To not want to DP a percentage of my business..
purpleroses100 · 23/01/2022 11:03
This is a complicated one...been with DP for 2 and a half years. When I met him, I was new to a niche and exploring it. He was already in the field and that along with many other things was part of the attraction for both of us. He was teaching others how to do this niche but on a very small scale when he met me. I've got marketing and a lot of working history and was also a uni lecturer so have formalised the teaching and structured the curriculum and just made it better as well as built out marketing.
After a while, I started teaching too, it made sense. However, my business took off more as I do more to promote. I've guided him through this and supported but I can't do it for him and he hasn't met me halfway. He's a bit bitter because I'm getting more clients in and wants a commission out of every client I get as I'm 'competiton'. My view on this is that you don't charge your partner commission you are happy that they are able to pay their bills and care for their children - especially when they are also helping you with your business and helping it to scale. I also feel like if he's charging me for his help, I should then be able to charge him for my marketing/business support - he doesn't really agree with this but agrees that he does need help with that. I have to do a lot of work with these clients and his workload doesn't increase the more clients I get so why get a commission?
We are 100% financially separate. I live alone and he stays more than half the week but doesn't pay bills or anything. He will get food and contributes for food shop but I don't feel like this is enough.
Because of that, I'm feeling resentful about commission thing I feel like as he is wayyyy better off than me with less outgoings, and wants to build a future with me, he shouldn't be charging me...I recognise the value he brings it don't feel like he recognises or values what I bring - because he hasn't engaged with it properly but has seen the results I get by doing what I've tried to get him to do.
I don't know what's right or wrong in this situation. I'm feeling more resentful everyday. He's a lovely guy in all other aspects but finances is a big deal for me. I was made redundant last year so this is what's allowing me to survive!
AIBU? Am I selfish?
Onthefloor2 · 23/01/2022 11:05
He wouldn’t give you commission if it was the other way around, the thought wouldn’t have even entered his head.
Don’t do it!
GinIronic · 23/01/2022 11:06
Nope. You are not selfish - he is. You do all the work and he wants commission? No again. Tell him to work harder. CF.
purpleroses100 · 23/01/2022 11:08
Just to make sure I'm giving all background, if I didn't have him there, I wouldn't be doing this business as his support gives me confidence and his expertise.
ChocolateCakeYum · 23/01/2022 11:09
You’re not being selfish. He is. He’s being extremely selfish and money grubbing. He’s just jealous. Do not give him a penny.
HollowTalk · 23/01/2022 11:09
It's hard for me to understand this without knowing what the business is. Are you saying that if you two split up now that you could no longer run your business successfully?
Palavah · 23/01/2022 11:10
Why does he think he's entitled to commission?
Is he ringing round all his other competitors asking for a slice from them too??
It sounds as though if he wants to grow his business he needs to market it better. He can pay you for that or someone else.
Beginit · 23/01/2022 11:10
Why do you call him dp if you are clearly not partners even though you have kids together?
Santahasjoinedww · 23/01/2022 11:12
You really don't need him op.
MangoBiscuit · 23/01/2022 11:13
From a purely business based perspective...
What has he actually done to pull in each and every one of those clients? Has he supplied you with analytics? Given you leads? Sent emails for you? If not, then I don't think he's earnt any commission.
If he wants paying based on the help he's given you on getting in to the field, then surely that would have been a one off single payment, for training as it were. In which case, he surely owes you the same for your help with marketing. (The fact he hasn't bothered to use this is irrelevant)
From a relationship perspective, he sounds very bitter that you have done better than him, and that somehow is entitled to be the one doing better, and now you have to pay him for the audacity of getting above your station! I would be having a proper talk with him about why he thinks he's entitled to commission, but I sure as hell wouldn't be paying him a penny.
purpleroses100 · 23/01/2022 11:14
Kids aren't his.
I could run it without him but I'd find a mentor instead or just a service to give me that support when I need it...
FFSFFSFFS · 23/01/2022 11:14
Is it basically his ip that you are making money from?
Trisolaris · 23/01/2022 11:16
Even if you were to give him something it shouldn’t be a commission, it should be a flat at me off hourly fee for his advice. In return he should be paying you for your marketing advice.
In reality, he’s your partner and most people don’t charge their partners or resent them for being successful.
MangoBiscuit · 23/01/2022 11:16
In that case OP, do you think his mentoring an support are worthy of being a paid service? If so, maybe a discussion about what that would look like, but also about household contributions, and payment for your help to him. Of course, that's all dependant on whether you'd be happy with a transactional relationship.
Palavah · 23/01/2022 11:16
So has he taught you some of this/provided consultancy to you on the business? You OP made it sound like he'd had nothing to do with it.
purpleroses100 · 23/01/2022 11:17
@mangobiscuit - no he hasn't help with leads or emails - that's all me.
His help has been to teach me stuff initially when I was still new to the subject and he's there if I have questions from clients that I'm not so experienced in.
I'm very good at what I do and I've taught myself a lot - beyond what he taught me. As I created the curriculum and teaching materials this added to my knowledge ans I've grown my own network in this area...
CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/01/2022 11:17
Wait. You have a successful business and you support him in his business as well as him supporting you in yours?
Why do you think that makes you beholden to him? Why give his daft request brain space?
He uses your home and facilities as his. He uses your area of expertise as his. Now he wants to use your earnings as his?
At best he gets offered one long conversation about respect, mutual support and the realities of equality.
At worst you tell him to piss off - away from your business and your relationship.
What do YOU want to happen?
RandomMess · 23/01/2022 11:20
Well you gave him your knowledge and expertise that he has chosen not to follow up on.
I would draw a line in the sand and from now on you will pay him a fixed fee when you come to him for expertise and if he wants help from you then you charge him.
purpleroses100 · 23/01/2022 11:21
@ffs - yes it's kind of his IP...however, I have improved what he first had when we met and the curriculum is way better thanks to me. I've added to it, branded it and come up with new ways to get clients in - he just doesn't do it so doesn't get the same results.
We have talked about him paying me and he did agree. I lowered my hourly rate to £10 p/h which doesn't motivate me to do it and I'm worth a lot more. And can spend an hour on my business and make more than that....I don't feel right charging him tbh that's why I lowered rate but then I feel resentful and prioritise my work over his...he also doesn't actually pay me, we just deduct it from the commission I pay him...again this grates on me..
purpleroses100 · 23/01/2022 11:25
And just to make it clear, he 100% adds value and he is much more knowledgeable than me in this. However, the business side he is not so good in and I don't feel like he understand that both parts are essential to a successful business. He's very fixated on the fact that 'he brought the table' so should get a commission - but the business/marketing side is what gets the clients in but he doesn't value that as much, I don't think....
Iamnotamermaid · 23/01/2022 11:25
So your DP is a SME in this niche and spent time and effort helping you develop the technical skills whilst teaching on a small scale. This, combined with teaching and marketing expertise, has enabled you to scale up quickly & gain a bigger market share of clients than your DP.
You have tried to help him with marketing and teaching his enterprise but he is not really taking this on board? So you are teaching more clients than him and now he wants a share of your commission as he helped develop your skills & confidence within this niche?
I would say nope - but it would make more sense to combine your efforts and work together rather than as competitors.
honeylulu · 23/01/2022 11:25
What has he actually done to contribute to the support and growth of your business (apart from giving you the idea that teaching it could be a worthwhile opportunity)? You have assisted him with teaching and marketing (and still do if I'm understanding correctly) but what is he actually doing for you apart from running up bills in your house and whinging?
If he's making a valuable contribution to your business then your contribution surely cancels out anything you might "owe" him. But if he's not then the answer is if anyone owes the other it's him! And while he's at it he can contribute to your bills if he's not a cocklodger.
And yes I agree that partners should support and be happy for each other, but it's a point that he brought up "owing money", hence my comments above.
CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/01/2022 11:26
So again you give and give and he takes.
Just stop it. Now! You have built a business. He doesn't own the idea, has nothing protected in law, I presume. So he is quite literally browbeating you into paying him to be a helpful boyfriend.
wildseas · 23/01/2022 11:27
I think that I would refuse the commission thing on the basis that he isn’t sending you clients.
I would stop using him as any sort of mentor/teacher/support and I would pay for that externally if I needed it.
I would completely separate any business interests from each other- clearly you have very different ideas here and (without wanting to be judgemental) you are better at this.
I would then have a proper conversation with him about how many hours each of you have spent helping the other get started (the fact he ignored your help is irrelevant) and if the number of hours is significantly different I would recognise that either financially or with some more hours around marketing. He doesn’t get to value your time differently than his.
Finally, I would make sure that he is really contributing to your personal life together financially, emotionally etc on an equal level. Because I have a sneaking suspicion that the thing upsetting you here is the unfairness rather than the money.
honeylulu · 23/01/2022 11:27
Sorry just seen that you acknowledge he has shared knowledge and experience with you so not "nothing".
whatwasIgoingtosay · 23/01/2022 11:28
If you took the romantic (such as it is) side out of the equation and looked at this simply through the prism of a person you met with whom you've started a business relationship for your mutual benefit, what would the financials etc look like then? Would you feel you're being screwed over by this person? Would you cut the links and find yourself a mentor?
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