AIBU to not want DH to take 6months paternity leave

[Beeswax2022]

AIBU to not want DH at home with me for SIX consecutive months?
He has the option to spread it over a year so could do 2months at home, 2months at work etc which is a much better option IMO. Baby will benefit from some quality time with him when he/she is a little bit older and probably partly bottle fed by then etc.
Surely I can’t be the only person who would hate their DH to be home for a full 6months, especially after giving birth!?
Of course, I want him to have a good amount of time at the beginning to bond with our newborn but not a whole 6months in one go.
I probably sound selfish but he’s not an easy, chilled person to be around. He is in your face, loud, needy and constantly needs tv/iPad on. Baby and I will need peace and quiet a lot of the time

I can handle all this for the evenings and weekends but not for that many months and for 24/7 (he doesn’t go out much)
This will be our 4th baby and he has never been in the position to take more than 2 weeks paternity for the others…. Maybe I just need to accept his choice and how he wants to take his paternity leave…

@beeswax2022

We have two children a cat and a big house with big garden to maintain

They are annoying the kids but fine to travel with

This is our third baby, I find my eldest the one born in 2016 the most work. He is hard
To go out for dinner with but going away with him is fine, we cook in the house we book to stay in a lot of the time. We book nice places so it's a break.

I had a premature baby in 2016 and he was born at 35 weeks. Within 3 weeks we were cycling around Amsterdam with him.. idk why people see kids as such a burden . Why have them if they aren't a joy?

This is your fourth child, how old are the the others ? Can they take some time out of school?

Make this into an opportunity. Delegate the school runs to husband, let him develop his hobbies. Enjoy the fact there's someone to watch the baby whilst you have a hair cut etc

Maybe also work on your friendship with each other since you seem to think he is SO annoying

What’s wrong with feeling that 7 days a week for a consecutive 6 months, will be too much in one go!? We have never lived like that before and been together nearly 20 years.. we aren’t joint at the hip
There's nothing wrong with this at all. What is wrong is that it's your issue yet you expect him to make adjustments to suit your needs when it isn't suiting his. Assuming that if what you suggest is what he wants, he would have come up with it himself.

@Dullrugby

Lot of posters are hard of understanding.

1. pat leave or adoption leave and part of mat leave are TO TAKE SOLE CHARGE OF THE BABY. mat leave obviously also to recover from birth.

2. This man is spaffing his paternity leave up the wall (and I say that because he reminds me of BoJo in some way ) . The family will lose actual money and time if he wastes this and OP will carry an extra burden she shouldn't have to.

3. OP has muddied the water by talking about him being annoying to be around - that's not really the point, but it's worrying that you feel so disempowered in the family that you are saying "ach, he'll do what he wants" rather than feeling you can make a decision together.

I think he sounds pretty dodgy.

What are you on about

It's not for SOLE charge of a baby

Hence why many do SPL together

[quote timeisnotaline]@JigglyPiggly adoption leave starts when child arrives or maybe a few days before. NEVER two months before. Also, parents take adoption leave to look after the baby/child not to indulge in exploring their inner self/doing whatever the fuck they want while their partner looks after the child.

My dh is going on paternity leave when I go back to work. He will obviously be doing all the cooking, school and nursery runs and activities for the 3 of them, will take point on hiring a nanny for when he goes back to work, and I’m going to have a very clear discussion with him about expecting the same level he expects from me while on mat leave, with the huge distinction that he is a healthy fit man, who is neither recovering from birth not waking every hour of the night with a newborn, so will have no challenges doing the washing, tidying, reorganising cupboards, school uniforms etc. and that if he spends all day at hi mums so he can nap and go for a run etc while she minds our dc, or takes them out doing fun things (which he’s pretty good at tbh) then he won’t have done anything at home that day so he will have to schedule enough home days to complete his sahd tasks, and I don’t unpack bags and wash dirty things from days out either. That’s paternity leave- doing just as much as a mum does. If he did the bare minimum my Iove for him would drop off a cliff.[/quote]
I was responding to a point around the leave being needed to recover from birth

Maybe you can learn to read, 2022 can be your year

@Beeswax2022

If my DH was that bothered about the parenting side of it.. then why does he want to start his 6months, 2 months before the baby is due!!? Love how people jump to conclusions. I’m not going into anymore details than I have done but am enjoying reading everyone’s opinions

Because he has 3 other kids he could spend time with before the baby takes more attention, because he's aware you're going to be heavily pregnant and coping with house stuff and 3 kids, because he wants to spend time with you? I'd jump to slot of other things before assuming he was lazy and wanted 6 months off.

We can't sympathise with you If you don't go into detail. So of course conclusions are jumped too.

Sorry but you're being very unreasonable, I'm 7 months pregnant and gutted my husband can only get 2 weeks off, im dreading 9 months of being alone with a baby in the daytime without him, as I want him there too to bond and get the experience of raising a baby.

The OP has repeatedly stated her husband is looking forward to the 6 months as a holiday for himself! Not a time so he can help her with baby and their other children. So obviously he is being unreasonable and should be taking the time off when she goes back to work when he could actually be doing something useful.

Op considering you have 3 other kids and a DH who wants to be off the baby’s first 6 months I’d seriously consider bottle feeding. Or at least mix feeding. You will have so much more time for the other three kids at a time when they need it. There would have been little point in my DH having the first 6 months off as I breastfed and had to be the one getting up in the night settling the baby etc. Sounds like he’s going to take the leave anyway so use it an an opportunity to have actual proper help with the baby.

In fact I’d tell you DH you are bottle feeding so are delighted he’s having the leave as it means he can do night shifts. See how he feels if he thinks he will actually have to do a lot of the parenting. You can always change your mind when the baby is here.

I had a premature baby in 2016 and he was born at 35 weeks. Within 3 weeks we were cycling around Amsterdam with him.. idk why people see kids as such a burden . Why have them if they aren't a joy? it isn't that kids are a burden, it's that people's lives are different
Our kids were born at the same gestation a year apart. Clearly your baby did very well and you recovered well if you were out of hospital before their due date and catling around. At 3 weeks mine was recovering from major surgery and so was I. Lots of people have kids with a break so one is in school to lift the childcare burden. People end up with c sections or major tears. Partners have demanding jobs they can't leave for months. People have other caring obligations. I always figured we'd shove DS in a baby carrier and just take him with us. It just doesn't work with all kids. It doesn't make them a burden if your lifestyle has to change to meet their needs

All those saying op should bottle ffeed - why should she have to compromise how she wants to feed her baby to try and force her partner to be less useless?

I totally agree with you OP. I wouldn’t have wanted this either but that would in my case be less to do with having a young baby and more the fact I find someone around 24/7 , however much I like them, suffocating and dull. . Maybe other people are married to easier going and more helpful men than I am— but I didn’t realise this till I actually had a baby (many many moons ago) and that’s why I stuck at 1!! I don’t know your H OP obviously but have a really bad suspicion this is more about him fancying a nice long break from work and you will still end up doing it all

@Montecristocount

In fact I’d tell you DH you are bottle feeding so are delighted he’s having the leave as it means he can do night shifts. See how he feels if he thinks he will actually have to do a lot of the parenting. You can always change your mind when the baby is here.

Try this ^^ perhaps? @Montecristocount's suggestion sounds like a good way to test the water.

Either your partner is wanting to spend time with baby (and you’re being unreasonable for dictating to him) or he’s wanting a holiday and to not bother with baby (in which case you’re being unreasonable for continuing to have children with such a useless other parent).

Either way YABU.

Can't you do first six months and he does second. That way you extend time before baby needs childcare and you both have a block of time in sole charge of baby. It's pointless to have consecutive mat and pat leave so YANBU.

Sorry - I don't believe most people take SPL at the same time as each other. If you've got the money to both be off at the same time you probably still wouldn't be, you'd pay for childcare.

If I was his employer I’d much prefer him having the full 6 months off in one go. It’s incredibly disruptive to have someone in and out for a couple of months here and there. How secure is his job?