To not want to DP a percentage of my business..

[purpleroses100]

This is a complicated one...been with DP for 2 and a half years. When I met him, I was new to a niche and exploring it. He was already in the field and that along with many other things was part of the attraction for both of us. He was teaching others how to do this niche but on a very small scale when he met me. I've got marketing and a lot of working history and was also a uni lecturer so have formalised the teaching and structured the curriculum and just made it better as well as built out marketing.

After a while, I started teaching too, it made sense. However, my business took off more as I do more to promote. I've guided him through this and supported but I can't do it for him and he hasn't met me halfway. He's a bit bitter because I'm getting more clients in and wants a commission out of every client I get as I'm 'competiton'. My view on this is that you don't charge your partner commission you are happy that they are able to pay their bills and care for their children - especially when they are also helping you with your business and helping it to scale. I also feel like if he's charging me for his help, I should then be able to charge him for my marketing/business support - he doesn't really agree with this but agrees that he does need help with that. I have to do a lot of work with these clients and his workload doesn't increase the more clients I get so why get a commission?

We are 100% financially separate. I live alone and he stays more than half the week but doesn't pay bills or anything. He will get food and contributes for food shop but I don't feel like this is enough.

Because of that, I'm feeling resentful about commission thing I feel like as he is wayyyy better off than me with less outgoings, and wants to build a future with me, he shouldn't be charging me...I recognise the value he brings it don't feel like he recognises or values what I bring - because he hasn't engaged with it properly but has seen the results I get by doing what I've tried to get him to do.

I don't know what's right or wrong in this situation. I'm feeling more resentful everyday. He's a lovely guy in all other aspects but finances is a big deal for me. I was made redundant last year so this is what's allowing me to survive!

AIBU? Am I selfish?

[ChargingBuck]

We've actually had an idea for a joint business that ties in with what we are doing but I'm hesitant to actually start the business as I think he will want more % than me or half but I'll be doing most the work....


Wowsers, what a surprise. Not.
He's playing you, Purple.

Run for the hills. If you can't find it within yourself to ditch this "supportive" man, at least make a totally clean separation of your businesses, & never use his 'consultancy' again.

[Fatmax22]

Sod this! You've helped each other over time - that's what partners do. Like hell would I give him commission or get into charging hourly rates. (£20 per hour - not a realistic rate btw). This would make me question the relationship, however nice he is in other ways.

[justasking111]

@purpleroses100

Just to make sure I'm giving all background, if I didn't have him there, I wouldn't be doing this business as his support gives me confidence and his expertise.

So he is a partner then??

[ChargingBuck]

I feel like I need the counsellor to break down how I feel or just someone who is neutral to show him I'm not being unreasonable!

Get some counselling then - sounds ideal.
But - for the love of all that's holy - go SOLO.

[Mix56]

So you help him for free.
& he helps you but wants paying for it
He is given advice (for free) doesn't act on it & wants paying because you are more successful
He stays & eats at your house & doesn't participate
He makes more than you, and you have dependents...

What would he say if you said "OK, I wont ask you for any more support I'll get it elsewhere." ?

[NoSquirrels]

@Iamnotamermaid

So your DP is a SME in this niche and spent time and effort helping you develop the technical skills whilst teaching on a small scale. This, combined with teaching and marketing expertise, has enabled you to scale up quickly & gain a bigger market share of clients than your DP.

You have tried to help him with marketing and teaching his enterprise but he is not really taking this on board? So you are teaching more clients than him and now he wants a share of your commission as he helped develop your skills & confidence within this niche?

I would say nope - but it would make more sense to combine your efforts and work together rather than as competitors.

I agree with this. It sounds like you complement each other’s skill set, so formalise the arrangement through a proper business set-up.

[justasking111]

@purpleroses100

Kids aren't his.

I could run it without him but I'd find a mentor instead or just a service to give me that support when I need it...

So you'd pay someone else??

[HollowTalk]

Just out of interest, when this man sits next to you and watches the news, and hears reports of massively rising power costs, does he ever, ever say something about contributing, given he's there 4+ days per week? No? I didn't think so.

[RandomMess]

You actually need to separate your businesses completely.

He is all about him, he is tarring you with the brush of his ex. He expects you to rip him off therefore he seems to think he is entitled to fleece you and you are letting him.

He's lazy isn't he? Doesn't want to work hard to build his business even though you've taught him what to do.

[TikTokCat]

This has big fat mess written all over it.

You need to separate your business as much as possible from your partner and only involve him in a chargeable fixed fee consultancy basis.

[NoSquirrels]

I won't be doing the commission anymore but will propose that we charge each other for our time if he is insistent that he has to charge.

This seems fair. You should both charge your regular rates, though, not some discounted mate’s rates thing.

[ChargingBuck]

[quote purpleroses100]@lemonswan he wouldn't give me half of his as he started this before I did and wouldn't deem that as fair..[/quote]
Started before you, & managed to win the grand total of TWO clients.

Once you began, & shared your marketing, teaching & start-up acumen, he gained another 48 clients.

Are you getting this yet, Purple?
You. Don't. Need. Him.

HE needs you, & is angling to get you without offering any commitment, fair shares, or equal respect. I've just seen your update about the co-habiting. Bullet dodged, but it all adds up to the same mindset from him doesn't it?
He wants to recruit you as his workhorse, bag all the credit, retain maximum 'ownership' for minimum input, & ensure that you earn less than him.

[Turkey98]

There is just one bit that is concerning OP - you indicated that your business is independent of his, but you have used his IP and improved upon it.

If I have read this correctly, then YABU.

If you have used anything of his IP in your business, then anything your business does that is derived from it - even if over time it is unrecognisable, is based on a license that he sets the terms of.

You are in effect a franchise - and you do need to pay him commission or whatever other terms he sets - your job is to do the whole business, but you have to pay for the license & he can stop licensing to you as well.

If you were a Burger King franchise and then decided to leave and use their IP as the basis of your own business model, then you would be in hot water as well.

If on the other hand he has freely given you information and advice but you have developed everything yourself from scratch - then that is different.

[Honeyroar]

@ChargingBuck

Then I guess he’s saved you from paying someone else??


Exactly the grateful tone I took with the man who mugged me in the street yesterday *@Honeyroar*.

I thanked him for his generosity in helping me not get mugged by someone else, & asked him his bank details so I could set up an ongoing commission from my future earnings.

Did you not notice the question marks? I’m glad you found it amusing. Not quite sure your comparison works really!🤷🏽
I was asking would she have to pay someone else if she didn’t use him?…

For what it’s worth, my husband has helped out in my new business no end over the last few months and hasn’t expected a penny. But I will have to employ someone to do it in the near future as I can’t expect him to keep helping forever.

[C8H10N4O2]

I gave him the chance to move in with me when I moved house and he didn't want to as he didn't want to pay half for stuff in case we split up down the line...he's been scorned before...

He is scorning you at the moment. Its all about him and his money isn't it?

Keep your finances and your businesses separate. Right now if you, with less experience, have grown your business larger and been more successful it suggests your skills are actually the higher value if 90% of his clients have come in due to your skills.

[Momijin]

Well you are continually using his expertise. I have a similar set up with a family member. Having his support and him being there in the background enables me to do my work and bring business in. Therefore he also gets a piece of the pie.

How much would it cost you to pay for his type of expertise if you were to find someone else?

[MananaTomorrow]

@purpleroses100

Just to make sure I'm giving all background, if I didn't have him there, I wouldn't be doing this business as his support gives me confidence and his expertise.

Sorry but you have a successful business.

If you needed support with expertise, you could buy that support.
If you need support with feeling confident in what you do, you could get a business coach etc….

Yes he is supporting you the same way than a partner should do but it in way means you wouldn’t have that business wo him no.

[Bringsexyback]

@ChargingBuck

I feel like I need the counsellor to break down how I feel or just someone who is neutral to show him I'm not being unreasonable!

Get some counselling then - sounds ideal.
But - for the love of all that's holy - go SOLO.

Relationship counselors do not point out unfairness or make anyone see anything. They guide you down a path and then theres a pause where they wait for the penny to drop. Often it doesnt. If the self-awareness isn’t there to begin with honestly you’ve got no chance. Don’t waste your money

[MananaTomorrow]

Fwiw I don’t think your issue is with the commission or how you’ve set your and his business etc…

Thé issue is that he is envious of your success when it looks like it’s coming so easily to you and it doesn’t to him.
He might be resentful if you are currently earning more than him too, with a similar business.
If he as a scarcity mindset, he will think that you’ve taken all the potential customers away from him and therefore he should have a slice of it because he has helped you (forgetting you have helped him too!).

The big issue here is that he doesn’t seem happy of your success.

[SheldonesqueTheBstard]

Just want to say, he is the best partner I've had, kind.

He is not.

If he was the best partner he would be super supportive.

Don’t give him commission.

Do not tie your businesses together.

If you must, charge eachother an hourly rate for advice.

But don’t kid yourself on that he’s a Prince because he isn’t.

[RandomMess]

If he's your best relationship seems like your previous ones were awful and likely abusive.

[Scout2016]

I don't understand how you are competition if your service is sex specific and his isn't. Would those customers realistically have gone to him instead of you? Is it so niche there's no alternative but him or you?
Either way I think asking for commission is taking the piss.

[justasking111]

@TikTokCat

This has big fat mess written all over it.

You need to separate your business as much as possible from your partner and only involve him in a chargeable fixed fee consultancy basis.

This if you require professional assistance pay him.

[venusandmars]

Irrespective of the business model, this sounds as though he values himself, his time, his skills, experience, knowledge, ideas - and he values them highly. He does not apply that to you, even though you know (and we can see) that you also have valuable skills, eperience etc.

This does not seem like an equal basis for a relationship. If you moved in together would he value his DIY skills and gardening time above your cooking and laundry? (for example). If you were settled and had a family would he value his income earning time above your mothering time? I bet he would.

More importantly though, why are you letting him place such unequal values on your respective contributions?

I think you should have counselling (on your own) to answer this question, and support to help you value every contribution you make. Get that sorted before you emark on couples counselling.

[SheldonesqueTheBstard]

I feel like I need the counsellor to break down how I feel or just someone who is neutral to show him I'm not being unreasonable!

You don’t need a counsellor.

You need running shoes.