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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want DH to take 6months paternity leave

241 replies

Beeswax2022 · 22/01/2022 15:43

AIBU to not want DH at home with me for SIX consecutive months?
He has the option to spread it over a year so could do 2months at home, 2months at work etc which is a much better option IMO. Baby will benefit from some quality time with him when he/she is a little bit older and probably partly bottle fed by then etc.
Surely I can’t be the only person who would hate their DH to be home for a full 6months, especially after giving birth!?
Of course, I want him to have a good amount of time at the beginning to bond with our newborn but not a whole 6months in one go.
I probably sound selfish but he’s not an easy, chilled person to be around. He is in your face, loud, needy and constantly needs tv/iPad on. Baby and I will need peace and quiet a lot of the time

I can handle all this for the evenings and weekends but not for that many months and for 24/7 (he doesn’t go out much)
This will be our 4th baby and he has never been in the position to take more than 2 weeks paternity for the others…. Maybe I just need to accept his choice and how he wants to take his paternity leave…

OP posts:

ancientgran · 22/01/2022 16:36

@MananaTomorrow

Hmm…. I’m wondering if he thinks that his 6 months will be like his 2 weeks of paternity leave before. So basically mum resting with baby, as we all do with a newborn whilst he can get in with whatever he wants to do.

Starting his paternity leave 2 months early sounds bonkers and shows he doesn’t want that to bond with baby but as a holiday imo.

He might want sometime with the other children before baby arrives or he might want to be home to look after the children/house and let his pregnant wife have a break.

WonderfulYou · 22/01/2022 16:36

YABU its his baby too.
It’s unfair that you get to stay at home with it and he doesn’t.

Pirate009 · 22/01/2022 16:36

I can see you point. I would prefer it broken up over the 12 months. Some time off at the start to bond and support and then depending on time of year time off to help with school runs and taking to baby out in good weather. I love my other half but it would of totally of done my head in him being off as well for that block of time. Better to do some together then when he’s off maybe you’ll get some time to yourself more to do hobbies etc?

Cameleongirl · 22/01/2022 16:37

@Realityisreal

I can also see where you're coming from OP, whilst I enjoy spending plenty of time with my husband he does have a tendency towards being controlling, if he had been home for the first 6 months I wouldn't have been allowed to trust my intuition, and life would have been a lot more regimented. It doesn't mean I don't love my husband, it means I am aware that we are individuals and I recognise our imperfections.

One of DH’s colleagues took his paternity leave in chunks…and spent most of the time playing golf and generally enjoying himself! I’m sure he was helpful, but it was essentially extra holiday time for him. Do what works best for your family, OP.

Caterina99 · 22/01/2022 16:37

OP if you plan to go back to work and then have to deal with the juggle that is 4 kids and 2 working parents then hell no I wouldn’t want DH to have a nice 6 month holiday barely helping with the new baby and the older kids are at school all day anyway.

I’d rather he timed it in the way that benefitted the whole family the most in terms of finance and childcare. Taking leave for school holidays for example and then a few months once you go back to work

MouseholeCat · 22/01/2022 16:37

YABU, your DH is also the baby's parent. You said yourself that he's never been in the position to take this much leave before, he probably wants to spend those early days with his baby because he's always missed out on it before. It might also be his preference not to repeatedly disrupt his job. There are tons of valid reasons why he may prefer taking leave in this way.

Have you tried to understand where he is coming from here?

strawberrymilk7 · 22/01/2022 16:37

Why does he want to take leave two months before the baby is born? What does he plan on using that time for? I think it's a bit of a waste if you are both on leave at the same time. Is it possible for him to take it once you go back to work? I know that 2 months off 2 on would be the ideal but really no employer would agree to this.

Theunamedcat · 22/01/2022 16:37

Is he helpful at all or?

CustardCreamm · 22/01/2022 16:38

I would've loved to have had DH home for 6 months with me!

NumberTheory · 22/01/2022 16:39

I agree that 6 months right at the start when you are breast feeding is not a good plan and not going to help out that much. 6 months once you’re at a stage when you can go back to work would be good. If you are going to be a SAHM for a while then your 2 months on two months off would be a great way to provide support and bond.

6 months at the start when you’re breast feeding sounds more like he wants to do the bonding when you’re doing the work then head back to work when he could be more useful. He probably doesn’t really see that if he hasn’t spent much time with the other kids though.

If he does go with 6 months right at the start, you should make him do all the non feeding bits that grate and you will be doing most of when he returns to work - settle the baby after feedings (especially at night so you can get more sleep), clean up etc.

BrambleRoses · 22/01/2022 16:40

Oh God, YANBU! I had a WFH husband for my maternity leave and that was bad enough!

Shelby2010 · 22/01/2022 16:40

It would probably be most useful if he took a chunk of leave over the summer holidays so he could help with entertaining the older children then.

I suspect that rather than supporting the OP, this is the type of DH who will see paternity leave as a good time to start a new project like redecorating the house. Making noise & mess while OP wants peace & quiet….

vivainsomnia · 22/01/2022 16:42

The world doesn't revolve about what suits you. It's of no benefit for any company or business to have someone be on and off 2 months for 6 months. It would also be a nightmare for your oh having to build his work again to go away again when he's probably back in his feet.

So sad that you see it as dread to have your oh for 6 months. Have you told him?

DamnFoolWhoShotHim · 22/01/2022 16:43

YABU if it's that deep for you bottle feed baby so DH can stay home and you go back to work. Maybe stop having children with a man you don't want to spend quality time with.

Lovelyricepudding · 22/01/2022 16:45

I also realise many women wouldn't be ok with it, despite the children, (which is fine), so wanted to get a general consensus.

No you shouldn't go with the 'consensus', if just one woman objected rhen that is enough to say 'I respect that woman's right to privacy, dignity and safety' which is what single sex toilets are provided for.

My DH absolutely used the men's when my daughters were small, it wouldn't have occurred to him to ignore the boundaries of women, ignore their feelings, ignore the fact that by entering this space many women would not be able to use them, and demand entry into women's toilets.

Cameleongirl · 22/01/2022 16:46

@vivainsomnia

So sad that you see it as dread to have your oh for 6 months. Have you told him?

Her DH can take paternity leave within the parameters allowed-so if he’s allowed to take it in chunks, that’s what he can do.

curlydiamond · 22/01/2022 16:48

I'm with you OP, 6 months parental leave for DH would be better spent when baby is 6 months (am assuming you go back to work then?). DH can have the main responsibility for weaning and can enjoy the baby groups that are more interesting once baby can sit, crawl, walk etc (actually - I'd probably be a little resentful that he gets to enjoy the fun bit after 6 months of hard work feeding and hoping baby starts to sleep). It also makes sense from a financial perspective.
As for him wanting to start 2 months before o
your baby's arrival? He's having a laugh. It's baby 4, you don't need weeks to 'prepare yourselves' - if you're starting mat leave early because pregnancy is hard you're hardly going to be in a position to 'enjoy eachother' before the baby is born either.
It's indulgent; he wants time off work (which I dont blame him for) that is of no particular use to anyone but himself before the baby even arrives- I would be annoyed as the baby wouldn't get any benefit from those two months at all.

DH is hoping for an extended holiday - we'd all like that, but in terms of family life it is pretty selfish.

Krakenchorus · 22/01/2022 16:50

@HardbackWriter

I actually agree with OP that I don't think it's the best way to take the leave. With my first baby DH had 8 weeks off when he arrived and then four months off at home when I went back to work (and baby was 6 months). Those first 8 weeks were nice but, contrary to my expectations, we couldn't split things 50-50 with an EBF baby and it didn't feel like it make that much difference overall. Those final four months when he was home alone with the baby, on the other hand, were absolutely transformative and I think it's why we still, three years on, have the most genuine equal parenting of any couple I know. I'm not sure about him going back and forth in the way OP suggests but I don't think it's at all unreasonable to want him to take some of it alone at the end of the baby's first year rather than taking it in one block at the beginning. It would also make much more financial sense for most couples to do it that way.

^^ This. We did similar with all of ours, and dh has a knowledge and confidence with the dc that comes from being solely responsible for them as babies. It also made going back to work much easier for me.

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 22/01/2022 16:52

OP, I would have killed my husband after six consecutive days, never mind six consecutive months. It's all very well, even if his company is fine - but having him there will spoil all your existing routines and ways of doing things. He will be an extra and unwelcome body in the house, and the mere presence of another adult all the time is oppressive. Though I know others think differently.

girlmom21 · 22/01/2022 16:52

@BrambleRoses

Oh God, YANBU! I had a WFH husband for my maternity leave and that was bad enough!

Oh I'm loving having DP work from home!

ladycarlotta · 22/01/2022 16:55

My partner took almost all the parental leave because I was self employed and it made more sense. He was home for a YEAR. I loved it - it was wonderful for us as a family and for his relationship with our child. It established her as our joint responsibility rather than cementing me as the default primary carer. There are plenty of things he can do besides breastfeed. I think it makes for a really good long-term dynamic for him to be off while the baby's tiny.

teezletangler · 22/01/2022 16:55

I don't know why the OP is getting such a hard time. This isn't the most sensible plan. I also wouldn't want to be home with someone else (anyone else!) day in, day out for 6 months straight. I'm introverted and like my own time and routine.

The suggestion to just give the baby formula so the dad can give some feeds is ridiculous and unnecessary, when the OP clearly intends to BF.

LeifSan · 22/01/2022 16:57

Wanting to take two months before the baby is even born is a pisstake, unless you are having a very difficult pregnancy and he plans to use that time to take care of the three kids and house while you rest.

Wanting to take 6 months in one go seems to make more sense to me as it provides focused time for your family and also it’s a lot easier to have six months off work and then return than it is to do two months on and two months off. However, it doesn’t sound like he’s really wanting this to be an engaged family man and more like he wants six months off work. I’d be less than impressed if my partner wanted to take two months off before the baby was even there.

realchaplin · 22/01/2022 16:58

DH will be taking 6 months paternity (on full pay). I'm definitely looking forward to it, we had a shorter paternity leave of 3 months with older DD and it was lovely spending our days just bonding, taking her out to parent and baby films, galleries and wandering around town. It was the longest time we'd ever spent continously in each other's company (because normally we'd have been at work, except for holidays of up to 2 weeks) and it was nice doing things together on quieter weekdays and not just having to do everything on weekends when everything is more crowded.

I needed a c-section as well (and will with this birth) so he'll be invaluable in the first few weeks. Life will be a bit busier this time with an older child, but she's at nursery and will start school when baby is 5 months, so we'll still get lots of couple+baby time together. We might take a short break in the middle so he can spend a bit longer helping out once DD starts school, as the school is a short commute away. We're also planning to move house within the next year, so it will be really useful having him around for dealing with that.

AnyBenny · 22/01/2022 17:08

Does his work not have any rules about paternity leave? Why should a father be allowed to take paternity leave 2 months before the birth? He’s not carrying the baby so the paternity element is necessarily limited. Also they may have rules about taking it in several chunks - it’s a while since my maternity leave days but from memory once you were back, you were back.
I agree with all those saying that he should be looking for his 6 months to happen from 6m to a year, or even later if his work allows.

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