Fuming at DH - would you be?!

[Bellsandwhistle]

So from 5-6 I’m on a course (he does not know this as usually not home till 630) and at 510 he messages me and kids do we want to go out for tea in 30 mins. Kids reply mum has asked us to put dinner in oven (all sat out on counter ready to go in oven). He replies it’s not in yet ask mum amd they say she’s on course can’t ask till after. He replies I’m coming to get you NOW be ready and he takes both kids out at 550 to restaurant. I come out of call at 615 to these messages. Call him and they are in restaurant and he says oh you’re going to be annoyed aren’t you - like I’m in the wrong?! He says oh I’ve done nothing wrong here you no reason to be annoyed. Of course I’m annoyed!! Would you not be?!! Why not wait till I was free to check re the dinner at home (ours was in oven kids too be added in later)?! Why such a rush?! Why not say okay go ahead with planned dinner and we could go out tmw or Sunday?!

It's weird behaviour all round tbh I feel there's definitely some sort of background dynamic between you both

@WhyYesYABU

I find it utterly bizarre people think its normal for a person to come and take all of the family bar one out for dinner rather than wait under an hour to include them. And also waste their efforts putting dinner together. Yes, I'd be annoyed.

Totally agree with above

Not only would I be annoyed, I’d be offended that they thought so little of me they couldn’t wait less than an hour to include me in a family treat. The OPs children are old enough to put a meal in the oven and be left unattended so I doubt very much it was a quick trip to MacDonalds for a happy meal.

He was really out of order.

How about tomorrow you get him to shop and cook dinner for all four of you, then 20 mins before he's ready to dish up, grab the kids and take them out to a restaurant wasting the dinner and his time prepping it and leaving him the choice of either eating the meal for 4 or having nothing.

Then get angry with him and say you don't understand why he's so stroppy about it.

He’s not BU to take his kids out for a meal but I don’t understand why it had to be NOW.

It does sound like there are deeper issues in your relationship and the communication is terrible.

My dh wouldn’t do that.

I wouldn’t do it to him either.

But you didn’t get time to yourself, you were working. He is a knob, I’d be fuming. If I’d prepped dinner then my husband swanned out without me I’d be livid.

Am I the only one who didn’t understand what the fuck the op was about and had to read it a 2nd time? I picked up it was Something about a useless husband.

@MrsTerryPratchett

But trying is common for me. Why would I say?

Does your partner know you do training a lot? Guessing so. Not a case of I'm doing this at x time and that at x time.

I'm starting this course, I'll be doing it everyday Friday between 5-6.
The op and her dh didn't even communicate about this.

Might be in the minority but I just find it odd he didn't know she was doing a course.

I don’t think DH wanting a meal out constitutes an emergency, presumably if the kids had a genuine problem they would interrupt the OP’s meeting.

I would definitely stop making DH any tea for a few weeks in case he wanted to be ‘spontaneous’ again.

To be honest, even without the dinner in the oven, I wouldn’t think someone saying ‘I want to go out, we’re leaving in 30mins - be ready’ is particularly ‘lovely’. Especially that early in the evening.

OP YANBU

@MrsTerryPratchett so if you were not contactable for say 2 hours you wouldn’t tell OH? What about in the case of an emergency? I thought it was just common decency to make your OH aware of these things

Does your partner know you do training a lot? Guessing so.

🤷‍♀️ no idea. We both have jobs that require keeping up to date.

Anyway I see people twisting themselves in knots to try to blame OP. He was selfish. It doesn't really matter if she normally does courses or should tell him. He could have waited 20 minutes and chose not to. Dick.

@rainyskylight

Honestly I would full on go silent treatment for this.

🙄

That never solves anything. “Silent treatment” is psychological abuse.

OP, please can you clarify: was this an online course from home? Such that in an emergency the DC could contact you?

@MargosKaftan

Why would she tell him what courses /appointments she had in the day, she was working from home while he was at work. She would have finished all work half an hour before he was due home. I have no idea what appointments/courses DH has been doing from home today. It would be bizarre to tell me.

For me it's part of normal conversation.

What DH does at work has no real impact on my day but he still tells me about it because, well, isn't that what partners do? I always know what he has planned at work each day - not down to the minute, but I know that he'll be on X site doing Y job and that he should be home at roughly Z o'clock.

I have to say I find it really weird that so many people on MN appear to never speak to their partners about so many things. It's normal to me to know about DH's working day and he knows about mine because we talk to each other about these things.

@Isntitironic1

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t tell him you were on a course? My OH is self employed but we chat over dinner about the next days events or when I’m on my lunch break

Exactly! I just find it so weird that people appear to never tell their partners anything unless it has a direct and immediate impact on them lol.

so if you were not contactable for say 2 hours you wouldn’t tell OH?

I don't always know. I'm one of those people with a job who has to run towards the screaming. He's more dependable than me. Emergencies are just that.

Dinner plans are different.

You and your husband have a problem with communication in general.

The issue wasn't going on to dinner tonight

I can't believe people think you are being unreasonable OP. I'm just imagining my husband's response to the kids saying I was on a course and supper was on the side. I expect it would be along the lines of "oh great, I'm going to be home a bit early so I can help you get it on the table."

And then he'd ask me if I'd like to eat out over the weekend and where.

Do people really like their families going out without them without having any say in the matter?!

Can't believe how many people are saying he did a lovely thing and the OP should be grateful he took the kids out!

The OP says she does all the childcare and activities and arranges everything around her work, he just comes home every day to his tea ready.

He comes home early and the OP is still working. He could have made sure the tea was ready for the OP when she comes in
for a change I mean she'd already done all the hard work he just had to shove it in the oven and get it on the table but instead the lazy, selfish twat just thinks of his own stomach and goes out to eat with the kids leaving her out!
Yeah she should be so grateful

YANBU, he is a prick, but you probably know that already.

Yes I’m offended. Yes it wasn’t McDonald’s. It was a nice restaurant that I’d love to go to. He knows this.

Most woman on here would love for a dh who wants to take his kids out for dinner and make the effort.

The issue is a lack of communication. Your husband and should be aware you're on a course and what times you're expected home. Just as you should make him aware that you've already prepped dinner. It's not for your kids to be a go between the pair of you.

They may not be able to check texts, but those people could still be contacted if necessary
OP was contactable as the children were in the house with her. They could have quite easily gone in if it was an emergency.
He came to the house to pick up the kids, so would have been able to see food was already in the oven. It’s rude to go with out you but it’s also disrespectful of your time you had spent preparing the meals, instead of wasting time preparing them maybe you could have moved all of your work earlier and been sat ready to go for the meal.
It’s normal for me to not be able to use my phone at certain points of the day, because it’s normal I wouldn’t tell DP, he would just wait for a reply when I was available. We talk about general job stuff but not specific points in detail.

I do courses/training all the time. It’s a routine work thing. Not something I’d ever tell him about. It’s so not a thing just part of my working day that he doesn’t care about. He ne Ed says to me I’ve this meeting then just I’m at work so not available. Equally I only tell him if a work thing cleaned with any of the kids stuff to check if he can cover.

Most woman on here would love for a dh who wants to take his kids out for dinner and make the effort

Well sure, but I'd like to be included too in this situation. I bet if OP took the children out for dinner and he finished work to find them all out and no dinner to himself he's be annoyed.