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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New parents being too sensitive

299 replies

vicprice88 · 23/01/2022 12:59

I had a very close knit group of friends and I was the only one in the group with children until one of my friends fell pregnant with the baby due in December (same sex couple, friends with both).

Normally I'll mention my children's birthday's coming up but I have no expectation of them as child-free people to do anything beyond mention it in the whatsapp group or pass on good wishes.

This year nobody remarked at all on my DS birthday and a couple of days later I mentioned in the WhatsApp group that I was slightly hurt that nobody said anything. One of the mums to be responded that 'we have more important things on our mind just now' and the group chat is now dead in the water, nobody has posted since then.

I have since individually messaged them and thought things were fine. I had bought some gifts for the baby just as I had seen things I knew they would really like and put them away in the cupboard.

I had an evening out with one of our mutual friends in December and remarked that our friends due date had passed, was there any talk of inducing her? She hesitated and said that she thought there was maybe talk of something and then she panicked and said 'I'm so sorry, he was born last week and they asked me not to tell you'. Mum and baby are both healthy and all went well. Our mutual friend told me his name.

I hesitated slightly over this but wrapped up the gifts and sent them along with a congratulations card in the post (they live quite nearby but it didn't feel right to drop by). A few days after it would have been received, both messaged me thanking me for the lovely gifts and said it was kind of me.

They don't use social media and I haven't seen any photos. A week or so later I asked my friend of 17 years how her partner was getting along post birth and she sent me a message along the lines of 'I can't believe you're trying to pretend everything is normal after you had a tantrum over us forgetting DS birthday. You hardly ever asked after partner during pregnancy and then you send a gift as if everything is fine?".

Things will still be hectic and emotions all over the place for both of them so what is the sensible course of action here?

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 23/01/2022 13:37

But you aren't asking about the baby when a friend is pregnant. You are asking about her. Does it matter to your DS that a group of unconnected adults wish him well on his Birthday? As said, you cut them off before they could respond. I don't care if people wish my happy birthday, who I'm not close to, that's a you thing that you are putting on others.

BobHadBitchTits · 23/01/2022 13:39

When was your child's birthday? How long has this been going on for?

I think the friendship is over, to be honest. It's almost like they've been waiting for an excuse to end it.

Summerfun54321 · 23/01/2022 13:40

I know everyone has a lot on just now but I'm a wee bit hurt that nobody remembered to pass on birthday wishes this year

There’s really no point in you giving your friends a little slap on the wrist for this as it’s such an unrealistic expectation. I barely remember my friend’s kids names, let alone their birthdays. Family yes, friends no.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 23/01/2022 13:40

Oh god, you're that friend. We had one of these in our NCT group who used to point out perceived slights and make the group chat awkward/silent for weeks on end. Thankfully she moved.

Honestly I think, as someone said, they'll have cleared off to their own chat for a bit after that.

namechange30455 · 23/01/2022 13:41

@Cocomarine

You know if you hadn’t ticked them off, probably there’d have been:

ooooh hope you had a lovely time!
can’t believe he’s 7 already!
oh I’m useless, I totally forgot, sorry!

We all have enough bother in our lives without being told off by friends.

I was thinking this. If you'd just mentioned the trip for his birthday not had a strop, you'd probably have got the birthday wishes and it would all be fine.

I honestly can't believe you ticked off a heavily pregnant woman for forgetting your PFB's birthday.

Summerfun54321 · 23/01/2022 13:41

@Goldbar that message is spot on, I would send that.

HardbackWriter · 23/01/2022 13:41

I don't understand why it mattered to you that they acknowledged his birthday in the first place - would you have read the messages out to him if they had? Would he really have cared? It would all make more sense if it had been your birthday, but it wasn't.

I think on the face of it they overreacted, but in reality I'd be astonished if this was the first time you were so high-maintenance, and it sounds like they'd had enough.

Luredbyapomegranate · 23/01/2022 13:41

They are being very over dramatic, although it was bizarre of you to talk about people forgetting about your kid’s birthday on WhatsApp. Text and email are very blunt tools - you should only use them for basic communication. Using them for anything difficult is asking for trouble. It is also unreasonable to have said it at all, they DO have more important things on their minds.

If there’s one of the two that you are closer to (the friend of 17 years) focus on maintaining contact with them - you need to say first that you are sorry if you upset her, but obviously you’ve been friends for X years and you love them and want to maintain that. Say similarly but briefer to the other one. Then just check in periodically. Don’t crowd. Allow for the fact the first 3 months is v overwhelming.

It will likely clear up. If it doesn’t, around 6 months write a heartfelt note, and then leave it.

bonetiredwithtwins · 23/01/2022 13:41

I think it was a bit silly to post you were "hurt" - it's a child's birthday - they don't particularly care if your friends wish them happy birthday or not.

I'm sure you remember how worrying a time it is the closer a due date becomes even if the pregnancy was plain sailing

I'd apologise to your friend and say you were just having a moment - which you were in my mind - they haven't behaved maturely either but if you want the friendship to get back on track then you fired the first shot as it were so should apologise first

ToykotoLosAngeles · 23/01/2022 13:41

I forget birthdays sometimes. I work. I have a toddler. I have no idea what the date even is most days!

Rogue1001 · 23/01/2022 13:42

You say twice that you don't have expectations of your friendship group around your dc birthday. But it seems that actually you do, because you were hurt.
Next time just mention it in passing in advance eg - got to rush into town to pick up present or frantically cake baking for party next week.
Just something to jog their memories if you want a mention.
But your dc won't care.
Their your friends, not your children's.
I would put an apology on the WhatsApp group and say you were feeling frazzled at the time, and then a jokey meme or two to move things along.
Or step back, as pp have suggested

Leslienope · 23/01/2022 13:45

I think you were maybe a little bit silly to bother mentioning re the birthday BUT I think they're effing nuts to make such a drama over it.

Makes me think there's other stuff that's been brewing over the years.

Tbh it kind of reminded me of some of my more toxic friends and you're better off without them.

Allsorts1 · 23/01/2022 13:47

If a friend of mine had said they were hurt to not have received a birthday message for child I would have just said “oh no I’m so sorry for forgetting!” Like a normal person would. If that comment got their backs up, fine, but hardly a reason to keep the birth of their child from you! That’s such a severe reaction.

I’m sorry your friends have been so disloyal OP and willing to throw away your friendship and also leave you in a lot of anxiety over this, it isn’t fair and I imagine it would rock you quite a lot. It’s one thing being ghosted by a date but we expect a lot more from our female friends. I have no advice, just sympathy. X

Flocon · 23/01/2022 13:48

Next time just mention it in passing in advance eg - got to rush into town to pick up present or frantically cake baking for party next week. I don't think OP can do that now without it causing problems again.

FunnysInLaJardin · 23/01/2022 13:48

In my close friendship group we have a rule that if you want folk to remember a birthday, you need to drop a hint a few days before.

People are busy and dont always remember.

This came up when one of our group was hurt that we had forgotten her birthday and proceeded to tell us how many years previously we had forgotten.

Nobody fell out but the net result was make sure you drop a hint in advance!

Rogue1001 · 23/01/2022 13:49

Sorry, xposted with loads. It was on pg 2 when I started tapping

Goldbar · 23/01/2022 13:51

Yes, the potential separate group and keeping information from you is a bit worrying...it means you're constantly and deliberately being put on the back foot which they must know will cause you stress. I wouldn't want to continue to be part of a friendship group where I felt people were discussing me behind my back and excluding me so if you get the impression this is still happening after you apologise, that's the moment to bow out. Either they move past it and the friendship continues or they don't and it ends.

BoredZelda · 23/01/2022 13:54

I expect very little from my friends regarding my kids.

Expecting them to remember, then gush about their birthdays is expecting rather a lot. I have a few close friends with kids, I’ll post a happy birthday if they share a birthday message on FB but I have no idea when their birthdays are, except for one mum who’s son shares a birthday with my daughter. People have lives and they don’t include remembering your kid’s birthday. To berate them in a group then follow up each one individually is way too much. You’ve behaved unreasonably and I daresay the others in the group are happy to reduce contact because of it.

Chloemol · 23/01/2022 13:56

Just leave them to it. They are the one throwing their toys out of the pram

I would just remain friends with the others

Balonziaga · 23/01/2022 13:57

To go back to your original question Things will still be hectic and emotions all over the place for both of them so what is the sensible course of action here?...

If you want to salvage this rather than step back and let it play out.

You send a text along the lines of:

"Belated apologies for my text of xx/xx/21 where I moaned that you'd all forgotten DS bday. I was feeling a bit over-senstive and texted without thinking. Of course we all had bigger things to worry about. Was a bit high-maintainance of me and I'm hoping we can forget it."

You can send that to the group. Or if you send it to the couple, you can tag on something like:

"I'm sad that we have this atmosphere between us, especially as it's such a special time for you and I want to be able to share in your joy. Sorry if I was an arse - I'd love to visit soon if you're up for it?"

Then, when things are on firmer ground you can ask about the accusation that you didn't ask about the pregnancy and explain that you felt you had. If things fall apart again, then it's not meant to be.

Not saying this is the route I would take (although I probably would as I am people pleaser) but this should at least allow you to all move on.

Tullig · 23/01/2022 13:57

@Flocon

I know everyone has a lot on just now but I'm a wee bit hurt that nobody remembered to pass on birthday wishes this year' I wouldn't be happy getting that tbh.

I would find that message enormously passive-aggressive and irritating.

What possible difference can it make to your child to have people mention his or her birthday on WhatsApp? Why does it matter so much to you, enough that you actually say you’re ‘sad’ because it wasn’t mentioned!

Toottooot · 23/01/2022 13:59

I don’t think it’s the new parents who are the sensitive ones. Your child is not the concern of your friends - is it the lack of birthday wishes or lack of presents you’re most upset over?

Norgie · 23/01/2022 13:59

I'm baffled as to why you think your child's birthday is important to anyone else.

Phobiaphobic · 23/01/2022 13:59

It's practically a law of psychology that no matter how unreasonable someone has been, pointing it out to them will always be turned around and seen as your fault, and often the relationship will be over. It sucks, but it's true.

I don't really have an answer for it, to be honest.

Original poster

vicprice88 · 23/01/2022 13:59

@BoredZelda

I expect very little from my friends regarding my kids.

I didn't 'follow each one up'. I carried on as normal with my friends. We have one on one chats outside of the group and everyone responded as they normally would and I didn't have any awareness (aside from the lack of response in the group) that anyone was particularly bothered by my comment.

I didn't expect anyone to gush, just to comment on it. And I'm particularly surprised now that my friends have children and are being quite sensitive themselves that they wouldn't be more understanding.

OP posts:

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