New parents being too sensitive

[vicprice88]

I had a very close knit group of friends and I was the only one in the group with children until one of my friends fell pregnant with the baby due in December (same sex couple, friends with both).

Normally I'll mention my children's birthday's coming up but I have no expectation of them as child-free people to do anything beyond mention it in the whatsapp group or pass on good wishes.

This year nobody remarked at all on my DS birthday and a couple of days later I mentioned in the WhatsApp group that I was slightly hurt that nobody said anything. One of the mums to be responded that 'we have more important things on our mind just now' and the group chat is now dead in the water, nobody has posted since then.

I have since individually messaged them and thought things were fine. I had bought some gifts for the baby just as I had seen things I knew they would really like and put them away in the cupboard.

I had an evening out with one of our mutual friends in December and remarked that our friends due date had passed, was there any talk of inducing her? She hesitated and said that she thought there was maybe talk of something and then she panicked and said 'I'm so sorry, he was born last week and they asked me not to tell you'. Mum and baby are both healthy and all went well. Our mutual friend told me his name.

I hesitated slightly over this but wrapped up the gifts and sent them along with a congratulations card in the post (they live quite nearby but it didn't feel right to drop by). A few days after it would have been received, both messaged me thanking me for the lovely gifts and said it was kind of me.

They don't use social media and I haven't seen any photos. A week or so later I asked my friend of 17 years how her partner was getting along post birth and she sent me a message along the lines of 'I can't believe you're trying to pretend everything is normal after you had a tantrum over us forgetting DS birthday. You hardly ever asked after partner during pregnancy and then you send a gift as if everything is fine?".

Things will still be hectic and emotions all over the place for both of them so what is the sensible course of action here?

[MaudieandMe]

@ToykotoLosAngeles

Oh god, you're that friend. We had one of these in our NCT group who used to point out perceived slights and make the group chat awkward/silent for weeks on end. Thankfully she moved.

Honestly I think, as someone said, they'll have cleared off to their own chat for a bit after that.

What a nasty bitchy post.

I’m guessing ex-friend has found a nicer group of people to be friends with now.

[chaosrabbitland]

as the mutual friend had told you they didnt want you to know the kid had even been born i personally would never have bothered giving them gifts , and just left it at that .
im confused and struggling as to why you did that in the first place really
as it is id just forget them now and move on ,theres nowt much more you can do if they feel like this

[Holskey]

@vicprice88

I think I've had enough of a response here, I'm clearly the devil incarnate for expression hurt feelings to close friends.

Thank you all for your input but I'd appreciate no more comments on this thread.

This is really juvenile. It's something a teenager might say in a strop. You seem quite sensitive and potentially prone to tantrums.

Honestly, you've had quite an easy ride here for AIBU! Quite a lot of supportive posts agreeing that your ex friend's behaviour was OTT, people trying to offer suggestions as to why it might have happened, and people simply telling you the truth: that they wouldn't like the message you sent and would consider it needy, precious and unnecessary.

[Flocon]

If you post on AIBU you must know there's a chance you are BU, otherwise what's the point?

[ToykotoLosAngeles]

@MaudieandMe What was actually "nasty and bitchy" was telling one of the group she could donate someone her now spare ticket for a baby concert, since her DS was ill, and then berating that person for giving her ticket to another mum she didn't like. So frankly they're welcome to her. But yes, I'm the problem, clearly. Oh, and one time we didn't reply fast enough to a video of her DS playing the baby recorder.

[JarvisCockersRightEyebrow]

I think you’ve been a bit of a prat messaging them that about your sons birthday, I’m not particularly surprised that they responded initially as they did. However, it’s childish of them to carry on being silly about it. It doesn’t sound as though they are as invested in the friendship as you OP, sadly, and I say that simply because they seem entirely prepared to let the friendship go over a silly spat. Personally I wouldn’t message them anymore and just see what happens.

[TheOccupier]

Was your child aware/upset that your friends had forgotten his birthday?

[PurpleDaisies]

@thisplaceisweird

They don't sound like particularly good friends. My friends all said happy birthday to my dog last week even they have a lot of personal stuff going on. It's not hard to send a text.

It is hard to remember friends’ children’s birthdays. It’s even harder to care to remember friends’ children’s birthdays.

[ElenaCouch]

@Cocomarine

For context - even my siblings send, “shit - it was X’s birthday last week wasn’t it?! Happy belated birthday from a shit aunt ☺️“. Nobody cares. How much we care about each other and our respective children isn’t measured that way.

Love this.

[StellaGibs]

If i had received that message Id have said sorry, unless I had a problem with you then itd get the reaction you got.
Sounds like they have an issue but if you genuinely dont know what then you can either step away or try to find out.

[MaudieandMe]

@vicprice88

I had an evening out with one of our mutual friends in December and remarked that our friends due date had passed, was there any talk of inducing her? She hesitated and said that she thought there was maybe talk of something and then she panicked and said 'I'm so sorry, he was born last week and they asked me not to tell you'. Mum and baby are both healthy and all went well. Our mutual friend told me his name.

What a shitty attitude these new parents have. The directive about not telling you the baby had been born was incredibly childish and self centred and the sort of response you’d expect from a group of 10yr olds, not grown adult women.

I think you need to step away from this toxic group and move on and find some new grown up friends. Of course you can tell Real friends when you’re feeling disappointed about something without them getting arsey. That’s the point of a good friendship. To support each other when you’re feeling low.

Sounds like they just want a superficial friendship, like an Instagram equivalent.

[IMissSunnyDays]

I'm with you. My child free friend's always wish my children happy birthday, before I had children I did the same. I don't get why it's so odd, if you are close friend's you absolutely say happy birthday and ask what you are up to.

Your friend's sound very self absorbed to be honest, I'd distance myself personally. One of my close friends left her husband for a woman and has turned into this overly sensitive intensive version of herself. She looks to be offended, which is a bit tiring. I could imagine them acting like this if they ever have a baby.

[MistyFrequencies]

Your last message reinforces my initial thought that you're hard work. You posted on AIBU then play victim when (some, not all) people tell you you are being unreasonable.

[Echobelly]

I don't know any of my mate's kid's birthdays. I wouldn't expect any of my friends to. Know my kids' birthdays.

[MaudieandMe]

[quote ToykotoLosAngeles]@MaudieandMe What was actually "nasty and bitchy" was telling one of the group she could donate someone her now spare ticket for a baby concert, since her DS was ill, and then berating that person for giving her ticket to another mum she didn't like. So frankly they're welcome to her. But yes, I'm the problem, clearly. Oh, and one time we didn't reply fast enough to a video of her DS playing the baby recorder.[/quote]
You said her posts made the group chat awkward/silent for weeks on end.

Did you ever tell her that her comments upset you or did you just withdraw from communicating with her?

Not being prepared to TALK to the person directly and raising your concerns like grown adults is frankly, being bitchy. It’s the same as giving someone the silent treatment and sulking.

It’s a power play and doesn’t give the other party the opportunity to make amends and to move on.

No-one needs fake friends.

[HelloDulling]

I’m not sure I would have sent the message you sent, but I sure would be hurt if out of a group of friends, no one remembered my DCs’ birthdays. I don’t expect anyone to ‘gush’, but a HB text/message on FB/ message to the WhatsApp group is hardly hard to manage. I know not everyone remembers, but usually someone does, and then the others are reminded too.

Since they are the first people on Earth to have a baby, they will no doubt expect much fanfare for every milestone.

[Theunamedcat]

I would leave them to it personally

[Wimpeyspread]

I think it’s ridiculous to expect friends to remember your child’s birthday, YABU

[ddl1]

I think all of you are being too sensitive, and seemingly expecting the right to criticize others with impunity while at the same time getting angry at any criticisms directed toward yourselves!

Firstly, I would think it unnecessary and possibly hurtful in itself to say, especially publicly that you were 'hurt' at people not mentioning your children's birthday. It would have better to express it more positively: that your child really likes getting good wishes from your friends and that in the future you'd be grateful if more people did so.

It also depends somewhat on your son's relationship with these friends. If he knows them well as honorary aunties, then it's fair to ask them for birthday greetings but not to scold them about it. If he hardly knows them, and you want the greetings mainly as a respect for yourself, then I think it would best not to mention it at all.

Your friends are also going over the top. If they were so upset with you, they could at least have said so at the time, rather than sulking and having tantrums of their own after you had sent them congratulations and a friendly gift.

Maybe the new mother was hormonal or even suffering from some degree of PND. Maybe they have been criticized by family members for using a donor/ technology to have a baby, or even for being in a same-sex partnership at all, and have become touchy.

I would send an apology for 'hurting their feelings' and say that you value the friendship and wish to continue it (assuming that you do). Then the ball is in their court.

[percypigwig]

Honestly, why do women do this? I'm glad not to have a large group of female friends like this purely to avoid the drama.

People's responses have been overly harsh. OP is allowed to be annoyed if that's how she feels. But, I think the context is important here. If these friends regularly wish each others children a happy birthday/send gift, then of course she's going to feel annoyed that no one remembered. True friends would acknowledge that she was hurt, discuss like adults perhaps and not behave like children. And not telling her that the pregnant friend had the baby is crazy-just why? So so childish. My advice would be to back right off. You'll soon find out who your true friends are

[diddl]

"but I sure would be hurt if out of a group of friends, no one remembered my DCs’ birthdays."

Well they must have remembered as Op reminded them as she always does.

I guess no one could be bothered with gushing over something that they have to be reminded of this time?

Perhaps the odd thing is that no one at all could be bothered?

[Flowers500]

Sorry but you're totally and utterly in the wrong here, the more you post the more clear it becomes that this is a pattern of behaviour from you--dramatic, lashing out, over sensitive, trying to find faults. I could not deal with this level of drama and passive aggressiveness, and like them would roll my eyes and decide to keep my distance. I work and get enough of this crap, people in my personal life don't have permission to speak to me like a naughty child.

If I cared this much about birthdays wishes for my child, I would send a picture of them with a bday balloon or something in the morning.

[sweetbellyhigh]

@vicprice88

I think I've had enough of a response here, I'm clearly the devil incarnate for expression hurt feelings to close friends.

Thank you all for your input but I'd appreciate no more comments on this thread.

Very extreme reaction by all., and all quite unnecessary.

I guess all you can do is back off and focus on other friendships.

Sorry because it sounds very unpleasant.

[Vloggamamma]

Could there be some jealousy involved? You say you know the one for 17 years. Maybe the other has some unrealised jealousy ? I know you are friends with both but 17 years is a long time. It seems you are a bit out of the loop in terms of what's going on. Hiding the birth from you seems very OTT for someone who's been your friend for nearly 20 years and your only crime saying you were understandbly hurt nobody mentioned your baby's birthday. I notice they weren;t forthcoming with an apology or even a belated wish. Yet I'm sure they will expect people to go on about their child's birthday. I would let them cool their heels, you have reached out and they seem to be the ones wanting an argument. Saying you were hurt was not throwing a tantrum - they however seem to be, especially hiding the birth. People really can be funny critters at times. Maybe you also now have more on your mind than whatever petty point they are trying to prove ;)

[SallyGoLucky]

@Flowers500

Sorry but you're totally and utterly in the wrong here, the more you post the more clear it becomes that this is a pattern of behaviour from you--dramatic, lashing out, over sensitive, trying to find faults. I could not deal with this level of drama and passive aggressiveness, and like them would roll my eyes and decide to keep my distance. I work and get enough of this crap, people in my personal life don't have permission to speak to me like a naughty child.

If I cared this much about birthdays wishes for my child, I would send a picture of them with a bday balloon or something in the morning.

Blimey. I've read OPs responses a few times now and I still cannot figure out where on earth you've pulled all this from.