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Original poster

New parents being too sensitive

299 replies

vicprice88 · 23/01/2022 12:59

I had a very close knit group of friends and I was the only one in the group with children until one of my friends fell pregnant with the baby due in December (same sex couple, friends with both).

Normally I'll mention my children's birthday's coming up but I have no expectation of them as child-free people to do anything beyond mention it in the whatsapp group or pass on good wishes.

This year nobody remarked at all on my DS birthday and a couple of days later I mentioned in the WhatsApp group that I was slightly hurt that nobody said anything. One of the mums to be responded that 'we have more important things on our mind just now' and the group chat is now dead in the water, nobody has posted since then.

I have since individually messaged them and thought things were fine. I had bought some gifts for the baby just as I had seen things I knew they would really like and put them away in the cupboard.

I had an evening out with one of our mutual friends in December and remarked that our friends due date had passed, was there any talk of inducing her? She hesitated and said that she thought there was maybe talk of something and then she panicked and said 'I'm so sorry, he was born last week and they asked me not to tell you'. Mum and baby are both healthy and all went well. Our mutual friend told me his name.

I hesitated slightly over this but wrapped up the gifts and sent them along with a congratulations card in the post (they live quite nearby but it didn't feel right to drop by). A few days after it would have been received, both messaged me thanking me for the lovely gifts and said it was kind of me.

They don't use social media and I haven't seen any photos. A week or so later I asked my friend of 17 years how her partner was getting along post birth and she sent me a message along the lines of 'I can't believe you're trying to pretend everything is normal after you had a tantrum over us forgetting DS birthday. You hardly ever asked after partner during pregnancy and then you send a gift as if everything is fine?".

Things will still be hectic and emotions all over the place for both of them so what is the sensible course of action here?

OP posts:
greenteafiend · 23/01/2022 13:59

People who are high-maintenance about birthdays do my head in. Someone on my Facebook changed her settings to hide her birthday just to see how many people would remember without the FB reminder appearing, then proceeded to write a passive-aggressive post in which she explained what she'd done and said how much she appreciated the birthday message FROM THOSE PEOPLE WHO CARED ENOUGH TO REMEMBER WITHOUT A REMINDER. I think I've got her muted now.

Allsorts1 · 23/01/2022 14:01

@Balonziaga

To go back to your original question Things will still be hectic and emotions all over the place for both of them so what is the sensible course of action here?...

If you want to salvage this rather than step back and let it play out.

You send a text along the lines of:

"Belated apologies for my text of xx/xx/21 where I moaned that you'd all forgotten DS bday. I was feeling a bit over-senstive and texted without thinking. Of course we all had bigger things to worry about. Was a bit high-maintainance of me and I'm hoping we can forget it."

You can send that to the group. Or if you send it to the couple, you can tag on something like:

"I'm sad that we have this atmosphere between us, especially as it's such a special time for you and I want to be able to share in your joy. Sorry if I was an arse - I'd love to visit soon if you're up for it?"

Then, when things are on firmer ground you can ask about the accusation that you didn't ask about the pregnancy and explain that you felt you had. If things fall apart again, then it's not meant to be.

Not saying this is the route I would take (although I probably would as I am people pleaser) but this should at least allow you to all move on.

Excellent advice!!
Original poster
vicprice88 · 23/01/2022 14:01

@Toottooot

I don’t think it’s the new parents who are the sensitive ones. Your child is not the concern of your friends - is it the lack of birthday wishes or lack of presents you’re most upset over?
No, definitely not. He gets more than enough! I buy new baby gifts for my friends but don't tend to get them birthday and Christmas presents and that seems fairly standard with my other parent friends unless there's a party.
OP posts:
MistyFrequencies · 23/01/2022 14:01

None of my friends have kids. I've never once expected them to remember my kids birthdays. You sound like hard work.

christingle2 · 23/01/2022 14:01

OP, you sound like an attention seeker. How old is your child? Are they old enough to understand, or care, that your own friends didn’t say happy birthday for you to “pass on?” It’s almost like you were fishing for compliments with that “passing on wishes” message. It’s such a nit picky thing to mention

I also think they have a new group chat without you considering no one has posted in your chat since. The conversation has moved elsewhere

'I can't believe you're trying to pretend everything is normal after you had a tantrum over us forgetting DS birthday. You hardly ever asked after partner during pregnancy and then you send a gift as if everything is fine?".

You need to say sorry about the snide message of yours, agree it came across badly (don’t make excuses if you want to salvage the friendship) and that you want to make amends etc

Hb12 · 23/01/2022 14:01

I think there is a bug difference between enquiring after existing children, and an expectant parent/unborn child. No hypocrisy there.

Tullig · 23/01/2022 14:03

But if you want them to remember a child’s birthday, if it really matters that much to you, invite them to a party?

Blanketpolicy · 23/01/2022 14:03

Your (ex)friends have obviously taken offence at your first message.

Your expectations were too high regarding your dcs birthday. If there has been no messages since then, it is likely there a new group chat.

If they haven't be honest with you and told you your message was out of order, and you haven't been able to gain an insight from their silence and responded, it wasn't much of a "friendship" anyway.

Whatafustercluck · 23/01/2022 14:03

I think you've had some unkind responses here op. Being hurt about your ds's birthday being forgotten and raising it on a group chat probably wasn't your finest moment.

However, all of this fallout from your 'friends' as a result, excluding you from news about a birth? Massive overreaction on their part. I can only go by what you've said here, that there's no other back story, you asked after her etc and your group message was as described. But to me it sounds like they may not be the friends you thought they were. If I'd had a tiff over nothing/ very little (and that's all it is) with a friend who later bought me a lovely gift, there's no way I'd carry things on.

Booboobadoo · 23/01/2022 14:03

I'd be a bit narked if someone offered me advice as they already have two children... I expect you meant it kindly, but it sounds patronising. If I wanted advice from friends I'd be offered it unsolicited and ignore most of it I'd ask for it.

Hugasauras · 23/01/2022 14:04

I'd never expect friends, especially those without kids themselves, to remember DD's birthday or be in the least bit bothered they didn't send birthday wishes. DD won't know or care.

They probably would have said something if you'd just sent the message without the bit on the end 🤷‍♀️

Sounds like a storm in a teacup.

StEval · 23/01/2022 14:05

went to the new cinema in town to see the new Disney film for DS birthday on Thursday- highly recommend both the film and the cinema!

If you just posted this then they would have replied with " Happy bday to x"
In all honesty you sound rather dramatic and I think they are wisely distancing themselves from you.

Allsorts1 · 23/01/2022 14:05

I dont think you did anything wrong OP, in good friendships we are allowed to be a bit silly occasionally and express disappointment without fear of the friendship being severed. What they did to you (excluding you from news of the birth) to me is unforgivable in a friendship. However, as a good friend you can also give a bit of leeway here and understand that people sometimes go a bit doolally with a new born, so can forgive this.

The PPs text advice above is really good to follow if you would like to repair things.

However, if they don’t meet you half way and respond to your repair attempt, then please realise you are better off without them and walk away with your head held high!

Dishwashersaurous · 23/01/2022 14:05

I think she's realised that she doesn't want to be friends with you.

And you were rude in the group chat.

Then didn't apologise for being rude and seem to think everything should return to normal .

Figgygal · 23/01/2022 14:06

Doesn't seem they were good friends to carry on like that
To swear another friend to secrecy about the birth of their child is mortifying id never speak to them again tbh.
And theres definitely another WhatsApp with all your other friends on it wilfully excluding you
What a mess

Kudupoo · 23/01/2022 14:07

Well this is the thing. It feels like a bit of a double standard for them to expect me to check in often on the progress of their unborn child (which I did!) and never mention my existing ones

This is disingenuous. They didn't raise a problem with your behaviour until you told them off about theirs - it's you that has the double standard in their eyes. You say you have low expectations of your friends regarding your kids but you don't - admonishing them for not sending birthday wishes is crappy. They weren't expecting you to check in loads and them to never mention yours (dramatic spin there OP), they just didn't appreciate being given a verbal slap over something like forgotten birthday wishes.

Is it possible this isn't the first time you've been a bit unreasonable when it comes to expectations from your friends? (And expressions of them?)

I'd just apologise for your original message, say you value them and you just want good things for them at this really special time. You'd love to know how they're getting on and of course meet the new baby when they feel ready.

AngelinaFibres · 23/01/2022 14:08

@Cocomarine

For context - even my siblings send, “shit - it was X’s birthday last week wasn’t it?! Happy belated birthday from a shit aunt ☺️“. Nobody cares. How much we care about each other and our respective children isn’t measured that way.
I have 2 brothers, neither has children. I have 2 , now adult, children. My oldest brothers record for birthday forgetting was 3 weeks when youngest son was 7. We have a tiny family (both my parents are the only children of only children). Both brothers had multiple short term girlfriends, the occasional more serious relationship, but nothing really going towards marriage and children. We all live within 20 minutes of each other and our parents. Their nephews were interesting in short bursts at family gatherings but otherwise I dare say they rarely thought about them.People without children have very different, busy lives, where birthdays of children of friends/ siblings just don't loom large.Texting the group and basically telling people off for not remembering the birthday of your child of is a bit precious.
eddiemairswife · 23/01/2022 14:08

Do you ever actually speak to these friends or is it all online?

Original poster
vicprice88 · 23/01/2022 14:08

@Whatafustercluck

I think you've had some unkind responses here op. Being hurt about your ds's birthday being forgotten and raising it on a group chat probably wasn't your finest moment.

However, all of this fallout from your 'friends' as a result, excluding you from news about a birth? Massive overreaction on their part. I can only go by what you've said here, that there's no other back story, you asked after her etc and your group message was as described. But to me it sounds like they may not be the friends you thought they were. If I'd had a tiff over nothing/ very little (and that's all it is) with a friend who later bought me a lovely gift, there's no way I'd carry things on.

Thanks for the acknowledgement, the responses have made me feel pretty shitty.
OP posts:
TetraTetris · 23/01/2022 14:09

Pregnant princess by the sounds of it ....not your loss!

Original poster
vicprice88 · 23/01/2022 14:09

@eddiemairswife

Do you ever actually speak to these friends or is it all online?
We live close by and meet up often. We haven't met since the group message partly because people were busy with Christmas and partly with my friend being so heavily pregnant.
OP posts:
PurBal · 23/01/2022 14:10

They had a baby in December. DH and I were walking zombies for the first 12 weeks. I’d leave it alone. Also, I wouldn’t offer new parents advice, they’ll ask if they want it. Children are individuals and you’re only an expert in parenting your own children, it can come across incredibly patronising.

HardbackWriter · 23/01/2022 14:12

I also think they have a new group chat without you considering no one has posted in your chat since. The conversation has moved elsewhere

I think so too, and I think this - and the fact that the mutual friend was obviously fine to go along with keeping the birth a secret until OP put her directly on the spot - is pretty telling. Either they're all awful or this was the latest in a long line of bad behaviour by OP, but either way I'm not sure how salvageable it is.

Dishwashersaurous · 23/01/2022 14:13

For them to have created a new group chat without you. Which is what has probably happened I wonder if there had been other things before where you had upset people.

Why don't you message on the group and suggest a collective meet up. Then you will know what everyone thinks

MrsMarshmallow65 · 23/01/2022 14:13

They all sounds very immature and bonkers,cut all ties and find new decent friends who aren't lunatics , poor you, I don't think you did anything wrong at all and sound like a very nice person