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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or are most men a bit rubbish in bed?

258 replies

TootsAtOwls · 22/01/2022 21:14

I promise I’m not a journalist, not am I asking you to tell me your smutty stories. I’m just interested to know if I’m alone in this:

Most men seem to have sex in the same way: a bit of snogging, then give the nipples a tweak on the way to going down on you. If you’re lucky you might get an orgasm that way before the thrusting starts.

The thing is, I think these men think they’re great in bed because they always bang on about how giving oral sex is their favourite thing. But for me it’s pointless if it’s a standalone act while ignoring the rest of me.It just makes me feel like they’re doing it as a means to an end rather than because they’re delighting in every bit of my body. It’s like the scene in friends where Monica says don’t just go straight in to 7, dot around the numbers a bit….

So yanbu: yes, most men stick to a well-worn and not especially interesting routine

Yabu: you’ve been unlucky, loads of men are extremely skilled at sex

OP posts:
cornbeeflegs · 23/01/2022 17:32

YANBU!

gannett · 23/01/2022 17:33

@MananaTomorrow

I used to think most men were bad in bed in my early 20s, before I got the confidence to tell them what I actually wanted to do to them, and for them to do to me.

I think communication goes both ways really but I’m always surprised how the responsibility to establish said communication falls onto women rather than men.
Granted in this case, this is all for the benefit of women. But shouldn’t you want to know what your partner enjoys too?

Well yes, with the best sexual partners I've had it has gone both ways and we're both interested in what the other wants. But you're more responsible for your own satisfaction because you actually know it better. If you're not being satisfied then it's on you to tell them, otherwise they won't know. Vice versa as well, of course.
Ericaequites · 23/01/2022 17:34

YANBU, butI’ve been a lesbian exclusively for the last twenty years. Women are better at communicating, and take things more slowly. Most men want PIV now, and regard foreplay as a very short starter.

MasterBeth · 23/01/2022 17:34

How good in bed are you, OP?

Fuzzyhippo · 23/01/2022 17:35

I've slept about quite a bit when I was 16-19, all were absolutely crap. And never had anyone go down on me either, so must be a me problem..

DillDanding · 23/01/2022 17:38

I have a couple of friends whose husbands never do oral.

Now, that is rubbish in bed imo.

GooodMythicalMorning · 23/01/2022 17:41

I think you've been unlucky. I've had one rubbish one and two great ones. The one rubbish one was the one who didn't think about what I liked at all but just concerned about himself. Current partner is a giver and loves to make me happy so it's amazing.

Worriedatwork1 · 23/01/2022 17:46

I don’t think it’s that they’re rubbish, but a lot of it is compatibility- I was with someone for many years that I met and thought was a bit kinky, exciting when we met but in the end it ended up being a massive turn off for me that he always wanted rough sex/changing position every 5 mins, to talk about fantasies etc - whereas when we first met I’d be enjoying that after a few drinks, but it became very boring. I’ve had a lot of men (and women) and have decided it’s just about that click. Current partner we were really adventurous when we met and used a lot of toys/costumes/tried new things, now we’re very boring (2/3 positions, might manage stockings for a date night, pretty much the same routine) but we both enjoy it and are genuinely satisfied which I’ll take any day over trying new stuff

LoisLane66 · 23/01/2022 17:46

I never liked giving oral sex so bar the one and only first time, I never did it again.
As for being given oral enjoyment, nope, never did anything for me. I could have read a book.
One time I read in Forum magazine about being peed on the clit and we tried it after he drank gallons of water...well, litres maybe. Covered the bed with plastic sheeting and thick towels where I was and did the deed. It was epic and the only time I ever didn't fake orgasm. Never did it again. I actually don't miss sex, although my OH who is a lot younger does enjoy it. I make believe, but he knows I'll never be up for a BJ so never asks. The only things which go in my mouth are food, drink and a toothbrush.

ten987123 · 23/01/2022 17:47

Can't stand the bumbling snorting truffle pigs.

bcc89 · 23/01/2022 17:49

@LoisLane66

I never liked giving oral sex so bar the one and only first time, I never did it again. As for being given oral enjoyment, nope, never did anything for me. I could have read a book. One time I read in Forum magazine about being peed on the clit and we tried it after he drank gallons of water...well, litres maybe. Covered the bed with plastic sheeting and thick towels where I was and did the deed. It was epic and the only time I ever didn't fake orgasm. Never did it again. I actually don't miss sex, although my OH who is a lot younger does enjoy it. I make believe, but he knows I'll never be up for a BJ so never asks. The only things which go in my mouth are food, drink and a toothbrush.
How very open of you to share that.
Mandyjack · 23/01/2022 17:50

Think yourself lucky you get oral sex at all, some men just won't go there. I think when you've been in a long term relationship you end up being in a routine or how you do it unfortunately

Alarchbach · 23/01/2022 17:52

YANBU

I’ve slept with about 30 men, only one has been any good in the bedroom, he was outstanding. I miss the sex with him. I was early 20s and he was mid 40s.

My husband is ok, but think I was completely spoilt by the other guy and no one since has come even close.

CallmeBadJanet · 23/01/2022 17:52

There's no proper education about sex for any of us. Best read for women is "Come as you are" (Emily Nagoski), best for men is "She comes first" Ian Kerner (after they've read Come as You Are of course). And all women need to stop faking otherwise men keep thinking they are all amazing.

pollymere · 23/01/2022 17:53

YABU...I think you date the wrong type of men 😂 I've found that the right type listen to what you like and are very happy to try it out.

Mandyjack · 23/01/2022 17:53

Quite happy to accept it but don't wanna give it

exaltedwombat · 23/01/2022 18:02

The poor sod thinks he's learned what you like! If you want something different, ask for it.

What's the routine when YOU take the lead?

LoisLane66 · 23/01/2022 18:05

@bcc89
That was with my ex DH. Married 41 years. Contacted by my OH on Match.com in 2013. Met after 6 weeks then found he only lives 4 miles away and used to commute on same train, him in 1st class me with the 'plebs' 😉😊
We can have great conversations but other than that we're opposites. He is well off and I'm just ok. I like saving money he likes the good things. I shop at M&S and Primark and he has bespoke shirts and suits and handmade shoes.
The thing is that we respect and trust each other implicitly. I like my independence and insist on paying half so it's nothing to do with his money. He's just an appealing and attractive fit man. I'm just an 'old' woman.

thepeopleversuswork · 23/01/2022 18:10

I guess what I'm not enjoying is the feeling that they do stuff ostensibly for my pleasure (I've been lucky in that every man I've been with has been enthusiastic about giving oral sex) but it's so obviously to get my orgasm ticked off so they can get on with theirs.

I sort of know what you mean with this.

My current boyfriend is fantastic in bed and a very generous lover, but he (and most other men I've slept with) tend to regard delivering the female orgasm as a task which has to be ticked off.

My bf is very skilled at giving oral and will always make a point of it before we have penetrative sex. Don't get me wrong I'm very grateful for this but sometimes I'd almost prefer he didn't because it feels like something he has to get done. I've said to him before: "you know this is for you as well as me?" and he acknowledges this but it still feels like something he has to achieve or he's failed.

I do think sex for men is more "goal oriented" and even the better lovers often struggle a bit to see that it's really a whole body, head and body thing for women.

saleorbouy · 23/01/2022 18:13

If you're complaining about snog - tits- oral -sex then in what order would you do it?
Sex- oral-tits- snog seems a bit to me like eating your dinner backwards and starting at the desert.
Surely good sexual experiences come from good communication and showing what turns you on, as we know women are very different when it comes to sensitivity of erogenous zones and what pleasures them.
If you don't assist in communicating your preferences then is the poor guy supposed to read your mind?

moomoo1967 · 23/01/2022 18:15

Late to the party as per but you've definitely been unlucky

Dibbydoos · 23/01/2022 18:17

I read that sex is in 3 parts, snogging and touching etc the body (foreplay), oral and intercourse.

I haven't had many partners - bad relationship made me avoid men for 9 years of my life in my 20/30's - and I've only ever had bad sex once - he just had no idea and I wanted it over.
All other men have been all about foreplay. Some wanted to do oral but I had to ask them to get to the intercourse stage cos I was over ready for it!

Why don't you like intercourse. It is abs my fav part...!

MrsJaxTellerPlease · 23/01/2022 18:21

Most men are pretty crap. My OH is PHENOMENAL.

Yogalola · 23/01/2022 18:23

Yes most are pretty rubbish, though occasionally you do come across a guy who knows what he’s doing! Unfortunately the rubbish ones don’t appreciate feedback so they carry on regardless and are oblivious to the fact they need coaching. A lot of it is down to laziness and only concerned with their own satisfaction.

hellfire29 · 23/01/2022 18:28

Had a lot of sexual encounters and only a hand full have been rubbish. I think it depends on what you/are they are looking for. I’m 42 and know exactly what I want from a partner and no longer afraid to say what I want even before it leads to the bedroom. Life is too short for bad sex… but it works both ways… have a conversation!