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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want DH to take 6months paternity leave

241 replies

Beeswax2022 · 22/01/2022 15:43

AIBU to not want DH at home with me for SIX consecutive months?
He has the option to spread it over a year so could do 2months at home, 2months at work etc which is a much better option IMO. Baby will benefit from some quality time with him when he/she is a little bit older and probably partly bottle fed by then etc.
Surely I can’t be the only person who would hate their DH to be home for a full 6months, especially after giving birth!?
Of course, I want him to have a good amount of time at the beginning to bond with our newborn but not a whole 6months in one go.
I probably sound selfish but he’s not an easy, chilled person to be around. He is in your face, loud, needy and constantly needs tv/iPad on. Baby and I will need peace and quiet a lot of the time Smile

I can handle all this for the evenings and weekends but not for that many months and for 24/7 (he doesn’t go out much)
This will be our 4th baby and he has never been in the position to take more than 2 weeks paternity for the others…. Maybe I just need to accept his choice and how he wants to take his paternity leave…

OP posts:
HacerSonarSusPasos · 22/01/2022 17:10

@FOTTFSOFTFOASM

OP, I would have killed my husband after six consecutive days, never mind six consecutive months. It's all very well, even if his company is fine - but having him there will spoil all your existing routines and ways of doing things. He will be an extra and unwelcome body in the house, and the mere presence of another adult all the time is oppressive. Though I know others think differently.
The baby's other parent is an extra and unwelcome body in the house?

Wtf? Why didn't you just go to a sperm bank if that's how you feel about the man you chose to father your kids?

theleafandnotthetree · 22/01/2022 17:12

OP, the thought of my ex husband being at home for 6 months makes me feel like I can't breathe so I sympathise! I guess the difference is that I only had two children with him and left him. It does sound from your updates like it is more about him getting 6 months off than making the most judicious use of the leave from everyone elses point of view. You are very very lucky to have this time, I would stringly urge him to make the best use of it

Chailatteplease · 22/01/2022 17:12

Whenever I read posts like this, I always feel like the couples just aren’t a good match.
It was the same in lockdown, people getting frustrated with each other.
I’m an introvert and the only person I can stand to be around for long periods of time is my DH.

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 22/01/2022 17:12

I divorced him instead (he was abusive, though that was not clear at the baby stage).

I couldn't have coped with having anyone hanging around while I was at home with the DC. More practically, though, if the OP is going back to work, it makes far more sense for her DH to take extended paternity leave at that point, so the baby doesn't need to be looked after by anyone else until absolutely necessary.

Chailatteplease · 22/01/2022 17:13

@JigglyPiggly

YABU

If he isn't an easy person to be around you shouldn't have tethered yourself to him for 18+ years

You put it much more succinctly than I did. But yes, this!
Croissantly · 22/01/2022 17:14

A few months on and a few months off is really disruptive at work, people I know who have done it have hated it and wished they'd done it in one. Odd that he's starting it 2 months before your due date though, usually paternity is firmly on and after that date.

Maryann1975 · 22/01/2022 17:19

I’d have hated having dh at home for 6 months of my maternity leave! He worked shifts and did a sleeping night shift so was about a lot but we didn’t need him at home all the time. Surely it would be better for him to take time off after your maternity leave so you can have a SAHP for longer, but then he won’t have the same amount of time for hobbies and doing what ever he wants to do.
As for this comment Because his life is about to change massively and it might be nice to spend time with his wife, enjoying being at home without a screeching baby? OK for you to do that and not him though. Got it
Have you forgotten that it is the mother that is growing a baby inside of her (and her forth baby - ime pregnancy got harder with each baby). If the Mother feels like she needs to have her maternity leave before the baby comes along, so she can rest I would fully support that, but want on Earth is the father going to do for 2 months off while waiting for the baby to arrive. He doesn’t need extra rest because his body Is supporting a new life. Life doesn’t really change a massive amount once you get on to subsequent children, yes there is an extra child to think of but it is in way comparable to having your first child and the way life changes then.

Dullrugby · 22/01/2022 17:19

Don't you need the money? I thought having the extra leave was in part a policy to get women back to the workforce so you don't need to take the full year. So he should take a bit right at the start and then 5 months or whatever where he is the SAHP.

Twitterwhooooo · 22/01/2022 17:25

I'm going against the grain I think, by saying that in a family with soon-to-be four children, when to take paternity leave needs to be worked out so that all of the family benefit as much as possible from it.

It would probably be lovely for your other children to have him doing the bulk of the school runs, taking to activities, cooking, cleaning and laundry etc while you get breast feeding established, fit baby into family routine etc for the first couple of months.

Ditto school holidays.

But that would rely on the person being on paternity leave using it to increase his paternal input into the home and children, which isn't quite what you're envisioning by the sounds of it...

Twitterwhooooo · 22/01/2022 17:27

Just noticed that he wants to start his paternity leave two months before the baby is due.

It sounds like he might not quite be planning to take over management of the household and looking after of the other children while you rest.

Sounds like that's the problem, regardless of when he takes his paternity leave.

Maryann1975 · 22/01/2022 17:29

Doesn't he ever leave the house other than to go to work? No hobbies, friends or family to see, errands to run?
This is really not the idea of paternity leave. It isn’t an extended, paid for holiday. It’s to benefit the parent/child relationship and to help the mother/family unit when the family have another child. i can’t believe you think this is an appropriate use of paternity leave. If a friend told me her partner was spending his paternity leave doing these things I’d be quite concerned about how unsupportive he was being.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/01/2022 17:31

I guess it depends on the man.

Him wanting two months off before the baby (why would his work permit that??) seems quite questionable unless it was to get something significant done in the house, lift the burden of child and house care from his partner.

Three months at the start then three months at end sounds reasonable, but might be a pita for work. Certainly two months on and off work would be a nightmare logistically.

But it does just sound like you don't overly like spending time with him - needy, loud, needs constant noise when you just want to sit silently etc.

The only good thing about the pandemic was DH working from when I had 3 month old twins for 14 months

Mumof3girlygirls · 22/01/2022 17:37

Not an easy person to be around 🤣🤣🤣 sounds like a sperm donor to me!!

JigglyPiggly · 22/01/2022 17:38

@Maryann1975

Doesn't he ever leave the house other than to go to work? No hobbies, friends or family to see, errands to run? This is really not the idea of paternity leave. It isn’t an extended, paid for holiday. It’s to benefit the parent/child relationship and to help the mother/family unit when the family have another child. i can’t believe you think this is an appropriate use of paternity leave. If a friend told me her partner was spending his paternity leave doing these things I’d be quite concerned about how unsupportive he was being.
So women don't go out and see friends whilst on maternity leave? Hmm
RaginaPhalange · 22/01/2022 17:43

Wow. If you don't like spending time with your dh then why marry him, have kids with him etc?
My dh is a very loud person and he has a fair bit of time off work and if he did have to work he worked from home. Me and ds loved having him around and he loved being able to bond with baby and spend some time together as a family. If he wants to take it in one go there's nothing you can do about that surely, it's his choice what he does with it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/01/2022 17:44

I wasn’t saying you were necessarily wrong that he shouldn’t have all the leave straight away. I was just saying he sounded absolutely awful from your description and not someone you’d want to be married to.

It’s a joint decision, and you need to work out together what’s best for the family. He obviously should be using it to be the most use he can, not just to have a long break. If he can’t do much with the baby in the first few months, it could be better taking ot later. But will he be taking nearly sole charge of the older children, for example?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/01/2022 17:45

Having someone to do ALL school/ nursery runs in the first 6 months could be invaluable

Chely · 22/01/2022 17:46

My dh was off for 8 weeks after our youngest was born, I did need help after a rough c-section with scar rupture but by 6 weeks felt pretty normal again. I was glad when he went back to work, it is nice to have him around but he gets under my feet and needs instructions to be helpful (would rather do it myself).

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/01/2022 17:46

2 months before the baby comes is just ridiculous though

girlmom21 · 22/01/2022 17:48

@Maryann1975

Doesn't he ever leave the house other than to go to work? No hobbies, friends or family to see, errands to run? This is really not the idea of paternity leave. It isn’t an extended, paid for holiday. It’s to benefit the parent/child relationship and to help the mother/family unit when the family have another child. i can’t believe you think this is an appropriate use of paternity leave. If a friend told me her partner was spending his paternity leave doing these things I’d be quite concerned about how unsupportive he was being.
Are women not allowed to do those things during maternity leave either or...?
Original poster
Beeswax2022 · 22/01/2022 17:48

@Mumof3girlygirls

Not an easy person to be around 🤣🤣🤣 sounds like a sperm donor to me!!
Not sure how me saying that brings you to that conclusion. If that was the case, I wouldn’t be married and living with the man… I’d get pregnant and leave Hmm as like I said, he isn’t the sole provider for the family and could quite easily manage on my own salary but thanks for your worthwhile input Grin
OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 22/01/2022 17:49

@teezletangler

I don't know why the OP is getting such a hard time. This isn't the most sensible plan. I also wouldn't want to be home with someone else (anyone else!) day in, day out for 6 months straight. I'm introverted and like my own time and routine.

The suggestion to just give the baby formula so the dad can give some feeds is ridiculous and unnecessary, when the OP clearly intends to BF.

But no one is suggesting they have to be in the house together for 6 months solid. He can do the school run twice a day, or she can once baby can left long enough. She can go to playgroups or he can take baby once they're old enough to go a few hours. When she's stuck under a baby cluster feeding he can bring her food and drinks and do the washing
LondonQueen · 22/01/2022 17:49

I'd love this, but I seem to be in the rare camp of people on MN who actually like their husband.

HardbackWriter · 22/01/2022 17:49

When women do hobbies, see friends and run errands on maternity leave they normally take the baby. I'm not so sure that that's the plan of this man, who is planning to have two months off before the baby even arrives...

HardbackWriter · 22/01/2022 17:51

I really enjoy DH's company and would love a six month holiday where we were both at home together. But that isn't how I wanted him to use his extended paternity leave, at all - there are a lot more constructive (and more financially beneficial) ways for it to be used for a family with two working parents.