To not want to share food

[Whohashiddenthebiscuits]

Just that really! If anyone has seen the Gavin and Stacey episode where they are ordering a takeaway and James Corden goes off on a rant about not wanting to share his order, I completely got that!

The last two Saturdays, I’ve seen friends.I’m middle aged, a pescatarian and really fussy about food. I’ve tried a lot over the years and know what I like and what I don’t. I’ve just got to the point where I just want to eat food I know I actually like. I know it’s good to try new things and I have for many years.. but Ive got to the point I just want to eat what I want to eat.

Last Saturday we were over friends and they ordered a Chinese (we split the bill). DH and our friends were discussing ordering a whole load of stuff and I just asked if I could have 2 dishes instead to myself I liked. Last night out at a Thai with friends, same scenario. All friends were really nice about it.. but I felt like the request was being a bit petulant and odd (even though I expressed it both times nicely!) not to want to share my food!

Anyone else feel the same way or is it really a bit anti social?!

I totally get this, I'm not veggie or pescatarian but meat eaters will mostly be omnivores and enjoy meat and veggies dishes as much as meat dishes, so it's really unfair if they can eat everything and you are limited to one or two dishes.

I've seen people pile in and the person with a more restricted diet lose out on many occasions (buffets, shared food) so I would never have an issue with it. I think it's actually pretty shitty of the omnivores to think everyone else should subsidise them

@Ontopofthesunset

Well, it completely depends. If you're going out for a Chinese or Thai or Japanese or Indian meal, or mezze or tapas, of course it can seem strange and antisocial not to share food because that's how those cuisines are generally eaten. If you're going to a steakhouse or a brasserie or a pizzeria, then it would be strange to be expected to share.

This.

When I cook at home for guests, I generally serve 'family-style', in bowls on the table with dedicated serving spoons / chopsticks (the exception being if somebody has food allergies, in which case their food will be prepared and plated separately).

I am vegetarian, so cook vegetarian dishes mostly, but if any of my guests are Muslim or Jewish, the food will be halal/kosher by default. Similarly, if any of my guests are vegan, the food will be vegan by default.

@AffIt, with respect you are talking about something completely different. If you go over someone’s house then of course, you eat whatever it is they’ve made for you in whatever way they’ve prepared it - it’s just common courtesy! It would be completely unacceptable to decide to hog one of your dishes you have made yourself for all guests.

When you are actually paying for food, it’s a completely different ball game.

When I cook at home for guests, I generally serve 'family-style', in bowls on the table with dedicated serving spoons / chopsticks (the exception being if somebody has food allergies, in which case their food will be prepared and plated separately)

If I cook at home it will be lowest common denominator. If there’s a veggie, it will predominantly veggie food. Or nut free, gluten free etc. i once did a kids birthday party GF- it’s easier than you think to just do everything than faff doing different meals.

Then everyone can try everything. If you’re eating out though people will order what they want with no regard to what others will or can’t eat, which is when sharing gets complicated.

[quote Whohashiddenthebiscuits]@AffIt, with respect you are talking about something completely different. If you go over someone’s house then of course, you eat whatever it is they’ve made for you in whatever way they’ve prepared it - it’s just common courtesy! It would be completely unacceptable to decide to hog one of your dishes you have made yourself for all guests.

When you are actually paying for food, it’s a completely different ball game.[/quote]
Ah yes, my apologies, I have just re-read your OP PROPERLY - my reading comprehension skills are poor this evening!

In that case, no, you are completely within your rights, and those of good etiquette, to ask people not to touch your food, especially if you are pescatarian and the others are omni.

[quote Whohashiddenthebiscuits]@MasterBeth, what an odd example!

When have you ever been to the cinema where you just rock up without looking at what’s on and when?? As an adult that is. If one friend didn’t fancy going to see a film I wanted to see, I wouldn’t have a problem and would go with others who did. But that would all have been agreed before anyone arrived at the cinema!

Pretty sure I didn’t ruin anyone’s enjoyment last night or spoil the mood - I did feel a bit anti social for asking if they minded if I had my own dishes as it’s not the usual thing to do in my experience. These are friends I’ve known at least 20 years - would take a hell of a lot more than me wanting not to share food with them to create a sour atmosphere![/quote]
Yeah, that’s exactly what it is. A bit anti-social.

@Nomoreusernames1244

I’ve already defined fussy up thread. It’s specifically where people don’t have medical, cultural or moral reasons, but are just… fussy

So do people not joining in with your shared meal spoil it or not? If it’s ok for veggies to choose not to participate, why does that not spoil your whole evening, but someone who chooses not to eat shared dishes for another reason does?

Either your social evening is spoiled or it isn’t.

Well, yes, everyone who doesn’t join in spoils it a bit. It’s a bit anti-social. The pleasure is in the sharing of the food, the communality of the food, the conversation around the food.

So if I was eating sharing-style with people who ate vegan or Halal or vegetarian, I’d much rather go to a vegan or Halal or vegetarian restaurant.

Refusing to join in at all because you’re a fussy eater is just miserable and anti-social.

You seem a bit confused @MasterBeth, it’s ok for me to decide not to join in with the sharing as morally I don’t eat meat.. but at the same time I’m being anti social? Interesting!

No worries @AffIt. Both Saturdays I was the only non meat eater. When I’m cooking for guests at home, we tend to do a number of dishes as well, my DH who eats meat cooks a meat dish and I’ll cook something vegetarian.If someone has taken the trouble to cook a vegetarian dish when we go over to friends to eat, whether I like it or not I will absolutely always eat it.

@Whohashiddenthebiscuits

You seem a bit confused *@MasterBeth*, it’s ok for me to decide not to join in with the sharing as morally I don’t eat meat.. but at the same time I’m being anti social? Interesting!

No worries @AffIt. Both Saturdays I was the only non meat eater. When I’m cooking for guests at home, we tend to do a number of dishes as well, my DH who eats meat cooks a meat dish and I’ll cook something vegetarian.If someone has taken the trouble to cook a vegetarian dish when we go over to friends to eat, whether I like it or not I will absolutely always eat it.

Not confused. You do you.

Just, when you do, you clearly limit the opportunity of your friends to share food with you. You said it yourself - you felt a bit anti-social. That’s because it is, a bit.

You're not alone, OP. I hate sharing food. Luckily, so do my friends! There's never even a question of sharing anything when we go out - well, maybe the bread basket, but that's it!

No - you are absolutely right, as you say above it would really be better every time I go out with friends I should insist we eat at vegetarian restaurants just so they can share the pleasure of eating whatever I eat. That would be completely acceptable, nothing off about that. 🤫.

Still coming across confused. You either don’t actually believe it’s ok if you don’t eat the same food for moral reasons in which case it’s anti social, despite what you’ve written.. or you do believe it’s ok and therefore the whole it’s still anti social stance doesn’t make sense.

As a vegetarian, I'm happy to try lots of different dishes and share them with veggie friends and family. Not in other circumstances, where the disadvantages have been outlined several times already. And not even out with DH, who isn't so much a hoover as a ruddy great black hole.

God, what a fuss!

Just say “if you all want xxx too, order an extra portion because I’m warning you now that I will eat the whole of one portion, and nothing else!”

I am the opposite. I love eating lots of different things. I can never decide on what I want to eat so sharing meals are my idea of heaven. I have absolutely no problem if someone doesn't want to do that though
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I'm not really sure what the problem is op. You say your friends were fine with you having your own dishes and they shared theirs . Where is the problem?

If the question is , were you being unreasonable then YADNBU but neither were the people who wanted to share with others. I suppose the problem would happened there were only two of you but in that case the non sharer trumps the person who would like to share IMO. Otherwise whoever wants to share can ( if they can find at least one other who wants to share ) and anyone who doesn't want to doesn't have to. It isn't that complicated or any reason for angst

Actually, a more realistic scenario in my friend circle is that with a Chinese or Indian meal we each order our own dish. Having taken what we want, what is left can then be sampled by everyone else. Don’t really understand how it works otherwise - do you deliberately have to choose something you don’t particularly like just to ensure there is a mix of stuff, or do you end up with (for example) eight different beef dishes?

Or you could leave it to @MasterBeth to choose all the dishes, thus putting their controlling urges to good use while the rest of us get on with actual socialising, which has no bearing on what food we may have chosen.

@Whohashiddenthebiscuits

No - you are absolutely right, as you say above it would really be better every time I go out with friends I should insist we eat at vegetarian restaurants just so they can share the pleasure of eating whatever I eat. That would be completely acceptable, nothing off about that. 🤫.

Still coming across confused. You either don’t actually believe it’s ok if you don’t eat the same food for moral reasons in which case it’s anti social, despite what you’ve written.. or you do believe it’s ok and therefore the whole it’s still anti social stance doesn’t make sense.

Nope, you shouldn’t insist, but it would be kind of your friends to offer so that you don’t feel anti-social, which you have stated several times that you did.

It’s morally fine to do what you like, but by choosing to do that, there are consequences. Something can be morally very upstanding, yet anti-social. I could choose to be a very strict vegan who wouldn’t enter a house where meat was being served. It’s morally very principled, but it might be very anti-social at Christmas when I can’t go round to my grandma’s turkey dinner.

@MrsFezziwig

Actually, a more realistic scenario in my friend circle is that with a Chinese or Indian meal we each order our own dish. Having taken what we want, what is left can then be sampled by everyone else. Don’t really understand how it works otherwise - do you deliberately have to choose something you don’t particularly like just to ensure there is a mix of stuff, or do you end up with (for example) eight different beef dishes?

Or you could leave it to @MasterBeth to choose all the dishes, thus putting their controlling urges to good use while the rest of us get on with actual socialising, which has no bearing on what food we may have chosen.

You could choose all the dishes. I am not a fussy eater.

Just like Joey, I don't share either.
Stab those thieving hands with your fork.
The only time I have ever shared is, Pizza with Dh it was about 30 inches across and amazing. Or with my Mum. The rest can get their own food, my kids like their own food too.

Fussy eaters ordering their one thing for themselves spoil the occasion.

Whereas it’s entirely pleasant and social to expect ‘fussy’ eaters to enjoy their own meal less or not at all so you get what you want? I understand you might really love sharing, but it’s not antisocial to want your own. Whereas it is pretty antisocial to expect someone who really doesn’t like it to share. Why does your enjoyment trump theirs?

I actually find the stress some posters have placed on sharing the same food a bit odd. The vast majority of meals out I’ve had with friends have involved everyone ordering for themselves - even tapas! And when we do share, it’s been no big thing for friends to understand that some might order something just for themselves. Nor would it occur to me that Chinese food (for example) must be shared - I’m not in China or (usually) eating with Chinese people, after all.

So all the non sharers only eat their own food.
Or do you nick the spring roll.
Is it a one way street?

Well, yes, everyone who doesn’t join in spoils it a bit. It’s a bit anti-social. The pleasure is in the sharing of the food, the communality of the food, the conversation around the food.

I'd much rather everyone eat what they actually like and talk about interesting things. Talking about food is boring. Everyone double dipping their spoons is gross. Having to pass a dish halfway down the table or not want to take too much rice so nobody's left without is irritating.

I just can't see how a meal where you have to share food can possibly be enjoyable in any way.

Maybe get some less gross friends? And order enough food for all of them?

I don't mind sharing at all but also happy to accommodate fussy people. I used to do the same when I was a kid

In our normal circle that go out for meals we don't have any though

@MasterBeth

Maybe get some less gross friends? And order enough food for all of them?

You know the easiest way of ordering enough for everyone? Ordering what you want. Clearly this is your hill...

And I don't think it's anti social to not want to share, some people just like eating particular things. We do talk about the food obviously but it's rarely the main focus of conversation and I don't have to have eaten what someone else is talking about. When we go to restaurants that serve non communal starter/main/desert style food you don't expect to try everything and you're still interested in what other people are eating

I can't imagine going out with friends being stressy like some people are describing