To not want to DP a percentage of my business..

[purpleroses100]

This is a complicated one...been with DP for 2 and a half years. When I met him, I was new to a niche and exploring it. He was already in the field and that along with many other things was part of the attraction for both of us. He was teaching others how to do this niche but on a very small scale when he met me. I've got marketing and a lot of working history and was also a uni lecturer so have formalised the teaching and structured the curriculum and just made it better as well as built out marketing.

After a while, I started teaching too, it made sense. However, my business took off more as I do more to promote. I've guided him through this and supported but I can't do it for him and he hasn't met me halfway. He's a bit bitter because I'm getting more clients in and wants a commission out of every client I get as I'm 'competiton'. My view on this is that you don't charge your partner commission you are happy that they are able to pay their bills and care for their children - especially when they are also helping you with your business and helping it to scale. I also feel like if he's charging me for his help, I should then be able to charge him for my marketing/business support - he doesn't really agree with this but agrees that he does need help with that. I have to do a lot of work with these clients and his workload doesn't increase the more clients I get so why get a commission?

We are 100% financially separate. I live alone and he stays more than half the week but doesn't pay bills or anything. He will get food and contributes for food shop but I don't feel like this is enough.

Because of that, I'm feeling resentful about commission thing I feel like as he is wayyyy better off than me with less outgoings, and wants to build a future with me, he shouldn't be charging me...I recognise the value he brings it don't feel like he recognises or values what I bring - because he hasn't engaged with it properly but has seen the results I get by doing what I've tried to get him to do.

I don't know what's right or wrong in this situation. I'm feeling more resentful everyday. He's a lovely guy in all other aspects but finances is a big deal for me. I was made redundant last year so this is what's allowing me to survive!

AIBU? Am I selfish?

[BlondeDogLady]

He's a bit bitter because I'm getting more clients in and wants a commission out of every client I get as I'm 'competiton'

Eh?

[ChargingBuck]

@FreedomFaith

Wait, are you running an mlm? Is that what your business is?

No.

OP said that continuing to pay her b/f the commission he's demanding for business he did fuck-all to win would resemble an MLM model - in that it would drain her margins in a similar way.

She's saying she does not want that.
So is any PP with a shred of business nous, sisterly feeling, & red-flag-spotting ability

[erinaceus]

@purpleroses100

Kids aren't his.

I could run it without him but I'd find a mentor instead or just a service to give me that support when I need it...

The situation sounds really messy.

If you plan to be a couple in the long term, would the businesses be more successful overall if you went all-in and combined them together?

Otherwise, I would be inclined to run it without him and get a mentor instead. I think you will be better served if you either go all-in together or separate the situation out. Cross-charging each other whilst staying in a relationship does not sound like a route towards happiness, especially when you mention things like holding some money back and not telling him -- that does not sound healthy.

[didihearthatright123456]

My first thought was wow what a cheeky fucker!

[Oblomov22]

Why are you here op? why have you started a thread - you're not listening to anything that anyone is saying to you. You clearly aren't ready to hear it. Why haven't you upon recommendation of at least five posters said yes posters you are completely correct I will look at trying to find a new mentor as of tomorrow?

[ChargingBuck]

@delilahbucket

Who actually owns the business? Do you both have your own, a 50/50 partnership or some other set up? Because it sounds like you've come along, nicked his ideas, set up your own business and done better just because you have more acumen. Now in the business world, while a shitty thing to do to a competitor (which is essentially what he is to you), it happens a lot. Not something you would do to someone you call your partner though. Business and personal relationships should not be mixed for this reason. It never ends well. I can see where he is coming from and why he's annoyed by it, even if he is being unreasonable in not growing his own business.

She paid for the ideas @delilahbucket, in a perfectly up-front & professionally acceptable agreement. Which, btw, was all at her b/f's suggestion.

He's just butt-hurt that she's now producing more revenue than he is.

Despite the fact that he didn't pay the same for her expertise, doesn't listen when it's offered, & is now whinging to be given free money for clients he didn't win, doesn't manage, & are fuck-all to do with him.

[HappyintheHills]

He doesn’t value your expertise although you value his?
He only values the food component whilst living with you most of the week for free?
Now he can see the future of your niche business not really challenging his any more, so demands a cut.
That’s not really a partner

[MrsWooster]

If you two weren’t in a romantic relationship, but simply business, would you think it was fair to pay commission? Would you offer a business mentor deeply sis punted marketing advice AND pay commission?

If you were only in a romantic relationship, would you think it fair that he stays over half the time but doesn’t contribute?
None of these things seem fair from outside, and I wonder why you are going along with it…

[MrsWooster]

Discounted!

[me4real]

No way @purpleroses100 . That's ridiculous. He's manipulative, and a bit of a grifter.

Also part of it is he doesn't value you and your skills. If he did, then you paying him more wouldn't make sense as what you do for each other would be equal so it'd balance itself out and there'd be nothing to pay. Plus, that's what most people would do in a relationship anyway, within reason.

It all sounds very petty and resentful of him, as well as manipulative.

[ShinyHappyPoster]

It sounds as though you're complaining he doesn't value your contribution whilst you devalue his. You had transferable skills but he has niche specific skills and experience. You wouldn't be in this field if it wasn't for him. You can't run your business without someone giving you the mentoring support that he gives you.
If it sounded like you liked each other and were in this for the long haul then I'd suggest you set up a limited company together where you each take a salary. If there is another product you want to launch separately then you do that under a separate business and you don't lean on his support.
But to be arguing and nitpicking and not valuing each other at this stage - I don't think this relationship is going to work.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

No you absolutely shouldn’t. He has your expertise on tap. Plus you feed and accommodate him part of the week. A decent partner would be happy to see you doing well. No wonder you’re having these mixed emotions.

[godmum56]

To me that doesn't sound like he wants to build a relationship......I worked in the NHS and my late DH worked in a global company at a senior level. He took time to teach me LOADS of stuff so that I could develop my job and get promotions and pay rises. The proudest I have ever seen him was when I went to a local business dinner with him and one of the other people there said "hang on.....are you (my real name) are you the one who set up (new service name?) You did wonders for my Mum....then someone else who was a nurse in the same field called her friend over and said excitedly "its godmum56....you know, the one who designed and set up (service name) and I was mini mobbed!
Of course we benefitted from my increased salary but did he expect or ask for a penny for all his support and training? of course he didn't!

[RandomMess]

How did the others pay him for this niche training?

If you paid the same as them it's done, he doesn't get to charge your more for it than them.

Just say "no" I paid you £x the same as everyone else, my business success is down to my marketing and business skills not the fact you taught me Y.

Just get a mentor and be done with him.

[affairsofdragons]

I'd be done with him. He wants his to be his, and yours to be shared. While he spends half of his time at yours, adding to your own costs and not contributing.

He's selfish and self-centered.

I'd be rid. Get a mentor when for those times you need a bit of support.

[Eddielzzard]

Well his hold on your business seems to be his knowledge / IP which you're occasionally still relying on. Doesn't sound like he feels he's been properly compensated for that. I personally would stop helping him unless he specifically asks for it. You can't value help if you don't want it. Is he actually asking for your help?

I would ask him what he feels his IP is worth, and how he can be fairly compensated for that. A commission isn't fair because he isn't helping you put in the work to find these clients, and it also sounds like you have put a lot of work into tailoring his IP to be gender specific. So that needs to be taken into account too.

IOW, you do need to compensate him adequately for his part in your business, and while you feel you're helping him in your expertise, he doesn't feel that's equivalent. So you need to work out what is fair on both sides. Resentment = unfair.

[C8H10N4O2]

Just want to say, he is the best partner I've had, kind. Emotionally supportive etc, just when it comes to finance and business, we clash in our opinions

I'm struggling to see "supportive" in someone who exaggerates their own contribution and demands payment whilst playing down the value of your business and marketing skills. How much is he paying you for those?

What I'm actually seeing is the well trodden pattern of a man dismissing the woman's contribution and overstating his own. If he has more actual knowledge then its your skills which have made you more successful.

How much is he paying you for business consulting?

[100Cause0ftheSauce]

If he wanted commission, he should have thought of this at the very beginning of helping you start your business. I'm thinking something similar to a Dragons Den deal. Just because you are successful, it doesn't mean that he can now demand commission.

I would advise saying, NO !

[Honeyroar]

@purpleroses100

Kids aren't his.

I could run it without him but I'd find a mentor instead or just a service to give me that support when I need it...

Then I guess he’s saved you from paying someone else?? So does he have a point?
(I have no idea, but when you said you couldn’t do it without him it changed my view a bit, previously I thought absolutely not..)

[Maclary111]

He’s a money grabber. He is taking money away from you by living at your house and also taking your earnings away from your kids. He is telling you very clearly who he is, please listen.

If he listened to your ideas he would have to do more work. The easy route is to make you feel bad so you pay him. Less work for him.

[Branleuse]

loads of people have amazing knowledge and skills but zero idea how to make an income out of it. If he wanted to do a business together and combine skills and money, then should have said that a lot earlier.

[EmmaH2022]

@purpleroses100

Just to make sure I'm giving all background, if I didn't have him there, I wouldn't be doing this business as his support gives me confidence and his expertise.

I'm confused

He's given you professional advice?

Would he do that for someone else?

And you give him professional advice? Doesn't it just cancel out?

[inheritancetrack]

You would be crazy to give him anything. keep the financial separation he sounds awful.

[ReadySteadyTwins]

Run a fucking mile.

You are so determined to argue in his favour, that you won't. And in approximately 3yrs from now when there's a joint child/he's moved in/you're married, you'll be wishing to God you'd listened to all the good advice on this thread.

[purpleroses100]

Thank you all for the feedback! Majority is in line with how I feel......it does get sticky because yes he helped me to learn more about this subject but knowing me.........I'd have figured it out anyway at some point!

I have booked in us for relationship counselling where we can raise these issues up and get help to work through them.

I won't be doing the commission anymore but will propose that we charge each other for our time if he is insistent that he has to charge.

You don't charge your partner for stuff! That's my thinking but he doesn't agree.

And as much as I do get upset that he doesn't contribute as much as I feel he should, the silver lining is that I am not financially dependent on anyone! I would love a proper partnership though.

To PP that said I've ripped off his business and IP - I used to freelance helping people start and grow businesses...he's had me in-house for two years...he had 2 clients when I met him and well over 50 now. I've rebranded him and he has learnt from how I deliver sessions. I definitely bring value whether he credits me or not! He encouraged me to do this, it made sense based on my history and I was stuck in my career. When I started to do well, his resentment came in....