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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fuming at DH - would you be?!

286 replies

Bellsandwhistle · 21/01/2022 19:29

So from 5-6 I’m on a course (he does not know this as usually not home till 630) and at 510 he messages me and kids do we want to go out for tea in 30 mins. Kids reply mum has asked us to put dinner in oven (all sat out on counter ready to go in oven). He replies it’s not in yet ask mum amd they say she’s on course can’t ask till after. He replies I’m coming to get you NOW be ready and he takes both kids out at 550 to restaurant. I come out of call at 615 to these messages. Call him and they are in restaurant and he says oh you’re going to be annoyed aren’t you - like I’m in the wrong?! He says oh I’ve done nothing wrong here you no reason to be annoyed. Of course I’m annoyed!! Would you not be?!! Why not wait till I was free to check re the dinner at home (ours was in oven kids too be added in later)?! Why such a rush?! Why not say okay go ahead with planned dinner and we could go out tmw or Sunday?!

OP posts:
Talipesmum · 21/01/2022 20:08

I’d be absolutely fuming too. Why would he just do that, why would you decide to go out to dinner when you’re not all even there or ready? And when there’s food left out ready and the kids know all about it AND knew you were on a course AND told him?

Basically, he wanted to go out to dinner, swept the kids along with them making it awkward for them cos they knew you’d asked them to sort something else. And why would he assume you’d be ready to his timing, when he had no idea when you would finish?

Totally self absorbed. If he was hugely apologetic that you were missing out that would help. But it doesn’t sound like it!

PugInTheHouse · 21/01/2022 20:10

I don't really understand why he couldn't have waited till you finished, going after you finished wouldn't have been that late and the kids knew what you were doing. I just cannot imagine my DH, my dad or brother doing that. Shit communication on his part and sounds like he was being awkward on purpose.

I am actually shocked at some of the replies TBH, its a shitty thing to do.

AngelinaFibres · 21/01/2022 20:11

We have a board on the wall. It has an A4 chalk space for each day. No children at home anymore so just 2 of us. We write in chalk on a Sunday our plans for each day of the following week...meetings, lunches, evenings out etc. No confusion about spontaneous stuff, surprises, big lunches so no hot evening meal needed etc. Perhaps it would help if you had a similar thing that said " Friday mum course 5-6 tea - kids in charge.".

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 21/01/2022 20:12

@MrsTerryPratchett

I think the point people are trying to make is that he didn't know in advance. His idea was to come home from work, pick everyone up and go straight away.

Neither did she. He changed the status quo so he's supposed to check in advance!

Yes, he should check - but OP says herself she wasn't contactable because she was doing this course (which she hadn't told him about).

I wouldn't rely on kids to pass on the right details either way - they're both at fault IMO.

Yes, her DH is a dick for not waiting 20 minutes but equally I don't get partners who don't communicate any of their plans to each other in advance.

If I had DC and was going to be uncontactable due to work or a course, I'd be making sure my husband/partner knew about it in advance.

MananaTomorrow · 21/01/2022 20:13

@asnippersdream

I wouldn't be fuming at DH no; he's not psychic, how was he supposed to know about your course. I'd be pouring myself wine and enjoying the peace!
Which is why he should have listened to the kids, understand that the OP was busy until 6.00pm and wait until then to take a decision.

I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t like it arrive to an empty house even though he thought everyone was waiting for him to eat because suddenly the OP had decided to have other plans that simply ignore him.

This is disrespectful

mcmooberry · 21/01/2022 20:13

I'd be bloody well fuming if this happened here! I am astounded at some of the "pour yourself a glass of wine" replies!! Surely the OP, and anyone else, would want to be part of the family trip to a restaurant and not left to cling film the prepared dinner and eat goodness knows what herself. Would be incandescent.

shivawn · 21/01/2022 20:14

I can see why you're a bit annoyed but I wouldn't be fuming.

GloriousGoosebumps · 21/01/2022 20:14

It's a waste of food of course but my complaint would be that he didn't wait for you to finish your course and then all go out together. In fact, the older I become the less I will put up with this type of behaviour so I would have reminded him that we can all play silly buggers and he'd not be in a position to complain when I returned "the favour." It's surprising how often unreasonable people rethink their behaviour when they realise that there's a price to be paid for their shitty behaviour.

CharlotteRose90 · 21/01/2022 20:15

You sound like a child. It’s nice he took the kids out for food. Perhaps next time you don’t leave him out on the fact your on a course and can’t be disturbed . He’s not a mind reader.

PugInTheHouse · 21/01/2022 20:15

Why did she need to let him know when he doesn't get home till 630 each night. Neither DH or I would tell each other what meetings/courses we have in our normal working day. If we decided to finish early thinking we may go out then we would let the other know, not just fuck off without them because we'd changed the plans from the norm.

Why would you need to let DH know if uncontactable for an hour when he would usually be at work, the DCs clearly aren't that little as were sorting dinner out!

TracyMosby · 21/01/2022 20:15

On finding out you were on a course until 6pm he replied with I’m coming to get you NOW be ready which was ten minutes before you'd have been ready. Why do that? Why not wait ten minutes?

He says oh you’re going to be annoyed aren’t you - like I’m in the wrong?! He says oh I’ve done nothing wrong here you no reason to be annoyed without even acknowledging he would have just needed to wait minutes for you. But chose not to.
And then you added he doesn't care about your day.

He sounds like an arse.

Is this standard behaviour?

Hawkins001 · 21/01/2022 20:16

I understand your frustrations op, sometimes I just get an idea and previously plans alter, but in this situation your dp should of waited.

MananaTomorrow · 21/01/2022 20:16

@Bellsandwhistle

But why is it a nice reason when I was left out?! It feels mean to leave me behind! I would never do the same unless he was away somewhere. If he was here I’d always ask him.
I agree.

I would never ignore the fact my husband is currently working (the dcs told him) would be busy for another 30mins and the decide that actually im better off on my own with the dcs because I had decided to d9 things in a certain way.

Is he always so inflexible or is it just pure selfishness? My way or the highway?

Spudlet · 21/01/2022 20:17

Yeah, I’d be seriously annoyed at missing out. But I’d also take it as a catalyst to talk to DH and to try and improve communication a bit. You sound like you need a shared calendar so you can see where you are each going to be.

I’d still be seriously annoyed at being left behind and at having cooked for no reason though, that was a dick move from your DH. He could have waited or gone out another night so you could all go.

Zonder · 21/01/2022 20:17

This is so mean. Why couldn't he come home, see that dinner was done and you were in a meeting and just do it tomorrow instead? Is he always this controlling?

WhyYesYABU · 21/01/2022 20:18

I find it utterly bizarre people think its normal for a person to come and take all of the family bar one out for dinner rather than wait under an hour to include them. And also waste their efforts putting dinner together. Yes, I'd be annoyed.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/01/2022 20:18

He was selfish. He wasn't going to starve to death in 20 minutes so he could have waited. His reaction when you contacted him says it all - it was like a teenager.

TearifficTaz · 21/01/2022 20:18

YABU

Who on earth would be fuming their husband isn't a mind reader?

You were uncontactable, he wanted to go out for food, the kids did too it seems, so what's the harm?

MananaTomorrow · 21/01/2022 20:18

@CharlotteRose90

You sound like a child. It’s nice he took the kids out for food. Perhaps next time you don’t leave him out on the fact your on a course and can’t be disturbed . He’s not a mind reader.
Err… do you tell your DH about all your work schedule when wfh? As in when meetings happens and so on just in case one day he might come back home half an hour earlier?

Really?!?

And does your DH also keep your informed of all his meetings even though they will have no impact in you because … you are not supposed to be together at that time?

I very much doubt anyone would be happy with such an arrangement. That would be controlling really.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 21/01/2022 20:18

Neither DH or I would tell each other what meetings/courses we have in our normal working day.

I wouldn't either if I could be contacted as normal.

Why would you need to let DH know if uncontactable for an hour when he would usually be at work, the DCs clearly aren't that little as were sorting dinner out!

All they were doing is putting in the oven, so possibly still fairly young.

Anyway, I suppose people do things differently, but if I had children and was going to be completely out of contact, I would tell my partner just in case there was an emergency or something happened. Yes, it's unlikely but for me it's just normal to say "I'll be doing x between 5-6 so I won't be able to get to my phone, but if you need me, just ask the kids to knock the door".

TracyMosby · 21/01/2022 20:19

@CharlotteRose90

You sound like a child. It’s nice he took the kids out for food. Perhaps next time you don’t leave him out on the fact your on a course and can’t be disturbed . He’s not a mind reader.
Wtf?!?! He doesnt care about her day. And it doesnt normally matter as they both dont normally arrive home until after the course.

He left her at home without food. He excluded her from a family meal, without notice. He sounds like the child. She was busy and not hanging on his every word so he went put for a family meal without her.

TracyMosby · 21/01/2022 20:20

@WhyYesYABU

I find it utterly bizarre people think its normal for a person to come and take all of the family bar one out for dinner rather than wait under an hour to include them. And also waste their efforts putting dinner together. Yes, I'd be annoyed.
This!!!

Wtf is wrong with people thinking this was acceptable?!?!!

Potentialscroogeincognito · 21/01/2022 20:21

I think the meanest bit of this is he just left you at home and wouldn’t wait 20mins. What a prick. Why the rush?! It’s Friday night. Wait for you and then all go out surely? Eat what’s in the oven for lunch tomorrow.
Fully agree OP I would be RAGING.

Twatforaneighbour · 21/01/2022 20:22

Im with you on this OP, Id be pissed that Id gone to the effort of making dinner then it not been eaten and also that you've been left out of a family meal that DH could have done the next night or at least waited to speak to you about. He had the information he needed anyway from your kids, he obviously just did what he wanted to do instead!
I wonder what he'd say of the situation was reversed and he had made dinner for everyone?

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 21/01/2022 20:23

He was being an utter dick.