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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you give your sister something in this situation?

273 replies

AlphaApple · 23/01/2022 08:49

To be clear I don't want or expect anything but my mum made a comment so I thought I would ask MN.

My sister worked for a start up that got bought by a multinational. Her shares were instantly worth £1.2m. She cashed in, left her job and walked into another, highly paid job.

My mum wondered if she had bunged me anything. I said no, I wouldn't want or expect anything (I am financially comfortable - not swimming in cash but enough to live the life I want). AIBU to think my sister's money is hers alone?

OP posts:
grey12 · 23/01/2022 11:25

@fluffythedragonslayer I totally agree with @Goldbar

It is sad you don't feel comfortable being open with your sister and that you expect such hostility from her Sad in my family we help people who are struggling. DH helped pay for the university education of a cousin because his parents couldn't afford it (in another country so no loans available), for example

Viviennemary · 23/01/2022 11:26

I think she should have given you something. Even bought you a piece of jewellery. Bit mean not to but up to her.

SkiingIsHeaven · 23/01/2022 11:27

I wouldn't expect to receive any money from my siblings. My husband would though.

People are different.

Iamnotamermaid · 23/01/2022 11:27

No, it is your sisters money. I would expect a decent Christmas \ birthday present though.

Original poster
AlphaApple · 23/01/2022 11:28

@fluffythedragonslayer

My sister is a millionaire from well timed property investment (and a certain amount of hard work) I can't afford to buy my kids new shoes. I wouldn't even make the connection that my sister would give me money. We aren't close (and she doesn't know I can't afford my kids shoes to be fair, but even if she did she would just tell me to get a better job!)

I think this is sad and in this situation I think your sibling should be generous towards your children. Unless you are spending all your money on fags and scratch cards Wink

My DC is aggrieved that I can't afford to buy her a horse but I don't class that as deprivation.

OP posts:
BorsetshireBanality · 23/01/2022 11:29

In the long run it’s best to keep your finances and including windfalls to yourself, as everyone will either have their hand out or be bitter for years that you didn’t give them 25% of it, and forget all the hard work or tax paid along the way.

Original poster
AlphaApple · 23/01/2022 11:29

@Iamnotamermaid

No, it is your sisters money. I would expect a decent Christmas \ birthday present though.

We only do presents for the kids. The DC got a normal sized gift.

OP posts:
Disneyblueeyes · 23/01/2022 11:31

It depends.
I wouldn't give my SiL anything as she chose to have two children, quit her job, marry and then divorce a complete lazy slob who never worked and make silly life decisions that haven't done her any favours financially. Lots of wasted money given from family.
I wouldn't give my brother anything as I don't think he'd accept it. He's the proud type and would want to earn it himself. I don't blame him.

Parents maybe.

Fact is it's her money, it's not inheritance. She can do what she wants with it. If someone was in a lot of financial trouble for no massive fault of their own then yes, I would maybe help out

HappyDays40 · 23/01/2022 11:32

I worked buy my sister a flat that she could pretend to pay rent to me on so that when she finally comes to her senses qnd gets rid of her lazy arse boyfriend she would have somewhere to live and he would have nowhere to go but back from the gutter he came out of.

NoSquirrels · 23/01/2022 11:35

What an odd thing for your mum to ask you, especially if, as you say, the whole extended family is comfortable.

Diggersaursarethebest · 23/01/2022 11:36

This is a fun game. If I earnt a 1.2 million as a one off I’d be looking to give my close relatives a special gift each. I’d want it to be something that would make a real difference to their life and finances but without creating any expectations of ongoing support if that makes sense. So things like paying for nieces and nephews devices that they need for school, or buying a student sibling a decent laptop, or buying a car that my sibling could afford to insure/run/keep up themselves. I’d consider a lump sum towards mortgage or housing for a sibling in a perilous financial situation (like if they were possibly going to need to move because of a temporary job loss, or if they were getting divorced and could really be helped by having a few thousand in the bank for a deposit or furniture). I’d go down the invitation for a family holiday route if no one needed anything much. I’d put a total limit in the amount I gave away as gifts that’s a lot lower than most posters here - perhaps 50k all up spread across all the people I wanted to treat. And most of the rest would be invested in a house for me and retirement. I’d buy a house outright with that money.

DishwashDogsDickens · 23/01/2022 11:40

@Whatdramain2022

It's her money and she obviously deserves it. My sister is loaded and has a £2 million house mortgage free etc. we live by scraping by. I was scammed of £1000 recently and she offered to lend me that amount of money, once she had worked out a repayment plan including interest! I think unless it's a lottery win, it's best to manage on what you have.
Shocking So sorry you were scammed and your sister was not kind
Verillion · 23/01/2022 11:42

I would definitely give my sister money if I came into a large lump sum. Without question. But it would make a big difference to her life and it would give me great pleasure to do that.

PrettyBluebells · 23/01/2022 11:46

My sister is wealthy, all made by her, not her dh and has no children (if that matters). I absolutely don't expect any of it, in fact I feel embarrassed on birthdays and at Christmas that my gifts don't match hers, expense wise.

ancientgran · 23/01/2022 11:47

I'd give my siblings something, I'd mainly help my kids but if I suddenly had £1.2m yes I'd want to give loved ones something.

Original poster
AlphaApple · 23/01/2022 11:48

@grey12

Maybe the next time she takes her family out you'll go to a better restaurant? Or the next bday/xmas gifts will be nicer?

It seems the whole family is super comfortable financially (thank God Smile) so there's no need for charity within the family, or unnecessary extra gifts for people who don't need them!

We're all fine. Been lucky health wise and not had too many financial disasters. But we're mostly cautious and hard working. My dad was out of work for a while in his 50s and that was tough.

DSis finished her PhD while heavily pregnant. Had about £20 a month leftover after childcare when she went back to work initially. She left a easy, well paying job in a multinational and tried a few start ups before this one struck gold. I'm very, very pleased for her.

OP posts:
Kuachui · 23/01/2022 11:49

hers BUT i woukd expect to be treated and i would do the same, even if just to a nice weekend away

NAME3CHANGE · 23/01/2022 11:53

Hers alone i think.

Only small difference, maybe if you had been babysitting or something like that for free while she worked it would be a nice gesture.

I probably wouldn't give mine anything, they are much better off and notoriously tight.

However, i would make sure my nephew had a house deposit, so she would benifit that way .

pointythings · 23/01/2022 11:59

In that situation I would absolutely give my Dsis a big slice of the pie - but then we are very close and she would 1) do the same for me and 2) not expect it from me.

ddl1 · 23/01/2022 12:02

YANBU. If you were struggling, it would be nice, though not obligatory, for your sister to give you some help financially. Given that you are not in any financial need, it is completely up to her what she does with her money.

Original poster
AlphaApple · 23/01/2022 12:03

Thinking about it, I would worry that a generous gift would weirdly skew the family dynamics, like she would implicitly have approval over my future spending.

OP posts:
wanttomarryamillionaire · 23/01/2022 12:03

Its completely her money but if i was in her situation I absolutely would give my DB and DP something.

LondonWolf · 23/01/2022 12:04

Yes it's hers but yes I would treat my sister,

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/01/2022 12:05

I dunno! I might give a bit to family members but no one is obliged to.

Wombat98 · 23/01/2022 12:05

It's work.

The buyout may never have happened and you wouldn't expect a % of her salary and/or bonuses.

Just because the sums are bigger, it doesn't increase any entitlement to it from family or friends.

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