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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want DH to take 6months paternity leave

241 replies

Beeswax2022 · 22/01/2022 15:43

AIBU to not want DH at home with me for SIX consecutive months?
He has the option to spread it over a year so could do 2months at home, 2months at work etc which is a much better option IMO. Baby will benefit from some quality time with him when he/she is a little bit older and probably partly bottle fed by then etc.
Surely I can’t be the only person who would hate their DH to be home for a full 6months, especially after giving birth!?
Of course, I want him to have a good amount of time at the beginning to bond with our newborn but not a whole 6months in one go.
I probably sound selfish but he’s not an easy, chilled person to be around. He is in your face, loud, needy and constantly needs tv/iPad on. Baby and I will need peace and quiet a lot of the time Smile

I can handle all this for the evenings and weekends but not for that many months and for 24/7 (he doesn’t go out much)
This will be our 4th baby and he has never been in the position to take more than 2 weeks paternity for the others…. Maybe I just need to accept his choice and how he wants to take his paternity leave…

OP posts:
Original poster
Beeswax2022 · 22/01/2022 16:19

@neverbeenskiing

Baby and I will need peace and quiet a lot of the time

Have you told your other 3 DC this?

I would have loved to have had DH home with me while I was on Mat leave. But then I actually like my DH.

They go to school so that won’t be an issue. People can still love their DH and not want to have them at home 24/7 for 6months.
OP posts:
MollyQueenOfSocks · 22/01/2022 16:19

@Beeswax2022

If my DH was that bothered about the parenting side of it.. then why does he want to start his 6months, 2 months before the baby is due!!? Love how people jump to conclusions. I’m not going into anymore details than I have done but am enjoying reading everyone’s opinions Smile
Because his life is about to change massively and it might be nice to spend time with his wife, enjoying being at home without a screeching baby?

OK for you to do that and not him though. Got it.

Caterina99 · 22/01/2022 16:19

How old are your other kids? And do you have other family locally?

My DH only got 2 weeks paternity leave, but we were lucky enough to time this with holiday and both our families visiting so that I didn’t really have to cope alone for more than a few days with a newborn and a toddler for about the first 2 months. After that though we didn’t have any help as we live abroad.

I know a lot of people go straight to zero help and manage just fine, but for me it was amazing to have that time to really focus on the new baby and feeding and also rest and recover (c sec) rather than be running around after a 2 year old with a newborn strapped to me. And it was great for my toddler to have adventures with daddy and grandparents and not be stuck at home with me all day.

I agree though in an ideal world if DH had 6 months to take them I’d rather he spread it out a little. Especially if I planned to go back to work and he could take over at the end of my maternity leave. His work might be pushing for a single block though.

LuchiMangsho · 22/01/2022 16:20

His job allows paternity leave 2 months before a baby is born?

Chasingaftermidnight · 22/01/2022 16:22

I see your point OP and I’m not sure why some posters seem intent on making you out to be the devil incarnate. My DH bonded much better with our babies when they were a few months old rather than in those early weeks when they just breastfeed all the time so he took time off later in their first year.

PinkSyCo · 22/01/2022 16:22

Why do you keep having kids with a man you can’t stand? Confused

neverbeenskiing · 22/01/2022 16:23

People can still love their DH and not want to have them at home 24/7 for 6months.

Doesn't he ever leave the house other than to go to work? No hobbies, friends or family to see, errands to run?

cultkid · 22/01/2022 16:23

It's a chance for him to have a break from work Dont resent it, if you are going to do everything for the baby he can enjoy himself with hobbies, friends, lay ins etc

I haven't worked for years and I don't want to work I love being at home. I wish my husband could have that privilege too of not having to work. It's mics to have time off. Just see it as that.

It sounds like you want to have the baby bliss to yourself

Your post seems like you don't like him!

HardbackWriter · 22/01/2022 16:26

It's a chance for him to have a break from work Dont resent it, if you are going to do everything for the baby he can enjoy himself with hobbies, friends, lay ins etc

I assumed this was sarcastic but from the rest of your post I'm not sure anymore - surely it is?!

cultkid · 22/01/2022 16:26

When I've had my boys we always go off on holiday as much as possible, my husband is self employed but it's such a special time in our lives with a new born. We like not having all the visitors etc and babies are easy to travel with. Our third is due in a few months and I think we will go down to Cornwall for a month or so to enjoy being a family.

I don't want to spend every waking moment with my husband but I wouldn't begrudge him having six months off, he deserves it with how hard he works to provide for us and the fact I've not worked for six years and have no intention to ever work again to be honest because it's hard and I don't want to. He pays for everything and I'm super grateful. I love him so much!

Original poster
Beeswax2022 · 22/01/2022 16:27

@PinkSyCo

Why do you keep having kids with a man you can’t stand? Confused
If I couldn’t stand him, I’d have said that in my post.
OP posts:
cultkid · 22/01/2022 16:27

@HardbackWriter

It's a chance for him to have a break from work Dont resent it, if you are going to do everything for the baby he can enjoy himself with hobbies, friends, lay ins etc

I assumed this was sarcastic but from the rest of your post I'm not sure anymore - surely it is?!

I'm not being sarcastic at all, I actually mean it. If she is so intent she will be doing everything as she will be breast feeding just let him enjoy his one chance not to have to go to work every day, like she does!!
girlmom21 · 22/01/2022 16:28

@Beeswax2022

If my DH was that bothered about the parenting side of it.. then why does he want to start his 6months, 2 months before the baby is due!!? Love how people jump to conclusions. I’m not going into anymore details than I have done but am enjoying reading everyone’s opinions Smile
To help you prepare for the baby? To spend time with you alone before your lives get taken over all over again? It's your 4th baby. You know the drill.
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/01/2022 16:29

I've said YANBU because it sounds rather like his "paternity leave" is not going to be very baby-focused, or even child-focused (on the other 3).

Paternity leave isn't meant to be extended holiday for him - it's for parenting purposes, and supporting the mother of the child if she needs it.

Taking 2 months prior to baby's due date - what on earth for? Is he building a new nursery? Making important changes to the house for the baby's arrival? Or having a bit of a break before the newborn disrupts his sleep?

Is he allowed to break it up into chunks though? Or is it an "all at once or he loses it" scenario?

cushioncovers · 22/01/2022 16:29

If he's not going to be involved in the new baby and the day to day routine of having children then he might as well go back to work. If however he's really looking forward to being a hands on dad and helping with the running of the house then he's entitled to take the time off.

ZealAndArdour · 22/01/2022 16:30

This is your one chance before retirement to have six months off work together to do whatever you want with your family unit. Seems odd to view it so negatively.

Original poster
Beeswax2022 · 22/01/2022 16:30

Just to make it clear, my DH doesn’t solely provide for the family. Some people are assuming I don’t work and he provides. This is not the case. Yes he works but he isn’t the only provider.

OP posts:
MananaTomorrow · 22/01/2022 16:31

Well I would have thought a much better organisation is him being a paternity leave for the last 6 months. So you get 6 months with baby on your own and he gets 6 months with baby on his own.

I know I’m being negative but your description makes me think he will be there but do fuck all with baby which is not the point if a paternity leave.

Marmite27 · 22/01/2022 16:31

With my first DH had two weeks paternity and two weeks holiday and I was very ready for him to go back to work.

Not because I don’t love him or like being around him, but I needed to learn how to be a parent on my own without him as a comfort blanket everywhere we went. Plus I wanted to sign up for classes and he wanted to go places on the spur of the moment.

With our second he only got two weeks and took that when she was two weeks old, and came home from hospital.

I’d suggest a month after baby is born, then he takes the remainder when you return to work so he can have a taste of being sole carer.

There’s lots of nonsense IMO on this thread that people can’t bond with their children unless they spend 24/7 with them for weeks on end.

Realityisreal · 22/01/2022 16:32

I can also see where you're coming from OP, whilst I enjoy spending plenty of time with my husband he does have a tendency towards being controlling, if he had been home for the first 6 months I wouldn't have been allowed to trust my intuition, and life would have been a lot more regimented.
It doesn't mean I don't love my husband, it means I am aware that we are individuals and I recognise our imperfections.

ancientgran · 22/01/2022 16:33

@Beeswax2022

I WANT DH to take 6months paternity leave and spend time with baby and me. I just DO NOT want it to be 6months in one go. Why not spread it out over the year? Spend time with baby when first born and spend some time with baby when he/she is nearer 1. I feel that will be more beneficial all round.
But what does he want to do?
Reallycantbesarsed · 22/01/2022 16:33

I get it op. I was very happy for husband to go back to work after two weeks…I needed my space and routine.

MananaTomorrow · 22/01/2022 16:34

Hmm…. I’m wondering if he thinks that his 6 months will be like his 2 weeks of paternity leave before. So basically mum resting with baby, as we all do with a newborn whilst he can get in with whatever he wants to do.

Starting his paternity leave 2 months early sounds bonkers and shows he doesn’t want that to bond with baby but as a holiday imo.

ancientgran · 22/01/2022 16:34

@Realityisreal

I can also see where you're coming from OP, whilst I enjoy spending plenty of time with my husband he does have a tendency towards being controlling, if he had been home for the first 6 months I wouldn't have been allowed to trust my intuition, and life would have been a lot more regimented. It doesn't mean I don't love my husband, it means I am aware that we are individuals and I recognise our imperfections.
Funny you mentioned people being controlling.
UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 22/01/2022 16:35

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

I would suggest its better for him to have some after you finish yours if that's an option.
Agreed! I think dads bond best with babies when they’re solely in charge. Pat leave when mum is around too often ends up being a holiday for dad, from what I’ve seen. And that sounds pretty likely in your case from what you’ve described…
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