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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fuming at DH - would you be?!

286 replies

Bellsandwhistle · 21/01/2022 19:29

So from 5-6 I’m on a course (he does not know this as usually not home till 630) and at 510 he messages me and kids do we want to go out for tea in 30 mins. Kids reply mum has asked us to put dinner in oven (all sat out on counter ready to go in oven). He replies it’s not in yet ask mum amd they say she’s on course can’t ask till after. He replies I’m coming to get you NOW be ready and he takes both kids out at 550 to restaurant. I come out of call at 615 to these messages. Call him and they are in restaurant and he says oh you’re going to be annoyed aren’t you - like I’m in the wrong?! He says oh I’ve done nothing wrong here you no reason to be annoyed. Of course I’m annoyed!! Would you not be?!! Why not wait till I was free to check re the dinner at home (ours was in oven kids too be added in later)?! Why such a rush?! Why not say okay go ahead with planned dinner and we could go out tmw or Sunday?!

OP posts:
Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 21/01/2022 22:50

OP the more you post the more dickish he sounds. I would never do this to DH and he would never do this to me.

DecayedStrumpet · 21/01/2022 22:50

Who the hell doesn't wait 20 mins for their partner before going out for dinner?
I've waited longer than that for DH to have a dump ffs.

Mind boggling that people think this is normal behaviour.

RaskolnikovsGarret · 21/01/2022 22:52

He was definitely BU for leaving you out. My DH would never do that to me.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/01/2022 22:54

@MyLifeNow20

Put the food in fridge and go and join them?
And stick a broom up her arse to sweep the floor at the same time. With a big smile.

Why couldn't he spend the twenty minutes sorting the food and all go together?

AuntEater · 21/01/2022 22:56

YANBU Your husband is a selfish dick. Mine would never do this

WonderfulYou · 21/01/2022 22:56

I feel sorry for the DCs.
Where are they when you’re arguing about dinner or him looking at flats for you to move out?

Sn0tnose · 21/01/2022 22:58

I’m really surprised that anyone at all could think that the OP is being unreasonable here.

He’s ignored the fact that she’s already done the work to prepare a meal, he’s excluded her from a family meal for the sake of 20 minutes (meaning she’s either got to re-portion the dinner she’s prepared or cook herself something else and eat alone) and when she’s quite understandably got the hump about it, he’s accused her of drinking too much. It’s selfish, it’s inconsiderate and it’s a shit way to treat someone you’re supposed to care about.

Original poster
Bellsandwhistle · 21/01/2022 23:04

Course it’s ironic!! Chardonnay.
Couldn’t join them was too late!! They could have waited.
Yes of course bigger issues as why on earth would you not wait 20 min if you cared about someone being there? I think it’s unbelievably rude and I would never do in reverse! Mumsnet is weird sometimes i was totally prepared for some look at the other side comments which o would take on board but not why wouldn’t he know the minutiae of you day, where are your kids type comments!

OP posts:
EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 21/01/2022 23:04

Why couldn't he spend the twenty minutes sorting the food and all go together?

And

He’s ignored the fact that she’s already done the work to prepare a meal, he’s excluded her from a family meal for the sake of 20 minutes (meaning she’s either got to re-portion the dinner she’s prepared or cook herself something else and eat alone) and when she’s quite understandably got the hump about it, he’s accused her of drinking too much.

I strongly agree with both of these. I'm taken aback that so many PPs don't understand the OP's perspective and what the DH has done.

TracyMosby · 21/01/2022 23:11

@DecayedStrumpet

Who the hell doesn't wait 20 mins for their partner before going out for dinner? I've waited longer than that for DH to have a dump ffs.

Mind boggling that people think this is normal behaviour.

GrinGrin
SomethingSuss · 21/01/2022 23:12

@MrsTerryPratchett

He was a dick.

All the MN excuses for men... he was a dick.

He was.

There would be "conflict" in my household because my kids would be pretty upset with DH for leaving me behind while they all went out to a restaurant for dinner. No way would they be okay with it even if it's just a McDonalds!

Juniper68 · 21/01/2022 23:16

He sounds pathetic.

Do you even like him?

Itsokay2020 · 21/01/2022 23:17

OP I hear you too, your DH has behaved badly but it’s clear there are deep rooted issues here. The bigger question is what do you want/need? It’s time for you to decide whether this is your best life... I suspect it isn’t

Original poster
Bellsandwhistle · 21/01/2022 23:21

Kids were a bit 🤨🤔 but tbf just went with it as why wouldn’t you at 12/14 when told be ready NOW as going out now. It’s not their fault. They were in impossible position. It’s DH I’m fuming with and I still think understandably as haven’t seen another reasonable side to this.

OP posts:
BrioLover · 21/01/2022 23:24

What a bellend. Who doesn't wait 20 mins to see if their wife and mother of their children wants to come out for dinner?

Also the comments about having a drink have got my goat. It's like you're not allowed to be annoyed about the nice dinner they've all had without you.

Bellend. Hope his toilet leaks in his shitty new flat.

UndertheCedartree · 21/01/2022 23:33

In all honesty it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Dinner from today can be eaten tomorrow. No dishes, bit of peace and quiet. I wouldn't however dress up for a week day meal or massively look forward to it - we're all different. I think it was just something spontaneous. I think you need to have a chat about how that stresses you out.

TheRemotePart · 21/01/2022 23:37

Of course it was not cool OP
What- are you just there making tea for everyone amd it’s getting binned?
No it’s not the end of the world but I’d feel left out too?
Has he explained WHY he thought this was ok?

If he doesn’t understand and say “my bad” then next week , you leave him NO tea, and take DC out and just don’t inform him and let him suss it out once he’s home from work
Or all order takeaway for only you and DC and be sat eating it as he comes in - he’ll soon realise how he made you feel.

Play him at his own game- hopefully it’s the only time you have to …

KittensWearingWoollyMittens · 21/01/2022 23:39

I get it OP, it was done in a way to control you, demanding you do something straight away when he says so then gaslighting you when he gets back. My ex was like this. He became unbearable in the end and it got worse over time. If he is like this in other ways it is not a good sign. Flowers

Livandme · 21/01/2022 23:43

It's incredibly rude and selfish of your h.
My ex did something v similar and it made me question how high up his priorities I was.

jelly79 · 21/01/2022 23:44

If it happens all the time I can understand your annoyance

But I think you are massively over reacting to be anything more that a little disappointed by missing out. Anything more than that is a waste of energy and dramatic

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 21/01/2022 23:46

I swear on here sometimes people disagree with an OP for shits and giggles, because how else is anyone reading this and not seeing what a gaslighting cocking selfish arse this man is?

He KNEW the OP would be 20 mins. He KNEW dinner was already prepared and ready to go on. He put the kids between a rock and a hard place, whisks them off to a nice restaurant the OP would have liked to go to.

Starts on the defensive before they've even come home, I've done nothing wrong, you're the controlling one. Comes back sees the OP has a glass of wine. Starts making out she's drunk. She's unreasonable. She's controlling. Then starts stropping off threatening to leave and look for flats, probably expecting the OP to burst into tears and beg him to stay. All the DARVO hallmarks.

I had a friend who's ex did this. Treated her like crap, told her she was mental if she said anything, and then threatened to leave. It worked for a while, she'd beg him not to go. Then one day she said off you go then, bye. Came back 20 mins later, sulking with his tail between his legs. Not long after it was over.

Pinkyantelope · 21/01/2022 23:49

@UndertheCedartree

In all honesty it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Dinner from today can be eaten tomorrow. No dishes, bit of peace and quiet. I wouldn't however dress up for a week day meal or massively look forward to it - we're all different. I think it was just something spontaneous. I think you need to have a chat about how that stresses you out.
All this might possibly be true if the DH had given the OP a choice as to whether or not to come. And the fact YOU wouldn't dress up for a weekday meal is completely irrelevant. The OP would and her DH would know that.

How patronising to say she should 'have a chat about how that stresses you out', as if the OP is totally and utterly unreasonable to be expected to be invited to a family dinner. And then to be gaslighted by her husband about having had too much to drink. This is someone who obviously likes to wind up his wife and doesn't care about her feelings.

Maybe you're not bothered about whether people care about your feelings but the OP, along with many other people, does want her feelings to be considered. We want to be taken into account and not excluded from arrangements. We want a reasonable conversation to take place if we're upset about something, not just to have our points dismissed in a passive aggressive way.

OP your updates confirm it for me that your husband isn't behaving in a caring way to you at all. It's not the slightest bit reasonable for him to start looking at flats just because you've had a disagreement.And the remark about him paying for stuff is a low blow. He doesn't seem to respect you or care for you. I'd seriously consider whether you are prepared for this to be your life going forward.

Pegasussnail · 21/01/2022 23:50

He was spoiling for a fight. Hope you are ok and manage to have a nice weekend Flowers

Original poster
Bellsandwhistle · 21/01/2022 23:52

The happens all the time is that he earns the money so his say apparently. This is not true I earn 40% of the income and i do all the house/kids stuff too. I’ve had enough as I can manage without him. Once Im treated with no respect what’s the point?! I can raise kids alone. Would prefer 2 parent family but if bad example then is it not better to be happy?!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellsandwhistle · 21/01/2022 23:59

He wanted to show me a flat online - like I care!! I said you go ahead if that’s what you want - I don’t care you pick. He won’t do it. He’d lose control. He wants me to beg him to stay.

I won’t.

OP posts:
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