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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want DH to take 6months paternity leave

241 replies

Beeswax2022 · 22/01/2022 15:43

AIBU to not want DH at home with me for SIX consecutive months?
He has the option to spread it over a year so could do 2months at home, 2months at work etc which is a much better option IMO. Baby will benefit from some quality time with him when he/she is a little bit older and probably partly bottle fed by then etc.
Surely I can’t be the only person who would hate their DH to be home for a full 6months, especially after giving birth!?
Of course, I want him to have a good amount of time at the beginning to bond with our newborn but not a whole 6months in one go.
I probably sound selfish but he’s not an easy, chilled person to be around. He is in your face, loud, needy and constantly needs tv/iPad on. Baby and I will need peace and quiet a lot of the time Smile

I can handle all this for the evenings and weekends but not for that many months and for 24/7 (he doesn’t go out much)
This will be our 4th baby and he has never been in the position to take more than 2 weeks paternity for the others…. Maybe I just need to accept his choice and how he wants to take his paternity leave…

OP posts:
fishonabicycle · 22/01/2022 19:55

Why doesn't he take the time when your leave finishes? Put off having to get a childminder.

KO81 · 22/01/2022 20:15

@fishonabicycle

Why doesn't he take the time when your leave finishes? Put off having to get a childminder.
Because then he wouldn’t get to treat us as a six month holiday…
Goldbar · 22/01/2022 20:50

@ttcstinks

YABU, spin this thread in its head for one minute and imagine a bloke was slagging his wife off for wanting six months with the baby?
But the baby is going to be in his wife's tummy for 2 of those months. How is that 'spending time with the baby'?!!!
Sometimeswinning · 22/01/2022 20:58

^ttcstinks

YABU, spin this thread in its head for one minute and imagine a bloke was slagging his wife off for wanting six months with the baby?^

I think it's usually the wife who carries and gives birth? You really can't compare the two circumstances. I'm at a loss why you did.

JigglyPiggly · 22/01/2022 21:02

@Sometimeswinning

^ttcstinks

YABU, spin this thread in its head for one minute and imagine a bloke was slagging his wife off for wanting six months with the baby?^

I think it's usually the wife who carries and gives birth? You really can't compare the two circumstances. I'm at a loss why you did.

So what's your take on adoption leave then?

That's 12 months off and no carrying of a baby involved

ButtockUp · 22/01/2022 21:09

If he has the option then he should take it.
It's not just your decision, is it? You are both the baby's parents.
If you can't stand having him around you at this very special time then you've clearly got relationship issues.
Either you go back to work or he asks for an extension to take his paternity leave.

You are both in an extremely rare situation. Embrace it or fold.

Thatsplentyjack · 22/01/2022 21:20

@MrsBaublesDylan

How have you managed to have four children with a man you describe as 'loud, in your face and needy'?
Hmm do you really need the sex talk?
JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 22/01/2022 21:22

Wouldn't it make more sense for him to take the leave when you return to work, have six months just him and baby to bond, and save on childcare.

PerseverancePays · 22/01/2022 21:23

He clearly sees it as a free , no strings or obligations holiday with a ready made household appliance in place doing all the domestic duties.
Can you have any kind of conversation about expectations? School runs, chores, cooking, laundry while he’s on ‘paternity leave ‘?
Otherwise I would draw my battle lines now so he has absolute clarity on how his holiday is going to pan out.

roarfeckingroarr · 22/01/2022 21:23

YANBU fuck that

Thatsplentyjack · 22/01/2022 21:23

I agree OP. He's clearly just looking forward to a nice 6 month holiday.

Original poster
Beeswax2022 · 22/01/2022 21:26

@ButtockUp

If he has the option then he should take it. It's not just your decision, is it? You are both the baby's parents. If you can't stand having him around you at this very special time then you've clearly got relationship issues. Either you go back to work or he asks for an extension to take his paternity leave.

You are both in an extremely rare situation. Embrace it or fold.

Yes he should take it, never said he shouldn’t??? I just don’t think he should take it all at once at the beginning, he should take some of it when the baby is older. Also not take 2months of it before I even give birth to our child.

Your correct, it’s not my decision and ultimately he’ll do what he wants.

OP posts:
tiggergoesbounce · 22/01/2022 21:28

I think he should take the leave when he wants to. If he pulls his weight (which im assuming he does if youve had 4 kids with him) it will be great having him at home to do his share of everything, he can bond with baby while you shower, sleep, or whatever else you want to do, see friends etc.
If hes up through the night with baby, he wont be tired at work.

Im assuming childcare costs arent an issue for those mentioning it as the OP has said she can support the family on her income.

Enjoy the time as a family and relax.

BobMortimersTrout · 22/01/2022 21:32

Bloody hell you're being treated roughly here OP - I totally agree with you, he's taking paternity leave because he sees it as a little holiday from work as you'll be around to look after the baby, right ? It would be WAY more beneficial for him to take it after you've gone back to work, that's how shared parental leave is done in almost every instance I've come across. I'm sorry he's not talking to you about this.

Twofurrycats · 22/01/2022 21:36

So 6 months paternity leave 2 of which are before the baby arrives and the rest while you're at home. Unless you're going to say that your other pregnancies you were on bedrest for months or babies arrived early it sounds more like 'holiday' than anything else.

Cameleongirl · 22/01/2022 21:39

Looking at the big picture, it makes sense for him to take paternity leave when it's best for your family as a whole, not just when it suits him or even you. As PP's have said, taking at least some over school holidays would be perfect as he could help entertain your other children.

That's how I'd approach the conversation anyway. If he disagrees on when the best time is, fair enough.

timeisnotaline · 22/01/2022 21:47

I think if I told him I was going to give birth and then go back to work after a week and he could have the baby for 6 months… well, he’d have something to say about that and be back in the office the next day. He hasn’t once mentioned about it being an opportunity to bond with the baby, support me, help with the older kids.. it’s all been about what he can do for himself on his paternity leave. Definitely nothing to be jealous about!
This is not what paternity leave is about. His work will surely massively judge him for going on leave 2 months before baby is born, I’m surprised it’s even allowed?? Mine will do all the school runs and picks ups the first couple of weeks, and ongoing if he were home, share nights enough that I get some sleep, cook, clean. If yours is just going to do his own thing how do you even like him? Have you spoken to him and said you will be doing the school run daily, taking the other dc to anything else they have on, all meals while you’re literally just on holiday before baby is born and then for the first month and there’s no tv while I or baby are resting?? Because if you haven’t you will truly hate the sight of him after a few weeks surely?!

LimeSegment · 22/01/2022 21:57

This sounds like my nightmare. I like my DH but no I don't want to spend six months sitting around staring at each other. I don't think that's the way to keep conversation alive and fresh in a relationship.

It's not the same as, for example, travelling together for a few months before kids, because you are doing interesting things every day and meeting new people. With a newborn you are at home most of the time.

The obvious thing to do would be to take his leave when you go back to work and be in sole charge of the baby.

This thread is like MN alternate universe, in which couples spend 24/7 together staring in to each other's eyes, men never try to get out of parenting duties, and taking care of four kids is "bliss". Maybe try posting again at a different time of day OP.

Abracadabra12345 · 22/01/2022 22:03

@PolytheneRam

I'd love to spend six months with my husband.
I guess it depends on the husband and the OP’s doesn’t sound someone who is supportive. I agree with another pp that he could be treating it as a 6 month holiday rather than getting stuck in with childcare and the rest. Only she knows

There’s a lot of votes for YANBU but not many posts...6 months is a long time

Migrainesbythedozen · 22/01/2022 22:22

YABU I would want my husband with me for 6 months, then again I love him and would love him to be home with me permanently and not have to work at all, I wouldn't have had 2, let alone 4 children with him if he was so 'in your face' and exhausting. Contraception is a good thing for that. I would go express milk (if possible) and go back to work if it were me. That he even wants to take paternity leave is a good thing, he sounds like a good man so I don't know what you're whingeing about. You don't know how lucky you are. If you find his personality so taxing, why did you marry him and have not one, not two, not three, but four children with him, if you are so incompatible personality wise? You don't really make much sense I'm afraid.

Notmenotme · 22/01/2022 22:26

His work might not even let him do that - I’m on leave and once I go back I have to go back.

Also why do you hate him?

Migrainesbythedozen · 22/01/2022 22:27

It doesn't sound like you both are compatible. And after 4 children, I would be looking at permanent contraception if I were you. Either get your tubes tied during the birth or your DH has a vasectomy.

Fairylightsongs · 22/01/2022 22:31

Op aibu
Mn yes
Am I fuck let’s fight.

😂

lisaandalan · 22/01/2022 22:32

If you are going back to work why don't you ask him to take it once you have to go back to work, that's six months less childcare to pay for. X

Abracadabra12345 · 22/01/2022 22:33

@LimeSegment

This sounds like my nightmare. I like my DH but no I don't want to spend six months sitting around staring at each other. I don't think that's the way to keep conversation alive and fresh in a relationship.

It's not the same as, for example, travelling together for a few months before kids, because you are doing interesting things every day and meeting new people. With a newborn you are at home most of the time.

The obvious thing to do would be to take his leave when you go back to work and be in sole charge of the baby.

This thread is like MN alternate universe, in which couples spend 24/7 together staring in to each other's eyes, men never try to get out of parenting duties, and taking care of four kids is "bliss". Maybe try posting again at a different time of day OP.

Agreed.

The most bizarre suggestions so far are be to spend those 6 months in the countryside or travelling. Obviously no school to worry about for the older kids...Definitely an alternate universe!