To not want to share food

[Whohashiddenthebiscuits]

Just that really! If anyone has seen the Gavin and Stacey episode where they are ordering a takeaway and James Corden goes off on a rant about not wanting to share his order, I completely got that!

The last two Saturdays, I’ve seen friends.I’m middle aged, a pescatarian and really fussy about food. I’ve tried a lot over the years and know what I like and what I don’t. I’ve just got to the point where I just want to eat food I know I actually like. I know it’s good to try new things and I have for many years.. but Ive got to the point I just want to eat what I want to eat.

Last Saturday we were over friends and they ordered a Chinese (we split the bill). DH and our friends were discussing ordering a whole load of stuff and I just asked if I could have 2 dishes instead to myself I liked. Last night out at a Thai with friends, same scenario. All friends were really nice about it.. but I felt like the request was being a bit petulant and odd (even though I expressed it both times nicely!) not to want to share my food!

Anyone else feel the same way or is it really a bit anti social?!

@NoSquirrels “ so it would be unfair to expect everyone else to adjust their behaviour just so you didn’t feel awkward about being the one who doesn’t want to share.”

I agree - if other people want to share and they are all happy with that, absolutely fine with me!

I agree with others of the PP that being pescatarian/vegetarian or vegan unless you’re with group of others who eat what you eat then in food sharing situations you do often loose out. Also, meat eaters end up ordering meat free dishes they might not have chosen either just to help give you more options. Doesn’t really work.

People can share my food once I’ve had enough to eat of it myself.

Not mixing meats” and “wanting a proper portion” are exactly the sort of comments that define fussy eating.

@MasterBeth I take it you always take a portion smaller than you actually want to avoid being a fussy eater?

Yeah what's that about? Wanting enough of a portion to feel full is a fussy eater?!

I think it depends.

I've got no issue sharing with DH and/or the children. We all know each other's food likes/dislikes and whilst we might try a small bit of what each other had ordered (or ordered food we all like) none of us would take significant amounts of each other's "specific"/"favourite" order.

Unless you're happy to eat anything and everything I thing I think it's a pretty unsatisfactory and frustrating way to eat - even something like tapas in a large group that is designed to be shared.

I've learned the hard way by ending up eating and paying for food I didn't order and didn't particularly like, because the items I did got placed at the opposite side of the table and were decimated by the time I got my hands on them. Leaving me left with food I didn't enjoy and would never have chosen.

Sharing is all very well if people start with the premise of eating what they ordered first and making sure everyone has access to their orders (plus some dishes agreed to be for everyone) then sharing out after that but imho that rarely happens and it's just a free for all.

I've no desire to pay for food I don't enjoy and find the whole experience just makes be grumpy (and stabby as I watch someone eating "my" food) if I'm honest, so I generally avoid such invitations now or am upfront about not sharing what I ordered until I'm finished with it.

With Chinese and Thai meals, the dishes are put together to be communal and shared.

If you prefer to order a dish or two just for yourself, I don't think it is a problem, but from a cultural/social/etiquette point of view you are going against the norm which is probably why you felt a bit awkward. A bit like being in a pub and suggesting you order fish and chips, one roast, on sausage and mash and a curry and all share them out tapas style. It's just not how the meal is.

"petulant" is a bit harsh! Some people just prefer not to share dishes. I had a colleague who was like that, I didn't mind. I would say stick to your guns and ride out the awkwardness.

Just to add the other thing I don't like is the differing rate at which people eat and the size of appetite.

There always seems to be someone who thinks sharing involves hoovering up copious quantities of food at a fast pace at the expense of those who are eating at a more relaxed pace (the sort who are on plate number 3 before others have finished their first leaving nothing left for the latter if they wanted more).

I am happy to share food,

Only issue is, i am veggie. So for a sharing meal, i order veggie, everyone else orders meat, if they share my choice I don’t get much.

Same with buffets. Catering is nearly always “10 veggies, provide enough food for 10 veggies” without thought to the fact the other 60 non veggies will also take a share.

@erinaceus

With Chinese and Thai meals, the dishes are put together to be communal and shared.

If you prefer to order a dish or two just for yourself, I don't think it is a problem, but from a cultural/social/etiquette point of view you are going against the norm which is probably why you felt a bit awkward. A bit like being in a pub and suggesting you order fish and chips, one roast, on sausage and mash and a curry and all share them out tapas style. It's just not how the meal is.

"petulant" is a bit harsh! Some people just prefer not to share dishes. I had a colleague who was like that, I didn't mind. I would say stick to your guns and ride out the awkwardness.

The thing is though, in my experience we've adopted the "norm" of sharing but not in the way its traditionally done.

For example Chinese. If you had a group of 12 from a Chinese family they might order 5/6 dishes of sufficient quantity that there is enough for everyone to have a good portion of everything. They are also unfailingly polite in ensuring everyone does so and eating in an leisurely manner that makes communal eating a positive experience.

What happens when I go out with friends is that you end up with 10/12 different dishes, none of which is enough for everyone to have a portion of each. It only take a few people to take a fancy to a dish one person ordered for there to be non left for the person who chose it and as above there always seems to be at least one person eating at twice the speed of everyone else who hoovers up anything and everything before some people have even filled their plate for the first time.

Essentially we seem to have taken on board the concept of sharing food without any of the etiquette that makes eating this way pleasurable and that's the issue.

100% with you OP. I have some food intolerances so I order what I know I can eat. If you then share out my food and I can't eat yours wtf am I supposed to eat.

@BreadInCaptivity You make an excellent point, I totally agree. I used to love going to the good Chinese restaurant with my Chinese friends because they knew how to put together the dishes.

If you are in a big group and the restaurant is a good one, one option is to ask the waiter/waitress to choose the dishes. It sounds a bit daft, but it really works! They know what goes with what, so you get a balance of flavours, they can accommodate requests like whether or not you like spicy dishes, the quantity is spot-on. I've done this a few times. Not everyone likes the idea and it doesn't suit every situation, but it has worked for me a few times. (Not one for the OP though.)

Totally agree! I don't share. I order enough for what l want to eat.

My friends know that now and don't ask. I will offer food I.e a spring roll, prawn cracker etc.... but don't take it as a given that you'll get some of mine.

I can't have any gluten, so will never share because of the risk of cross contamination, does make it a little awkward but I dare not risk it.

I like sharing some food - mostly Thai because then I get to eat by 4 favourite dishes, which also happen to be my friends and family favourites too.

I won't eat Thai if I can only have one dish.

there always seems to be at least one person eating at twice the speed of everyone else who hoovers up anything and everything before some people have even filled their plate for the first time.

Oh yes, there’s always a Hooverer. They’ve already helped themselves then, before you can even get so much as a morsel, they’re scraping the last of the dish onto their plate “to make sure it doesn’t go to waste”. Makes communal eating like a competitive sport; you’ve got to be quick off the mark if you actually want something to eat (especially as Hooverers are very good at casting their beady eyes over what other people ordered and saying “Mmm, might try a bit of that” while gobbling to half of it…)

[quote erinaceus]@BreadInCaptivity You make an excellent point, I totally agree. I used to love going to the good Chinese restaurant with my Chinese friends because they knew how to put together the dishes.

If you are in a big group and the restaurant is a good one, one option is to ask the waiter/waitress to choose the dishes. It sounds a bit daft, but it really works! They know what goes with what, so you get a balance of flavours, they can accommodate requests like whether or not you like spicy dishes, the quantity is spot-on. I've done this a few times. Not everyone likes the idea and it doesn't suit every situation, but it has worked for me a few times. (Not one for the OP though.)[/quote]

I've done similar with Chinese friends from Uni and it's brilliant isn't it! Lovely food, all complimentary (tastes/textures/spice/vegetables/meat).

The best analogy I can come up with is as follows.

A group of 10 all go to a restaurant well known for its Sunday Beef Roast.

You sit down and everyone orders the same and when it's brought to the table to be shared there is plenary of food for everyone to have a good portion of everything.

Yes some people might have mustard instead of horseradish, some might have fewer carrots and more cauliflower cheese but there is no danger of anyone not having a portion of everything they want and no fights need break out over the roast potato's, beef or Yorkshire puddings. Everyone is happy.

In contrast another group go to the same place but only 6 order the beef. 2 order poached salmon with a salad, one sausage and mash and one fish and chips.

As above it's all put in the centre of the table.

Some people are really happy. They got their roast dinner plus a few extras/changes. One got a sausage as well as the beef. One swapped their roasts for mash. Another decided to have a few extra chips and two decide they might like some salad as a palate cleanser in place of the carrots they didn't fancy quite as much.

That left some at the table a bit miffed. Yes they got a sausage (but had to supplement it with beef they didn't want) and ended up with roast potatoes and not mash. Not great, but ok ish.

The person ordering fish and chips ended up with fish and salad and decided to forgo their mushy peas.

And then there were two people left with the unappealing prospect of salmon with some beef gravy, mushy peas and carrots.

Essentially this is what we do when ordering "communal" meals.

Order a lot of dishes that are not designed to be eaten together resulting in some people eating food that's very unappetising and far from what they ordered/wanted.

That's why it so often doesn't work. It's just a load of random food that doesn't compliment each other with portions that mean not everyone can have everything.

As such I'd rather do it properly or not at all and seeing as few people want to do it properly then I'm out and will simply order my own food.

YANBU- team Smithy & Nessa all the way. Tapas bars possibly excepted

I chose what I wanted to eat, paid for it, and I want to eat it! I don’t want to eat what you ordered or I would’ve chosen it myself. Makes me stabby!

@coop36

No it's fine. I am funny around FOOD TOO AND HAVE AN Acquired taste. What I hate is people dipping into my plate when I eat, I was out friends recently and mates gf stuck her fork she'd eaten with into my cheesecake without my permission. I didn't say anything but was secretly yukkk. I would only share forks/food with an intimidate partner. I even stopped eating burgers in fast food places because they don't wear gloves. It's a psychological thing, I CAN NEVER EAT SANDWICHES OTHERS HAVE MADE KNOWING THEIR HANDS HAVE Being all over it.

Reminds me of a group of colleagues I worked with who'd share Meals and be double dipping etc. It made me sqiurm.

I'd of been tempted to prod her back with my fork.

Are you looking at my bhunas?!

@LoseLooseLucy

JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD!

I'm confused, did you have to tell them you wouldn't give them some of yours, or do you just feel awkward ordering your own? I don't really like to share when I've requested something specifically, but will do.

Damn, I really wanted to say that!

But I am with Joey mind, I don't like sharing food.

“I’ll eat mine in the car!”

Definitely Team Smithy and if I’m with a group of my friends someone will always pipe up with “MrsFezziwig doesn’t share food!” (fortunately they love me dearly)

I just don’t see the logic in being forced to eat someone else’s choice of food rather than my own. Added to which, I don’t like very hot curries (my friends do) and I’m a relatively slow eater (my friends aren’t). So I would be lucky to get a reasonable amount of food that I like before the gannets had been in action.

And for the accusatory posters upthread, not liking Vindaloo doesn’t make me a “picky eater”.

Exactly what ontopofthesunset said. Some cuisines (tapas, mezze, many Asian cuisines are intended to be eaten as a collection of different dishes that are shared. Most people will agree that you get a much nicer, more interesting, balanced, and authentic meal that way and will expect it. When we go out for those meals, we will always order as a group to make sure we get a good mix of dishes. I would consider someone who asked just to have their own dish to be a bit odd and a minor nuisance to be honest! Though I would be polite about it.

On the other hand at eg a French restaurant I would not expect people to share. Though DH and I do often swap dishes part way through, or or friends might offer a taste or share a pudding, but we shouldn't just all share, obviously.

@BreadInCaptivity - you make a great point. I’ve been to meals in Italy where everything is shared (yes, I’m thinking of Ferragosto for any Italians or anyone living there!) and I’ve actually been thankful for being vegetarian and latterly pescatarian because the quantity of food is such that I can at least politely decline some courses. There is an abundance of everything.

Here, it’s many different small-medium-sized dishes that individually don’t go far. Guaranteed to see you lose out if you’re overly polite or there’s anything you can’t or don’t want to eat. It doesn’t work well.

I don’t get posters who are actively annoyed by friends who want their own drink or meal. Yes, it’s nice to share, but only when everyone actually wants to. Who cares if some choose a different drink? For me, the communal element in eating is about being together and everyone enjoying themselves.

Oh my god yes. My DH jokes that I'm smithy in this scenario - I love my MIL normally, but anytime we go for a meal she's "just not that hungry" "only wants something small" then looks in my direction, and I'm expected to share my meal with her (ladies have small appetites I guess). I put a stop to that very quickly 😂 now she doesn't even try to stick a fork in my food!!

I’m not sure what the problem is. You told your friends that you didn’t want to share and that’s what happened. Totally up to you. If you felt a bit awkward, it’s probably because the norm is to share for those cuisines. Not sure what anyone else can do about that.