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Youngest Daughter in bits on phone - advice please

463 replies

Icecreamlover63 · 22/01/2022 14:54

My Youngest Daughter has just been on the phone and is extremely upset. I have seen this coming for some time but i cannot say anything about peoples relationships however i would appreciate some advice.
In 2019 my daughter was engaged and found out that her then fiancée had spent £3 on gambling in six months. He promised he would not do this again was so very repentant and she forgave hi.
In very early 2020 they got married. They moved into military housing about 8 miles away and appeared very happy.
Then they got transferred to Wiltshire and my daughter got a job at a local hospital and promptly made lots of friends and loved her new job. She joined a gym and lost some weight and was looking amazing.
Her husband's, Mother came over in October 2021 and was furious as she had just had a phone call completely out of the blue. It was the bank informing her that her sons account was overdrawn by £600. (when her son went to Afghanistan she had to have access to his accounts in case he died) and she had forgotten all about it.
The account was overdrawn because of 2 large bets of £500 each.
My daughter again lost her temper and he promised never to do it again.
Just before Christmas he took £500 out of their joint account to pay his friend as apparently he had bailiffs at the door. Then he took another £250 out a one of his friends could not see his children. My daughter said can you give those two friends the account number for our joint account so they can pay it back into the account it came out of. Guess what he said he wouldn't and said they money was going back into his sole account.
He has not spoken to my daughter most evenings and only watches football on sky. He refuses to go out at all in January and has ben very rude to her on lots of occasions.
Basically she has had enough of the gambling and the lies and just basically being ignored.

Fast forward to today!! She has just gone back to collect some of her bits and he started screaming at her and saying she was sneaky moving half of the money into her savings account before she had even spoken to him. She moved it this morning as she did not want him to be reckless and bet it away. He then started to blame her for having mental health problems and that when she was at home she was unhappy (not true) and that he had to speak to welfare in the Army to get married quarters early. They got their married quarters 3 weeks before they got married (which is the normal time line).
He has told her she always runs back to London when she is upset. Again not true she has been to us 4 times in 4 months and two of those times he was with her.

She is so upset and so distraught I honestly don't know what to do and she is driving back home now. I wish i could say she was right but I feel it would be wrong for me to say so. Please can you advise me what to do and also if you think she has made the right decision.
I do understand there is 2 sides to the story but my daughter has moved half way across the country and has not lied, she is devestated.

OP posts:
Icecreamlover63 · 04/04/2022 20:48

Both the BT and gas/electric are in his name only. Dd was kicked out by him on Him on 2nd February and she had paid towards the bills every month up to 31st January.

As she hasn’t lived in the house in February, March or April it seems unbelievable that he would even ask her to pay for this. Both companies have signed the army covernet so he should really look into if an exit fee could be waved in both cases. I’m sure if she doesn’t pay half he won’t contribute anything toward to divorce and that’s what is at the back of his head.

Dd has her first counselling session tomorrow and she is paying privately. She asked the army to arrange one (as they offers to) but it was too far from where we live. She just cannot wait to put the divorce in now. He has asked for two/three weeks notice, she doesn’t know why.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 04/04/2022 23:10

Oh, I'm not surprised. Never be surprised at the impudence of a man with no principles.

Honestly, I wouldn't do anything for him if the motivation behind it is to 'keep him sweet' for the divorce. After all the shit he's pulled and the nastiness and lies that have come out of this mouth do you really think he's going to actually contribute money towards a divorce? Not on your tintype, Nelly!

IIRC today is the first day of 'no fault' divorce in the UK. From what I've seen it's similar to the divorce laws that were in effect in the US when I divorced my exH. You file citing 'irreconcilable differences', serve a 6 mo waiting period during which you iron out finances (if any), and then file for the final decree that terminates the marriage. The main thing being that the respondent cannot contest the actual termination of the marriage. Since DD and her STBX don't have complicated 'financial ties', she'll be a free woman in 6 months.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/04/2022 23:14

Meant to include: Better she keeps any money to use towards paying for the divorce. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. If he 'doesn't have the money' to pay the utility bill, why does DD think he'll magically have it to put towards a divorce?

He's just telling her more lies.

Mix56 · 06/04/2022 08:17

"I am not paying for your utilities, what you have already borrowed & stolen from me should largely cover any imagined costs"

Icecreamlover63 · 05/05/2022 13:51

Do I contact the Military again!
A) London welfare told Our dd not to pay anything towards the bills.
So [name redacted] disregarded Sil email asking for money.
B) Sil said he did not want the divorce to go through before May.
Dd has complied with his wishes.
C) Sil also told Dd to not put the divorce through as soon as she started her job.
D) Now SIL is demanding that she put it through before the end of next week!
E) he is turning her head one way then the other.
Dd has done nothing wrong.
G) Sil asked if Dd wanted anything from the house and she asked for the fridge and washing machine.
He then phoned up My other dd and asked for £100 for something dd is paying for! Already!

The Welfare asked us to ring if he was becoming a pain and he is!
He is now contacting My dh and other dd and his emails are demanding and rude!
He is trying to act like the bloody victim when it’s actually Dd that has been hurt in all of this.
He has perpetuated all of this unhappiness by his lies and gambling and i think the Army need to know he is effectively bullying our dd by email.

I understand he felt sad when she left I understand he has had to move back into barracks. But if you read the start of this thread you will see that his behaviour has been nothing far short of disgusting 🤢

[Post edited by MNHQ to remove name]

OP posts:
AnotherTroyforHertoBurn · 05/05/2022 13:54

You have mentioned someones name, you might want MN to get that redcated.

AnotherTroyforHertoBurn · 05/05/2022 13:55

To contact MN to get that redacted even.

Icecreamlover63 · 05/05/2022 14:47

I have used fake names in everything I have posted. My dd name begins with a letter from the complete other end of the alphabet x

OP posts:
AnotherTroyforHertoBurn · 05/05/2022 14:53

A simple thank you would have dufficed. Imo

Marvellousmadness · 05/05/2022 14:58

And this is why you don't marry liars....

LookItsMeAgain · 05/05/2022 15:35

My advice is to contact his CO and advise him/her that if your SiL contacts anyone in the family ( you could specify names here when you're talking with them) that you will raise it with the police as harassment.
You should contact a solicitor and advise the CO that any communications your SiL feels are necessary are to be direct to the solicitor.
Your DD is distraught by his conduct and while he is in the army, he is theirs to instruct!
He is no longer to talk to anyone in the family. He is a liar, repeatedly and you no longer believe anything that SiL has to say.
Your solicitor will forward any communications that are necessary (so cut through all of the crap that SiL is spouting).

In relation to the divorce, I'd just get cracking on that as a priority. Don't worry about what he wants and what he's saying about it. Your DD needs to look after number 1 - that's her, not him!

Peachy66 · 05/05/2022 16:06

So basically from reading this thread it's all about:
WHAT HE WANTS
WHEN HE WANTS IT
HOW HE WANTS IT!!!!!!!!!!

Your DD now needs to do what is best for her and not him. The sooner she divorces him the quicker she can move on with her life. I don't believe he will go quietly though but the Army will step in and give her all the support she needs.

LowlandLucky · 05/05/2022 17:05

He will never change, if she wants to divorce get her to a solicitor ASAP for a letter of separation and to start proceedings before he runs up debt in her name.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/05/2022 20:22

He's not your SIL.

He's your daughter's abusive ex.

nancynoname · 05/05/2022 23:51

Why haven't your entire family blocked him on every avenue possible? 😕 That should have been the first step ages ago.

Definitely contact his CO (or whoever) and alert them to this continuing behaviour.

DD needs to start the divorce when it suites HER, not him. Ignore his demands/wants/tantrums. Direct him to communicate only via solicitor. And make sure the entire family has him (and his family) blocked! That will alleviate at least some of the harassment.

Icecreamlover63 · 06/05/2022 00:19

So dd put the divorce through tonight.
SIL phoned her and told her all about his new GF and then told dd he regrets getting married! Basically he just bloody insulted her.

He then proceeded to ask if he could still talk to my husband as they used to have a general chat about sport. My dh text SIL and said he wanted nothing to do with him as all SIL did was hurt my family.

I feel sick to my stomach that SIL said such awful things. My dd is seeing someone new and is very happy and is going on holiday with him in the summer. However she didn’t mention him to SIL as she just wants the divorce to go through!
all in all it’s been a horrible night and I’m absolutely sick of him!

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 06/05/2022 00:42

Icecreamlover63 · 04/04/2022 12:54

I didn’t think I would need to be on here for advice ever again!
However my DD just received an email from SIL asking if she wanted to contribute toward the last has and electric bill. My dd hasn’t lived there for over 2 months! SIL said he had an exit amount to pay on his broadband and gas/electric bill.

He was also posting photos of himself on instagram taking a girl out for lunch on Saturday. My dd isn’t upset that he has gone out with someone in fact she is relieved 😅 but she doesn’t see why she has to pay for something she hasn’t used!
She is going to ask him to sell the furniture in the house and to use that money. I have told her to ask her liaison Sgt at the army if he gets an increment to move and get him to use that money. Honestly he is getting nastier and nastier!

She doesn't need to ask him to sell the furniture.
She doesn't need to talk to the liaison Sgt about an increment.
She doesn't need to respond to his monEy request - AT ALL.

The sooner she - & you, dear OP - get it into your heads that she HAS NOTHING TO ANSWER FOR to this man, the sooner she will stop answering, stop contact, hand it all over to her lawyer, & get free.

You are both still caught in the trap of imagining you need to justify anything to this awful man. I am going to say it again -- SHE DOES NOT NEED TO RESPOND TO THIS MONEY DEMAND.

KettrickenSmiled · 06/05/2022 00:44

btw OP ... I have name changed, but you may recognise my posting style from previous, & a few pm's we shared.

Take care of yourself, I'm thinking of you. Also - take no shit, & no prisoners 😉

KettrickenSmiled · 06/05/2022 00:47

SIL phoned her and told her all about his new GF and then told dd he regrets getting married! Basically he just bloody insulted her.

WHY THE FUCK IS HE STILL ABLE TO RIING HER? HOW THE FUCK IS HE NOT BLOCKED YET? WHAT DO YOU THINK DIVORCE LAWYERS ARE FOR?

i am not sorry for shouting.
xx

AcrossthePond55 · 06/05/2022 00:52

First thing to do is have all the 'other' members of the family block STBXSiL on all devices/SM right now. There is no need for him to contact you, DH, other DD..

Now that the divorce has been filed there really is no need for there to be any communication between DD and her STBX either, is there? Finances have been separated and there are no child issues to be dealt with. I'm not super familiar with the new 'no fault' procedures but if it's anything like the 'no fault' in my US state it's just file papers requesting divorce and stating there are no outstanding issues, and then wait the requisite time.

As far as things she wants still at the house, she needs to decide if having them is really worth the hassle of getting them. If she really wants them, then I'd go through a 3rd party, either Welfare Office or his CO and try to make arrangements to get them when he isn't there.

If for some reason DD feels she needs some open line of communication, choose ONE email (preferably establish a new one) and have DD advise STBXSiL that he is ONLY to communicate using that email and that he is being blocked on all other methods of communication. Then have DD block him with the exception of that email address. She can then pick and choose when to check that inbox, or ask you or a friend to do it if she's not feeling up to it. She needs to understand that he is contacting her because he is getting something out of it. If she wants him to stop, she has to be the one to stop it.

At some point all of you are going to have to reach the point where he just 'ceases to exist'. The sooner the better.

PregnantMumOf4 · 06/05/2022 01:17

£3 is quite a large bet. Kick him to the curb

Dimplepie · 06/05/2022 01:42

AnotherTroyforHertoBurn · 05/05/2022 14:53

A simple thank you would have dufficed. Imo

A simple read of the thread would have told you the op has said many times she has used fake names.

KettrickenSmiled · 06/05/2022 01:56

If she wants him to stop, she has to be the one to stop it.

At some point all of you are going to have to reach the point where he just 'ceases to exist'. The sooner the better.

Brilliant, Pond. Please take heed icecream x

ScrollingLeaves · 06/05/2022 02:50

Your daughter is right to leave him.
He is an addict, he will lie, cheat and manipulate because of it. Gambling is as much an addiction as heroine or alcohol.

She needs her own home and a separate bank account.

Poor thing.

ScrollingLeaves · 06/05/2022 02:52

So sorry, had not rtft