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AIBU?

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Original poster

Fuming at DH - would you be?!

286 replies

Bellsandwhistle · 21/01/2022 19:29

So from 5-6 I’m on a course (he does not know this as usually not home till 630) and at 510 he messages me and kids do we want to go out for tea in 30 mins. Kids reply mum has asked us to put dinner in oven (all sat out on counter ready to go in oven). He replies it’s not in yet ask mum amd they say she’s on course can’t ask till after. He replies I’m coming to get you NOW be ready and he takes both kids out at 550 to restaurant. I come out of call at 615 to these messages. Call him and they are in restaurant and he says oh you’re going to be annoyed aren’t you - like I’m in the wrong?! He says oh I’ve done nothing wrong here you no reason to be annoyed. Of course I’m annoyed!! Would you not be?!! Why not wait till I was free to check re the dinner at home (ours was in oven kids too be added in later)?! Why such a rush?! Why not say okay go ahead with planned dinner and we could go out tmw or Sunday?!

OP posts:
Persephoned · 21/01/2022 21:41
  • @fairylightsandwaxmelts*

Are you serious? Yes, if my partner had died or another immediate emergency yes it would be possible to interrupt a trial/surgery etc…wanting to chat dinner plans doesn’t cut that. Some jobs you are not contactable unless an emergency

MargosKaftan · 21/01/2022 21:42

@fairylightsandwaxmelts - Well I ask dh over dinner how his day had been, and yep, might tell me if he'd been doing some training, but wouldn't tell me in advance unless it would have an impact on me (eg. He can't drop dd at the childminder could I before work?)

If it had no impact on my day and we didn't have breakfast together to ask "anything interesting planned?" Its not likely id know.

The OPs dh knew she was in a meeting for another 20 mins, the children told him. The OPs DH knew she'd planned dinner and done the prep, the children had told him. He'd decided he wanted to go out for dinner in an oddly strict timings and couldn't possibly wait 20 minutes for her. So crap behaviour.

WonderfulYou · 21/01/2022 21:43

It's weird behaviour all round tbh I feel there's definitely some sort of background dynamic between you both

I agree.
The relationship sounds very separate.

Did you cook for all of you including you and your DH or just for the kids?

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 21/01/2022 21:45

Blimey, YANBU. You have thought about tea and asked the dd to put in oven - mental load.

Part of the fun of going out to eat is looking forward to it and getting ready - I agree.

Really weird and selfish of your h to take the dc out for tea - what did he expect you to do? And to a nice restaurant where you'd like to go - balls to that.

Rude, selfish git.

MargosKaftan · 21/01/2022 21:45

@peboh - nope, id hate DH to decide that even though id bought food and prepped dinner around working, he'd like to take the kids out without me without any warning and do that, meaning my time and effort sorting dinner was wasted and I got left out of family meal time. I do no set the bar that low.

ViceLikeBlip · 21/01/2022 21:45

So you prepped a whole meal for everyone (some of which was already actually IN the oven for him to see) and not only has he wasted that, he's also excluded you from the meal out?

I'm going with "he's a dick".

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 21/01/2022 21:46

@MrsTerryPratchett

He was a dick.

All the MN excuses for men... he was a dick.

I definitely agree with the spirit of this.
Original poster
Bellsandwhistle · 21/01/2022 21:47

Yes communication poorly poor but of there was an emergency I could be contacted just not going to check WhatsApp in a work meeting. This was not an emergency. This was DH decide if he wanted dinner out. Now. Would not wait 20 min to check what I thought. Never mind include me. I think that selfish twatish behaviour and I would do never do that.

OP posts:
MargosKaftan · 21/01/2022 21:48

@Wonderfulyou - the OP says she'd made a meal for her and DH that was already cooking, the dcs were having something separate that had to go in the oven 30 mins before (which she'd also prepped) and they'd been asked to do that.

MargosKaftan · 21/01/2022 21:49

OP is he home and has he said why he couldn't possibly wait 20 minutes?

Bethany7 · 21/01/2022 21:50

I would have been annoyed too O.P

Totally understand where you are coming from!

Bettyboopawoop · 21/01/2022 21:52

Sometimes people like to do things spontaneously.

Original poster
Bellsandwhistle · 21/01/2022 21:53

He’s back and pretended all was normal?!🤔🤨 I said that was a bit selfish why didn’t you wait and he said how much have you had to drink (half a glass) amd that I was being controlling?! Wtf?! I do not have a drink problem and feel I’m allowed to say I’m a bit annoyed dinner was ready and wasted and I’d have loved to have gone too??!! I feel gaslighted!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellsandwhistle · 21/01/2022 21:55

Yes am fine with spontaneity on a weekend of I haven’t made dinner yet and we all decide let’s go out! Or on a day out oh let’s eat here. Not when I’ve made dinner smd half is in oven half ready to go and a plan is made on 10 min that doesn’t include me!!

OP posts:
MananaTomorrow · 21/01/2022 21:55

@Bellsandwhistle

He didn’t care if I could go or not. This is annoying. He decided he wanted to go now and that was it. He would have went with or without kids really but took them as he probably preferred that to eating alone. Zero consideration for me. This is typical behaviour but brought home tonight as I just know my friends husbands would never do this. Tbh I’m shocked so many of you would have DHs who would go out without waiting 20 min to ask you amd you would be okay with this!
MN a is a strange place where people are in relationship, live together have kids but somehow live completely independent lives where they are never checking with each other. They can do whatever they want whenever wo having a chat with their DP first. All in the name of ‘haviing j’y own money. I’m spending how I want’ to ‘I don’t need to ask DH permission!’ Etc…

It’s strange and Ime not what happens in RL.

DebIr · 21/01/2022 21:56

I would be annoyed. I have had similar and it is exhausting and unfair if you’re the one who plans and makes the dinners to then find no one is eating them!

MananaTomorrow · 21/01/2022 21:57

@Bellsandwhistle

He’s back and pretended all was normal?!🤔🤨 I said that was a bit selfish why didn’t you wait and he said how much have you had to drink (half a glass) amd that I was being controlling?! Wtf?! I do not have a drink problem and feel I’m allowed to say I’m a bit annoyed dinner was ready and wasted and I’d have loved to have gone too??!! I feel gaslighted!!
Ah yes….

Xpost with you but exactly what some poster seem to say. Asking what your partner has planned or waiting for them is controlling.

Just another way to tell the other person thatbthey don’t matter but to make them feeling guilty/second guess themselves at the same time.
This is NOT being controlling.

The fact he started with implying you had to be drunk says it all really :(

Mythologies · 21/01/2022 22:01

He's a fucking prick and those excusing him are part of the problem

PugInTheHouse · 21/01/2022 22:11

I totally agree @Mythologies MN is a different planet at times.

There are a million and one jobs where you can't pick up texts for an hour or two, this really isn't unusual. Training/courses are part of many jobs and certainly wouldn't be part of informing other halves prior to the day, may chat about it after if particularly interesting but mostly mandatory training.

In RL I don't know anyone who would treat their partner this way, seriously, coming home early and ignoring the kids telling him that dinner is ready to go in the oven and that mum is on a course till 6 but him insisting they have to leave her behind and go straight away, and the OP is supposed to be grateful for some 'me time' which involved her cooking for herself whilst everyone else goes off for a nice meal.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/01/2022 22:14

In RL I don't know anyone who would treat their partner this way, seriously, coming home early and ignoring the kids telling him that dinner is ready to go in the oven and that mum is on a course till 6 but him insisting they have to leave her behind and go straight away, and the OP is supposed to be grateful for some 'me time' which involved her cooking for herself whilst everyone else goes off for a nice meal.

A very succinct summary.

YeOldeTrout · 21/01/2022 22:14

I don't like restaurant meals & I'd be chuffed to have quiet house to myself. Probably not the person to 'get' this thread.

Isntitironic1 · 21/01/2022 22:14

@Persephoned

* *@fairylightsandwaxmelts**

Are you serious? Yes, if my partner had died or another immediate emergency yes it would be possible to interrupt a trial/surgery etc…wanting to chat dinner plans doesn’t cut that. Some jobs you are not contactable unless an emergency

She’s not in surgery though is she? She already stated that she was on a course
Original poster
Bellsandwhistle · 21/01/2022 22:15

Yes we are quite independent but not so much so that you wouldn’t expect an invite to a fucking family meal out just the 4 of us?! I.said he was a selfish prick - he said how much have you had to drink - a lot less than him - and I said in anger admittedly - oh just fuck off then - he said I pay the bills you can’t (I could) and I replied well don’t then I can manage - so now he’s googling flats and asking me which one?! 🤨 I’ve said I do t care. So that’s ended well.

OP posts:
Yuckypretty · 21/01/2022 22:15

I'd be annoyed.

2pinkginsplease · 21/01/2022 22:15

I wouldn’t be happy, going out for a dinner is a treat in our house. Which we go as a family rather than one person missing out!

He’s a selfish twat!