sure to mention peoples birthdays & send wishes, other people don’t always find that sort of stuff important.

For DC I would have just said ‘Freddie had a great birthday, we went to X and had a lovely day”. They would probably have replied ‘glad x had a good birthday’. Your child is your whole world. Close friends won’t necessarily feel the importance tbh.

[Goldbar]

I think YABU for being upset that they forgot your DC's birthday, but they're being unreasonable to make such a big thing of it.

This is a 'pressure moment' in your friendship. You can either let these friendships go or try to save them. Friendships survive pressure moments because both sides are willing to take a step back and admit that what has happened is not that significant in the scheme of many years of friendship, i.e. allow what has happened to be water under the bridge.

You can't solve this by yourself but you can create a situation where they can meet you halfway. I would post something like this: 'Hi all, I just wanted to apologise for being oversensitive about DC's birthday as I understand that some of you have been hurt by this... I was feeling a bit down at the time but I've realised that I was being a bit self-centred. Have given my head a shake and hoping you can get past this as I'd love to see pictures of the gorgeous new babies if you feel comfortable posting some here (and hoping to meet them in person at some point of course).'