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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or are most men a bit rubbish in bed?

258 replies

TootsAtOwls · 22/01/2022 21:14

I promise I’m not a journalist, not am I asking you to tell me your smutty stories. I’m just interested to know if I’m alone in this:

Most men seem to have sex in the same way: a bit of snogging, then give the nipples a tweak on the way to going down on you. If you’re lucky you might get an orgasm that way before the thrusting starts.

The thing is, I think these men think they’re great in bed because they always bang on about how giving oral sex is their favourite thing. But for me it’s pointless if it’s a standalone act while ignoring the rest of me.It just makes me feel like they’re doing it as a means to an end rather than because they’re delighting in every bit of my body. It’s like the scene in friends where Monica says don’t just go straight in to 7, dot around the numbers a bit….

So yanbu: yes, most men stick to a well-worn and not especially interesting routine

Yabu: you’ve been unlucky, loads of men are extremely skilled at sex

OP posts:
Flickflak · 23/01/2022 01:50

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

dipdye · 23/01/2022 02:00

The absolute best I ever had was with a lesbian porn enthusiast who also liked to massage me for hours.

^^

😁 Sounds fabulous

Hawkins001 · 23/01/2022 02:00

@MrsBerthaRochester

I dont like oral. Kept thinking it was maybe because the people who were doing it were bad at it. But nope had oral from lots of men and quite a few women and I just dont like it. Love giving it though. To both sexes.
That's why I mentioned my preference on oral, so I'm not the first person to discuss the matter, apologies to mumsnet hq, but as others brought up the topic I just followed.
Hawkins001 · 23/01/2022 02:05

Heaven forbid, a sex thread and people reporting posts, that holy smokes are within context of topics being discussed,

SantaClawsServiette · 23/01/2022 02:12

@AuntTwacky

Jeez how miserable! How can you not like receiving oral
Based on threads I've seen, there are a bunch of reasons. Some find they need firmer stimulation, some find it too directly stimulating, and quite a few seem to find it too wet dislike the textures involved.
veevee04 · 23/01/2022 02:16

The best guy I had in bed had ED and premature ejaculation it literally lasted 10 seconds without viagra but he was all about the kissing massaging touching me it was basically just about me Blush I've never had so many orgasms in my life sadly I haven't met anyone else like that and my OH isn't like that he's definitely more selfish in the bedroom department . If my exes dick worked all the time I think I would have stayed with him and overlooked that he was nobhead.

XelaM · 23/01/2022 02:36

I'm one of those weird women who likes to give but not receive oral 🤷‍♀️ I find it a turn-off

Tevion28 · 23/01/2022 02:59

Yes typical routine is a snog, kissing tits, quick rub of the clit and then the thrusting commences.

1forAll74 · 23/01/2022 03:14

I think that sexual matters were more refined and maybe more passionate in the 6o's era. speaking as an oldie. Men were not influenced by porn and kinky stuff then, and generally those that were on the shy side of things as thus, went to cinemas all the time, and got a few ideas off the many films showing romantic entanglements between men and women, and no full sexual encounters, I think a few French arty type films showed nakedness and sex more so.

There were no dating sites years ago and no Fwb sites, so people tended to meet up with someone, and take time to get to know a person, before having sex immediately, so if men were considered rubbish at sex, they would maybe improve more so, after getting into a relationship that went forward after a while.

Riapia · 23/01/2022 06:02

Q. What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball.

A. A man will spend time trying to find a golf ball.

Isaw3ships · 23/01/2022 07:50

@LarryTheLurker ‘ Christ on a bike, the entitlement here is depressing. ’

Given that we’d is supposed to be about pleasure, women are just as entitled as men to want to have good sex. If sex was a bit shit all round for everyone then most people wouldn’t bother!

Ponoka7 · 23/01/2022 07:54

@AuntTwacky, it isn't miserable to have sexual preferences. Oral doesn't work for everyone.

I was possibly lucky in that I married young and had good sex. By the time I was Widowed in my 30's, I was sexually confident to know what I wanted and to ask for it. If I wasn't going to be satisfied, then it wasn't happening. As well as porn showing bad sex, it is used as a quick ending and I think that younger men then aren't seeing their sexual partners as something to enjoy and take their time over. It's all about their ending.

ElftonWednesday · 23/01/2022 08:11

IMO the best sex is when you are both so turned on that you hardly know what you are doing. If it gets to the point where someone is twiddling your bits as if they are trying to start the boiler when the pilot light has gone out, frankly I couldn't be bothered.

ladygindiva · 23/01/2022 08:55

@OllyBJolly

Geez. Think I’ve had around 100 partners and I’d agree- the majority of British men are shit in bed. My best experiences have been with women or French or Italian men.
I had the worst kiss off the best looking guy I ever met. He was Italian. The kiss was so bad I never progressed any further.
Russo · 23/01/2022 09:15

@housemaus

Jeez *@Russo it sounds like you really* don't like your husband (and with good reason) Sad
We have kids. Otherwise I would have left a while ago
everythingpassed · 23/01/2022 09:30

I wonder about the border and overlap between not bring good in bed, and sexual dysfunction. For example in M-F relationship where either

  1. Male either premature ejaculation or ED
or
  1. Female never orgasms

I'd expect that only a very small minority of couples would be able to have a good (subjective!) sex life in those scenarios. For the majority it would be a very unsatisfactory situation (rubbish in bed?)

BertramLacey · 23/01/2022 09:35

The very best of them all were those who genuinely liked women, both in and out of bed, and there were precious few of those.

I agree with that. It's one of the many reasons I love my current partner. He just seems to like and respect women in a way I rarely encounter and sex with him is very different, in a good way, from previous sexual partners who knew what they were doing but who I just didn't quite connect with on the same level.

Jeez how miserable! How can you not like receiving oral

We're all different. People prefer different things. Working that out is one of the keys to being a good partner. Don't just assume someone should like something because your five previous partners did, or faked that they did. Work out what that person likes, not what you think they should like.

BertramLacey · 23/01/2022 09:41

2. Female never orgasms

Really? That one? Why do you think that's dysfunctional? For some women it is just physically a lot more difficult. It doesn't stop them either being able to give the other person pleasure or being able to receive pleasure herself. Why this model of sex only being any good if you both orgasm? Why that pressure to perform in a particular, set way? And why try to make a fairly substantial group of women feel shit about themselves?

It's only 'dysfunctional' if you define the function of sex as achieving orgasm. You can have really bad sex in which you do orgasm and great sex in which you don't.

Babdoc · 23/01/2022 09:47

The best sex is with someone who loves you, not just wishes to use you as an orifice.
DH and I met when we were 20 and 19 respectively, and adored each other. We both had high libidos and learned together how to satisfy each other.
I think it helped that we met in the 1970s. There was no violent misogynist internet porn. The emphasis was on female orgasm and young men wanted to be good lovers. DH and I grew up in the hippy “summer of love” era in the late 60s, which was a much gentler time.
I feel very sorry for the current generation of young women. But you really need to re-educate your partners away from aggressive porn, and back to the gentle sensual enjoyment of each other’s bodies.
DH died 30 years ago and I never remarried -but I still cherish lovely memories of him.

EarringsandLipstick · 23/01/2022 10:04

We have kids. Otherwise I would have left a while ago

The contempt & disdain you clearly feel for him will not be creating a good environment for your kids.

Neither of you are happy. Split up, co-parent & be happier.

EarringsandLipstick · 23/01/2022 10:06

@Babdoc

The best sex is with someone who loves you, not just wishes to use you as an orifice. DH and I met when we were 20 and 19 respectively, and adored each other. We both had high libidos and learned together how to satisfy each other. I think it helped that we met in the 1970s. There was no violent misogynist internet porn. The emphasis was on female orgasm and young men wanted to be good lovers. DH and I grew up in the hippy “summer of love” era in the late 60s, which was a much gentler time. I feel very sorry for the current generation of young women. But you really need to re-educate your partners away from aggressive porn, and back to the gentle sensual enjoyment of each other’s bodies. DH died 30 years ago and I never remarried -but I still cherish lovely memories of him.
You always write so warmly about your DH Babdoc 💐
forthetwoofus · 23/01/2022 10:10

@BertramLacey, fully agree with your comment ... take a read: www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/female-sexual-dysfunction/symptoms-causes/syc-20372549

Quote: Persistent, recurrent problems with sexual response, desire, orgasm or pain — that distress you or strain your relationship with your partner — are known medically as sexual dysfunction.

It might not always cause a problem.

I expect it's the same as with a whole range of issues. I certainly would not be happy in a sexual relationship with a man who has premature ejaculation, ED or never orgasmed. It might be OK for him, but not for me .... it might be other for other couples too, but not for me.

liveforsummer · 23/01/2022 10:26

YANBU and ime most men are so confident in their own skills that they won't take direction. Move their hand they'll move it back, ask them to use a different to tough or whatever and they'll change for a seconds then go back to what they think. Mixture of that I think and general selfishness.

liveforsummer · 23/01/2022 10:28

PS I've slept with a lot more men than 7 Blushand it's been a fairly varied cross section. The theme tends to run through them all

feelsobadfeltsogood · 23/01/2022 11:42

Well it's a bit meh with a lot of people but my Fwb changed that when I first kissed him I knew it would be different and it is and we both enjoy knowing what each other want but I'm in my 40's now so it's got better with age and knowing what I want and what to ask for and feeling comfortable asking for what I want too
Meeting him later can to wait