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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to DP a percentage of my business..

233 replies

purpleroses100 · 23/01/2022 11:03

This is a complicated one...been with DP for 2 and a half years. When I met him, I was new to a niche and exploring it. He was already in the field and that along with many other things was part of the attraction for both of us. He was teaching others how to do this niche but on a very small scale when he met me. I've got marketing and a lot of working history and was also a uni lecturer so have formalised the teaching and structured the curriculum and just made it better as well as built out marketing.

After a while, I started teaching too, it made sense. However, my business took off more as I do more to promote. I've guided him through this and supported but I can't do it for him and he hasn't met me halfway. He's a bit bitter because I'm getting more clients in and wants a commission out of every client I get as I'm 'competiton'. My view on this is that you don't charge your partner commission you are happy that they are able to pay their bills and care for their children - especially when they are also helping you with your business and helping it to scale. I also feel like if he's charging me for his help, I should then be able to charge him for my marketing/business support - he doesn't really agree with this but agrees that he does need help with that. I have to do a lot of work with these clients and his workload doesn't increase the more clients I get so why get a commission?

We are 100% financially separate. I live alone and he stays more than half the week but doesn't pay bills or anything. He will get food and contributes for food shop but I don't feel like this is enough.

Because of that, I'm feeling resentful about commission thing I feel like as he is wayyyy better off than me with less outgoings, and wants to build a future with me, he shouldn't be charging me...I recognise the value he brings it don't feel like he recognises or values what I bring - because he hasn't engaged with it properly but has seen the results I get by doing what I've tried to get him to do.

I don't know what's right or wrong in this situation. I'm feeling more resentful everyday. He's a lovely guy in all other aspects but finances is a big deal for me. I was made redundant last year so this is what's allowing me to survive!

AIBU? Am I selfish?

OP posts:
Pumpkinpatch22 · 23/01/2022 11:51

I can’t be the only one wondering what on earth this business is? I have similar qualifications to you and wondered if I could do it too 🤔

Wiredforsound · 23/01/2022 11:51

Why don’t you set up an internal market where you either pay each other for consultancy, or you hire each other x hours a week to work on each other’s business. £10 an hour is barely above living wage and you’re obviously doing something specialist so work out what your hourly rate would be as a consultant and pay that. Paying him a commission because he taught you is nonsense. If that was routine we’d be paying our teachers and lecturers for life.

Bywayofanupdate · 23/01/2022 11:51

I don't think I would have ever gone into competition against my partners business in the first place but as you already have, I wouldn't expect to pay commission. If you are otherwise happy together could you not consider merging your skills and businesses?

RealBecca · 23/01/2022 11:53

OMFG I think you're mad to even consider giving up a % when you have kids and have worked so hard. A partner would given you the support and be throllednots going well, not get resentful and try to back charge you!!!! What on earth would he be like to live with or have kids with!?! He doesnt want to lose a penny he thinks he should be owed. If you move in well he want you to pay more becaus of your kids? Pay more for the holiday he wants? No no no!

Aquamarine1029 · 23/01/2022 11:53

He's not the "best" partner. Get rid of him.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/01/2022 11:54

No way, no commission. Maybe a one off fee for what he did but not endless commission. And it seems you’ve more than paid that already with commissions plus “helping him out”.

Honestly I’d be quite fed up with him overall! He sounds quite grabby and stingy at the same time.

GabriellaMontez · 23/01/2022 11:55

@ChargingBuck is literally spot on.

Doesn't acknowledge the actual, real day to day running costs that he incurs. (Ever mentioned this? )

Do you think he 'hasn't noticed' the savings he makes every week? But is astute enough to request commission for clients that he didn't get.

RandomMess · 23/01/2022 11:56

He can't force you to pay him commission however what would happen if he refused to help when you needed his expertise?

He sounds jealous and miserly.

Time to start saying he needs to contribute to your household bills or stop eating & showering at yours.

ExtraOnion · 23/01/2022 11:58

I am also trying with work out “the Business”

It’s a Gender (sex??) specific educational product, that much we know.

… what do women need to know, that men don’t, however as women we need to be educated in this thing ??

Hope it’s not any MLM pish

Best guesses???

Original poster
purpleroses100 · 23/01/2022 11:59

@Bywayofanupdate he was very encouraging of me getting into it...said he saw me teaching too..

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 23/01/2022 11:59

So he set up a business, he then guided you to setting up a rival business, and now you're caught in a tit for tat over who pays whom for what?

Original poster
purpleroses100 · 23/01/2022 12:01

@chargingbuck - there is truth in what you're saying....I go over and beyond and I'm a bit more business savvy...I share all my initiatives with him but he doesn't do it! I white label all my stuff for him to use for free also. I owe him a lot....but not commission and if he properly listened to me, he'd likely have the success too

OP posts:
tara66 · 23/01/2022 12:02

If you pay him a commission on all your sales - how will he know what they are? It means he will probably know who all your clients are too. Why does he know how much you are making anyway - don't tell him.

Oblomov22 · 23/01/2022 12:03

"his support gives me confidence".

Do you lack confidence generally?

Have you taken business advice/ life coach advice, re Where your business is, and where you want it to get to, and how you're going to get it there?

Bet if you did, advisor wouldn't recommend anything more to do with him!

ChargingBuck · 23/01/2022 12:04

Ideally we would be in business together

Get your head out of the sand Purple.

This would be ideal FOR HIM, & disastrous for you.

Look at how he ignored your expertise, refused to put in any marketing effort, but decided that rather than bother with his own marketing, he'd simply put in a claim for a % of yours.

He will never listen, never contribute equally, & will want the lion's share of the rewards.

And when you get fed up & want to exit the relationship - what then? You'd want to stay in business with an Ex?

Upthread, you claimed to "need" his expertise, but then said you could manage without, you'd just factor in an external mentor.
I recommend that you do this.
Separate the business from the personal.
Detach your 2 businesses, keep them separate, & hire in any help you need.
It will do your confidence the power of good, get rid of this ridiculous argument, & leave you both free to focus on the personal element of your relationship.

I this was me, I'd dump him for reasons mentioned in my previous post - his territorialism over my business would concern me professionally, & turn me off personally.
You may not want to do that - but you need to get shot of his interference in & sense of ownership of YOUR independent business. Please do it, & do it soon.

Original poster
purpleroses100 · 23/01/2022 12:05

I don't have to tell him how many clients I get and he wouldn't know...I'm quite an honest person so I tell him and send him the cash immediately....

I have considered just keeping some back and not telling him but then what kind of relationship is this?

OP posts:
caringcarer · 23/01/2022 12:05

You hit the nail on the head. He is not on your team he sees himself as your competitor. Not much of a relationship.

ChargingBuck · 23/01/2022 12:07

he's so set on it and his reasoning is that he has spent years learning this... not as many years as I have spent learning my crafts tho....that goes unnoticed by him

Exactly, Purple.
He will never "allow" you the credit that you have earned.
He needs to be perceived as senior to you.
He feels entitled to your earnings.
He will not acknowledge your expertise.

Logically, you know what to do.
You are just clouded by the complication of the romantic entanglement.

Bringsexyback · 23/01/2022 12:08

He’s an absolute prick, get rid of him he’ll be the kind of man who when you’re stood in clarks explaining quietly as you possibly can that yes the children do need a pair of school shoes and a pair of trainers to wear when they’re not at school will tut loudly and mutter about how you wanted them you pay for them. We heard that a lot in the children’s department.

Muchmorethan · 23/01/2022 12:10

What's IP?

I think him staying over as much is also the issue

RandomMess · 23/01/2022 12:10

Just stop paying it.

Tell him that you've already paid £x for his help and he has ignored all your business help and if he followed it he'd be making more than you.

FreedomFaith · 23/01/2022 12:11

Wait, are you running an mlm? Is that what your business is?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/01/2022 12:12

he’ll be the kind of man who when you’re stood in clarks explaining quietly as you possibly can that yes the children do need a pair of school shoes and a pair of trainers to wear when they’re not at school will tut loudly and mutter about how you wanted them you pay for them. We heard that a lot in the children’s department.

This is so sad but I can well believe it.

I’d also be getting rid of him OP

RandomMess · 23/01/2022 12:15

Of course the obvious thing is instead of sending him cash simply say, that can be your contribution to the food and utilities for the week 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Would you be better off if you did that?

delilahbucket · 23/01/2022 12:15

Who actually owns the business? Do you both have your own, a 50/50 partnership or some other set up? Because it sounds like you've come along, nicked his ideas, set up your own business and done better just because you have more acumen. Now in the business world, while a shitty thing to do to a competitor (which is essentially what he is to you), it happens a lot. Not something you would do to someone you call your partner though. Business and personal relationships should not be mixed for this reason. It never ends well. I can see where he is coming from and why he's annoyed by it, even if he is being unreasonable in not growing his own business.