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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get involved - banned from driving

364 replies

TwuntyFriend · 21/01/2022 10:37

NC for this. It's more of a WWYD.

My friend has had a problem with alcohol for years. She drinks a lot. A few months ago she was pulled over and was found to be over the limit. She was rightly prosecuted, and recently received a 9 month ban.

She needs to be able to drive for her work (carer). She has decided to not tell her work and continue driving as if the ban didn't happen. I have told her this is a stupid idea and utterly reckless, but she's not listening to me and thinks the chances of her getting found out are slim.

The liklihood of her losing her job are high if they know about the ban. She is continuing to drive her small children around as well as for work.

I had hoped that this incident would have been the kick up the arse she needed to get help for the drinking and sort her life out - apparently not.

What on earth do I do? Say something? Keep schtum? I'm out of ideas.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 23/01/2022 04:36

@FedoraKeys

Why do you want to report her, when you only have this information, because you're supposedly her friend. Do you have some underlying issue with her, that you're keen to get her into trouble, while justifying your actions to salve your conscience . If she normally drives sober, your betrayal will affect her kids schooling. Losing her job could cause serious depression. Think of something else if you're really a friend !. Everybody instigating your betrayal is conveniently anonymous.
She can't be trusted to drive sober, she's driving illegally and without insurance and OP has to report her because drunk, illegal, uninsured drivers kill people and do terrible damage. HTH and also hope you don't drive with an attitude as arse about face as that.
MumWithYOPD · 23/01/2022 07:18

@Confiscatedpopit

In 9 short months she would have been allowed back on the road- rightly or wrongly.

I think giving her every support with her getting sober would have been the best step. You’ve done it now but it’s not a choice I would have made unless I’d seen her pissed and she was about to drive her car.

I take it you will be paying her rent or mortgage if she now can’t?

In 9 short months this disqualified driver continues to use the roads when that privilege has been taken away and continues deceiving her employer and presumably hasn’t notified her insurer either. Nothing terrible may happen but likewise something horrendous could.. Even if it’s just being pulled over for disqualified driving and getting arrested again and social services getting called. Her friend has done the right thing and to try to guilt trip her is uncalled for.
50Poppy · 23/01/2022 07:24

As she uses her own car for business purposes, more than likely her employer will carry out regular checks on her driving licence, in which case they should be alerted as soon as she is disqualified from driving.

Trudij123 · 23/01/2022 07:45

As are you Fedora.

Definitely did the right thing reporting it @TwuntyFriend - don’t feel bad. As stated above - anything that happens from now is entirely of her own choosing, she’s chosen to break the law in many many ways - that’s on her, not you.

LividLaVidaLoca · 23/01/2022 07:51

My mum is retired but in the depths of alcoholism.

I reported her to the DVLA months ago. Far as I’m aware nothing has happened yet. And she’s too pissed to remember I’ve done it.

(Obviously if I knew she was actually in the car driving I’d call the police, but I don’t know that. But the DVLA claim they want to know if someone has an alcohol problem).

Confiscatedpopit · 23/01/2022 08:33

Yes I’m saying it’s not the action I would have taken and why. Having a different opinion is not guilt-tripping.
If she were to be caught (likely) then she would face the consequences then. I wouldn’t be putting myself front and centre of her dramas.

LoisLane66 · 23/01/2022 08:40

If she'd killed one of your children or even herself, after drinking, you wouldn't have asked us, would you? The path was there to walk from the beginning. Drink drivers, no matter who they are, have no place on our roads and anyone who knowingly colludes in covering up or not disclosing their illegal actions at the earliest opportunity, deseves contempt.

Ifbutandmaybe · 23/01/2022 08:54

I would do my best to help ensure she has no reason to drive , get help with lifts , take her keys ! and maybe use her children to explain to her how dangerous and stupid she's being , how would she feel if something happened to them by someone drink driving or banned and she could end up in jail and lose her kids too if she got caught , trying to get people to get help for alcohol problems is impossible only they can do it when they are ready , I would try everything first before reporting, but if they don't work, ring police when you know she's out driving , her work will find out eventually if she keeps driving

Mollymoostoo · 23/01/2022 08:56

@TwuntyFriend

My initial thoughts were to turn her in, but I didn't want to be the one who lost her her job and potentially 'ruined' her life.

If I report to the police, how will they know she's been driving. Effectively it's my word against hers. Do I contact her work and tell them too?

I know court records are out there and anyone can find them if they look so she's taking a risk that no-one will see too.

It's all such a mess!!

In my experience alcoholics always seek to blame others for what happens to them as one of the issues is struggling to take personal accountability. At this point if you have proof she is driving whilst banned you could make a report. It isn't dangerous to her or the public that she is driving whilst banned, only if she is driving under the influence. If you have evidence this is occurring why would you even question if you should do something? Safeguarding children is everyone's business. If you do not report her you are also enabling her behaviour.
RampantIvy · 23/01/2022 08:57

The OP has tried - more than once. Her "friend" thinks she is above the law.

Anyone who thinks it is OK for a convicted drunk driver to be driving illegally and uninsured needs to give their head a wobble.

LetsGoParty · 23/01/2022 09:30

You did the right thing OP

NotAJammyDodger · 23/01/2022 10:07

So she may not get caught until her ban finishes. But she won’t stop drinking and driving after then either. Report her.

Too many people, especially children, killed by drink drivers. Zero sympathy for her circumstances.

Boysgrownbutstillathome · 23/01/2022 10:15

If she is caught she will go to prison. My husband is a serial drink-driver and has been to prison three times. He has been unable to drive for most of our 29 year marriage. He has totally broken my heart and impacted our sons' lives but still will not change his ways. Your friend needs a massive reality check.

LadyEloise1 · 23/01/2022 10:26

@TwuntyFriend
That must have been so difficult to do.
Well done. You did the right thing.

supperlover · 23/01/2022 10:31

The problem is that, even if not been drinking, she has a serious accident and causes life changing injury or death then there's no insurance to compensate the victim. It's horrible for you to have this dilemma but if that accident happened think how much worse you'd feel. You have to report her to the police.

supperlover · 23/01/2022 10:35

Sorry OP,should have read all your posts before responding. Well done you, a hard decision but absolutely the right one. Hopefully she'll thank you one day.

Poptasmagorical · 23/01/2022 10:36

@TwuntyFriend

Thank you everyone - it's nice being reassured about something so difficult.

I hope one day she realises that it came from a place of love, and not malicious intent. I really would have done anything to avoid having to personally report her - but I'm the only person who knows about her situation.

That was a brave and loving thing to do.
wentworthinmate · 23/01/2022 10:46

If you inform the police they will attempt to catch her driving by waiting for her to get in her car outside of her home address, happens all the time on the tv docs. You should do this for the safety of her kids and general public.

Loubilou09 · 23/01/2022 10:51

@Wreath21

Stay out of it. No one likes a grass.
You absolute moron
NotAJammyDodger · 23/01/2022 11:13

Nope they will just to ANPR system and use that to pull over.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 23/01/2022 12:41

Well done OP, you've done the right thing. You could also say it was out of love for her as you didn't want to lose her to drink or a car crash.

Rosebel · 23/01/2022 12:57

Report her. Imagine if she kills her children (or anyone else) because she's driving while drunk. I'm sure you'd never be able to forgive yourself knowing you could have prevented it. I know I wouldn't.

wildchild554 · 23/01/2022 13:07

It needs to be reported, my sister also got a ban for the same thing and I would have no problem reporting her if she did this. I have no sympathy for people who do this and have seen firsthand the devastation that can be caused by people who drink drive. She's also risking social services involvement with what she's doing.

Tillow4ever · 23/01/2022 17:02

Well done OP - you are incredibly brave (not just for reporting, but basically telling your friend you would report, not many people would have done it so openly).

You’ve 100% done the right thing. I hope your friend gets the help she needs, because she does need help - and she needs to ask for it. You are a really good friend, you have saved her life in more ways than one (she could have potentially killer herself or she could have killed someone else which would destroyed her). You have taken the steps necessary to keep her children safe - imagine them growing up seeing her getting away with it, what sort of adults would they have become? Imagine if she’d had an accident with them in the car?

To those posters who have been particularly aggressive in calling you out for wanting to report your friend, you are either trolls, people who drive under the influence/banned/without insurance themselves or criminals in some other way. Because no law abiding adult would think it’s worse to report someone for driving (potentially drunk) whilst banned and therefore uninsured than it is to do those things.

Can I also point out to those who think as long as she’s sober it’s ok - it’s uninsured drivers who push the cost of our premiums up. It’s untaxed cars (which it can’t be taxed if there’s no insurance) which drives up the cost of “road” tax (I know it isn’t called that these days, the name escapes me), and it’s cars that don’t even attempt to have an MOT (because why would you bother with an MOT if you have no tax or insurance) which causes dangerous vehicles to be on the roads.

OP you have done the right thing and I only hope your friend one day realises this because when she does, she will thank you I promise.

Ohmycron · 23/01/2022 17:03

Her insurance will be invalid anyway