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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want DH to take 6months paternity leave

241 replies

Beeswax2022 · 22/01/2022 15:43

AIBU to not want DH at home with me for SIX consecutive months?
He has the option to spread it over a year so could do 2months at home, 2months at work etc which is a much better option IMO. Baby will benefit from some quality time with him when he/she is a little bit older and probably partly bottle fed by then etc.
Surely I can’t be the only person who would hate their DH to be home for a full 6months, especially after giving birth!?
Of course, I want him to have a good amount of time at the beginning to bond with our newborn but not a whole 6months in one go.
I probably sound selfish but he’s not an easy, chilled person to be around. He is in your face, loud, needy and constantly needs tv/iPad on. Baby and I will need peace and quiet a lot of the time Smile

I can handle all this for the evenings and weekends but not for that many months and for 24/7 (he doesn’t go out much)
This will be our 4th baby and he has never been in the position to take more than 2 weeks paternity for the others…. Maybe I just need to accept his choice and how he wants to take his paternity leave…

OP posts:
KO81 · 22/01/2022 18:30

@HacerSonarSusPasos

I don’t get it, I don’t understand how that means I hate my DH and shouldn’t be married/have kids with him

Uhmm maybe this part right here?
he’s not an easy, chilled person to be around. He is in your face, loud, needy and constantly needs tv/iPad on

How does that equal ‘hate’?
HacerSonarSusPasos · 22/01/2022 18:32

@KO81 it surely equals "dislike"

whatisheupto · 22/01/2022 18:33

I agree with you OP. What did he say when you suggested spreading it out?

KO81 · 22/01/2022 18:34

I love my H but he’s grumpy, can be obsessive about his projects, can occasionally be a bit selfish and when he’s with the lads drinks too much.

It’s an accurate character assessment with the negative aspects detailed in an isolated list. It doesn’t mean I should LTB immediately as he’s an aggressive alcoholic who doesn’t put me first.

Original poster
Beeswax2022 · 22/01/2022 18:35

@HacerSonarSusPasos

I don’t get it, I don’t understand how that means I hate my DH and shouldn’t be married/have kids with him

Uhmm maybe this part right here?
he’s not an easy, chilled person to be around. He is in your face, loud, needy and constantly needs tv/iPad on

So what!? That’s what he’s like and I’m fine with it. Just not for 7days a week for 6months straight 🤷‍♀️ Not sure what the big deal is.
OP posts:
Original poster
Beeswax2022 · 22/01/2022 18:41

@whatisheupto

I agree with you OP. What did he say when you suggested spreading it out?
I suggested it might be good to have 8 weeks off when baby is born and then go back to work until baby could benefit more from him. Eg takes a bottle so can be left with him/ be taken out by him etc but no, DH just shut it down and said he’s taking it as a 6month block 🤷‍♀️ 2 of those months being before the baby is born.
OP posts:
ttcstinks · 22/01/2022 18:42

YABU, spin this thread in its head for one minute and imagine a bloke was slagging his wife off for wanting six months with the baby?

Original poster
Beeswax2022 · 22/01/2022 18:43

@KO81

I love my H but he’s grumpy, can be obsessive about his projects, can occasionally be a bit selfish and when he’s with the lads drinks too much.

It’s an accurate character assessment with the negative aspects detailed in an isolated list. It doesn’t mean I should LTB immediately as he’s an aggressive alcoholic who doesn’t put me first.

Exactly Smile
OP posts:
FruitMelange · 22/01/2022 18:43

Yabu. Dh took the rest of the week off when mine were born.

I'm not sure if paternity leave existed.
I'd have loved 6 whole months company and support.

KO81 · 22/01/2022 18:45

I truly think so many posters lie to us themselves on here about how perfect their partners are, and also about what behaviour they’d tolerate at home. Some dish out so many ‘LTBs’ over occasional non-extreme behaviour that normal people in relationships would have a row about and move on from. Such as being told to ‘fuck off’ by their other halves during a heated row about what colour to paint the front door. She wants blush pink and he likes red.

“You may not have any standards OP but if my H told me to fuck off I’d have the locks changed and him out on the driveway before he’d even closed his mouth. Where’s your self-respect FFS? AND I’d immediately have the whole house painted in Farrow and Ball’s Nancy’s Blushes.”

No you wouldn’t.

Flocon · 22/01/2022 18:45

Surely taking it before the baby is due is just meant to be in case you have any complications and need a hand?! He's taking the piss.

I'd ask him to take one month at the start then more when you're ready to go back to work.

Original poster
Beeswax2022 · 22/01/2022 18:46

@ttcstinks

YABU, spin this thread in its head for one minute and imagine a bloke was slagging his wife off for wanting six months with the baby?
I’m not slagging him off for wanting 6months with the baby 🤣 Just there’s a more beneficial time for him to spend his 6 months paternity leave, than in the first 6 months 🙄
OP posts:
Ileflottante · 22/01/2022 18:46

@ttcstinks

YABU, spin this thread in its head for one minute and imagine a bloke was slagging his wife off for wanting six months with the baby?
HOW is that even remotely the same?! 😂
teaandchocolate1 · 22/01/2022 18:48

I would love for my husband to take 6 months paternity leave. He refused 😣 Kind of jealous that your husband is willing to do it, a lot of men don't

SleepingStandingUp · 22/01/2022 18:55

I'm one of those that would love it but the fly in the ointment is him wanting leave whilst you're still working. Is he going to be doing all the childcare and school runs, cooking dinner every night, cleaning every day? Or sitting around in his bathrobe playing X Box and asking what you're making for tea? Has he even tried justifying pat leave whilst you're at work @Beeswax2022?

MrsBaublesDylan · 22/01/2022 18:58

How have you managed to have four children with a man you describe as 'loud, in your face and needy'?

Original poster
Beeswax2022 · 22/01/2022 19:00

@teaandchocolate1

I would love for my husband to take 6 months paternity leave. He refused 😣 Kind of jealous that your husband is willing to do it, a lot of men don't
He isn’t taking paternity so he can take sole care of the baby. He’s taking 6 months paternity at the beginning, when I’m around.

I think if I told him I was going to give birth and then go back to work after a week and he could have the baby for 6 months… well, he’d have something to say about that and be back in the office the next day. He hasn’t once mentioned about it being an opportunity to bond with the baby, support me, help with the older kids.. it’s all been about what he can do for himself on his paternity leave. Definitely nothing to be jealous about!

OP posts:
Original poster
Beeswax2022 · 22/01/2022 19:05

@MrsBaublesDylan

How have you managed to have four children with a man you describe as 'loud, in your face and needy'?
Because I don’t expect people to be perfect. I can live with those annoyances, like he lives with my annoyances.
OP posts:
pompomsgalore · 22/01/2022 19:07

Yanbu. I'd hate it

KohlaParasaurus · 22/01/2022 19:08

I agree with you, OP. You're having your 4th baby, you're experienced in managing a baby and older children and developing a calm routine that works for you, and it would make more sense for your DH to take a little time just after the birth when you might be sore and exhausted and need physical care, then take the bulk of his paternity leave later in the first year so that you can return to work knowing that the children are in safe hands. Presumably he'll still have evenings, weekends and annual leave entitlement so it's not as if he won't be seeing and helping with the new baby outside of working hours. I can also see how having a partner at home to share the workload could be fantastic, but with the best intentions in the world sometimes ensuring their partner feels involved and valued becomes another job for the mother.

girlmom21 · 22/01/2022 19:11

I think if I told him I was going to give birth and then go back to work after a week and he could have the baby for 6 months… well, he’d have something to say about that and be back in the office the next day. He hasn’t once mentioned about it being an opportunity to bond with the baby, support me, help with the older kids.. it’s all been about what he can do for himself on his paternity leave.

Fuck that then. Tell him you're going back then don't.

KateyKontent · 22/01/2022 19:19

How can he take 2 months paternity leave before the baby is here? This must mean he will take over school runs and getting up with your other children. What are his plans with the new baby and your other children?

What is his job? Couples in my work can share baby leave up to a year. Not many partners do and I wouldn't have wanted 5o share my maternity leave.

I needed medical help after birth and DH was an amazing support. I'd have been delighted to have my OH home for six months if it didn't affect my leave. He is proactive and unselfish though.

sanbeiji · 22/01/2022 19:24

OP i get what you mean, he wants 6 months off to seemingly relax, not help you with the kids.

However it IS off-putting that your H is ‘loud, in your face and needy’. Even if he is home all day surely he’s not going to be all of that all the time

LuchiMangsho · 22/01/2022 19:30

So he’s loud, in your face, needy and a father who has no intention of actually helping his wife or looking after his newborn?
Still trying to find his redeeming qualities?

SleepingStandingUp · 22/01/2022 19:53

@MrsBaublesDylan

How have you managed to have four children with a man you describe as 'loud, in your face and needy'?
well it clearly works for some people
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