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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Declining wedding invite

435 replies

GooseberryBush12 · 22/01/2022 23:24

I’ve name changed for this. So we’ve been invited to a very close relatives wedding, which is a good five-six hour drive away from us, at the time of year when DH or I are not allowed to take time off and we had two young children who are not invited.

I know weddings are about the bride and groom but AIBU to think that if you want guests to come to your wedding, you should perhaps consider them a little?!

It’s not going to go down well at all when we tell them we cannot come. It would mean a two night stay, trying to arrange childcare, I don’t even want to leave our young children at this time of year, cost a small bloody fortune and have to make up time taken out of work when it’s already hard to fit work around the kids. I’m actually really irritated that they haven’t considered the guests at all, most of whom live the same distance away as we do

OP posts:
BasiliskStare · 24/01/2022 18:20

@marpelier - lovely post - send Dh with good graces - that's the spirit ( I think )

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/01/2022 18:20

So the wedding is a Friday. He needs to take off Thur to get there and will be home Saturday late afternoon..is that right

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/01/2022 18:21

Whoops hit send

Dh goes alone

You are at work ? Then pick up kids from school

And look after them Saturday

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 24/01/2022 18:34

IMO weddings bring out the worst in people. Yes it’s completely the bride and grooms special day but some people become incredibly selfish and very entitled.

If it doesn’t suit then don’t go. As someone once told me ‘it’s an invitation, not a summons’

Jewel52 · 24/01/2022 18:37

He really needs to go. Yes it’s inconvenient for you but I think you’d have a different view if it was one of your siblings. It’s like you’re not seeing this as a family event because it’s on his side not yours.

LyricalBlowToTheJaw · 24/01/2022 18:39

@GooseberryBush12

DH feels the same about the logistics and cost of going. My point of the thread was perhaps consider guests a little when planning a big wedding if you want them to be able to go. We both want to go but it’s just going to be almost impossible, we can’t afford it and I have nobody I’d leave my children with for two nights. I’m not taking them out of school to come and wait around in a travel lodge while Dh attends a wedding they’re not invited to. I’m no way stopping him from going but he feels the same
Well, you're not wrong about that point. You didn't help yourself with some of the phrasing, but you're not wrong to be miffed about the situation itself.

What we have here is a wedding that actually is closer to a summons than an invitation, one where the bride has chosen an option that will be difficult for many guests, including her brother, but is also going to see her arse if he doesn't come. They're not unreasonable to move away and have a wedding near where they live, that's just one of those things. But with that in mind, if you know there's going to be a contingent who have to travel, the onus is on you to either ensure the wedding is as easy as possible for guests in other ways (ie not midweek, not childfree) or fully accept that the consequence of your decision will be some people not coming.

And that's not what's happening here. There clearly hasn't been any consideration. That, combined with the unwillingness of the bride to face the consequence of their choices, means you're on the whole NBU.

Bugbabe1970 · 24/01/2022 18:40

Short notice for a lavish wedding invite!!

LilOnline · 24/01/2022 18:41

OP - isn't it better for you if its mid-week? At least you have an excuse not to go (can't get time off). You can look after the kids which you would have been doing anyway regardless of whether your DH goes or not. And then your DH can be home for the weekend for your family time.

DH should decide whether he will regret it if he doesn't go. What are the family dynamics like? Are his other siblings going? Are his parents going? Did his sister attend your wedding? I've never been to a wedding where the immediate family didn't attend if they were in the same country! But I don't know his family situation.

Also how would you feel if one of your child didn't attend your other child's wedding when they grew up.

Pipsquiggle · 24/01/2022 18:44

A sibling's (or SIL's) wedding is absolutely a reason to ask for leave from work when it is not normally allowed.

However, this doesn't help with the childcare conundrum.

Personally if this is just getting too complicated and expensive, just your DH should go.

My sister had a wedding where she had moved to - a long plane journey. Her OH was British so both families had to fly out (so expensive). Both me and my DH resented it, (it was such a bad time for us, on the flight back to the UK, I found out i was being made redundant). In hindsight, I should have gone by myself.

LyricalBlowToTheJaw · 24/01/2022 18:46

OP would SIL know that this isn't a time of year when you two can't easily get chunks of leave? I ask because if it's something obvious like teachers in term time or retail over Christmas she's being an arse, but if it's something that isn't common knowledge like you both working for companies whose end of accounting year is the same week then not so much.

Audreyhelp · 24/01/2022 18:46

It’s their day . Annoying for you but you will have to stay at home it’s one weekend you have all the other weekends for family time ,

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 24/01/2022 18:47

I’m quite shocked actually at the tone of some of these posts. Posters are demanding you make it work or DH goes alone because it’s ‘family’ why the hell aren’t your kids invited then? It’s her ?niece/nephew and if she wants a family do they count too!

GrimDamnFanjo · 24/01/2022 18:49

Let him go.
If there are questions asked then you can both explain its not possible for you both to go.
Frankly I think it's odd that he doesn't want his nephew/nieces there but it's their wedding, their choice.
What do your in laws think?

Hesma · 24/01/2022 18:56

YANBU to decline politely but YABU to get cross that they didn’t arrange their wedding to suit you

EboWen · 24/01/2022 18:57

I suspect they might not be too bothered if you declined.

2022success · 24/01/2022 18:58

I voted YANBU before I realised it's Dh brother's wedding.

He should go and you stay home. Can you get a friend or family member to stay with you so you can have a good old chat and a few glasses of wine after the kids go to bed?

I think you have to suck this one up.

3scape · 24/01/2022 18:59

Firmly a token invite. Politely decline, they're not expecting attendance

mam0918 · 24/01/2022 19:01

It's an invite, not a summons.

You cant be mad they didn't consider you and they can't be mad you can't go.

I do find it funny that people do that though.

My family (9 of them, not counting us) are retired or children (bar the 1 aunt with a 9-5 job and my brother who works for himself and can take any day off he wants) and all my friends are either university students or SAHM.

My DH friends and several of his family are employed (teachers, nurses, civil servants etc...) they often complain about having to schedule life around this.

My friends/family only ever have local weekend weddings (to make sure the majority can make it) whereas DH friends ALWAYS have awkward midweek weddings in random middle of nowhere places.

It baffles me why in my experience it is SPECIFICALLY the working class that inconveniences themselves whereas people not in work wouldn't dream of putting their 9-5 working friends in that prediciment.

Lunificent · 24/01/2022 19:09

He should go to his sibling’s wedding even if it’s inconvenient. He should go alone if child are can’t be organised.

LyricalBlowToTheJaw · 24/01/2022 19:13

It's an invite, not a summons.

You cant be mad they didn't consider you and they can't be mad you can't go.

This works fine if everyone is observing both of those principles, but we've been told otherwise. OP says the couple won't be happy. And this is the problem really, quite often in real life the bride and/or groom actually don't like the consequence of their decisions.

Nanny0gg · 24/01/2022 19:18

@AdultingInTheCountryside

You are deluded. It’s their wedding not yours! I have children but wouldn’t want loads at my own wedding other than my own. I’m sure if you don’t go you won’t be missed.
Somewhat unnecessarily nasty
surreygirl1987 · 24/01/2022 19:21

She's right though.

MyNameIsJane · 24/01/2022 19:22

I did this very recently with similar circumstances. I didn’t say the reason (because I assume a lot of people would have given the reasons). I said that DH & I were unavailable and for them to enjoy every minute of their wedding.

Missingpop · 24/01/2022 19:22

Heavens get over yourself; do you for one second think the happy couple had time to sit down & take everyone’s personal circumstances into account? No of course not & I bet you didn’t at your nuptials either; just politely decline & wish them well & stop thinking of it as a personal slight against you; they’ve probably only invited you out of politeness anyway.
Sorry for my brutal reply but I’ve just had to deal with snowflakes whinging over my daughters wedding & I was equally brutal to them.

ivykaty44 · 24/01/2022 19:22

just tell them logistically you're not able to come

thanks for the invitation

have a great day

its not worth getting worked up about