To ask... would you go to a hen party if you weren’t invited to the wedding? (Not even to the reception or night do? None of it...)

[HelloFrostyMorning]

So, say a work colleague, (or a friend,) is getting married, and it's strictly only close family and close friends invited, (60 in all from both sides.)

She's asking 36 people (some work colleagues and a few mates, and several neighbours,) to her hen party. Costs £95 each. (For coach travel to a venue 25 miles away, a meal, and live music.)

However, 20 of the 36 are not invited to the wedding. Not to the ceremony, nor the reception, nor the night do. None of it. (The other 16 are obviously, and are invited to all 3 sections.) The 20 not invited are work colleagues, neighbours, and friends. (Obviously not close ones!)

If you were one of the 20 not invited to the wedding, would attend the hen party?

YABU. NO I would not.

YANBU. YES I would

Asking for a friend…

No I wouldn’t. This happened to me once, spent an absolute fortune in a colleague’s hen do and I was the only one not invited. It’s not that I want something in return but the principle of I was good enough to fork out £200 on a hen do but not good enough for even an evening invitation

@deleteasappropriate

I know my comment isn't wedding related but I was absolutely gutted on my 40th birthday that everyone close to me got me something with 40th on it! I'm now 63 and still remember it 🙈. Please don't do this to anyone else no matter what the situation is!

Why? Why were you gutted? You were 40, and people got you '40 years old' related gifts? What's the problem? Am I missing something?

@AsYouWishButtercup

No I wouldn’t. This happened to me once, spent an absolute fortune in a colleague’s hen do and I was the only one not invited. It’s not that I want something in return but the principle of I was good enough to fork out £200 on a hen do but not good enough for even an evening invitation

This is the kind of thing I'm on about. ^

@HelloFrostyMorning

As several people have said, if it was 36 work colleagues and mates that the 'bride to be' wanted to celebrate with, and they were ALL not invited to the wedding, then I'd be OK with going possibly. (Preferably if it was half the price though, or even a third.)

But for 20 of the 36 to not be invited to the wedding, when the other 16 are, well, I think that's a bit off, and if I was one of the 20, I would not be going to the hen. Very rude (IMO) to invite only 16 of the 36 to the wedding, and leave the other 20 out. It's like 'well you're OK to be at my hen party, as long as you pay for yourself obvs - but you're not deemed worthy to be at my wedding.. soz!'

Oh for goodness' sake. I had a load of colleagues that I liked and got on well with. But of course within that group of a similar size to the one you're talking about, some were closer friends than others. If one person had a group of half a dozen friends that she was particularly close to, it wouldn't occur to me to be treated in the same way as them. No-one has a group of 38 people that they are equally close to. It's madness to expect someone to invite someone she's worked with for a few months, because she's inviting the colleague she's been close friends with for ten years and whose child she's godmother to.

You seem to have a huge chip on your shoulder. Using the word 'worthy' is bizarre.

@AsYouWishButtercup

No I wouldn’t. This happened to me once, spent an absolute fortune in a colleague’s hen do and I was the only one not invited. It’s not that I want something in return but the principle of I was good enough to fork out £200 on a hen do but not good enough for even an evening invitation

But surely you make the decision as to whether to go on the hen night depending on how much you will enjoy it / the cost / your finances / your comfort at spending that much on a night out ? It has nothing to do with if you are / aren't going to the wedding or if the person you are sitting next to is / isn't going to the wedding.

I've been to weddings and chosen not to go on the hen night for a variety of reasons many times over the years..... I don't like the sound of the 'do' .... I don't have that sort of money..... I've not had readily available babysitters..... they've arranged something for a long weekend and I've not been able to afford the time / get leave / have something on one of the days / etc.
On other occasions I've gone on the odd hen do when I've not been invited to any part of the wedding.

I choose to either go, or not go to any hen do I'm invited to on the basis of that night alone, ie, if I think I will enjoy it, and it is within the budget I would normally spend on a night out.
I can't get my head round why you would spend £200 on a colleague's hen night. However, no-one made you, you obviously opted in to that.

Do you like this person, can you afford it and do you think you'd enjoy the hen do?

No under those circumstances

Hen dos are to celebrate with close friends

If that close you would be going to the wedding

Maybe if was a wedding of 10/15 family and meal locally

Wouldn’t spend £100

At my work we sometimes do a night out for the person getting married knowing that we won't all be invited, usually not organised by person getting married. Anyone else and no I probably wouldn't go

I would think that the 20 had only been invited to bring the cost down for the 16 going to the wedding and would decline the invite as I don't like feeling used

I wouldn't go but my DH has been on stag do's when he wasn't invited to the wedding.

@HelloFrostyMorning

As several people have said, if it was 36 work colleagues and mates that the 'bride to be' wanted to celebrate with, and they were ALL not invited to the wedding, then I'd be OK with going possibly. (Preferably if it was half the price though, or even a third.)

But for 20 of the 36 to not be invited to the wedding, when the other 16 are, well, I think that's a bit off, and if I was one of the 20, I would not be going to the hen. Very rude (IMO) to invite only 16 of the 36 to the wedding, and leave the other 20 out. It's like 'well you're OK to be at my hen party, as long as you pay for yourself obvs - but you're not deemed worthy to be at my wedding.. soz!'

That's easy then - politely decline.

No I wouldn't go unless it was a local outing for food and/or drinks. Asking someone to pay £95 for an event style hen party is unusual if they are not close enough to be a wedding guest.

Yes I have done tHis, but it's been for work colleagues or less close friends where I wouldn't have expected an invite to the wedding. I still enjoyed celebrating with them. I wouldn't go if I was the only person not going to the wedding, that would be weird.

Erm no. 60 isn't a small wedding to me either (we had less than that to our day and perhaps about 70 including night people). My hen do didn't consist of loads of people but all the ones I invited were at least invited to the night do. I wouldn't have dreamed of inviting people to the hen do who weren't invited to the wedding!

If they were getting married abroad or truly having a small wedding (less than 10 people) then that might be different. But even then- its a strange thing to do to have a wedding of 5 and not be including (or paying for) others, but expect 35 people to fork out money for your hen do? Piss take.

I have done that but it was just for a local meal out and a few drinks, not with a £95 price tag!!

To be honest, if this happened I'd think they were planning a hen do they couldn't actually afford, so bumped up the numbers to spread the cost.

I wouldn't go, I'd think it very rude

I did once, and it was a bit awkward. A work friend invited all female staff at work for a meal and night out locally, along with her other friends and family. Her closer friends and older relatives seemed to leave pretty early, leaving me and a handful of other work friends who she isn’t as close to. At that point I expected to be invited to the evening do, but it turned out she was having a budget wedding with evening do only and only invited maybe 5 people from work. None of those were the people who stayed till the end of her hen do.

It was a bit weird, and one of the occasions that put me off the idea of hen and stag dos. I didn’t have one myself.

@paintfairy

Erm no. 60 isn't a small wedding to me either (we had less than that to our day and perhaps about 70 including night people). My hen do didn't consist of loads of people but all the ones I invited were at least invited to the night do. I wouldn't have dreamed of inviting people to the hen do who weren't invited to the wedding!

If they were getting married abroad or truly having a small wedding (less than 10 people) then that might be different. But even then- its a strange thing to do to have a wedding of 5 and not be including (or paying for) others, but expect 35 people to fork out money for your hen do? Piss take.

Exactly. It's weird, and rude IMO.

Also, for those few posters who can't be arsed to RTFT and read my posts, THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME. I have not been invited to any hen party and not to the wedding. So calm down, and rein in the snarky remarks about me please.

@Ftl6 That sounds a bit off too! ^

I think there's a big difference between being the only person not invited to the wedding at the hen do and most people being in that situation in your case.

She may have been encouraged by others who just want a night out and don't care they aren't being invited.

If you want to go go, if you don't don't. But this isn't something to take offence over

Not at £95, no. I'd assume I'd been invited to drop the costs for everyone else. Somewhere more local for a third of the price and travelling independently, perhaps.

@deleteasappropriate

I know my comment isn't wedding related but I was absolutely gutted on my 40th birthday that everyone close to me got me something with 40th on it! I'm now 63 and still remember it 🙈. Please don't do this to anyone else no matter what the situation is!

And what’s this got to do with the price of 🐟? 🙄

@MichelleScarn

In total this is costing £3420.. is the organiser of the hen getting a cut?

That's what I thought. Or else they get a free place if a certain number go.

Recently I was invited to hens it cost $100 a head and there was supposed to be flower crown making, a fortune teller, a sparkle station and a few other things.
I was hesitant but thought I should go as there was a few other people going that I knew.
One of the major reasons I was hesitant was that I dont drink wine or beer or cider and I am certainly not interested in any of the above activities.

It wasn't until I paid my money and about a week before I clicked that I hadn't received a wedding invite. It dawned on me that I wasn't invited.

I still went along as I had paid but it was horrible! After the 3rd time hearing others talk around me about who was staying with who and how much fun it was going to be, I made my excuses and left.

I was so hurt. One of the bridesmaid's could see something was wrong and ended up following me out. I burst into tears and told her I felt like a fool. I had no idea what was going on around me and was so embarrassed that I was good enough to come to the hens and pay $100 to do so but not good enough for the wedding.

About a week later the bride contacted me and said that she had just found out why I had left and that she was sorry not everyone invited to the hens was invited to the wedding they would have loved to have more people but money and space blah blah blah.

In my opinion I would have liked to have a heads up before realising a week before the hens.

If it was me I would have put a note in with the hens invites about the wedding and stating that there were limited numbers etc.

Made me laugh that the fortune teller was an hour late. The flower crown lady left after an hour and everyone was complaining they didn't get to do one.
The food was very little and one of the bridesmaid's was telling the other bridesmaid's they are not allowed to eat as there wouldn't be enough for everyone else.

If a colleague was having a small wedding, but still wanted a party for workmates, then I'd go to that sort of do. I wouldn't expect it to be £95 per head though! More along the lines of meal out somewhere (covering brides costs) then pub with music or club, with price tag in line with other works nights out and perhaps a whip round for a gift for the bride.

Hen do proper only for those much closer to the bride, who wouid be invited to the wedding