Or are most men a bit rubbish in bed?

[TootsAtOwls]

I promise I’m not a journalist, not am I asking you to tell me your smutty stories. I’m just interested to know if I’m alone in this:

Most men seem to have sex in the same way: a bit of snogging, then give the nipples a tweak on the way to going down on you. If you’re lucky you might get an orgasm that way before the thrusting starts.

The thing is, I think these men think they’re great in bed because they always bang on about how giving oral sex is their favourite thing. But for me it’s pointless if it’s a standalone act while ignoring the rest of me.It just makes me feel like they’re doing it as a means to an end rather than because they’re delighting in every bit of my body. It’s like the scene in friends where Monica says don’t just go straight in to 7, dot around the numbers a bit….

So yanbu: yes, most men stick to a well-worn and not especially interesting routine

Yabu: you’ve been unlucky, loads of men are extremely skilled at sex

I'm currently having the best sex of my life.

I've had lots of great sex now I think of it.

I'm more disappointed with a small willy rather than shit sex.

YANBU

Most mens' mind-reading abilities are woefully insufficient.

The very best of them all were those who genuinely liked women, both in and out of bed, and there were precious few of those.

That’s an insightful comment.

YANBU and perhaps wouldn't be an issue if schools taught about pleasure not just the basics about sex education, like some other more liberal countries do. It's a learned skill, like everything else

I've never noticed a pattern. Had plenty of shit sex but plenty of mind blowing sex also.

I definitely don't think it should be taught in schools, that would make it even more of a route.

I have very limited experience, but what you've described sounds great to me - it could be worse!

Christ on a bike, the entitlement here is depressing. What are you doing for his pleasure / enjoyment / satisfaction? Just lying there to see what he does and then judge him? Lovely.

Did this thread hit a nerve Larry?

I think the fact women orgasm only 1/3 of the time during sex, whereas wen orgasm every time says it all about how good male are at giving pleasure to their partner tbh.

Yabu. Have sex with more men. Give fairly constant and extremely rude instructions (aka 'dirty talk').

I think most are fairly average but the best lover I had definitely go off on how much they could please a woman.

I also think whether or not they've slept with the same person regularly or not in the past makes a huge difference. Some of the worst experiences I have had are with men who sleep around loads but rarely anything other than a ONS.

They've never cared about how a woman responds in bed and none of the women they've been with bothered to give direction as none wanted to repeat the experience. I actually really liked one of those guys but there was such a mountain to climb that it just immediately turned me off.

YANBU

I’m an absolute horndog and despite repeatedly telling my partner what I like and what feels good and what I want him to do, he’s just too self conscious to really go for it, so sex is incredibly formulaic: kiss>tits>finger til orgasm>missionary til he finishes.

At first, I thought he was just shy and would open up when we got to know each other better, but no, he is just a man with a routine.

Oh gosh I miss spontaneous, filthy sex with an experimental partner.

I’ve tried so hard for so long to get him to try something new! I’ve asked, explained, talked it through away from the bedroom, but watching him self-consciously try to nibble my neck or go down is just miserable.

2 kids and a house later and I’m trapped in a hell of boring sex and remembering all the hot sex I had in my youth. I’m so glad I put it about loads when I was young!

Although I do orgasm every single time, so he makes sure that is ticked off the list of predictable moves.

Yanbu I feel I've missed out on a lot of pleasurable sex. I've been with my OH since school and he's the only one I've slept with and sex is the same old routine a quick fumble and straight in.

God almighty Confit where are you in this?? Wouldn't you just take over in that situation?

@PermanentTemporary oh I’ve tried! But he’s very self conscious and it’s horrible when he just freezes up, feeling someone go rigid/panicky when you try something new is not very sexy. It feels like I’m forcing him to do things he doesn’t want to, despite him offering to try. It just leaves me cold.

There’s no history of CSA he’s just very anxious, so doesn’t relax even in bed.

I’ve had truly wonderful sex with most of my past partners (31 previous lovers, go me) so I thought I could train him to relax and open up, if I was vocal about what I liked and enjoyed. But I was wrong.

I've had a few partners who were excellent in bed, unfortunately it was out of it where they proved to be crap and that tends to kick the attraction right in the teeth. I really miss multiple orgasms lol.

Oh God. Sorry, you poor thing. I suppose at least you are having sex and orgasms. Things could change i guess, you never know.

@PermanentTemporary I’ve sacrificed wild sex for a nice, comfortable life with a man who is a great Dad and thoughtful and kind partner. I adore him and we are great together.

Our sex life is satisfactory: nice, polite and gentle, but if I’m honest (and I’d never say this anywhere than to a forum full of strangers) it is dull and predictable, but I have decided it’s a trade off I can live with.

At least I have my memories sigh

I don't think it's a clear cut YABU or YANBU answer. You may have been unlucky. Some guys are like this, and won't or can't take a hint let alone a flat out direction. If it's a one night stand or a casual fling, I've found the guys tend to be more selfish in bed. That being said, some actually find it a turn on to please their partner, pay attention to what makes the other person happy and ask what the other person wants. I hope you find one of those soon!

I used to think most men were bad in bed in my early 20s, before I got the confidence to tell them what I actually wanted to do to them, and for them to do to me.

Sometimes you get a hopeless case where on amount of instruction will make them deviate from their path, but it's amazing how a little guidance can transform sex.

Beyond that it's about compatibility, which is pretty random. Sometimes a man can do all the right things on paper, not be selfish at all, and it's just not right for you. Sometimes you're not into the same positions or actions. Sometimes communication can put you more on the same page, sometimes it can't be overcome. It is what it is.

@Confitoffuck

You sound like you need a FWB

Exactly the same situation I found myself in but more issues with the relationship other than the bedroom

It's a game changer x

I know it varies but I'm here chiefly to say that I was about 35 when I realised that I was crap in bed!

Victoria Wood had a song in which she said she was over 30 when she realised that "girls can move as well", which sort of summed it up for me.

I used to think most men were bad in bed in my early 20s, before I got the confidence to tell them what I actually wanted to do to them, and for them to do to me.

I think communication goes both ways really but I’m always surprised how the responsibility to establish said communication falls onto women rather than men.
Granted in this case, this is all for the benefit of women. But shouldn’t you want to know what your partner enjoys too?

Gets better as you get older. Best sex for me has been from mid 40s onwards. Current partner is the best ever.

You have to fancy the pants off each other. Without that chemistry, it’s not good sex.

The vast majority of English men I've slept with (not all) have been average or boring. I think most sex in a long term relationship can be one boring unless you make an effort to spice it up.