New parents being too sensitive

[vicprice88]

I had a very close knit group of friends and I was the only one in the group with children until one of my friends fell pregnant with the baby due in December (same sex couple, friends with both).

Normally I'll mention my children's birthday's coming up but I have no expectation of them as child-free people to do anything beyond mention it in the whatsapp group or pass on good wishes.

This year nobody remarked at all on my DS birthday and a couple of days later I mentioned in the WhatsApp group that I was slightly hurt that nobody said anything. One of the mums to be responded that 'we have more important things on our mind just now' and the group chat is now dead in the water, nobody has posted since then.

I have since individually messaged them and thought things were fine. I had bought some gifts for the baby just as I had seen things I knew they would really like and put them away in the cupboard.

I had an evening out with one of our mutual friends in December and remarked that our friends due date had passed, was there any talk of inducing her? She hesitated and said that she thought there was maybe talk of something and then she panicked and said 'I'm so sorry, he was born last week and they asked me not to tell you'. Mum and baby are both healthy and all went well. Our mutual friend told me his name.

I hesitated slightly over this but wrapped up the gifts and sent them along with a congratulations card in the post (they live quite nearby but it didn't feel right to drop by). A few days after it would have been received, both messaged me thanking me for the lovely gifts and said it was kind of me.

They don't use social media and I haven't seen any photos. A week or so later I asked my friend of 17 years how her partner was getting along post birth and she sent me a message along the lines of 'I can't believe you're trying to pretend everything is normal after you had a tantrum over us forgetting DS birthday. You hardly ever asked after partner during pregnancy and then you send a gift as if everything is fine?".

Things will still be hectic and emotions all over the place for both of them so what is the sensible course of action here?

I wouldn’t expect any of my friends to remember my children’s birthdays, it would be just too much because I’d then have to remember their birthdays. You might be the only one in this friendship to have had children until recently, but these women are probably in other friendship groups where some have children. It’s just too much of a mental load to be expected to remember a list of birthdays.

It’s hard enough to remember the niece/nephew birthdays, which you sort of are ‘obliged’ to remember.

If someone had told me that they were hurt I hadn’t remembered their child’s birthday I would have eye rolled and thought them to be ridiculous.

I think your initial message re the birthday was a little uncalled for but the crime doesn't fit the punishment.

They're being really quite nasty. Don't go grovelling.

I think @Goldbar’s message was very well worded, and if I were you, @vicprice88, I’d send something along those lines, if you want to salvage the friendships.

It is pretty clear that you weren’t being deliberately hurtful with your message to the group, about your son’s birthday, but it’s equally clear that it has caused some serious hurt feelings, so an apology from you seems warranted, to me. It was accidental, but what matters now is how you tackle it.

How old is your DS? Unless it was your pfb’s first birthday or they are very very close to your DC I wouldn’t expect friends to spontaneously send out birthday wishes to DC. It sounds like you put an unreasonable or unusual importance on birthdays (Eg: having a birthday diary) and you say you get that other people won’t feel the same but then sent an extremely passive aggressive post to pull your friends up on it. That doesn’t sound at all like you do accept not everybody is the same as you.

This year has been crazy with covid etc, lots of people are struggling to stay on top of organising their own lives and days have blurred into one another far more than in other years. It’s understandable that remembering the birthday of a friends DC isn’t going to be high up on peoples priority list among all the other things vying for peoples headspace and attention.

It sounds to me like there is a backstory here that maybe you’re not aware of and that your friends feel like there is a history of you ignoring their needs but then calling them out for minor infractions. If you are self-centred it stands to reason you would be oblivious to this fact but I think in your shoes I would step back and reflect on your own behaviour and the standards you put upon your friends and try and work out where it’s gone wrong.

Your friends with the new baby seem to be making a drama out of a small message on whatsapp. However, I wouldn't have mentioned I was slightly hurt at no on e mentioning your DC's birthday - to me it would seem strange to expect them to remember the birthday if you don't usually do anything together to celebrate it.

Perhaps use this juncture to re-assess what you want from the friendships and if you want to disconnect then do so, but if you want to remain friends then perhaps a softer message saying you were just slightly disappointed but didn't expect to upset everyone. (You don't say what message you sent exactly so hard to advise on content).

"I'm a wee bit hurt that nobody remembered to pass on birthday wishes this year"

I would have rolled my eyes at that, and thought the less if you. Seriously, that's so needy and pathetic, and was never ever going to be well received, especially in a group chat.

Had you left it at telling them about what you did for his birthday, you'd probably have got genuine apologies and birthday wishes. But then you put them on the back foot and they got defensive.

I honestly can't get my head round the kind of thinking that makes someone call out friends on really minor things. I've never come across it in any of my friendship or work groups, thank goodness.
All relationships have their bumps in the road, and we all get it wrong sometimes. But sensible people feel a bit meh for an hours and then carry on regardless.

I agree that you made a fuss about nothing when it came to your child's birthday.

However, if that's the only thing that has upset your group then they are being very over dramatic. It's all pretty spiteful. They've all stopped using your group chat, so clearly are chatting elsewhere. They all participated in keeping the new baby a secret from you (which in itself is dramatic). It screams of playground behaviour.

If you have reflected on your behaviour and really genuinely cannot think of any times you may have upset them all then cut your losses. They aren't friends.

If you do reflect and perhaps realise you have been upsetting them without realising, I would send a message saying you would really like to repair the friendship and speak face to face when they are up to it. Then leave it there.

The situation sucks, especially that your other friends seem to have been sucked in as well.

@Dishwashersaurous

For them to have created a new group chat without you. Which is what has probably happened I wonder if there had been other things before where you had upset people.

Why don't you message on the group and suggest a collective meet up. Then you will know what everyone thinks

I was reluctant to suggest a meet when their child is so little. If its anything like when mine were newborn I couldn't think of much worse than a social gathering back then!

I never offered parenting advice. My pregnant friend doesn't have any other friends with children and occasionally asked me things about morning sickness etc so I told her I was happy to give my experiences if she had any questions (though I am aware every person and pregnancy is different)

Your message was totally nuts in my opinion. I have many friends and none of us remember kids birthdays. Even long long friendships.

I think a couple about to gave their first baby presumably after fertility treatment will just ge obsessing about thst and are also older reacting

Don't let this ruin a good friendship. Your friends were nervous before the birth and you pissed them off at a sensitive moment

I think I've had enough of a response here, I'm clearly the devil incarnate for expression hurt feelings to close friends.

Thank you all for your input but I'd appreciate no more comments on this thread.

I just think you can’t move on with the friendship without acknowledging the message you sent, whether you regret sending the message or not

I think you’re facing an uphill battle because it seems like they’ve already cut you out of their lives and have moved on. So you’re fighting a losing battle here.

I do think it’s hurtful that they’ve cut you off over this, but again it begs the question if you have done similar things in the past and if this was the final straw for them etc

I know you say you haven’t met due to Xmas and the birth, but the reality could be that the rest of them have seen each other without including you

It was hardly a tantrum, that message was very restrained.

I think they're overreacting but they're also pretty strung out and hormonal and tired and stressed and it was pretty shitty to complain that they'd forgot your sons birthday. I only know friends kids birthdays from Facebook and would just comment "happy birthday" on their Facebook post about said birthday.
I imagine they were stressed and it's kinda the cherry on top of the cake when someone makes a little dig like that. Maybe let them settle in a bit and apologise and ask to move on?
Although as others have mentioned, we don't know the full story, they could all be horrible or you could be a whinging pain in the arse. I don't think directly offering advice because you've had kids is particularly smooth either if that's how you phrased it tbh.

For what it's worth, although I celebrate my friends' birthdays, I honestly couldn't care less about their kids birthdays and don't send any greeting or even acknowledge the day. I'm close to my friends, not to their kids, so I'd say your comment on that situation was unnecessary and unwelcome. But the new-parent couple have really overreacted and taken it personally.
You say this was a group of friends, not just you and the couple - what have the other friends said, has no one else kept the group chat going? If your one birthday comment killed the group chat dead then I'd say there's a lot more behind this, perhaps the group was not feeling as close as you've thought it was. Unless anyone can explain what else has gone wrong then you're stuck. All you can do is apologise, make an effort with each friend individually, but if you get nothing back then give it up and move on.

They’re probably not interested in being friends with you anymore. I certainly wouldn’t want to be friends with someone needy and high maintenance enough to send that birthday message.

@vicprice88

I think I've had enough of a response here, I'm clearly the devil incarnate for expression hurt feelings to close friends.

Thank you all for your input but I'd appreciate no more comments on this thread.

OP, I understand that you're feeling attacked and hurt, but what it comes down to is whether you want to salvage these friendships or not.

You've been a bit touchy, they've been a bit touchy, and someone needs to put their pride aside and make the first move if you want to move on. Or you decide it's too much hassle and walk away.

Whilst I agree their reaction is a bit OTT, I wouldn’t expect any of my friends to remember my child’s birthday- it’s hard enough remembering my actual friends’ birthdays let alone their children’s as well!

Your child is your whole world (rightly so) but is not the centre of anyone else’s! Next time, don’t take it personally.

If you want to keep the friendship, just apologize and see if it all shakes out. They were probably a bit frazzled at the time and didn't appreciate feeling like another thing had been put on their shoulders.

Sometimes my family members don't acknowledge DC's birthdays. I rarely acknowledge their anniversaries. In my book, absolutely needing to remember to mark children's birthdays is for parents and grandparents. For anyone else it's a bonus.

What I'd have done is make a point of "forgetting" to mention their kids birthdays next time they came around, but I'm a petty person.

@vicprice88

I think I've had enough of a response here, I'm clearly the devil incarnate for expression hurt feelings to close friends.

Thank you all for your input but I'd appreciate no more comments on this thread.

I'm guessing this isn't the first incident with these friends is this is how you respond when someone disagrees?

I'm with you, OP. I'd be really upset if my friends didn't wish my DD's happy birthday. I held a party for my eldest in December, but one of my oldest and closest friends said she couldn't make it because it was NYE and she was planning to start drinking from midday. That really upset me. I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to bring it up with your friends, a testament to how close your friendship is.

Them not telling you about the birth of their child, and more specifically, asking your mutual friend not to tell you. What the actual fuck! Massive overreaction on their behalf. I'd say that's a friendship-destroying offence. Holy crap. I'm sorry.

@Cocomarine

You know if you hadn’t ticked them off, probably there’d have been:

• ooooh hope you had a lovely time!
• can’t believe he’s 7 already!
• oh I’m useless, I totally forgot, sorry!

We all have enough bother in our lives without being told off by friends.

Exactly this

Often times when we feel upset or annoyed with others it is revealing unmet emotional needs of ours. Other people hold the mirror up to our inner most selves.

When we have emotional reactions to a person or situation it can be easy to look for blame and have an outward focus. Our reactions are often habitual and rooted in coping mechanisms we learned in childhood. For example, if you have issues around feeling that ‘i don’t matter to you’, any hint of disinterest can trigger you and send you back to an unhealed part of yourself. When you feel triggered - be curious of your needs, not dismissive of your needs. What was that feeling of hurt telling you? Likely that you feel undervalued in some way and the small incident of a forgotten birthday has triggered emotions bigger than the event itself.

Ultimately safe relationships can tolerate misunderstandings and disagreements.

I can understand why friends not remembering DS bday would sting as he is the centre of your world but I would try and approach relationships with acceptance.

Wishing you well x

No one cares about the birthdays of other people's children. No one.

They don't sound like particularly good friends. My friends all said happy birthday to my dog last week even they have a lot of personal stuff going on. It's not hard to send a text.

@Flocon

I know everyone has a lot on just now but I'm a wee bit hurt that nobody remembered to pass on birthday wishes this year' I wouldn't be happy getting that tbh.

What did you want this to achieve?

I'd have rolled my eyes & thought what a bloody prat you were & did I really want to bother with you any more?