To not want to share food

[Whohashiddenthebiscuits]

Just that really! If anyone has seen the Gavin and Stacey episode where they are ordering a takeaway and James Corden goes off on a rant about not wanting to share his order, I completely got that!

The last two Saturdays, I’ve seen friends.I’m middle aged, a pescatarian and really fussy about food. I’ve tried a lot over the years and know what I like and what I don’t. I’ve just got to the point where I just want to eat food I know I actually like. I know it’s good to try new things and I have for many years.. but Ive got to the point I just want to eat what I want to eat.

Last Saturday we were over friends and they ordered a Chinese (we split the bill). DH and our friends were discussing ordering a whole load of stuff and I just asked if I could have 2 dishes instead to myself I liked. Last night out at a Thai with friends, same scenario. All friends were really nice about it.. but I felt like the request was being a bit petulant and odd (even though I expressed it both times nicely!) not to want to share my food!

Anyone else feel the same way or is it really a bit anti social?!

@girlmom21

Well, yes, everyone who doesn’t join in spoils it a bit. It’s a bit anti-social. The pleasure is in the sharing of the food, the communality of the food, the conversation around the food.

I'd much rather everyone eat what they actually like and talk about interesting things. Talking about food is boring. Everyone double dipping their spoons is gross. Having to pass a dish halfway down the table or not want to take too much rice so nobody's left without is irritating.

I just can't see how a meal where you have to share food can possibly be enjoyable in any way.

In cultures where sharing dishes is the usual way of things, the whole experience is set up in such a way that the sharing of the food is sort of part of the experience. If you find talking about food boring, though, these might not be the cultures for you(!) You have to sort of enter into it.

There is separate cutlery for communal dishes, and (IME) plenty of food for all, and making sure everyone has enough of what they want is part of the hospitality.

I had never really understood this whole mentality until I married into a culture that is very foodie, the way meals are handled is very different to the British way of doing things and makes the British way of doing things look rather miserable.

@erinaceus see I get that if you're hosting and I think that works differently.

But I'll be honest, if I was in a restaurant and we had to order twice the amount of dishes then we needed or wanted for convenience id begrudge paying for it.

YANBU. I don't like sharing food either! The worst is when someone doesn't order certain items because they're 'trying to be healthy', and then proceeds to steal everybody else's. Drives me batty!!

@WondrousAcorn

Fussy eaters ordering their one thing for themselves spoil the occasion.

Whereas it’s entirely pleasant and social to expect ‘fussy’ eaters to enjoy their own meal less or not at all so you get what you want? I understand you might really love sharing, but it’s not antisocial to want your own. Whereas it is pretty antisocial to expect someone who really doesn’t like it to share. Why does your enjoyment trump theirs?

I actually find the stress some posters have placed on sharing the same food a bit odd. The vast majority of meals out I’ve had with friends have involved everyone ordering for themselves - even tapas! And when we do share, it’s been no big thing for friends to understand that some might order something just for themselves. Nor would it occur to me that Chinese food (for example) must be shared - I’m not in China or (usually) eating with Chinese people, after all.

Doing something on your own while everyone else is doing something together is, be it’s very definition, anti-social. (A bit anti-social, as I keep saying and as the OP admitted to feeling.)

I don’t love dancing. I prefer to talk. If I go out with a group of friends and we end up in a club or bar where dancing is involved, I can choose whether to get up to dance when everyone else does. It’s entirely up to me. It’s not compulsory. None of my friends would ostracise me for staying in my seat. But it’s a bit anti-social…

[quote girlmom21]@erinaceus see I get that if you're hosting and I think that works differently.

But I'll be honest, if I was in a restaurant and we had to order twice the amount of dishes then we needed or wanted for convenience id begrudge paying for it. [/quote]
You don’t have to order twice the amount of dishes if there are no fussy eaters. When people are happy to eat anything, you order the amount of food you want. And if there’s something amazing that you want more of, you order some more.

Yes, it’s a way of eating that is more complex when there are fussy eaters.

@MasterBeth it's not fussy to want to eat something specific...

I'll eat almost anything but I generally know what I want to eat

But it’s a bit anti-social…

So nothing like sitting down for dinner with people then

In cultures where sharing dishes is the usual way of things, the whole experience is set up in such a way that the sharing of the food is sort of part of the experience. If you find talking about food boring, though, these might not be the cultures for you(!) You have to sort of enter into it.

There is separate cutlery for communal dishes, and (IME) plenty of food for all, and making sure everyone has enough of what they want is part of the hospitality.

I agree with this. It’s a learned skill, I think.

If you grow up eating communally, you learn how to take only what portion is reasonable, share etc - all the things people cite on this thread aren’t really issues in cultures where this is an accepted way of eating. For instance, the Spanish have a saying for the last piece of tapas left in a dish - it translates as ‘the one of shame’ - no one eats that unless you’ve harangued absolutely everyone around the table to see if they want more. You wouldn’t ever be the person to greedily eat the last bit. It’s a skill we don’t really do well here in Britain with meals plated up in the kitchen rather than family-style sharing from serving dishes etc.

Eating communally as a family or with guests has little in common to going out to a restaurant though

@ISpyCobraKai

No, no Shitting in food bastard typo

Sorry @ISpyCobraKai but I'll be chuckling all day at that

@MasterBeth, have to be honest, I am finding your comments increasingly bizarre ..but as a PP has said, a bill you obviously want to die on!

Not sure how many vegetarian/vegan restaurants you’ve been too or friends that don’t eat meat, but in general unless it’s say an Indian, you usually order your own courses. Quite why you think my friends should pick this an option every time just so we can all share food when in reality they aren’t really places where you do share food anyway (other than perhaps a forkful if offered) is a bit odd. I eat out a lot, there are usually options I can go for at the vast majority of restaurants. I wouldn’t want to eat out at vegetarian restaurants everytime and I’m pretty sure that any expectation from me that we should would be far more an social turn off to my meat eating friends than the odd occasion when I want my own Pad Thai!

Sharing food seems to be quite a big thing for you (and if it’s not really then you’ve written a heck of a lot of comments on something you don’t really give a monkeys about!). I can’t honestly say it’s been a big deal in any of the nights out I’ve had - it’s about the conversation and catching up. Yes, it felt a bit anti social ordering my own dishes - that came from me though and I didn’t angst over it. I seriously doubt my friends with whom I’ve shared my 20’s/30’s and 40’s, holidays, relationship break up support, childcare when one of us was ill etc gave any kind of fig whatsoever.

And on a final note, quite simply once again it cannot be ok and not anti social for me to eat my own food as morally I don’t eat meat as you wrote early in the thread.. while at the same time anti social as being fussy! It’s either one or the other, can’t be both!

I’m going to leave this here anyway. Trying to make sense of the a bit nonsensical is giving me a headache and we’ve all better things to go with our time!

Hill not bill!

@OneTC

Eating communally as a family or with guests has little in common to going out to a restaurant though

I’m not sure that’s true? When everyone is used to eating in this way, then the ordering of food also becomes easier, because everyone understands how to do it and what will happen.

The first time I had a Chinese meal with people who wanted to just order their own dish and eat that I was really thrown. I get why people do it, but it’s not how that cuisine is designed to be eaten so it felt odd.

If you are sitting and eating together I really don't see how it can be antisocial to want to eat a meal you've chosen. It's controlling and weird to suggest otherwise.

And I don't buy the 'in some cultures..' argument. It's not my culture and I don't believe it's widely UK culture either.

I just mean in the sense that you invite people round and you cater to them and what they like to eat

In a restaurant there's a selection and some people might be limited in choice either through diet choices, food preference or whatever. It's unusual IME for that to happen in a home cooked meal

Last night we had a party and there were 8 different curries, about half veggie and everyone could help themselves and everyone could have what they wanted. Tamil people and eating in a way that's typical of their culture. Sometimes when we go out to restaurants though the dietary requirements of some of the veggies limit what they could choose and although there's some sharing there's also a focus on making sure that the dietary requirement lot (mostly religious) have got enough to eat.

But yeah agreed that if you're used to it at home then it probably isn't going to phase you out but it's cuisine dependant

YANBU! I hate sharing food.

ILs are the worst for this - they pass around each item and put only a couple spoonfuls on their plate and then the bowls go around once or twice more! I'm always starving going to their house.

Going out for shared food with my friends is my absolute favourite way to eat! I love to try new things and so do my friends, so we usually go for Tapas or Vietnamese or whatever so we can vastly over order and try all the things. I wouldn't have a problem with anyone ordering their own, but I would think they were being fussy and missing out a bit (barring dietary requirements}.

Is there a correlation between not food sharing and splitting the bill to the penny to accurately reflect every calorie consumed I wonder

@Ontopofthesunset is right.

I can understand not wanting to share food but I think if you accept an invitation to a dinner at a restaurant which involves a reasonable number of people eating the sort of cuisine which is more likely to be shared (thinking Asian/Middle Eastern) its more or less a given that there will be some sharing involved, not least because totting up the bill if everyone orders for themselves would be a complete nightmare.

I think in those circumstances to insist on having your own dish would be a bit precious tbh.

Not in my case no .. it’s bad manners (imo) to split hairs over the bill @OneTC

I think cuisines in which sharing dishes is the norm are a bit like the way you would serve a roast dinner for a family - everyone has some of the meat (if they're not vegetarian of course) and some of the vegetables and some of the carbs. So in an Indian meal you have some of a meat dish (if you're not vegetarian), some pulses maybe and some of one or two vegetable dishes plus some carbs. You don't just eat a single large portion of chicken just like you don't eat just 10 slices of roast beef. And if you're dining with vegetarians, you make sure most of the dishes are vegetarian so everyone can share most of it.

@OneTC

Is there a correlation between not food sharing and splitting the bill to the penny to accurately reflect every calorie consumed I wonder

I think you're right, there definitely is! One noticed it too. One views the meal as a joint enterprise, a communal, social experience. The other views it as a lot of individuals going to buy themselves something to eat who happen to be sitting at the same table.

Worst combination - precise bill splitters at a sharing meal. Do they go equipped with scales and a spreadsheet?

@AuntyBumBum, absolute rubbish ( in my opinion respectfully)! Whenever I go out to eat with friends I see it as a social experience, by and large catching up with the lives of the various people who are important to me. It’ll be about conversation and renewing bonds. Me having Pad Thai to myself in the company of good friends absolutely in no way equates to viewing the evening as sitting with a couple of individuals who happen to be at the same table!

Quite simply, I would like to eat what I want to eat - and that’s it really. The suggestion it’s bill dodging motivated is 🤫. I imagine the kind of people who do tot up what they’ve had are the kind of people who would go that in any kind of restaurant or bar. A bit crass basically.

I've been stiffed in the past by bill splitting the drinks, I am a non drinker so my x2 Sprites or whatever come to a fiver but you have to stump up 17 quid cos it is easier, so say, to split the drinks 8 ways. I don't go out with that lot any more.