Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want DH to take 6months paternity leave

241 replies

Beeswax2022 · 22/01/2022 15:43

AIBU to not want DH at home with me for SIX consecutive months?
He has the option to spread it over a year so could do 2months at home, 2months at work etc which is a much better option IMO. Baby will benefit from some quality time with him when he/she is a little bit older and probably partly bottle fed by then etc.
Surely I can’t be the only person who would hate their DH to be home for a full 6months, especially after giving birth!?
Of course, I want him to have a good amount of time at the beginning to bond with our newborn but not a whole 6months in one go.
I probably sound selfish but he’s not an easy, chilled person to be around. He is in your face, loud, needy and constantly needs tv/iPad on. Baby and I will need peace and quiet a lot of the time Smile

I can handle all this for the evenings and weekends but not for that many months and for 24/7 (he doesn’t go out much)
This will be our 4th baby and he has never been in the position to take more than 2 weeks paternity for the others…. Maybe I just need to accept his choice and how he wants to take his paternity leave…

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 22/01/2022 16:06

There's this amazing stuff called formula milk. Also, you could always express.

It is a little bit bizarre that you're actively wanting your OH to have no involvement in raising your DC. The amount of women here whose DHs do fuck all... Yet here you're the one actively not wanting it.

TBH, it'd not really your decision is it? It's his child too.

TonksInPurple · 22/01/2022 16:06

What about suggesting some things he could do if he took leave later, baby sensory, swimming etc, why is he not taking it when you go back to work to save on childcare or are you stay at home parent?

Luredbyapomegranate · 22/01/2022 16:06

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

I would suggest its better for him to have some after you finish yours if that's an option.
Yes this. Is that not the idea of shared parental leave? You do the first bit and then he takes over when you go back?
HacerSonarSusPasos · 22/01/2022 16:07

@Beeswax2022

I WANT DH to take 6months paternity leave and spend time with baby and me. I just DO NOT want it to be 6months in one go. Why not spread it out over the year? Spend time with baby when first born and spend some time with baby when he/she is nearer 1. I feel that will be more beneficial all round.
But at the same time, for most jobs it would be much more disruptive to be on and off for 2 months, instead of a single 6 month block. Most people's jobs are centered around projects you can't just put on hold whenever you feel like. And it's easier for your employer to find you a replacement for 6 months instead of redistributing your work to your colleagues whenever you're off for a few weeks.

You don't seem to gave given much thought to how this affects him

TonksInPurple · 22/01/2022 16:07

@Treacletoots

There's this amazing stuff called formula milk. Also, you could always express.

It is a little bit bizarre that you're actively wanting your OH to have no involvement in raising your DC. The amount of women here whose DHs do fuck all... Yet here you're the one actively not wanting it.

TBH, it'd not really your decision is it? It's his child too.

Where has she said she wants him to have no involvement! Projecting much?
Gingembre · 22/01/2022 16:07

Why doesn't he take it when your mat leave ends/you finish breastfeeding? How long can he leave it? Then he can take all the responsibility, rather than hang around the house. Seems a bit of a holiday for him otherwise.

And yes, 2 months on and off would be tricky for many laces to accommodate.

user1493494961 · 22/01/2022 16:08

I'd hate it as well. Let him do the school run and meet up with friends on your own.

IntegrityisDead · 22/01/2022 16:10

Does he (or you) think he will be having a six month holiday?
Have you talked about how you will sort things out - who takes responsibility for what etc? That might help both of you get the most out of this opportunity.
You do sound a bit worried that you might just end up with another 'child' at home.
Make some plans with him about school runs, general family stuff, time for yourselves, each of you to have time with the baby etc.- it doesn't have to be written in stone but if you've always done most of that stuff he might not have thought about it either....

LuchiMangsho · 22/01/2022 16:10

DH took 3 months leave (unpaid we are in the US) and I breastfed my babies and went to work (I got 3 months as well which is generous for an employer). It wasn’t fun but it was doable. So DH’s lack of breasts shouldn’t stop him from looking after a breastfed baby.

I also agree with the PP who think that you don’t like the sound of your partner. This is HIS baby too. For the first time he gets to spend six months with a baby- what a privilege for him and his baby. I wouldn’t want to deprive a partner of that.

PolytheneRam · 22/01/2022 16:11

I'd love to spend six months with my husband.

sociallydistained · 22/01/2022 16:13

It'll be better used, half of it for when you go back? I'd hate it personally too 😂

HardbackWriter · 22/01/2022 16:13

I actually agree with OP that I don't think it's the best way to take the leave. With my first baby DH had 8 weeks off when he arrived and then four months off at home when I went back to work (and baby was 6 months). Those first 8 weeks were nice but, contrary to my expectations, we couldn't split things 50-50 with an EBF baby and it didn't feel like it make that much difference overall. Those final four months when he was home alone with the baby, on the other hand, were absolutely transformative and I think it's why we still, three years on, have the most genuine equal parenting of any couple I know. I'm not sure about him going back and forth in the way OP suggests but I don't think it's at all unreasonable to want him to take some of it alone at the end of the baby's first year rather than taking it in one block at the beginning. It would also make much more financial sense for most couples to do it that way.

Original poster
Beeswax2022 · 22/01/2022 16:14

If my DH was that bothered about the parenting side of it.. then why does he want to start his 6months, 2 months before the baby is due!!? Love how people jump to conclusions. I’m not going into anymore details than I have done but am enjoying reading everyone’s opinions Smile

OP posts:
cultkid · 22/01/2022 16:14

Go travelling as a family for 6 months

You sound like you don't want him at home with you, tbh!

It would be a great opportunity for the whole family to go live in the country side for six months etc

Do you work

ikeepseeingit · 22/01/2022 16:14

I think it might be worth suggesting to him that he takes 1 month at the start and 5 months once your baby turns 6/7 months? You said you're only breastfeeding to start with, so he can help out with the weaning and stuff then. It would give you the opportunity for you to go back to work too then if that's what you wanted. You could go to work with the baby at home with him being looked after by your husband.

I do kind of agree it seems pointless you both being off at once. Even just from a financial standpoint. If you're wanting to breastfeed, then this way seems like the nicest setup to me?

DontWantTheRivalry · 22/01/2022 16:14

YABU - I would have loved to have my DH home for 6 months after the birth. It would have been a wonderful experience for him too.

BobHadBitchTits · 22/01/2022 16:15

My husband is self employed in a home based role so is home with me and the baby all the time.

I love it and it's really helpful. I'd love it even more if he didn't have to actually work, too.

But then, I don't find him difficult to be around...

HacerSonarSusPasos · 22/01/2022 16:16

@Beeswax2022

If my DH was that bothered about the parenting side of it.. then why does he want to start his 6months, 2 months before the baby is due!!? Love how people jump to conclusions. I’m not going into anymore details than I have done but am enjoying reading everyone’s opinions Smile
Why's you have a 4th baby with him if his involvement and interest in parenting is so lacking as you are implying here?
neverbeenskiing · 22/01/2022 16:16

Baby and I will need peace and quiet a lot of the time

Have you told your other 3 DC this?

I would have loved to have had DH home with me while I was on Mat leave. But then I actually like my DH.

RosieRoww · 22/01/2022 16:17

I'd love this.
My hubby had only 2 weeks.

HardbackWriter · 22/01/2022 16:17

Incidentally I know two different couples where the man took a couple of months off during the woman's maternity leave and they went travelling as a family. Which sounds blissful and very clever, and was lovely for them at the time, but in both cases it gave the man the impression that maternity leave is just being on holiday. Doing a stint as the only parent at home is so, so different to having extended time with two parents at home, especially for a first child (I know the OP's isn't her first) - two adults and one baby is a very easy gig.

MollyQueenOfSocks · 22/01/2022 16:17

My partner has 2 weeks, unpaid, that he HAS to take consecutively from the day baby is born.

YABU. Dad is just as important as mums and WHY did you marry him if he is such apparent hard work to be around? Hmm

Diggersaursarethebest · 22/01/2022 16:17

Have you suggested he do paternity leave from 6-12 months instead ?
PPs suggesting you express milk when you’re both on parental leave are mad. Expressing is a faff. Why make 3 times as much work for yourself. Pps suggesting you formula feed instead are just rude. Mothers who wish to breastfeed should be supported.

BritWifeInUSA · 22/01/2022 16:18

He’s an adult. If his employer lets him have 6 months, which is very nice indeed, he can take it however he wants within the parameters of the company policy. Why do you think you can dictate to him?

ImmyMc · 22/01/2022 16:19

This is one of the most bizarre posts I've ever read! If you don't want to spend time with your husband, why are you married to him?! My husband is the person I most want to be around in the world, and he will also be at home for six months with the baby and me. I can't wait to have this time. I think your feelings are a bit bizarre, tbh, but each to their own! I know every family is different.