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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or are most men a bit rubbish in bed?

258 replies

TootsAtOwls · 22/01/2022 21:14

I promise I’m not a journalist, not am I asking you to tell me your smutty stories. I’m just interested to know if I’m alone in this:

Most men seem to have sex in the same way: a bit of snogging, then give the nipples a tweak on the way to going down on you. If you’re lucky you might get an orgasm that way before the thrusting starts.

The thing is, I think these men think they’re great in bed because they always bang on about how giving oral sex is their favourite thing. But for me it’s pointless if it’s a standalone act while ignoring the rest of me.It just makes me feel like they’re doing it as a means to an end rather than because they’re delighting in every bit of my body. It’s like the scene in friends where Monica says don’t just go straight in to 7, dot around the numbers a bit….

So yanbu: yes, most men stick to a well-worn and not especially interesting routine

Yabu: you’ve been unlucky, loads of men are extremely skilled at sex

OP posts:
Shboogiebop · 23/01/2022 22:33

I've had a lot of sex with a lot of men. A few were shit, some were average and many were pretty good. A couple were amazing! However none were as good as my boyfriend who is a total sex god at age 58. I believe it has a lot to do with how compatible we are and how much we love each other. Everything feels amazing but nothing beats the actual sex so we spend a lot of time doing that and not so much on other stuff that I previously thought was vital for me to orgasm! A complete revelation for me to know I only ever want to have sex with him after having multiple fuck buddies for quite a few years before I met him.

MissMojoRising · 23/01/2022 22:35

I think it’s a lot about mutual compatibility, if it’s ok for for both partners then once they are happy that’s the important thing.

The most important thing is being aware of your partner’s desires, and your own, be on the same page. Missionary only might be great for some, for others oral might be important, it doesn’t matter once the couple are ok with it.

Nothing worse than an inconsiderate or thoughtless partner, be that a guy just pounding away selfishly, a woman lying there as an idle participant. Good sex takes care and effort from both partners, the details vary by the couple.

MissMojoRising · 23/01/2022 22:37

I should add, good sex is like pornography … you know it when you experience it.

DriverEightt · 23/01/2022 22:49

Personally, I’ve made an effort most of time having sex with DH. Sometimes I’m don’t feel bothered to fully participate and will tell him that.

It’s the same with my DH, he will generally go along with what I ask for :)

But it’s best when we’re both fully engaged, if we’re not then sometimes it’s like scratching an itch for me, glad that I’ve done it, but nothing great.

CatAndHisKit · 23/01/2022 23:30

YANBU

11GrumpsaGrumping · 23/01/2022 23:38

I have done rather a lot of research on the topic and can confirm some are amazing, some are fine, some are rubbish. Depends on the guy and also on the compatibility. I am currently in a sexless marriage and REALLY miss good sex.

OrlandointheWilderness · 23/01/2022 23:44

I have a decent size sample and would say about half have been crap, nearly half have been good and 1 has been exceptional and utterly mind blowingly incredible. Luckily it's the BF!

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 24/01/2022 00:24

Sounds like they're following the well worn base system (the American baseball analogy).

The question is, what actually constitutes good sex?

I'd say it differs according to tastes and orientation.

What would good sex look like for you OP?

chunkymonkey101 · 24/01/2022 00:37

Had a fair amount of experience before I met my DH, mostly pretty average. My DH is amazing and despite being together for a long time we always mix it up and I can honestly say every time we have sex is amazing. It almost makes up for his untidiness! Grin

JangolinaPitt · 24/01/2022 00:51

@Pedalpushers

I've slept with around 30 men and a couple of women and I'd say three quarters weren't great. No correlation to their experience either, plenty of men with a long history who had no moves whatsoever without clear instructions bordering on diagrams. If anything the overly enthusiastic ones are worse, at least if you do nothing then I can take charge, but when you're badly slobbering and grinding and fingers in all the wrong places it's far worse when you're obviously desperately trying so hard.
Agree!!!
JangolinaPitt · 24/01/2022 01:01

@ElftonWednesday

IMO the best sex is when you are both so turned on that you hardly know what you are doing. If it gets to the point where someone is twiddling your bits as if they are trying to start the boiler when the pilot light has gone out, frankly I couldn't be bothered.
I am just loving the sit on this thread! Grin
JangolinaPitt · 24/01/2022 01:02

wit not sit!

Ineke · 24/01/2022 01:21

I’m not overly fond of oral sex. I’ve had very wonderful sex with one person who could not be described as a handsome fella and ok sex with the other men in my life. I would be content to be celibate, although I love being touched, we are now both happy to have a non penetrating and satisfying sex life. Some men need guidance, tell him what you like and don’t like, else nothing will change.

Homerlovesdonuts · 24/01/2022 07:33

@StormTreader

In my experience, the more well-endowed they are, the worse they are in bed! The sweet spot is averagely-endowed and with a LOT of previous partners, they know what they're doing and make an effort.
Heard that from my partner! Men with big dicks think they are porn stars 😂 and don't know how to use it . As a man with average size but a good tongue, fingers and most importantly mind I like to think I contribute greatly to our great sex life. Lots of passion, lots of kissing all over the body, tender, touching different positions etc. We also communicate, I have really sensitive nipples and bum 😉 and love them played with if I didn't tell her she wouldn't know. Like wise her pleasures I have been told about. Without knowing how can I give her deep multiple orgasms. She give me orgasms I don't just come physically it is all in the mind as well.
merrymelodies · 24/01/2022 07:49

You're NBU. In the whole of my adult life, I had one partner, just one, who was magic. And I loved him with all my heart. And I think he's my last because having had the best, I couldn't settle for less.

Homerlovesdonuts · 24/01/2022 08:03

@Abhannmor

So to sum up the YANBU posts : I've shagged lots of men and I fully intend to keep shagging them. You are spot on , they are all fucking useless and I don't know why I do this to myself Grin
Because you shag them, they just shag you. Mutually unsatisfied
MyMessageToYou · 24/01/2022 08:07

For me it's all about being in sync with your partner. If each partner thinks about what the other partner wants/likes, then it is really wonderful. It's also important for both partners to take the initiative from time to time, communication is key, etc.

With respect the sexual dysfunction further up the thread, they certainly could me major issues in a relationship. For example, I'm certain that my relationship with DH would not have evolved like it has if he had PE, ED or never orgasmed. The relationship would not have developed, he'd be better off without me.

Guacamole001 · 24/01/2022 08:18

OP I think you are right. Many crap at it. I have lived with 4 partners over the years. 1 I had to teach. First one he was no good but he was my first partner so I was none the wiser.

Since being single although I have no desire or need for a relationship many men are quite unskilled...!

Hopeless lol.

mynameisbiggles · 24/01/2022 11:07

Some are, some aren't. Some women are dreadful in bed too. Porn has much to answer for as both sexes are, these days, undoubtedly bemused and confused as to what is expected of them. Closeness, passion, compassion, and understanding each others needs and desires are important. Do you want sex or love-making - there is a difference.But ultimately you must tell your Man what you want, he's not a mind-reader. Hope the dissapointment doesn't last all your marriage.

BubblestarUK · 24/01/2022 11:34

It might just be me, but feelings for the man have a lot to do with if I enjoy the sex or not. For example my current partner doesn’t do anything out of the ordinary, no trapeze acts or spectacular moves, but he’s loving, he’s passionate, you can tell he really cares and loves me and my body (no matter how horrid I think it is!) and I get completely lost with him. The trust and love between partners makes up a huge part of if the sex is good or not. Porn is responsible for a lot of men and woman blundering through sex and lying about what they feel etc.

MorningStarling · 24/01/2022 11:49

Usually men who are good at sex straight away are like that because they've fucked an awful lot of women. Most men who've had a limited number of partners don't immediately click with a new woman in bed, they need time to learn what she likes because everyone is different. Only men who've slept with a different woman every week can please straight away, and a man who's fucked more women than I've had hot dinners isn't a turn on for me.

Morgysmum · 24/01/2022 12:08

Same here, the 2 guys that I have been with, are pretty much the same.
With one, I could predict the routine. I bit like wam bang thank you mam. I could have fallen to sleep during and they probably wouldn't notice.

Unphased · 24/01/2022 12:24

What does the op want her man to do to her sexually?

Blossomtoes · 24/01/2022 12:46

@Unphased

What does the op want her man to do to her sexually?
Delight in every bit of her body. 😂😂😂
BertramLacey · 24/01/2022 13:00

Usually men who are good at sex straight away are like that because they've fucked an awful lot of women. Most men who've had a limited number of partners don't immediately click with a new woman in bed, they need time to learn what she likes because everyone is different. Only men who've slept with a different woman every week can please straight away, and a man who's fucked more women than I've had hot dinners isn't a turn on for me.

I haven't found that. IME men who've had lots of partners but not spent time with anyone in particular tend to be quite mechanical. Sure, they may have a lot of moves, but they lack an attempt to make an emotional connection. So if their moves don't work on you, they tend to think it's your fault rather than that maybe you're just different. My current partner hasn't had many previous partners himself but he has stayed with all of them long term and the emotional connection with him is just so much better.