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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Declining wedding invite

435 replies

GooseberryBush12 · 22/01/2022 23:24

I’ve name changed for this. So we’ve been invited to a very close relatives wedding, which is a good five-six hour drive away from us, at the time of year when DH or I are not allowed to take time off and we had two young children who are not invited.

I know weddings are about the bride and groom but AIBU to think that if you want guests to come to your wedding, you should perhaps consider them a little?!

It’s not going to go down well at all when we tell them we cannot come. It would mean a two night stay, trying to arrange childcare, I don’t even want to leave our young children at this time of year, cost a small bloody fortune and have to make up time taken out of work when it’s already hard to fit work around the kids. I’m actually really irritated that they haven’t considered the guests at all, most of whom live the same distance away as we do

OP posts:
Loveisthere · 24/01/2022 19:23

You are being unreasonable and extremely negative to all pp that come up with a solution just stay away you clearly do not want to go and your dh should go on his own you can stay at home and complain to yourself how hard your life is when dh is at the wedding

MyNameIsJane · 24/01/2022 19:25

My mum is worried that my aunt is going to ask her what we are doing instead. I said to simply say that we are unavailable.

Chris39 · 24/01/2022 19:27

I think you must make every effort to attend - at least allow your husband to go even if you don't feel you can go. Non-attendance at a sibling's wedding will be remembered forever, and you will probably be blamed for it, however unreasonable that may feel. That's how families generally are.

FrenchBulldogsareFab · 24/01/2022 19:31

Send your husband alone. Weekends are 52 times a year but his brothers wedding is just one day. You stay at home and enjoy your precious weekend.

Gilly12345 · 24/01/2022 19:37

DH needs to go as it’s a siblings wedding and you stay at home and look after children.

Yes family time is precious and yes that includes extended family.

It sounds like you don’t want to go but he really should unless they don’t get on and don’t have anything to do with each other but family is still family.

skippy67 · 24/01/2022 19:38

@EboWen

I suspect they might not be too bothered if you declined.
Agreed.
Insanelysilver · 24/01/2022 19:39

It’s fair enough if the B&G don’t want to have kids at their wedding but they then have to accept that there will be people even close relatives who can’t it because of that.
If you wanted to attend though I wondered if you Couid take the kids and have a nanny look after them for the ceremony? Maybe you could then head off home if it’s too awkward or expensive to have the nanny stay any longer.

BiscuitLover3678 · 24/01/2022 19:53

If they know your situation then they are just doing what is best for them and perhaps most people. If you’re also not fussed about going then just dh can. It’s his sibling so he can go if he wants for a one off.

BiscuitLover3678 · 24/01/2022 19:55

@Insanelysilver

It’s fair enough if the B&G don’t want to have kids at their wedding but they then have to accept that there will be people even close relatives who can’t it because of that. If you wanted to attend though I wondered if you Couid take the kids and have a nanny look after them for the ceremony? Maybe you could then head off home if it’s too awkward or expensive to have the nanny stay any longer.
I don’t know about the situation of the op but it’s not very easy to just ‘hire a nanny’. If you have one already then you’re on a very high income, generally a good way into the 100/200ks.
CamomileTeabag · 24/01/2022 20:00

@GooseberryBush12

It’s DH’s sibling who relocated a few years ago so none of their family live near the wedding location. We are not supposed to take time off work at this time but it can be negotiated for certain occasions, not sure that my work would see it as a reason to request three days off.

DH could go by himself but this is also not particularly convenient as I’m alone with the kids all week due to him working away, so if he was to get time off work I’d rather he was at home helping me not travelling across the country for a wedding.

The first paragraph of your response is perfectly ok OP. The second paragraph isn't. It's DP's sibling - of COURSE he should be at that wedding even if you do have to stay at home alone with the children. Presumably your parents are not available to have the kids (in your house) for a couple of days? That was the answer for us, and the only time I ever left mine in their entire childhoods - my best friend's wedding in Boston. Great memories of a short but lovely trip with DH. We were only gone 3 nights but it was fantastic to be a couple again.
Tilltheend99 · 24/01/2022 20:03

UABU. If the wedding was being held far away for the sake of it (destination wedding etc) you would have a point but they are just getting married where they live and you are unhappy. Suggesting they should have held it near you because it doesn’t fit in with your life is more than a little self centred. That said if you can’t go logistically then don’t go but don’t blame it on them.

altiara · 24/01/2022 20:04

I would get DH to go alone.

If I was DH though, I wouldn’t be looking forward to going to a family wedding without my family.

Regarding not being able to afford petrol and a couple of nights in a travel lodge, was this a last minute wedding? As I would’ve started saving up for it. Especially as you say you want to go but it childcare that’s the problem (or is it the money!)

Can’t believe people don’t invite their nieces/nephews though!

Polyputthekettleon · 24/01/2022 20:14

Yes it's great if he could give you a helping hand when he's at home but he's got a siblings wedding so you need to suck it up and let him attend his siblings wedding. You both are not joined at the hip so you can stay at home. Dont be selfish-just let him attend. I suspect you've nagged him into thinking he shouldn't go.

Ginseng1 · 24/01/2022 20:21

Your DH should to go to sibling wedding fgs even if you don't. Unless there's been some fallout. I mean if it was abroad you might have a case but it's where they live & in UK. Hardly unreasonable!! You are being ridiculous. this wedding hardly out of the blue I'd say if it's as lavish as you say. I don't understand some families.

whatkatydid2013 · 24/01/2022 20:37

It’s perfectly reasonable to decline if it’s midweek and your OH can’t have the time off & there are other logistical issues. It’s not reasonable of you to be cross someone didn’t plan their wedding to accommodate other people, don’t want to invite kids etc. It won’t be reasonable of them to have a massive strop if people can’t make it. If you can’t go then just tell them you aren’t able to get the time off work. I’m sure they aren’t expecting your OH will quit his job to attend

Winterflower84 · 24/01/2022 20:46

No, don't go. Too much hassle for a wedding. I've recently declined an invite for a similar reason and we were only 3hrs away. No regrets.

BungleandGeorge · 24/01/2022 20:51

I think he really should make the effort for a siblings wedding. Can he fly or take a train? I’d just travel the evening before and then come back the morning after the wedding. If he makes an early start he could be back at work by lunchtime

Pipsquiggle · 24/01/2022 21:10

@Winterflower84

The wedding invite you rejected, were you or your OH a sibling of the bride or groom?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 24/01/2022 21:14

@GooseberryBush12

I haven’t said I don’t want him to go, my post is about the whole timing and location being really hard for us to do it. Even if he goes alone it’ll be money we can’t afford and he’s unlikely to be able to have time off work.
If that's the case then he can't go. End of story, no matter how much of a fuss is kicked up.

You don't have to attend, and in your shoes I probably wouldn't. DH, well, that should be up to him.

Winterautumn · 24/01/2022 21:14

Of course your husband should go!

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 24/01/2022 21:22

@FrenchBulldogsareFab

Send your husband alone. Weekends are 52 times a year but his brothers wedding is just one day. You stay at home and enjoy your precious weekend.
'Send' him? What is he, a parcel going FedEx?

Some of these comments look as though they've appeared in a time warp. I.e. 'you should let him go'. How could he physically be stopped? This is a man, an autonomous human being with a mind and a decision-making capability of his own.

No wonder MiLs always blame DiLs when issues arise with sons. It seems some people think when a man marries he loses any capacity for independent thought.

OP/DH are not joined at the hip. If neither wants to go, don't. If one wants to and the other doesn't, fine, do it that way. The B&Gs' reaction isn't under their control: they'll react as they react but that's really nothing to do with them.

It ain't rocket science.

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/01/2022 21:43

When is wedding

Why can’t dh book holiday off for it

DaphneBasset · 24/01/2022 22:25

YABU, it's their wedding, not yours, why on earth would they plan the whole thing around your work schedule?? My brother lives abroad and therefore couldn't make my other brother's wedding. The bride and groom knew that but they weren't going to rearrange the other 100 guests as a result!

With Covid having delayed a lot of events, wedding venues are massively booked up and very expensive. If the bride & groom are okay with lots of guests not being able to make it in return for a weekday wedding that may well be half price or better than a weekend wedding, they can do that and I don't really understand why you are making it about yourself...

Dibbydoos · 24/01/2022 22:33

I didn't have kids at my wedding other than very immediate family. I wasn't being rude or horrible, we had a kali and I didn't want the risk of kids getting injured as people were flung about.
I didn't take offence with declines. There were plenty enough people there that it didn't matter.
OP I'd just decline and aim to see them afterwards.

PrincessNutella · 24/01/2022 22:35

If it is your husband's sibling then he has to go. You don't have to go, but he does.

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