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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Declining wedding invite

435 replies

GooseberryBush12 · 22/01/2022 23:24

I’ve name changed for this. So we’ve been invited to a very close relatives wedding, which is a good five-six hour drive away from us, at the time of year when DH or I are not allowed to take time off and we had two young children who are not invited.

I know weddings are about the bride and groom but AIBU to think that if you want guests to come to your wedding, you should perhaps consider them a little?!

It’s not going to go down well at all when we tell them we cannot come. It would mean a two night stay, trying to arrange childcare, I don’t even want to leave our young children at this time of year, cost a small bloody fortune and have to make up time taken out of work when it’s already hard to fit work around the kids. I’m actually really irritated that they haven’t considered the guests at all, most of whom live the same distance away as we do

OP posts:
CrimbleCrumble1 · 23/01/2022 16:04

Well if you can’t get the time off then that’s it.

boringcreation · 23/01/2022 16:37

Firstly you and your DH need to be at that wedding. It's a once in a lifetime thing and you need to be there. If I were his sister I'd expect non-family guests to decline a mid-week wedding but I'd expect my immediate family to move heaven and earth to be there.

However, I find it insane that your children haven't been invited to the wedding. Who are the flower girls/ page boys? Any wedding I've ever been to, children are usually not invited but that doesn't include immediate family. I would want my nieces/nephew there to celebrate with me.

calliecapers · 23/01/2022 16:56

I do understand the no kids thing but not for your nieces/nephews. Surely thats going too far

I would he super angry if my sibling excluded my kids from their wedding

calliecapers · 23/01/2022 16:59

And mid week weddings are silly

Obviously much cheaper but highly inconvenient forost guests

Nanny0gg · 23/01/2022 17:05

@GooseberryBush12

It’s DH’s sibling who relocated a few years ago so none of their family live near the wedding location. We are not supposed to take time off work at this time but it can be negotiated for certain occasions, not sure that my work would see it as a reason to request three days off.

DH could go by himself but this is also not particularly convenient as I’m alone with the kids all week due to him working away, so if he was to get time off work I’d rather he was at home helping me not travelling across the country for a wedding.

I think for a sibling you should suck it up and manage the children. He goes by himself.
lemonyfox · 23/01/2022 17:18

[quote Anotherdayanotheropinion]**@lemonyfox* I find it odd family children still aren't allowed? It's their nieces/nephews*

I had a child free wedding (well one baby my nephew who slept during it) and my parents friends came up afterward and said how lovely it was during the mass, how nice and peaceful and hearing all the prayers and music. Their youngest child got married a few months before me and they had 15 grandchildren at it creating and absolute din. So this was their own grandparents appreciating the benefits of a child free wedding.

Not sure why you find it so hard to comprehend. I was lucky when I got married, I only had one nephew who was a baby but I’ve siblings soot younger than me and if and when they get married I’d they don’t want mine and my siblings children there that’s absolutely fine by me.

I’m also not particularly ok with the amount of drinking that goes on at weddings and children being there for that. I don’t think a ceremony where you need to be quiet and a massive knees up is the best place for children to be.[/quote]
Not sure why you find it so hard to comprehend

Not sure why you're being rude? You have your opinion and I have mine.

Solodreamer · 23/01/2022 17:25

@Russo

Yanbu IMO .

I take it they don’t have any kids? Generally I find those without children don’t have the ability to consider how difficult (whatever the reasons are) it is for those with children.

My friends didn’t understand my perspective until they had their kids and even then didn’t quite understand me until they had their second.

Now we all get on very well and they’re more understanding and considerate of my situation.

They no longer expect me to travel to see them with kids in tow because they won’t do it themselves .

On the flip side - do you understand your childless friends. I'm guessing not. How patronising this all sounds.
BrioLover · 23/01/2022 17:32

What a lot of fretting for something that is supposed to be nice. It's his sibling. It doesn't really matter that they're not close - they'll certainly not build (or rebuild perhaps?) a better relationship if he doesn't attend her wedding because you'd rather he use a few days annual leave on you and the children.

DH's sister didn't attend our wedding. She was in NZ and if we had delayed until she came back then my mum would have died before the wedding. She still tried her best to find flights and a way to attend, even though it could potentially cost her thousands and we couldn't afford to help very much. That effort was hugely appreciated by us at the time, and DH's relationship with his sister is vastly improved. We'd move heaven and earth to attend her wedding.

MargosKaftan · 23/01/2022 18:05

To be fair to the bride and groom, the OP has only said that her SIL relocated to this town and none of her family live nearby, we have no idea if the groom's family all live walking distance to the venue of if they live near the OP as well. (Or indeed live in the opposite direction and this venue is a half way point!)

I would send DH alone. Minimum amount of time off work - so driving after work the night before, getting up after the wedding to be in work for lunchtime, so only 1.5 days annual leave used rather than 3. Its a one off. Its his sister. If you only make an effort to see them a couple of times a year, I can see why you weren't a priority for arranging the wedding around your needs.

vickyc90 · 23/01/2022 18:10

We flew 10 hours each way for four days for a friends wedding at a cost of 1.5k we left DS at home and made a holiday of it. Honestly it was amazing to reconnect with DH without DS. Can your mam or siblings not have the kids so you can enjoy yourself.

A lot of our friends have got married recently, DS has only been to one of the weddings as we treat them as date night/days

Kite22 · 23/01/2022 18:15

A lot of posters are saying it’s a weekend away for DH get over myself, it’s not a weekend it’s a weekday at a time of year when work is mad and we re not expected to take time off unless it’s a funeral or something.

Yes, but, as you hadn't specifically told anyone that, how were posters supposed to know ? Confused

So, it is your dh's sister. She is getting married where they live. You both work somewhere your employers aren't keen, but can't actually forbid you to take two days off for a sibling's wedding. Is that right ?

I'm with most other posters. He goes and you look after the dc around your work. It would be a shame if you liked her which isn't the vibe I'm getting from your posts but that is what happens when you have a mid-week wedding. Although, you have said you wouldn't leave them anyway, so the midweek thing then becomes irrelevant.

marpelier · 23/01/2022 21:29

SUper confusing. Do you work OP? I can't tell as you said you are with the children all week, then said "we" can't get time off work.
Definitely send DH , ( if he can get 2 days off work) ignore him pretending not to want to go - he is trying to appease you. He will have a ball with his family and probably some old friends.
I would certainly get him to look into getting a lift with a family member or friend - as you said there are a lot of people invited who live near you, and bunking in with family for the night of the wedding if possible. That way it really shouldn't be that expensive - as you have mentioned "you can't afford to go". Buy an inexpensive but thoughtful gift , and include a note from yourself explaining that you were sorry you couldn't make the wedding due to childcare/work.
I hope your DH gets the 2 days off work as I know myself if my sibling didn't attend my wedding I would be devastated. If he does get the time off ( and 2 days really is enough) , tell him to pack a bag and send him off with your good graces.

incywincyspidery · 24/01/2022 17:37

If they choose to have a wedding at a time and location that is difficult for guests that is entirely up to them as it is their wedding.

They are only being unreasonable if they expect everyone to turn up regardless.

If your wedding location is a considerable distance from most of the guests, you have to accept that those guests may not be able to attend and if you continue with your plans you must do so with that in mind. I do find that when the people getting married don't have children, they don't see an issue with guests dumping their DCs on other family/friends/put them in kennels with the dog etc. They can't understand that not all young children can be dumped elsewhere whenever the need arises and they think you're creating problems for the sake of it. Of course as soon as they have their own it all makes sense...

FM2013 · 24/01/2022 17:39

YANBU to decline.
YABU to expect people to plan around others for their own wedding.

Kshhuxnxk · 24/01/2022 17:48

You're overthinking it. In same situation and it will cost us £700 for accommodation, travel, sitters so we've just said sorry we're not going because it's too much money. That's it, no point in dressing it up for something it isn't.

Kshhuxnxk · 24/01/2022 17:49

Ah wait read the updates - your DH goes on his own then surely.

GreyGoose1980 · 24/01/2022 17:49

If it’s DH’s sibling; I’d look after the DC and send him on his own as he needs to be there.

Bobbins36 · 24/01/2022 17:56

Just say you can’t go. Maybe they are considering other guests who cba seeing other peoples kids tearing up a wedding reception.

skippy67 · 24/01/2022 17:58

A few years ago, my Dh's brother decided to get married abroad, on a week day, in term time. We were all invited. He went on his own because it was easier than us all going, and he absolutely couldn't miss his brothers wedding. It really was as simple as that. If you and your dh can't get time off, then say that, decline, and stop banging on about it.

Scarriff · 24/01/2022 18:00

Encourage your hisband to attend with a full and generous heart. Ask around for help with the children that weekend if you like. Would youf own family like to come round ot a school friend? Roll with the situation. Be happy for everyone.

Bellie710 · 24/01/2022 18:11

My DH used to work away for up to 3 months at a time but even I would say his sisters wedding over rides "family time".

It is (hopefully) once in his lifetime, I think you could suck it up just this once!

Lolamento · 24/01/2022 18:12

Your husband should go as family weddings are not an everyday event. Not sure if you are married yourself but people usually make a bigger effort for these family occasions. I imagine they have postponed this several times due to Covid or have not found a place and venue easily in this climate. It is their date and they probably chosen convenience for them which I think is fair.

MeredithGreyishblue · 24/01/2022 18:12

As with all these things, if you want to go you'll find a way. If you don't , you'll find more barriers.

thisplaceisweird · 24/01/2022 18:19

it’s a sister who we see one every couple of years and is not close to

Either they don't know you well enough to consider you in their plans, or they already knew you wouldn't be able to come and didn't care

Valeriekat · 24/01/2022 18:20

You didn't say it was a weekday wedding! Presumably so they can save money at guests expense.
YANBU