Page 13 | Declining wedding invite

GooseberryBush12 · 2022-01-22T23:24:57+00:00

I’ve name changed for this. So we’ve been invited to a very close relatives wedding, which is a good five-six hour drive away from us, at the time of year when DH or I are not allowed to take time off and we had two young children who are not invited. I know weddings are about the bride and groom but AIBU to think that if you want guests to come to your wedding, you should perhaps consider them a little?! It’s not going to go down well at all when we tell them we cannot come. It would mean a two night stay, trying to arrange childcare, I don’t even want to leave our young children at this time of year, cost a small bloody fortune and have to make up time taken out of work when it’s already hard to fit work around the kids. I’m actually really irritated that they haven’t considered the guests at all, most of whom live the same distance away as we do

HelloFrostyMorning · 23/01/2022 12:37

I wouldn't even have gone to a sibling's wedding if my daughters were excluded if it was 5 minutes walk away.

seekinglondonlife · 23/01/2022 12:38

My sibling didn't invite my dc to their wedding, stating that if they came the bride would have to invite her ninety million cousins. My dc were 15, 13 and 10 at the time. I was raging, but that's a side issue.

OP I think YABVU not wanting your DH to go to his db's wedding because you'll have to manage the dc for 2 days by yourself.

OperationRinka · 23/01/2022 12:56

HelloFrostyMorning Why on earth is it "obnoxious and self-centred" to invite people to your wedding even if you don't live in the same area as them? Are you suggesting that people should only get married if they both live in the same town they grew up in, or are you suggesting that they travel around the country having multiple replica weddings in the towns where all the relatives on each side live?

I think you might be onto a winner there - I can see the wedding industry going for it. Could do wonders for the hospitality industry.

ImInStealthMode · 23/01/2022 13:00

@HelloFrostyMorning I also moved away, a flight away, almost 20 years ago. We're getting married where we live because most people we're inviting live here! If people who don't live here can't make it we understand and accept that. DP and I are from different countries so if we got married in either of our 'homes' the situation would be the same.

My point is there's no evidence in the OP's post that the couple getting married are 'pissing and moaning' about it. None at all.

There is a bit of evidence in your posts however that you're a bit bitter that your family don't visit you as often as you'd like.

lemonyfox · 23/01/2022 13:02

I find it odd family children still aren't allowed? It's their nieces/nephews....

Tallisimo · 23/01/2022 13:05

I voted YABU because the wedding is not about you, it is about the bride and groom. It’s their lookout if people can’t make it because of imings, locations etc.

But of course, you should not feel guilty for declining. You ca. Reply very nicely, saying thanks for the invite, unfortunately work and other existing commitments mean you won’t be able to attend …. But you of course wish them a wonderful day.

ihatesoaps · 23/01/2022 13:07

@GooseberryBush12

I haven’t said I don’t want him to go, my post is about the whole timing and location being really hard for us to do it. Even if he goes alone it’ll be money we can’t afford and he’s unlikely to be able to have time off work.

Most companies allow time off for a sibling's wedding surely?! This is a one off and only three days out of an entire lifetime

YABU

goawaystormy · 23/01/2022 13:15

My point of the thread was perhaps consider guests a little when planning a big wedding if you want them to be able to go.

But it's literally impossible to consider all your guests unless you only have 5-10. What you're actually moaning about is they haven't considered you.

Have you considered that they're getting married where they live! It might be that 80% of there guests are also from there so having it there is considerate. Maybe the majority of their friends work shifts so it's actually easier to get time off midweek, therefore they are being considerate of those guests.

You're being incredibly inconsiderate - making all their choices about their wedding all about you. Why the hell would the have any idea of when people can/can't take time off in an industry they don't work in. If they had their wedding in your home town they'd be making life difficult for their local friends.

You can't please everyone when planning a wedding, why do you think you're the most important people who should be considered by them?

Runnerduck34 · 23/01/2022 13:15

Clear bride and groom.could have thought it through better a midweek wedding especially one involving overnight stays and also excluding children is going to be a pita to attend. I wouldn't be impressed either. Not to invite neices and nephews is bonkers its like they've engineered it so only DH can go tbh.
As its his sibling I would suck it up and I think DH should go by himself if it's only feasible option.
Although I get that having to use up limited annual leave and family funds for only one person is annoying.
But wouldn't be jumping through any of their hoops in the future.
Ultimately its DHs decision.

HelloFrostyMorning · 23/01/2022 13:20

@OperationRinka

HelloFrostyMorning Why on earth is it "obnoxious and self-centred" to invite people to your wedding even if you don't live in the same area as them? Are you suggesting that people should only get married if they both live in the same town they grew up in, or are you suggesting that they travel around the country having multiple replica weddings in the towns where all the relatives on each side live?

I think you might be onto a winner there - I can see the wedding industry going for it. Could do wonders for the hospitality industry.

@OperationRinka

FFS I never said it was 'obnoxious and self centred to invite people to your wedding from miles away..'

I said

someone who is obnoxious and self centred enough to expect everyone to flock 100s of miles to their wedding, and spend 100s of £££ on hotels and travelling expenses, would very likely also be rude and obnoxious enough to exclude nieces and nephews...

Stop bloody cherry picking odd words and twisting what I said to suit your agenda!

@ImInStealthMode

There is a bit of evidence in your posts however that you're a bit bitter that your family don't visit you as often as you'd like.

Another one making shit up to suit their agenda, because they have no answer and know they've lost the argument. Pathetic.

Bore off with your goading and making shit up that doesn't exist, because you know you're beaten.

XelaM · 23/01/2022 13:41

I think people on this thread who think it's ok to have a mid-week childfree wedding when their family and guests lives hours away and will require time off work/childcare are/were bridezillas themselves! If you're so self-centred that you don't care about how inconvenient your wedding is to your own guests, then don't be offended when they decline your invite (regardless of whether or not they are close family members). Siblings are people too

Anotherdayanotheropinion · 23/01/2022 13:57

@XelaM

I think people on this thread who think it's ok to have a mid-week childfree wedding when their family and guests lives hours away and will require time off work/childcare are/were bridezillas themselves! If you're so self-centred that you don't care about how inconvenient your wedding is to your own guests, then don't be offended when they decline your invite (regardless of whether or not they are close family members). Siblings are people too

I wouldn’t decline a sibling invite no matter how inconvenient it was to me (and will be with BIL having a destination wedding in a hot climate 2 months after I’ll be giving birth by c-section so not remotely ideal). I wouldn’t turn round and have a hissy fit saying DH and I and baby aren’t going how dare they not consider us in their plans etc. they are having the wedding they’ve dreamt of and they are family who we love. DH will be going regardless and if there’s some way I can make it I’ll be going too.

It seems if op DH can get the time off work he could go but instead they’re bitching about not having the wedding plans made to suit them and ignoring that bride and groom likely have guests from everywhere, are getting married where they live and can’t accommodate everyone. If they can’t be bothered to put themselves out to have DH go to the wedding then fine but they need to own it.

OperationRinka · 23/01/2022 14:04

HelloFrostyMorning you specifically said and repeated "someone who is obnoxious and self centred enough to expect everyone to flock 100s of miles to their wedding, and spend 100s of £££ on hotels and travelling expenses"

That literally says that it's obnoxious and self centred to expect people to travel a long distance for a wedding.

XelaM · 23/01/2022 14:13

@OperationRinka Are you missing the fact that it's mid-week?!

OperationRinka · 23/01/2022 14:24

The mid-week thing is definitely questionable. Depending on your invitees it's arguably selfish because you're saving money by requiring your guests to use up holiday or lose pay. Not always of course, if you're friends with a lot of medics/people in hospitality and the performing arts/teachers out of school time then a midweek wedding may be fine, but normally it's iffy.

But having wedding where you live and inviting family from a long way away is not intrinsically selfish, and that's the bit that Frosty was objecting to.

ImInStealthMode · 23/01/2022 14:31

@HelloFrostyMorning Beaten? Have no answer? I don't know what the bloody question is!

To repeat (again) my point, it's that the bride and groom in question show no signs of stropping, moaning, throwing their toys out of the pram or demanding that anyone doesn't attend the wedding they're bold enough to be having WHERE THEY LIVE.

I feel like you're reading a different thread to the rest of us.

LittleGwyneth · 23/01/2022 14:58

Same answer as always on these ones: you are not BU for not going, they are not BU for not planning their wedding around your needs.

LittleGwyneth · 23/01/2022 15:17

@HelloFrostyMorning

I wouldn't even have gone to a sibling's wedding if my daughters were excluded if it was 5 minutes walk away.

What if your sibling wanted a child free wedding? Seems pretty unreasonable to me.

Chanel05 · 23/01/2022 15:20

This happened to me. Couldn't get time off at all. Bride fell out with me and she's never spoken to me since.

Anotherdayanotheropinion · 23/01/2022 15:28

@HelloFrostyMorning

I wouldn't even have gone to a sibling's wedding if my daughters were excluded if it was 5 minutes walk away.

Yes well of course the world revolves around your precious little darlings 🙄🙄🙄

SallyGoLucky · 23/01/2022 15:46

I never understand people who say the bride and groom should consider their guests when planning a wedding..... what, like ALL of them? How on earth to make a plan to suit every single person going? You can't. So you plan a day that suits you and the groom. And if ppl can go, happy days. And if they can't, that's fine.

I actually gasped when I read the bit about how you'd rather your husband spend time with the family than go. To his sisters wedding. A one off event. Horrendous way to think.

Partayyyyy · 23/01/2022 15:49

you just said it yourself family time is precious so therfore you should look after the kids pack your husband a bag and tell him to go to the wedding how many times do people get married it is totally out of order if you stop him going because you don't want to be left home with the kids

ManicPixie · 23/01/2022 15:49

@lemonyfox

I find it odd family children still aren't allowed? It's their nieces/nephews....

Because depending on the ages and number of them it can be a hassle having kids around when they’d rather an adult friend in their place. I find it really odd people are picking up on this like it’s outrageous. I’ve been to lots of no-kids weddings.

ChristmasPudding12 · 23/01/2022 15:53

If your that bothered can you not leave after work the day before the wedding, stay overnight, ceremony, meal and then either you go home on your own and DH stays and come home next day, or you both leave and go home. It'll be long and tiring but it's a special occasion, a one off

Anotherdayanotheropinion · 23/01/2022 16:04

@lemonyfox I find it odd family children still aren't allowed? It's their nieces/nephews

I had a child free wedding (well one baby my nephew who slept during it) and my parents friends came up afterward and said how lovely it was during the mass, how nice and peaceful and hearing all the prayers and music. Their youngest child got married a few months before me and they had 15 grandchildren at it creating and absolute din. So this was their own grandparents appreciating the benefits of a child free wedding.

Not sure why you find it so hard to comprehend. I was lucky when I got married, I only had one nephew who was a baby but I’ve siblings soot younger than me and if and when they get married I’d they don’t want mine and my siblings children there that’s absolutely fine by me.

I’m also not particularly ok with the amount of drinking that goes on at weddings and children being there for that. I don’t think a ceremony where you need to be quiet and a massive knees up is the best place for children to be.