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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want DH to take 6months paternity leave

241 replies

Beeswax2022 · 22/01/2022 15:43

AIBU to not want DH at home with me for SIX consecutive months?
He has the option to spread it over a year so could do 2months at home, 2months at work etc which is a much better option IMO. Baby will benefit from some quality time with him when he/she is a little bit older and probably partly bottle fed by then etc.
Surely I can’t be the only person who would hate their DH to be home for a full 6months, especially after giving birth!?
Of course, I want him to have a good amount of time at the beginning to bond with our newborn but not a whole 6months in one go.
I probably sound selfish but he’s not an easy, chilled person to be around. He is in your face, loud, needy and constantly needs tv/iPad on. Baby and I will need peace and quiet a lot of the time Smile

I can handle all this for the evenings and weekends but not for that many months and for 24/7 (he doesn’t go out much)
This will be our 4th baby and he has never been in the position to take more than 2 weeks paternity for the others…. Maybe I just need to accept his choice and how he wants to take his paternity leave…

OP posts:
Abracadabra12345 · 22/01/2022 22:35

@Migrainesbythedozen

YABU I would want my husband with me for 6 months, then again I love him and would love him to be home with me permanently and not have to work at all, I wouldn't have had 2, let alone 4 children with him if he was so 'in your face' and exhausting. Contraception is a good thing for that. I would go express milk (if possible) and go back to work if it were me. That he even wants to take paternity leave is a good thing, he sounds like a good man so I don't know what you're whingeing about. You don't know how lucky you are. If you find his personality so taxing, why did you marry him and have not one, not two, not three, but four children with him, if you are so incompatible personality wise? You don't really make much sense I'm afraid.
I’m sure that was a big help to the OP
KarmaStar · 22/01/2022 22:54

You sound controlling and you don't like being told yabu.
Your description of your dh is spiteful .
I feel for him.

Totopoly · 22/01/2022 22:54

@Fairylightsongs

Op aibu Mn yes Am I fuck let’s fight.

😂

What?

The AIBU vote is split 57/43 (that the OP is BU). That's hardly MN unanimously saying she is being unreasonable.

And even if it were 99% saying she was BU, your comment is still very hackneyed and is not funny.

FridaRose · 22/01/2022 22:55

My DP wfh and only 3 days a week, I'm the same. We're together a lot and love that.

Baby due soon and I'm really looking forward to him being around when the baby is born! YABU, why would you marry someone you can't be around a lot? Especially at such a magical time when the baby is born. Cooing over the baby together, then DP can watch the baby when I nap, etc.
your situation sounds Very odd.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/01/2022 22:56

So what's your take on adoption leave then?
That's 12 months off and no carrying of a baby involved
But no one starts it two months before they have the child.

FridaRose · 22/01/2022 23:01

@cultkid

When I've had my boys we always go off on holiday as much as possible, my husband is self employed but it's such a special time in our lives with a new born. We like not having all the visitors etc and babies are easy to travel with. Our third is due in a few months and I think we will go down to Cornwall for a month or so to enjoy being a family.

I don't want to spend every waking moment with my husband but I wouldn't begrudge him having six months off, he deserves it with how hard he works to provide for us and the fact I've not worked for six years and have no intention to ever work again to be honest because it's hard and I don't want to. He pays for everything and I'm super grateful. I love him so much!

Hi can you provide any tips etc on travelling with a newborn? We're considering that Smile I've been reading a lot about it but it's still a fascinating topic because not many new parents do it but to me it seems like a great time to do it (if both parents are on parental leave).
crazyjinglist · 22/01/2022 23:09

I probably sound selfish but he’s not an easy, chilled person to be around. He is in your face, loud, needy and constantly needs tv/iPad on.

Ummmm..... You (understandably) don't sound as if you like him very much. If my dh were like that, I wouldn't want him at home either. Fortunately I didn't marry a loud, needy manchild though...

Rewis · 22/01/2022 23:21

Isn't there any rules in place? Like can he axtislly take 2 months of paternity leave before the baby is even born? Is he allowed to be at home with you for 6 months while you are on maternity?

Where I'm from you can't go on maternity or paternity leave 2 month before the child is born and there is limited number if weeks that the father can be on paternity leave same time when the mom is on maternity. So usually dad takes the joint weeks with mom right after the baby is born. Then rest of the weeks when mom goes back to work. Then the kid either goes to nursery or the parents split their care/parental leave.

Sometimeswinning · 22/01/2022 23:36

@jigglypiggly honestly that's also not comparable.

Someone commented on if it was a man complaining about maternity leave for a woman it would be a different reaction. Not one bit of this post is about adoption/Foster leave. Funnily enough I wouldn't have made that comment if it was. Confused

timeisnotaline · 23/01/2022 00:02

@JigglyPiggly adoption leave starts when child arrives or maybe a few days before. NEVER two months before. Also, parents take adoption leave to look after the baby/child not to indulge in exploring their inner self/doing whatever the fuck they want while their partner looks after the child.

My dh is going on paternity leave when I go back to work. He will obviously be doing all the cooking, school and nursery runs and activities for the 3 of them, will take point on hiring a nanny for when he goes back to work, and I’m going to have a very clear discussion with him about expecting the same level he expects from me while on mat leave, with the huge distinction that he is a healthy fit man, who is neither recovering from birth not waking every hour of the night with a newborn, so will have no challenges doing the washing, tidying, reorganising cupboards, school uniforms etc. and that if he spends all day at hi mums so he can nap and go for a run etc while she minds our dc, or takes them out doing fun things (which he’s pretty good at tbh) then he won’t have done anything at home that day so he will have to schedule enough home days to complete his sahd tasks, and I don’t unpack bags and wash dirty things from days out either. That’s paternity leave- doing just as much as a mum does. If he did the bare minimum my Iove for him would drop off a cliff.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/01/2022 04:55

So he IS basically using it as 6 months holiday for himself alone, not for supporting you, the kids or the baby.

He's a selfish arse and that would make me pretty angry too.

DrSbaitso · 23/01/2022 05:11

What’s wrong with feeling that 7 days a week for a consecutive 6 months, will be too much in one go!? We have never lived like that before and been together nearly 20 years.

How on earth have you managed that?

racquel86 · 23/01/2022 05:28

OP - I get this completely 🙌🏻🤣
I love my other half very much, I wouldn't be without him, in fact due to a period of poor mental health I may not even be here if it wasn't for his patience, caring and not giving up on me ❤️

BUT - 6months with him and me off work 😱😱😱 🤣🤣🤣 it would drive me insane 🤣

cabingirl · 23/01/2022 05:39

@DrSbaitso

What’s wrong with feeling that 7 days a week for a consecutive 6 months, will be too much in one go!? We have never lived like that before and been together nearly 20 years.

How on earth have you managed that?

Presumably, because they have both had jobs which take them out of the house on a weekly basis.

She's saying they have never been off work together for six months with both at home all day.

I can't imagine many people had that before the pandemic. And even those of us who had both spouses working from home during 2020 had 8 hours a day several days a week where we were heads down, in separate rooms actually working like were in the office.

I'm with you OP - I love DH but we all need space and alone time. And it doesn't sound like he's prepared to work with you on how to use those six months best to help the whole family.

Has he explained why he's chosed the time frame he has? What does he say when you ask him how he will be using the time he is taking?

SpiderinaWingMirror · 23/01/2022 05:56

Because its probably the only chance he is going to get to have 6 months off work before he is old?

Flickflak · 23/01/2022 06:21

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

timeisnotaline · 23/01/2022 07:14

@Flickflak

Wouldn’t it make more sense for him to take it once you are back at work? Different countries but here the parent taking parental leave has to prove they are primary carer in most companies.
It would, but it sounds like he doesn’t like that plan because it would mean he’d have to parent instead of skive off for 6 months Shock. I really hope the op puts him straight about a fair division of labour, and if he sticks with this plan puts her feet up from 8 months pregnant while he cooks, cleans and looks after the dc.
easyluckyfree · 23/01/2022 07:25

Why post on AIBU if you’re totally incapable of accepting that you might be unreasonable?

I think your post is pretty unpleasant. It’s not just your baby. “Baby and I will need peace and quiet” - so what, you just expect your husband to take a total back seat while you get exactly what you like and total monopoly on time to bond with the baby? I appreciate that you want him to take it spread out, but surely you can see that it’s not your choice nor is it necessarily practical for work.

If you aren’t able as a couple to communicate about how you would (reasonably) like a chilled atmosphere in the house, and how you can work together to achieve that while he’s off, then you have bigger problems than his paternity leave.

easyluckyfree · 23/01/2022 07:27

Also, the two months before the baby is born thing - fine if he’s planning on using it to support you and do lots of prep etc but otherwise not so much.

If you think he will actually not do anything to help you in this time then, again, bigger problems. I hope that isn’t the case.

KO81 · 23/01/2022 07:55

@Fairylightsongs

Op aibu Mn yes Am I fuck let’s fight.

😂

Eh? There’s loads of rational posters who understand the OP. Your sort of comment only works (and is as funny as you seem to think) on total whitewash threads where the OP still keeps coming back. Confused

Here, the OP is not impressed by her husband taking six months paternity leave, two before the baby is even born, as he is planning on treating it as some sort of free holiday for him to do the things he likes, he won’t be using it to bond with his new child.

Dullrugby · 23/01/2022 08:45

Lot of posters are hard of understanding.

  1. pat leave or adoption leave and part of mat leave are TO TAKE SOLE CHARGE OF THE BABY. mat leave obviously also to recover from birth.

  2. This man is spaffing his paternity leave up the wall (and I say that because he reminds me of BoJo in some way Smile) . The family will lose actual money and time if he wastes this and OP will carry an extra burden she shouldn't have to.

  3. OP has muddied the water by talking about him being annoying to be around - that's not really the point, but it's worrying that you feel so disempowered in the family that you are saying "ach, he'll do what he wants" rather than feeling you can make a decision together.

I think he sounds pretty dodgy.

Dullrugby · 23/01/2022 08:47

I think OP said "baby and I will need peace and quiet" because she assumed that she'd be doing everything...because that's what she does.

MananaTomorrow · 23/01/2022 08:51

@easyluckyfree

Why post on AIBU if you’re totally incapable of accepting that you might be unreasonable?

I think your post is pretty unpleasant. It’s not just your baby. “Baby and I will need peace and quiet” - so what, you just expect your husband to take a total back seat while you get exactly what you like and total monopoly on time to bond with the baby? I appreciate that you want him to take it spread out, but surely you can see that it’s not your choice nor is it necessarily practical for work.

If you aren’t able as a couple to communicate about how you would (reasonably) like a chilled atmosphere in the house, and how you can work together to achieve that while he’s off, then you have bigger problems than his paternity leave.

That’s probably because there are also quite a few posters agreeing with her? This guy is just wanting 6 months if holidays to do fuck all whilst the OP STILL does everything.

If he wanted to bind with his baby, he would take the 6 months AFTERWARDS when the OP is back at work and he is in sole charge of baby AND the other 3 dcs.
But he won’t. Because that’s hard work. (See the two months on PL before the birth - that’s not going to help him bind with baby….)

HardbackWriter · 23/01/2022 08:57

@SpiderinaWingMirror

Because its probably the only chance he is going to get to have 6 months off work before he is old?
But it's parental leave, not a holiday and the whole problem is that he seems to have got the two concepts confused. His primary motivation shouldn't be time off work.
cultkid · 23/01/2022 09:21

@fridarose

Of course, I have heaps, I'll message you this week x

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