Or are most men a bit rubbish in bed?

[TootsAtOwls]

I promise I’m not a journalist, not am I asking you to tell me your smutty stories. I’m just interested to know if I’m alone in this:

Most men seem to have sex in the same way: a bit of snogging, then give the nipples a tweak on the way to going down on you. If you’re lucky you might get an orgasm that way before the thrusting starts.

The thing is, I think these men think they’re great in bed because they always bang on about how giving oral sex is their favourite thing. But for me it’s pointless if it’s a standalone act while ignoring the rest of me.It just makes me feel like they’re doing it as a means to an end rather than because they’re delighting in every bit of my body. It’s like the scene in friends where Monica says don’t just go straight in to 7, dot around the numbers a bit….

So yanbu: yes, most men stick to a well-worn and not especially interesting routine

Yabu: you’ve been unlucky, loads of men are extremely skilled at sex

Hollywood style sex

In the same way as men might think porn reflect real life, do you think you have expectations that are equally unrealistic but in a different way?

What is 'Hollywood style sex' defined as?

I think men being good or bad in bed is a myth. IME for women it's largely inside out heads mIf you feel horny and attracted to them at point of contact then sex will be great. If they don't turn you on pre-sex then they can have the hugest penis or most powerful tongue in the world and it will do nothing for you.

This is based on over 40 years of sex ranging from partners I've known for a couple of hours to those I've waited months to sleep with.

@Divebar2021

When men complain about their female partners they say 1) they just lie there waiting to be serviced 2) they are unadventurous and reluctant to try new things 3) they lack intensity

I dare say posters here wouldn’t recognise themselves in those descriptions any more than lots of men wouldn’t recognise themselves in the OP.

I can understand the first two.....but the third? That just sounds like they expect women to perform like porn stars, to act out their pleasure in a really obvious way.

YANBU. And they slept with a good number.

If you don't tell 'em what you want then how are they supposed to know? YABU! Although there are some that are routine, it's good to educate them that we're all different and like different things from a lover.

Yeah reading some of these makes me kinda glad to be gay admittedly 😂

I’m sure they’re not all so bad really though!

3 pass male partners yes, all crap

Partner now, Well, amazing!!!!!

Yeah reading some of these makes me kinda glad to be gay

Thanks for that ear worm.

I think women are, on average, less formulaic than men. Unless we have huge sample sizes, though, all our opinions are probably down to luck.

In my experience, they're only as good as you teach them to be. If you're lucky, they're an eager pupil and a quick learner.

We're all different in what 'floats our boat' so a man won't know how to 'please every woman all of the time'. They may have the general 'technique' but we teach them our own personal 'refinements'.

I’ve never had particularly good sex (not many partners, wish I’d branched out a bit more) and now it has been so long I think I’ve missed the window. I wouldn’t mind having another go at some point, but I can’t see that happening now…

Statistically significant sample size here

It’s a conversation. It’s the chemistry. And it’s the atmosphere of “we are both doing this because we both know we both enjoy it” rather than “c’mon do me a favour, I’ve cut the lawn and put the bins out.” My exH was like that - it was a thing he took from me and it eventually turned my stomach.

Never had great sex.

I've slept with around 30 men and a couple of women and I'd say three quarters weren't great. No correlation to their experience either, plenty of men with a long history who had no moves whatsoever without clear instructions bordering on diagrams. If anything the overly enthusiastic ones are worse, at least if you do nothing then I can take charge, but when you're badly slobbering and grinding and fingers in all the wrong places it's far worse when you're obviously desperately trying so hard.

Yanbu.

I've slept with 20 men and only one was amazing in bed. I can think of another two that were pretty good, and the rest were boring/predictable.

@Divebar2021

When men complain about their female partners they say 1) they just lie there waiting to be serviced 2) they are unadventurous and reluctant to try new things 3) they lack intensity

I dare say posters here wouldn’t recognise themselves in those descriptions any more than lots of men wouldn’t recognise themselves in the OP.

Having had a long conversation with my husband he’s said all of those things. Apparently we used to have the most amazing sex. The reason I am those things is because ...

1. Wash mate , you stink
2. The only thing I want in my ass is a turd that’s on it’s way out
3. The foreplay stopped because you clipped me and made me bleed which then lead to an infection and put me in hospital
4. Double dipping? No.
5. I don’t want excessive amounts of stringy saliva all over my naked body. It’s disgusting. You dog.
6. I understand you believe in natural health but get to a dentist your breath stinks due to the plaque build up under your gums. A little fluoride toothpaste goes a long way, it won’t f*ing kill you.
7. No I don’t want to talk to you about my exes whilst you’re getting off
8. Regardless of how many times you swallow your burps, I can still smell them
9. How about you don’t just roll over and fall asleep once we are done or run downstairs to watch tv? I know your parents weren’t affectionate towards you growing up but I like affection!

10. You make my skin crawl

Statistically significant sample size here

Here too. I just... I dunno... I regard sex as a pastime like watching a film or playing a game. Sometimes you're in the mood, sometimes not. Even when it's very... proficient it's still just sex. I've had great sex, I just don't really care that much if it's great or good or ok.

The best sex I ever had was with my boyfriend I had from age 16-23.

Lord above it was so good but we were young and we lost our virginity to each other and discovered a lot with each other. Him going down on me still makes me feel weak at the knees. He just knew what to do and I would tell him exactly what to do.

Sorry, wasn't laughing at your great sex.
It was the burp swallowing.

Jeez @Russo it sounds like you really don't like your husband (and with good reason)

@Russo life’s too short.

Also having sampled a statistically significant number here (I love this description and am keeping it forever) of both men and women, but 90% men - YABU.

I've had more 'fine' sex than anything else, but far more 'excellent' than 'a bit rubbish' - I think, as PP said, it comes down to chemistry, but it also comes down to what you're taking into it, too. If you're having sex out of obligation, or expecting it to be shit, or not willing/able to say exactly what you want them to do, or expecting it to be full-on Mills & Boon, you might end up disappointed.

Some of that will undoubtedly be on them, but some is on you too - sex is just an activity like anything else, and the really mindblowing, bodice-ripper-novel-good stuff comes from chemistry rather than enthusiasm on their behalf.

I've had sex with men who were very 'I want to luxuriate in your pleasure' types and it gave me the creeps because the chemistry wasn't quite there and actually I'd rather have just been fucked than having had them spend ages trying to show how passionate they were. Equally, I've had reasonably low-effort quickies with DH (and others in the past!) that I still think about now where there was none of that and the chemistry between us and the energy we were both bringing to the table (or in one particularly memorable experience with DH, to the AirBnB shower room while everyone was waiting for us at breakfast ) was what made it excellent.

Not to absolve lazy or 'let's get to the bit where I come' shaggers, because they are definitely out there and should be ashamed of themselves , but the best thing you can do for a good sex life - apart from only fucking people who you REALLY, REALLY fancy - is to be confident in yourself, know what you want, how to ask for it, and treat it like the basic animal thing it is. Sometimes it's gonna be functional, and an orgasm is just a basic tick exercise - like scratching an itch. Sometimes it's going to be great, and occasionally it'll be 'I could paint a Michaelangelo' good but the variables all have to line up!

I agree about the oral, lots of men don’t even like doing that so I think you’ve been lucky there most just want to skip straight to it!

Had mind blowing sex with several partners.
If they don't curl your toes when they kiss you, it sort of follows that your not as sexually comparable as you think.
With your eyes closed looks are not as important as people think.
The guy who makes you melt with a kiss is a better bet.