Fuming at DH - would you be?!

[Bellsandwhistle]

So from 5-6 I’m on a course (he does not know this as usually not home till 630) and at 510 he messages me and kids do we want to go out for tea in 30 mins. Kids reply mum has asked us to put dinner in oven (all sat out on counter ready to go in oven). He replies it’s not in yet ask mum amd they say she’s on course can’t ask till after. He replies I’m coming to get you NOW be ready and he takes both kids out at 550 to restaurant. I come out of call at 615 to these messages. Call him and they are in restaurant and he says oh you’re going to be annoyed aren’t you - like I’m in the wrong?! He says oh I’ve done nothing wrong here you no reason to be annoyed. Of course I’m annoyed!! Would you not be?!! Why not wait till I was free to check re the dinner at home (ours was in oven kids too be added in later)?! Why such a rush?! Why not say okay go ahead with planned dinner and we could go out tmw or Sunday?!

[Sundancerintherain]

To all the H apologists - HE CHOSE TO EXCLUDE HIS WIFE. It is nasty , selfish and wrong.
As you were.

[HunterHearstHelmsley]

I'd be pissed off.

I'm astounded that some PP's appear to list off their meetings for the day to their DPs. I'd understand if it's "I'm at the Leeds site all day today so won't be easily contactable". Not what it appears some are saying... at 9, I'm in a project meeting, at 10.30 I have a call with Pat, etc etc. That's boring as sin and I'd want to gouge my eyes our if this was my dinner conversation!

@Bellsandwhistle Have you chilled the food? If so, let DP and DC have that tonight and order yourself a takeaway. If not, DP can sort him and the kids and you still other a takeaway.

Just don't tell him until moment's before. Then its spontaneous so OK and he can't be annoyed.

[HunterHearstHelmsley]

@BritWifeInUSA

I feel gaslighted!!

Oh please. That’s not gaslighting. Not even close. Don’t trivialize mental abuse and cruelty. He asked you how much you had to drink, because he thought you were tipsy or being a big animated. Reading your posts you do come across as a bit OTT with the whole thing.

Read all the posts. It is gaslighting.

The only one trivialising is you, not the OP.

[Nomoreporridge872]

I agree that his behaviour was rude and inconsiderate. It all fits in with some that wants it all his way

[AlternativePerspective]

Wait till you’ve got teenagers and, having prepared the dinner for them they ring on their way home and say “oh by the way I had McD’s so I don’t need to eat.”

[BingBangB0ng]

@peboh

Most woman on here would love for a dh who wants to take his kids out for dinner and make the effort.

The issue is a lack of communication. Your husband and should be aware you're on a course and what times you're expected home. Just as you should make him aware that you've already prepped dinner. It's not for your kids to be a go between the pair of you.

Are you kidding me.

I certainly wouldn’t “love for” a husband who does this. Mine is usually considerate, appreciates my efforts with cooking, housework, childcare and everything else, and would want to make sure I was included in a nice meal out.

And why should she need to “make him aware” of the time she started cooking dinner each day if every single day he gets home at 6.30 and it’s ready? The default is that she’s planned and will make a meal. If there’s going to be a deviation from that it’s on him to let her know.

[LlamasintheFog]

Baffled by so many of these responses.
Hope you're OK this morning OP
And yes, your husband is a selfish arse

[Teddybar]

I think a lot of people on here just have very low standards.

[BingBangB0ng]

I’d accept that he was well-meaning (if still thoughtless and unappreciative of the effort you make cooking) if he made a concerted effort to enable you to come too. Booked a table for after when you finished your course, waited at home and then told you to get changed asap once you finished.

The fact he just took the kids and left you at home alone with the dinner you cooked is a slap in the face. I can’t get over the people saying you should be grateful he wants to take the kids out. The bar is on the floor.

[mum11970]

I can’t believe some people are justifying this man’s behaviour by saying the OP should have told him she had a course, it has absolutely nothing to with it. He knew she wouldn’t be long and valued her so little he couldn’t wait for her. It is so disrespectful.
Anyone who cared about their partner wouldn’t do that, even if the only table available in the restaurant was at that time; never mind just because they wanted to go right then.
All the comments about the OP having time to herself and being able to have a bath and glass of wine are ridiculous, she could probably do that any night of the week she chose to and was not her husband’s intention. He just didn’t give a shiny shit about his wife and that is unforgivable.

[mum11970]

@AlternativePerspective

Wait till you’ve got teenagers and, having prepared the dinner for them they ring on their way home and say “oh by the way I had McD’s so I don’t need to eat.”

Been there and got the t-shirt with 5 kids and that is a totally different scenario and not comparable at all.

[MananaTomorrow]

I said you go ahead if that’s what you want - I don’t care you pick. He won’t do it. He’d lose control. He wants me to beg him to stay.

@Bellsandwhistle it seems you have reached the end of the road for you.
He might say he will leave and then won’t. But is it what you want and need? If you think there is nothing to save in that relationship, then take control! This time, instead of him being (or thinking he is) in control, take command and tell him to move out.
The fact he won’t move out isn’t always a good thing.

[ouchmyfeet]

@MrsTerryPratchett

He was a dick.

All the MN excuses for men... he was a dick.

Yes, this. I would be annoyed too OP

[MananaTomorrow]

Btw, the position he out your dcs in is even more unacceptable in my eyes.
Yes he treated appallingly but he also put them in a situation where THEY had to treat you appallingly too.
Now I was thinking that your dcs were end of primary, maybe 10~11yo by the way he told them they were going NOW. Now 14yo. I’m sure they will have felt extremely conflicted about it. Went because the fall out would have been bad. All the whilst knowing this was not acceptable because clearly when they all came back, you weren’t that happy about it.

This is not ok.

[RealBecca]

So all week he expects you to do the mental load and have his tea ready then spontaneously goes out for food without you, placing himself as the fun spontaneous parent? Like fuck would I be having his tea on the table in future. Disrespectful arse. And to put your kids in that situation is horrible. They knew it wasn't right. Sounds like the start of the end, even more so with his bullying and money status actions. Fucking fuck him.

[Sceptre86]

You've got bigger issues in your relationship and you need to deal with those. Yabu to focus on this one issue. The kids told him you were on a course, how was he to know it wasn't just a one day thing if you hadn't mentioned it? You don't sound like you communicate effectively and there is some resentment.

If I was doing a course at home whilst my children were in my care my dh would know about it because we talk to each other. Of course there could be a chance that he would come home early or that it would impact on him or the kids in some way. On the other hand my dh would have waited toll I was finished and we would have gone together or he would have bought me a takeaway bag. If yours didn't I would have been annoyed too.

You need to speak to each other.

[Blinky21]

Can't believe some people think this is ok, I feel sorry for those that do as they must be married to selfish pricks themselves. It's not OK.

[ldontWanna]

TBH, there's not much left of this relationship is there? You don't feel valued ,respected or listened to. You're not happy. The kids are now being put in the middle of it all. What's the point anymore?

[gingerbiscuits]

@Bellsandwhistle

Yes am fine with spontaneity on a weekend of I haven’t made dinner yet and we all decide let’s go out! Or on a day out oh let’s eat here. Not when I’ve made dinner smd half is in oven half ready to go and a plan is made on 10 min that doesn’t include me!!

What a selfish twat! I'd be raging - you're definitely not being unreasonable!!

Who does that?? Either eat what's already been cooked & plan to go for a meal the following night instead or at least wait a mere 10mins to allow your wife to go with you!!

My husband would never dream of just effing off out for tea with the kids, without me, when a mere 10mins wait would mean we could all go!! No sane person would.

Is he normally this much of a prick??

[sillysmiles]

I'd be pissed off too. Why couldn't he wait 10 minutes and you could go too. I wouldn't see it as a "treat" to be let alone.

[Keepitonthedownlow]

At the moment you both sound as bad as each other

[sillysmiles]

@AlternativePerspective

Wait till you’ve got teenagers and, having prepared the dinner for them they ring on their way home and say “oh by the way I had McD’s so I don’t need to eat.”

That is completely not the same at all.
Her husband actively excluded her from going out to dinner on a Friday evening. She'd been working too.
He is her husband not a teenager. He should have more consideration for her.

[diddl]

Are your kids scared of him Op?

At that age I'm really surprised that they went along with it & didn't say "oh Mum will be here soon".

[TracyMosby]

@Keepitonthedownlow

At the moment you both sound as bad as each other

Can you be more specific here?

[PurpleThursdays]

Havent rtft but if the kids replied "mum is on a course and dinner is prepped" he should have come home and cooked it himself for the family.